Thekid55's Healing Journal

[Silverbirch]

Good Luck Kid! You sound like the sort of person who can achieve whatever he puts his mind to.

[thekid55]

Good Luck Kid! You sound like the sort of person who can achieve whatever he puts his mind to.

 

Thanks! I left the last message on a cliff hanger. I sent my resume to the team, so I'm to hear back from them. In the mean time, I'm updating my work with new players and sending more emails to different teams. I'm optimistic about the future, so I'm going to keep working on it!

 

One other that my wife and I are thinking about: next phase of life

 

We are in our late 20s and are starting to think about the future. We want to have kids by 30, so we have about 2-3 years to properly plan. We're saving a lot of money every month and live below our means, plus We still live in our first apartment.

 

We've discussed where we want to live (whether in-state or move out of state), but haven't decided yet. I'm not in love with home ownership from a financial perspective, so that's something I always consider. A lot of moving parts, which is fine with me. Life is always changing and involving, so we are enjoying the ride.

[boson222]

Your story is amazing. I hope everything goes well for you.

[Honeybal]

I loved reading this thread! It really helped distract me from the drama in my life and just allowed me to shut off from my life and tune into yours. Thank you for sharing your story, I know you've helped a lot of people by just being yourself. All the luck and love to you and your wife!

[Hds2014]

I love this thread and it reminds me of my own relationship so much. Thanks for sharing your story, kid.

[thekid55]

Hey Guys. It's been a few months, so I'm dropping by. Overall, things are good. My relationship with my Dad is improving. We saw him and his girlfriend at a show and kept things very high-level and jokey. We don't get 'in the weeds' of the deep stuff anymore, which is better for everyone.

 

My relationship with my Mom is rocky. One day she's happy, the next day, she's angry and upset. She has a problem with my relationship with my dad and girlfriend. Granted, my dad and I text once per week and see the girlfriend 1-2 times per year, but my mom gets upset and says we are choosing sides. It's so frustrating because she's heartbroken, not well physically or mentally and has a hard time getting around. It sucks, so I'm taking a break from her.

 

On a personal level, I'm working a few new skills; training for a half-marathon and working on a few ideas for side businesses. My wife does spinning classes, so I'm training for the marathon on my own. I did 10 mikes today at a 9-minute per mile pace!I'm running with people from work, so it's fun to talk about it at the office.

 

I've always had the entrepreneurial itch, so I'm working on it! New challenges are good!

[Charles359]

hey thekid55, just wanna say it was a very enlightening read, thank you for sharing. i actually went through all 69 pages of it! going through a heartbreak myself and your story gave me motivation to really try and improve myself, and let the future play itself out.

[Gis0392]

Hey kid55, I read your forum 2014 and I commented 2015, I was in the same exact as you were with this whole ex thing accept I'm freaking taking so damn long to get over this break up phase, it's been almost 4 years since the break up, I've seeked professional help I've talked with people many people about this and I'm still so damn stuck, I'm stuck thinking of him crying over him for freaking 4 years straight, it's a habit now and I don't know how to get out. I really don't enjoy myself he's getting married soon, I may be E in this situation but I shouldn't be we were together for 3 years and becuase of my parents stupid stupid culture we left me cuz he saw no future with me and u know it sucks, it sucks so bad, she's the other women not me, she's supposed to be E not me. The emotions get so bad that I literally want to pull my hair out becuase I'm so stuck.

[thekid55]

Hey guys. Popping in for a brief update. The half marathon was a success! A lot of money was raised for charity and I finished in roughly 2 hours! Not bad!

 

After 2 years of hard work, my Mom's house is finally cleaned out. She moves to her new, smaller home next weekend. It'll be sad leaving our childhood home behind but my Mom is excited about her new place!

 

Finally, I just got back from a family vacation with my wife's family. Overall, it was okay outside of an argument with her aunt. Onwards!

[thekid55]

Hey guys. Popping in for an update. If you are currently struggling or in pain, you will get through it and come out stronger. I promise.

 

Overall, the move went well and my Mom is in her new house. I wasn't sad at all leaving my childhood house. It's become a burden after my parent's divorce and we all needed to move on. Also, cleaning out the house and moving her was a massive project for me, so I'm glad it's over. Credit to my wife with this whole process. She went with me every day and supported me. Even though she can't carry much, she helped keep my mom composed and kept me smiling. I'm very blessed.

 

Career-wise, things are good. I'm about a year away from turning 30, so I've been reflecting on my 20s. I'll save it for a longer post, but my big takeaway is: when you turn 20, you think you have all the answers, but don't know anything. Life is all about learning and experiences and my 20s were full with them!

