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Thekid55's Healing Journal


thekid55

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Hello. Dropping in for an update.

 

Over the last month, I've started counselling and attended two sessions. The sessions have been very good. My counselor is a good listener and allows me to talk. She offers comments when the moment is right, but she doesn't try to control me or the conversation. We've discussed issues with my wife, my family issues, etc. I'm feeling better, but I'm also do a ton of self improvement on my own. The counselling is just a part of my process.

 

In terms of self improvement, I've been in the gym 5x a week. I've been lifting heavy weights and my body is starting changing for the better. More importantly, mentally, I feel grower and more confident. For the last year or so, I've been down about my family situation, but lifting makes me feel great. I also running on 'rest days'.

 

With my wife, things are much better. I took 100% accountability for my actions that led to this point (e.g., I got too caught up in the drama with my Mom, I took too much responsibility with her move). Quite simply, I wasn't acting very manly. All of this has changed in the last month---and my wife is reacting much more positively. I'm being strong, more assertive, and having fun with her. Our sex life has been wild (in a good way). Women at work flirt with me constantly, which helps with things at home.

 

With work, my company was acquired last December--and the transaction is expected to close in late January. The Company has offered an attractive severance package, but the acquiring company is one of the largest companies in the U.S. Nearly all of the people I work with are going to the acquiring company. Some uncertainty there, which isn't fun, but we'll see.

 

I'm going to see some friends this weekend, solo, which should be fun. The holidays and my birthday are coming up, so we will see happens.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi all, popping in for an update.

 

I'm turning 30 soon. It's crazy that I started this journal back when I was 21. Time flies.

 

I wanted to do a quick post on things I'm proud of/not proud of. This list solely applies to my 20s.

 

Proud of:

  1. Pulling myself out of the turmoil I was in when I started this thread. The breakup forced me to self-reflect and improve myself. I sought out new opportunities, new friendships, and new experiences. I went on Spring Break, re-connected with old friends, dated girls outside of my social circle, etc.
  2. Graduating college w/ a double major and honors. I worked so hard in college.
  3. Getting my first job while I was still in college. We were coming out of difficult economic times, so I proud of myself for pushing myself to do numerous internships to set myself up for that opportunity. I worked hard for 5 years at my first job and learn a lot of valuable lessons. I learned how people should be treated (and also shouldn't be treated). I also learned that I don't want to be a slave to my job. Money isn't the only thing.
  4. Getting my second job was a big 'step up' for me. I joined one of the biggest, most popular companies in the U.S. and made a lot more money. I work with some amazing people and I saw how great management works. I built my network up and learned a lot of great skills. As of now, there's some job uncertainty, but I will embrace it.
  5. Self improvement and development. I've read so many books on business, psychology, finance, etc. I've also sought out mentors online that I've learned a lot from. I'm operating at a much higher level than I ever have. The world makes more sense to me now since I spent so much time learning. Learning never stops, either.
  6. I ran a half marathon at 28. I'm currently getting very muscular.
  7. My parents divorce was devastating; there were a lot of sleepless night, a lot of stressful nights. However, it made me a stronger man. I learned that I can't be everything to everyone. I can only do my best and I learned to set better boundaries with people. I allowed my Mom to push my boundaries---I'll never let someone do that again.
  8. Getting married to my college sweetheart. In our 20s, we did a long distance relationship, moved in together, built up our first 'home', supported each others' career and went a lot of great vacations together. We're ready to take the next step (buying a home, having children shortly thereafter). However, the game never stops and I have to keep improving myself on a daily basis. I wouldn't expect anything less from her, either.
  9. I learned to embrace uncertainty when it comes to investing. I made some "risky" investments. Some worked out, others didn't, but each was a learning process.
  10. I improved my style. I dress much better now.

 

Not Proud Of:

  • I'm not proud of how I let my 'frame' get scrambled on multiple occasions. When I say "frame", I mean my identity, worldview, etc. My break-up in 2010 scrambled my frame, my parents' divorce scrambled it too.
     
  • I'm not proud of how I became short-tempered with my wife and close friends. It's something I'm addressing in counselling. I want to be more open.
     
  • I'm not proud of how some of my friendships dissolved. Maybe that's just life, but I miss some of my friends. I should call them.
     

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  • 1 month later...

Hi all, popping in for an update. Happy New Year!

 

I'm here to reflect on 2018. In short, 2018 was a roller coaster ride.

