northpickle Posted October 17, 2011 Author Share Posted October 17, 2011 What reply could you send that would make you feel better? If the answer is 'nothing would make me feel better' then send nothing. I haven't replied, I don't really think it warrants much of a reply, does it? I'm not sure why he is still apologising when I didn't talk about the relationship or any of the hurt to him? I think you should change the title of your thread. You're not silly, nor are you old, nor did you wreck it, nor, by the sounds of it, was it amazing with this guy. Lift yourself up!! Haha, thanks! Can I change the title? Not sure what I would change it to anyway! I was feeling OK this morning, but have been waiting all day for a phone call from my new job which didn't come unfortunately, so will have to chase it up again tomorrow. The waiting around today has been a bit of a downer for me, and feeling a bit melancholy again. But I'm OK. Things certainly weren't amazing at the end, you're right. I'm not the only one to blame, I know that now. I really want to dislike him, or at least be indifferent to him, that would make this so much easier. Link to comment
DN Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 If you want to change the title let me know and I will change it for you. Link to comment
northpickle Posted October 17, 2011 Author Share Posted October 17, 2011 If you want to change the title let me know and I will change it for you. Yes please, that would be brilliant. Not sure what to change it to though! Something positive. He has no solid reason to contact me now, so I'm assuming I won't hear from him for a while. However whatever I guess about him often turns out not to be the case. I just got so lost in the last weeks of the relationship, because things weren't quite right I was seeking any validation from him that he still had feelings for me, and I guess I still have a kind of hangover from that, I still feel a bit lost, although I'm slowly moving on. I know I'm worth more than the way he's treating me, I KNOW that. Yes yes yes! My self-confidence has been shattered somewhat. I'm trying to get it back. Maybe we weren't a perfect fit but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. I would have jumped through hoops for this guy and I'm not sure why. Link to comment
DN Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 Let me know what you want and I will change it. Link to comment
northpickle Posted October 17, 2011 Author Share Posted October 17, 2011 Let me know what you want and I will change it. How about "Moving on to better times" ? Link to comment
1guygirl Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 He texted me late last night... "Sorry for all the hurt I've caused. Hope you enjoyed the bands. It was great seeing you x" so he is banding what he done the other night under the whole break up umbrella....acknowledging it without acknowledging it *coward* hoping that will soothe away whatever he knows you must have gone through him bolting like that. yeah he gets that out of the way before throwing crumbs again...you know just to leave the door open should he ever decide to walk through it again...when it suits HIM naturally... ugh hinny i feel for you here.....xx Link to comment
northpickle Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 so he is banding what he done the other night under the whole break up umbrella....acknowledging it without acknowledging it *coward* hoping that will soothe away whatever he knows you must have gone through him bolting like that. yeah he gets that out of the way before throwing crumbs again...you know just to leave the door open should he ever decide to walk through it again...when it suits HIM naturally... ugh hinny i feel for you here.....xx Hey 1gg He's always had a guilt complex when it came to me, looking back. Before we even got together he used to send me vague emails apologising - he admitted he had feelings for me a few months before I starting dating him and he felt guilty about telling me (?) He said that it was maybe his strict religious upbringing (which he doesn't follow as an adult) and the fact his dad left his mum when he was very young after he was sleeping around, that led to his guilt complex. His words. He's out of my life for now anyway. If and when he gets in contact again I'll deal with it then Link to comment
1guygirl Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 sorry only means something when you back it up with action. to repeatedly say sorry, but continuing to hurt someone is not a valid apology...it is a cop out lets just say after walking you home, having a great night his wiring went short circuit, his feelings, emotions got better of him...he could have been honest and relayed this to you. but he didnt...not specifically anyhow, just a broad general blasie text covering his behaviour. this is unfair to you and not the signs of a man with his spine firmly where it should be. its ok to panic, just so long as when you do, you still maintain respect for anothers feelings. he didnt show that then or afterwards. not replying in this instance gives him the opportunity to look at his actions, poor actions at that, it shows that this is unacceptable to you and you have taken back your empowerment. id be cool with him and very guarded - let him bring it up, and then take it from there we should never excuse poor treatment of ourselves Link to comment
1guygirl Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 and ive never known of a successful loving relationship built upon sands of guilt Link to comment
northpickle Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 I'm not that sure he'll ever mention the "walking out the door" incident, to be honest. Just after it happened, I wasn't too upset, I just thought it was a bit bizarre. Now I'm mulling it over, yeah, it was a cop-out thing to do. I wasn't expecting him to come through my door, when he did I thought "OK, this is a bit weird". I didn't want anything to happen and I wouldn't have instigated anything (I mean kissing, or anything sexual). Well, that's a lie, of course I did want something to happen! But I wouldn't have done anything because it would have been a bad idea. And then he just freaks out and runs off? With no explanation? I'm not that scary, haha! Goodness knows what that was about. You're right, it's not good enough. A friend wouldn't behave like that, and that's what confuses me. I'm back in NC again now. But I still don't see how him having all the power to contact me and meet up when HE wants is beneficial to me. I'm not sure what to do, so again doing nothing for now Link to comment