[thekid55]

Hey Guys. Popping in for another update. This post slants more towards the ''progression of life", so feel free to skip.

 

In short, I feel like I'm falling out of friendship with a lot of my college friends, a lot of whom are also married. Distance definitely plays a factor in it, but I think lifestyle also has something to do with it. I'll explain.

 

This weekend, one of my college friends got married. We've been out of college for 6+ years now, so weddings are good time to see everyone and catch-up. Plus, this is the sixth wedding associated with my college friends, so we have about one per year. Just from talking to everyone, I feel so much different from most college friends now. Overall, I've changed a lot as a person. My parents' divorce has definitely changed me and my outlook on things and my quest for self-improvement is never ending. (I'm reading a ton of books, researching new investment stuff, etc.) A lot of my college friends haven't changed. In fact, most of them moved back to their hometowns after college and got jobs around there. I chose to move to the Big City and start my life there. None of my college friends live in the Big City and are about 3-4 hours away, at least. I was very close with these friends throughout college and for the first few years afterwards. Life changes, though, and people, including me, change when they get married. Two of my friends are so manipulated/controlled by their wives, that they act like completely different people. People changing and distance truly goes affect friendships. Stage of life, too, even though none of us have kids yet.

 

In addition to college friends, a lot of my high school friends are getting married--and I'm not getting invited to these weddings. Similar to the college friends, a lot of the high school friends stayed in their hometowns while I left and went to the Big City. Granted, I'm still close with a few high school friends, but not to the extent as I was when I lived near home.

 

This may be a moot point, but a question about weddings in general---If you invite someone to your wedding and they come, but they don't invite you to their and give no reason, I tend to think of that as bad manners. Agreed Even by sending a text/making a call to the person would be satisfactory. One of the aforementioned college friends pulled this recently, referenced on the previous page. He makes it super awkward at these events by just ignoring us. It's just very sad after we had a very fun, joking relationship previously. Maybe he's just awkward in general or his wife gave him crapp--who knows.

 

Anyway, I think writing this post has been therapeutic for me. I made the decision many years ago to leave my comfort zone and go to the Big City. The Big City has been great for me and given me so many new opportunities. Career-wise, things are so great and I love my wife. The future favors the bold--and I was willing to step out of my safe zone (hometown) in order for something bigger and better.

[mines]

Hi - just wanted to say I'm glad you came back for updates! It is nice getting caught up on all the changes. Congrats on your half marathon!

[thekid55]

Hi there. I’m stopping by for an update. Overall, things are good. I just turned 29 years old. Pretty crazy that I started this journal when I was 21! A lot of things change over time, so I wanted to list some things that have changed

 

1. My goals at 21 were so much different than the ones I have now. To be honest, I prefer living by ‘themes’ rather than ‘goals’. My theme is to be happy and live a life of meaning and purpose. That’s a broad theme, but it’s easy to mentally fill in details. When I was 21, I was obsessed with planning every facet of my future life. Things always change, so being resilient and open-minded is key! I figured I’d own a home, started a family by now, etc. instead, I’ve made smart financial decisions.

 

2. The first girl that brought me to this site (in 2007), is still single and apparently has commitment issues. When we broke up, I made every mistake in the book and wondered what was wrong with me. Nothing was wrong with me at all! In fact, my stupid actions saved me from having a life with her. (Everything happens for a reason.)

 

3. Make your partner better. Whether it’s a girlfriend, friend, your wife/fiancé, support her! If things don’t work out, leave her better than you found her. If you stay together, you have your equal. My wife was very innocent and somewhat clueless (in a cute way) when we first met. Overtime, she’s become a killer when it comes to business, Work, etc (like me). She’s still sweet and endearing like when we first met, though. She’s smart, she’s tough, yet she’s very loving. I’ve definitely made her into a better person and I try to do that to everyone I meet.

 

4. It’s okay not to have it all figured out. My wife and I have lived in the same place for 5 years as renters. Granted, Home prices are insane in our area. We haven’t ‘set roots’ yet because the market prices are crazy and we don’t have an area yet. Thekid55 at 21 would have bugged out. Thekid55 at 29 is at peace and is enjoying the ride!

 

5. Cherish friends and family. Help those in need. We’ve spoiled friends and family

With great Christmas gifts.

 

These are just some late night thoughts. Things change overtime as well as perception. Enjoy your holiday season!

[thekid55]

Hey guys. Popping in for an update.