 

Relationship-wise, my wife and I went through a rough patch in the fall, but things have improved. Our sex life is off-the-charts good. She craves me constantly. (Hat tip to my gym sessions, which I'm doing 5x a week.) Our communication still needs some work, but that may be a lifelong task. I love her and see my life with her. We went on some fun vacations together and she planned a fun surprise party for my 30th brithday. Some of my longtime friends attended, which was great.

 

With my immediate family, I don't have much of a relationship w/ my Mom. She wants to constantly argue and fight with me about the past. I can't tell whether it's just who she is or if it's her medical condition affecting her. My Dad and I have a solid relationship while my sister is going through a tough time (Rehab, may get divorced).

 

With work, things are still unsettled. I'll have options, but it's unsettling not knowing what the next few months look like.

 

In terms of side hustles, I started making a lot of money. This has given me confidence that I don't need to totally rely on a salaried-job.

 

Going into 2019, I want to continue my excellent workout schedule in the gym, be a better communicator/listener, add more side hustles and just be a better man for all parties in my life.

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So glad things are looking up for you, K55! You made it through this rough patch, and just know there will be more. I saw an interview with a couple that had been married for 75 years. They asked them the secret, and they said that they fell in love, then fell out of love, then fell in love again, periodically. The key was the commitment - and the fact that they didn't fall out of love at the same time.

 

Commitment, communication, listening with respect, and showing you care with small gestures (sweet notes, hugs, a thoughtful coffee, etc.) and a sense of humor will serve you well through the years.

 

Happy New Year

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  • 1 month later...

Hey guys. Dropping by for a quick update.

 

In short, everything is going great...with the exception of my marriage. Individually, I feel good. I'm in great shape, I have supportive friends, I have a good job, and I have love and support from my family. My marriage, however, is a different story. A few posts ago, I referenced how my wife and I weren't getting along. This started in June...and has carried over to now. We'll have patches of time where things are going well---then things just turn south. In my view, our issues boil down to three major themes.

 

1. I've become more guarded as a person now. I deal with my problems by trying to improve myself in anyway possible. We've also done counselling individually.

2. My wife psychoanalyzes me non-stop. She constantly pushes me for answers as to 'what's wrong' and doesn't see any of the changes that I've made. This makes me shut down even more.

3. I've always been a high achiever and I've talked about moving to different states if the right job comes along. I've never said it would be a permanent change since her family lives locally. She's never voice whether she's for or against it.

 

I've become a much more guarded person now, given what's happened with my own family. My wife, however, constantly think something is wrong with me and presses me constantly. Sometimes, I'm just having a bad day, somedays, I'm just tired from work, somedays, I just want to chill. These reasons are never good enough for her and she constantly thinks I'm not happy, I'm depressed, etc. Therefore, she'll pepper me with questions non-stop up until the point where I just totally shutdown. I've told her that she's acting like my counsellor and I just want her companionship. She even thinks I've radicalized by a men's right group online because I've gone to the gym more frequently and been more assertive on a day-to-day basis. The psychoanalysis never stops.

 

All of our assets were in joint accounts and we separated everything earlier this week. We are still staying in the same apartment, but we are rarely home at the same time. I've recommended a temporary separation because at this point, nothing else has worked. She had a minor car issue on Thursday that upset her. I was there for her and was supportive through it, but she reverted back to her psychoanalysis behavior last night.

 

I'd appreciate any thoughts on this

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It sounds like you've both lost track completely of the romantic side of your relationship, as well as the easy going, friendship side.

 

You both sound on edge and are trying to force things.

It won't work like that.

 

I think sometimes you have to get further apart in order to come back together.

 

At this point a separation might be the best idea. Give each other space, allow each of you to miss one another.

When you finally do decide to see each other again, focus on dating, romance, becoming good friends again, having fun and truly enjoying each other.

 

I'm not sure that anything else would work at this point. It sounds as though the situation you're in is stressful and uncomfortable for you both.

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yep. She's trying to understand you. Not realizing her questioning is pushing you away. The further you fall apart....the more she's questioning. Like a WOMAN...she wants to talk about it. You shut down....and want to 'work on yourself' by yourself. Your wife is being shut out...and that is never a good thing.

Sorry to hear. You had such a good thing going.....please don't throw it away!

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Hey guys. Just dropping in for another update: thanks to everyone whose responded. It means a lot to me. :-)

 

In terms of the car issue I referenced, her car is old and needs an expensive repair. Rather than fixing it, we agreed to get a new car. We only have 1 car and only need 1 car right now since I take public transportion to work.