Larkin Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 northpickle, I can sort of see where your ex is coming from... He's probably feeling some guilt for the breakup. He doesn't want to be in the relationship, but he doesn't want to hurt you. He wants to be friendly, but not so friendly that you get your hopes up...which leaves you in that mushy, post-breakup "nowhere land" where he's not really in your life, but he's not really out of it, either. Sucks to be sure, but I think your decision to go back to NC is the right one. Just one guy's opinion. Link to comment
northpickle Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 Hi Larkin I can see a lot of truth in what you're saying, in regards to the way he is acting. I don't want him to feel guilty, and I don't want to continue to meet up with him every few weeks if it is only through guilt on his part that he wants to do it. But then a part of me thinks it can't just be guilt. Thinking back to the early part of the meet-up last Saturday, one of the first things he said was that he wasn't going to be going out on a night for a while as he's just had to pay his car tax and wanted to save some money. Then 20 minutes later he says he wants to go to the gig with me and suggests we go for a not-so-cheap meal, which he pays for most of, pays a fair bit for the ticket on the door and proceeds to drink a lot of beer, which isn't cheap! But enough of analysing his behaviour I'm not going to drive myself mad trying to work him out. NC is for the best definitely, I've been in NC most of the time post-breakup. I don't want to be at his beck and call though. Hmm... Link to comment
northpickle Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 RANT ALERT - feeling blue so typing some stuff down Today is rough, really rough. I have to wait at least another week to start my voluntary job so there goes the hope of throwing myself into that to take my mind off things. I can't stop thinking about him, about "us". All the good times are rushing through my head again, all the things we did and the places we went, and how proud I felt to be his girlfriend. I sometimes thought I was dreaming and now it seems like I was. How all the people in his life I met liked me, and how chuffed he always seemed about telling me that. One of the last day trips we ever took, about two months ago, just him, my daughter and me. How much fun we had. And the day after where we went out with a mutual friend, and a picture she took (which is on FB but I can't bring myself to look at it) of him, my daughter and me, all cuddled up. Smiling. That was only 2 months ago?! And another photo of him holding my daughter in the air. It's like those photos are burned into my memory although I haven't looked at them since we split up. And the first time we made love, when he came over to my house. It was so dramatic and spontaneous, everything about those early months was. I know for a fact I drove him wild, he told me that. And him the same for me. And although that chemistry has been tainted by what has happened, it's still there and I don't know when it will ever go away. And how he told me that spending time with me was always amazing... I can't stop crying, little things around the house that he bought me (practical things like a radio, slippers, salt and pepper pots) that I see every day and haven't upset me at all yet are hard to look at. The winter is coming, it's cold today, and I'm remembering last winter, where we would snuggle under a blanket with the fire on and watch TV. And if I was at his house he would always lend me one of his hoodies. I don't know why all these memories and triggers are back again today. I feel stupid and so so upset. I love him. I hate him. I hate myself for feeling so strongly about him. I love myself for actually having the passion inside me that I gave to him freely because I thought he deserved it. Such a mess today...urgh. Link to comment
shortest_straw90 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 i feel for you i really do. im exactly the same at the moment. i think to myself "how could someone just let all that go or even think about it without wanting more times like that". its very confusing and upsetting, its almost unbearable to think about. i know im not helping but i just wanted you to know your not the only one going through this sort of thing. im just thankful that i have such happy memories and not a history of a dysfunctional relationship. i try to treasure the good times, forget the bad times and be happy that ive enjoyed the last 3 and a half years of my life. now im just trying to enjoy it without the girl who i fell in love with. Link to comment
northpickle Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 Hi Phil Thanks for the post. You are helping, it stops me going crazy that there are other people in the world going through the same thing, although it's absolutely awful. I'm just having a bad day and riding it out as best I can. There's nothing wrong with being sad from time to time, it's only natural so I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I think the crux of it is exactly that all those things are becoming memories, and not the present. As time ticks on every major event, everything that we did that meant so much to me is becoming further and further away in time... The last day trip - two months ago. The last time he said he loved me - three months ago. Even Halloween which is coming soon, the fun we had at a fancy dress party, the plans, the pumpkins! The crazy taxi ride. That was a year ago? It seems so much more recent than that. I have so many photos online of all the fun stuff together which I still can't look at to move or delete. And there's loads of photos that mutual friends have taken which I can't do anything about. Link to comment