 

My grandmother passed away last week and we had her funeral yesterday. We weren't close, but my Dad was crushed since he's lost both parents now. I wanted to be there and be strong for him and the rest of the family. Growing up, my parents stayed married for 30 years, but their family were always separated. My Mom did not like my Dad's family, so I didn't have much of a relationship with them. However, I got to see them yesterday and it was a very good visit. I haven't seen some of my family members in 10 years. I'm hoping to build upon (and restore) those relationships.

 

My holiday season hasn't been great. In addition to my grand mom's death, my aunt was very sick and my relationship with my Mom has become strained. We didn't see her during the holidays due to a big fight. That hasn't sit well with me, but she was being unfair. We need to take a break.

 

Career-wise, my employer was acquired, so there's uncertainty over the next year or so. However, as wrote about in my January 2017 entry, I prepared a report and sent it out to NFL teams. This has been a passion project of mine that I hope to turn into a new career. I've e-mailed blasted the report to many different teams--and finally received a response last week. I've been communicating regularly with one team. That team doesn't have any openings right now, but that team has a lot of interest. The director is fascinated by my work and asked to meet at a conference in February. When it's come to jobs, things have always happened quickly for me, but this one hasn't. I'm a little disappointed, but am taking things a day at a time since I want everything to happen quickly. The communication has been positive and my hardwork has paid off so far. I've shared this news with my family--and they are so happy for me. I love their support.

 

Historically, the week between Christmas and New Year's is always a slow week for me. I've made some good progress with my NFL project, networking, reconnecting with family. I've been gambling on football games a little too much, so I need these games to end so I can get back to normal. (I'm a terrible gambler and am very impulsive. Very bad combo. I wrote about this in prior entries and need to nip this!) Family-wise, things could always be better, but I'm thankful that my wife is 100% supportive of me and my goals. She's my rock and I love her.

[thekid55]

Hey guys. Popping by for another update. Overall, things are good. I’m healthy and happy! My wife and I have discussed leaving the Big city for a warmer climate. Moving will improve our quality of life for a few different reasons.

 

1. We live in a small apartment right now in the Big city. We’ve lived there for almost 6 years and have outgrown it. We also want to get our first pet.

 

2. We’re getting close to 30 and want to have kids soon. We both need to work, so raising small kids in the Big City isn’t practical. We also don’t want our kids to grow up as city kids.

 

3. Tax reform. Sounds stupid but living in a high tax city blows for tax purposes. Also, the suburbs are very expensive and the commute to work wouldn’t be fun.

 

4. Quality of life purposes. Starting a career in the Big City has been good but I’m not going to do Corporate job forever. I don’t like the politics of it all and have written about numerous side projects im working on.

 

5. Ideally, I’d love to be a teacher, coach and help young people. I want to make sure I’m set financially before I go down this route. I’ve been making aggressive, yet smart investments to help myself.

 

Overall, I think we have to constantly re-invent ourselves. The world changes at a rapid pace, so we have to keep up.

[Silverbirch]

Great to hear the update. Having made the move from a city to a small town, the biggest issue is employment. When I moved here, I had a job in a regional centre 35kms away which I ravelled to daily. Then that folded up and it was so hard to get work. The structure of work for many people in small towns is that they need to have at least 2 part time jobs which is what I have now - and I'm only earning a bit more than half of what I earned in the city.

 

On the other side, housing is around a third of the price it is in the city, but you need to spend more on gas - gas is much more expensive here than in the States. Families need to have 2 cars because of the lack of transport.

[thekid55]

Hey guys. Just dropping by.

 

I'm my hardest critic. I'm very critical of every move, every decision, every plan, etc. However, when I take a step back, I release that I've achieved a lot. I've excelled, career-wise, I'm a great friend/husband/son/brother. I'm healthy. Things are great!

 

However, I've always put a lot of pressure on myself to 'entertain' my wife. If you look a few years back, you can read how the relationship fell apart. We got complacent, we got boring, etc. Granted, this was when we were 22 and now, we're closer to 30. That breakup definitely left a mark on me, but we're older and different people now. She not a demanding person what-so-ever, so is always willing to go with the flow. So today, I asked her flat out if she's happy with our life--and she said that she is. I have some very cool things planned for the next few months, but things are slow right now. We spent a lot of time at home, watching our favorite shows together. We see friends/family from time-to-time. I have to do a better job at accepting things for what they are--and stop putting so much pressure on myself to be the top 'entertainer' at all times. It's a character flaw, but she says she's happy, and most importantly, I'm happy, so it's all good.

[Realitynut]

Great to hear Kidd.....wish everyone can have a 'happy' even if it seems a little boring at times....life.

 

Do you plan on having kids? Trust me....the relationship you have now, will change forever, and you'll wish your life was a little less entertaining...hahaha and more just even keeled!