 

My initial thought was to buy a nice, dependable used car. After some shopping, the used car prices were not worth it—and it made more financial sense to just get a new car. It’s a little more expensive, but should give extra years of use. I suggested financing the car in her name (given the current issues). She said she couldn’t afford the payments if I decided to leave. (She has a lot of student debt that we’ve paid down, but it is still burdensome). fortunately, we’ve made good financial decisions for years and Bought the car outright in cash.

 

Did I love this decision? No, but we’ve had many long talks about money over the last few days. We agreed that we’d never screw each other over and she agreed to pay me half of the car’s value if we got divorced. It’s a short term cash hit, but I made a ton of money in 2018 and was able to buy it without any issue. We’ve split all of the assets 50/50 for now and she has a great car.

 

We agreed to go to the counseling together, so we’ll see how that goes. She does not want to have sex right now, but we’ve screwed around and had oral sex a few times over the last few days. Also, we aren’t celebrating Valentines Day this year. We are going to the gym instead.

 

For me, I’ve deveoped massive anxiety over the last few years. I think it stems from my toxic relationship with my Mom, who I haven’t talked to in about a month. I’ve tried so many things to cure it (e.g. switching up exercise patterns, changing diet, sleeping more, reducing stress). A lot of these changes have helped, but nothing has cured it. I also have some job uncertainty that’s add to it. I should get some clarity on that front soon. I started taking CBD oil last night and am noticing a good change. I’m not as anxious.

 

Overall, I’m doing my best. I’m trying to grow individually while still being a good husband. I accept that I need to be more open, but at the same time, I just want love and support.

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Ok. Number 1. You're doing all these things to make YOURSELF feel better! Exercise, diet, sleeping more....but what are you doing to make HER feel better! She certainly isn't gonna feel all lovey dovey and want sex, when you won't even put the car in your name.....because, ya know WE MIGHT GET DIVORCED! Wow....what a cloud hanging over her head.

Also....we decided not to celebrate Valentines day.....we went to the gym instead! wOW again! Way to make her feel special and loved......again.

 

Now is the time to start putting some romance into your marriage!!! Now, Now Now.....before it's to late. Reading this it sounds as if you're given up all ready...and want out. Your wife is certainly feeling this!

 

Go to counseling with open ears, and try not to point fingers! You say you want love and support! Guess what! So does she! Saying, ok. pay back half the car when we get divorced....is NOT a show of support. You have to do everything and anything to support her and Yourself....as ONE unit. United we stand, divided we fall kinda thing.

 

Women...I think more than men....want that EMOTIONAL connection. Way before the sex crap starts. I always say, make love to my mind, before you make love to my body.

 

Make her feel like you are there for the LONG HaUL no matter what it takes. That you cherish her, love her, nd don't want to lose her. So what the F that you have anxiety and trying to work it out! That is your problem! What can she do to help you get over YOUR issues. That's what they are. Your issues. She can be supportive and a good listener (even tho you said you don't like opening up)

At this point, she's a stranger looking in! If you truly want this marriage to end.....keep doing what you're doing.

 

If you want to save her.....your marriage....and yourself from another heartbreak....Do VALENTINES day. Do date night. Do what you USE to do in the beginning that made her feel special. Would you have said 4 years ago....ok we'll get this car for you, but it has to be in your name!

 

Ugh, ex did that to me when we were first married. We are now divorced.

 

Share, but if you make bigger bucks, you should shoulder more of the expenses. You're a couple. Start acting like it.

 

You're coming across like you did earlier in your journal.....It's all about Me, Me, Me.

 

Sorry if this is a rant. Bf walked out on me again yesterday....as I was crying...I just want you to CARE.

 

Make her believe that....and she will do the same for you! Trust me on that!

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  • 1 month later...

Realitynut, thanks for the lengthy post. I appreciate it.

 

Just to give an update---I've done a lot of self-evaluation over the last few weeks. In short, I've become an extremely anxious person for the first time in my life. Growing up, I never dealt with anxiety of any sort because things came easily to me and luckily, I've never had to deal with any catastrophic events. Over the last 2-3 years, I've dealt with a lot of uncertainty, all at once, for the first time ever. I'll list it out below.

 

1. My parents getting divorced had a major impact on me. For nearly my entire life, they both pretended as if everything was okay, when in reality, both of them were miserable. Looking back on it, it makes me feel as if I was living in a lie.