carrie8484 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I can't stop thinking about him, about "us". All the good times are rushing through my head again, all the things we did and the places we went, and how proud I felt to be his girlfriend. I sometimes thought I was dreaming and now it seems like I was. How all the people in his life I met liked me, and how chuffed he always seemed about telling me that. I feel exactly the same regarding my relationship and my ex. So many happy memories from this time last year, Halloween/Christmas especially. Its too painful to think about to be honest. Creating new memories with someone just as special seems like forever away, or even impossible right now Link to comment
northpickle Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 Hey Carrie Yeah, the memories just won't stop today - this time last year we had been together about 4 months and whipped up the the "honeymoon period" still - every weekend was full of fun and adventure. I felt like the luckiest person alive. I had everything, the most wonderful daughter in the world and now the most wonderful boyfriend who wanted to do things with me I never thought I would do. We talked a little about some of the good times we had when I saw him on Saturday, not in great detail, but he brought them up so I know he must be thinking about them too. That made me smile a little. I'm just extra-sensitive today, I guess. When I went into my daughter's bedroom this morning I saw a book he had bought her last Christmas, and we even painted her bedroom walls for her about this time last year, so even being in her bedroom was hard. Remembering he took a day off work to help me, I remember some songs that came on the radio that we chatted and laughed about. I even remember that he got a parking ticket that day and where we went for lunch...why do our brains hold on to such strange memories? Link to comment
shortest_straw90 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I think the crux of it is exactly that all those things are becoming memories, and not the present. As time ticks on every major event, everything that we did that meant so much to me is becoming further and further away in time... We would have been together for 3 years 7 months yesterday I set a reminder on my phone for our monthly anniversaries and completely forgot about it. It was the thing I woke up to and it totally devastated my whole day. A couple of days after we broke up a christmas present that I ordered a couple of weeks before arrived and now Im stuck with it. Its like all these things are their to set you back a little but when you rise above them you feel so much better. Creating new memories with someone just as special seems like forever away, or even impossible right now This is so true to how Im feeling also. I know its only early in the break up for me but I just couldnt imagine being like I was with my ex with anyone else. It will take me along time to find a girl who I could be completely comfortable about being myself around. I just hope I find her soon and that it doesnt end up like this relationship has. Link to comment
northpickle Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 I can't even begin to think about being with anyone else at the moment, it just seems the most bizarre thought imaginable! I'm sure I won't be single forever and I'm not too worried that I will or won't be, whatever happens happens, but when I love someone that is it, I can't imagine being with anyone else. The anniversary alarm must have really stung, Phil. The Christmas present too. Christmas doesn't bear thinking about - the ex didn't really celebrate Christmas as much as many people do, he was always quite low-key with birthdays and Christmases due to his religious upbringing, but we still had a special time. I'm feeling a bit better than I did a few hours ago, so that's a bonus! Just riding out the lows. Link to comment
shortest_straw90 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Glad to hear your feeling better. Im feeling a bit down at the moment. Just missing her alot now. Im going to try my best at NC as long as i possibly can though to see what happens. I hope this feeling goes away sooner than people keep saying because it can be pretty unbearable at times. I miss her so much. Link to comment
northpickle Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 It does get easier but there are still ups and downs (I'm 7 weeks past break-up now, although I've met up with him a few times) - I've been in NC for most of that time and it did help, I only replied to him when he suggested meeting up. It's all in this very long thread anyway! I miss him a lot, he was my best friend and was a friend before we got together too. Right now, when I see him, it's just like we are friends again but now we have that 14 month history of being intimate and very close. I'm not sure I can do it much longer but just stepping back again. I am feeling a bit lonely today which is why I'm posting on here a lot again! Link to comment
shortest_straw90 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 im feeling lonely too, problem is im going to be like this until friday because ive been off work for 2 weeks with depression since all this happened and i go back on friday. but my friend who i usually spend my time with is going to be away until saturday so tomorrow is going to be another long day for me. Link to comment
northpickle Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 Loneliness is awful, it's not a good feeling. I think with me, it's slightly complicated. I met my ex because he was in the group of friends I would most likely hang around with on a weekend, so since we split up it's been very complicated to distract myself at that time, either for the fear of bumping into him or the awkwardness of contacting anyone who might be hanging out with him. I have different social groups, and have tried to keep in touch with people who don't have anything to do with the ex really, but this is more so during the weekdays, and it just doesn't feel the same. I miss that bond we had, which is still there when we meet up and it kills me all over again when I see him. That's why this forum has been so helpful, I can type away to strangers! Link to comment
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