 

This is what married life is all about. (something I've never had...a happy married life) but where on is just COMFORTABLE and not having to think they need to entertain their wife all the time.

 

We just want hugs and kisses...and know we are appreciated. :love-struck:

[Silverbirch]

It sounds like a nice life Kidd.

[thekid55]

Hey guys. Dropping by for another update.

 

My wife and I had a big fight last night. A few weeks ago, a family event was planned with some family that we rarely see. That event occurred last night. It went well and we had a nice time. However, i had to turn down baseball tickets that i really wanted IÂ’ve been dealing with a lot of issues, physically and emotionally, recently and IÂ’m not the easiest person to deal with. This led to an argument on the way home. She argued that it was clear I didnÂ’t want to be there (I didnÂ’t want to be there).

 

Physically, my adrenals are shot. IÂ’ve put myself under so much pressure over the last few years with my parentsÂ’ divorce, my sister is in rehab, etc. IÂ’ve been working out a lot, which feels great, but itÂ’s getting to the point where everything is weighing on me. I need to start feeling good physically and emotionally.

 

My wife has some new friends that are ‘fun friends’, but value-wise, they are much different from people she is normally friends with. I’ve voiced some concerns with this—-and she understands. She’s also hung out with them more frequently. I never tell her what she can/can’t do, but I expressed my concerns last night.

 

We discussed going to counseling. The counselor would help us discuss some of the issues that weÂ’ve gone thru individually.

 

Big picture, I donÂ’t know whatÂ’s going to happen. A lot of the family events have changed me big time. IÂ’m not the same person that I used to be. IÂ’m much more guarded and reserved now. I donÂ’t let people get too close. This is a big issue for me that I need to work on. For her, hanging with the new friends is a concern

[Realitynut]

Sorry to hear kidd! But all marriages don't run smoothly. It's wanting to work thru things...and NOT run from them, that counts. If you both want to work at it...it will work out. And compromise is big. You gave up the tickets for family....she can maybe see those friends on a less frequent basis. Why does she like them so much...what are your concerns, that she is going to be swayed by them to do something you don't approve of?

 

Stress can stretch your patience to a breaking point. You guys got together when you were really young. Maybe she is wanting to sow some wild seeds that she hadn't been able to before.

 

Talk, Talk, Talk....then kiss and tell her you love her.

[thekid55]

Hey guys. Popping by for an update.

 

In short, things are, well things. Things aren’t good or bad. It just is. Over the last week, we’ve given each other a lot of space. We haven’t talked much during the day. (We usually frequently text throughout the day.)

 

We’ve both spent a lot of time with friends recently. We still see each other everyday and have dinner together. We always keep things light and she tends to bring up heavier topics.

 

We are planning to go to marriage counseling on Thursday night. We both agreed that counseling should help us identify issues.

[Jibralta]

I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this rough patch. I remember reading through your journal a couple months ago (maybe a year ago?) and feeling inspired by how you turned your situation around. I hope the two of you will be able to work through this.

[thekid55]

I sat down tonight and made a list of things that (i) I like about her and (ii) Dislike about her. I did this in preparation for counselling on Thursday. I haven't written about all of these issues in the journal, but here is my list.

 

Things I Do Like

1. Her smile/passion for life

2. Her happiness/passion for helping others

3. Her positive attitude

4. I think she'll be a great Mom. I don't have much experience, but she could do a great job in this area.

5. Our sex life.

 

Things I don't like.

 

1. In June, I expressed that I wanted to go to counselling because I didn't like where my head was at. She freaked out and was worried about "What might account". Instead of me following through it, I agreed to work on it with her. We've had some discussions, but no major breakthroughs.

2. Her low self-esteem

3. How we’ve struggled to have mutual friends (Over the last few years, I have sacrificed a lot of long-term friendship/making new friends to work very hard and climb the corporate ladder)

4. How I told her that I was feeling depressed over some of my family issues---and she reacted by spending time w/ new girlfriends. She ran away.

5. How I get blamed for still living in the same apartment for 6 years when she wants to move closer to her friends/family. (Currently, we live about 30-45 mins away). Moving closer to her friends/families is doable from a rent perspective, but we can't afford a house out there. Plus, living in our same apartment has afforded us a nice lifestyle where we can take fun trips and pretty much do what we want. Getting anchored down by a big mortgage would pretty much kill that.

6. Her new girlfriends (Since I told her I wanted to go to counselling in June, she has spent a ton of time w/ them. I get a bad vibe from them.

7. She flat out told me today that she might see us in two different places going forward. This is a major red flag, imo.

[Jibralta]

It seems that most of the things you dislike aren't inherent qualities, but stances that she's taken which conflict with yours.