 

2. My mother is terminally ill. I took 100% ownership of helping her move on after the divorce. Once we had her settled in a new home, I thought things would get better. Things didn't get better and she continued lash out and treat me badly. I haven't spoken to her in months and haven't seen her in a year.

 

3. I've had a lot of job uncertainty since December 2017. My company was acquired and the deal closed last week. For now, I have a job, but I'm limbo because the acquiring company hasn't provided any guidance. If laid off, I shouldn't have a hard time finding work, but still, it's another unsettling feeling.

 

Over the winter, I went to counselling, which I documented here. It made me feel somewhat better, but it didn't help with my anxiety. I'm the time of person who likes to internalize and figure things out, so I've spent a lot of time alone. I shut my wife out because I didn't feel like I could be a good spouse for her and didn't want to show any weakness. Therefore, I've attempted to go through this alone--and it hasn't gotten any better. I've blown off friends, family events, etc. because I feel so anxious all the time. I've changed many things (e.g., exercise routine, diet, sleep pattern) to try to fix it--and nothing works.

 

All of this leads me to Thursday night. I agreed to go to my wife's counsellor, with my wife, for the 2nd time. (The first time was 5-6 months ago--and it ended badly because I didn't think the counselling was hearing what I was saying and it was my wife's counsellor.) I explained all of these feelings to my wife's counsellor and she was somewhat sympathetic, but I don't think she really understood. Ultimately, she didn't think my wife has done anything wrong throughout this whole process and that made me feel super isolated. Ultimately, I told the counsellor, with my wife in the room, that I viewed my wife as a stressor in my life because I haven't gotten any compassion from her throughout this whole time frame. I feel as if she's always probing me for answers when I just don't have them right now. Sometimes, I just want to be told "I love You and it's all good" I told both of them that I think a seperation is the best course of action for now. My wife cried--and cried--and cried...and we've haven't spoken in 2 days. We still live in the same apartment, but I'm looking for a place to go.

 

This whole thing is so sad because we both love each other. In my heart, I don't feel like I can be the partner she needs and I view as a source of stress right now. I need time to get my head right and then go from there.

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Well, she just moved out a few minutes ago. Needless to say, I'm a mess and she cried hard for about 15 minutes before she left. She's going to stay with her parents for awhile and may look into getting her own place. Last night was really the final straw. Around 11pm, she came in and I was asleep on the couch. I woke up when I heard her bag get put down. She had a different tone---very quiet and cold. I asked her what the deal was---and she asked how my apartment search was going. I told her that I thought more about Thursday's counselling session--and realized it got all screwed up. I didn't want to move out; I wanted to stay and work on things. At this point, I think she was so turned off that she immediately rejected me. That led to some vulernable moments where I pleaded, said I loved her, etc. (All of the BS I did on Page 1, I did last night. Talk about deja vu). This morning, we came home from the gym around the same time--and she said that after last night, she didn't think we could be in the same home. I agreed and told her that I was pretty embarrassed by last night.

 

She packed up nearly all of her stuff, loaded it into her car, cried in our apartment for about 15 minutes, with me sitting there, trying my damnest not to cry, either. She took everything because she 'doesn't like to feel displaced'. Fair enough. She asked to hug as she sobbed the hardest I've ever heard her sob. We briefly hugged and then she left.

 

We didn't really discuss next steps. We both agreed that we needed time and space to clear our heads. She said she didn't like my 'flip flopping' (Sometimes, I want to work on it. Sometimes, I don't. Sometimes, I want to move out. Sometimes, I don't.) I didn't tell her this, but I'm fully committed to working on myself to fix some of big issues (e.g., saying mean things out of anger, learning how to speak more clearly and nicely.) If she comes back, great. If not, I'll be ready for the next.

 

I'm going NC. Back to Page 1 fundamentals.

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From reading your posts over the last months, it seemed to me as though the concept of 'partnership' was lost on you.

 

It's a terribly sad thing, but I think she made the right decision by leaving.

 

I don't think there is room for her in your life.

 

I wish you both the best of luck as you move on.

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Hey guys. Dropping in for an update.

 

Overall, things are okay. As opposed to earlier in the journal, we are married, so it's not just like a regular breakup. On Wednesday, I wrote her a detailed e-mail about some big upcoming bills, namely my tax liability and our joint credit card. Financially, I had a great 2018, so I owe significant taxes. which are due by April 15. We've known about my tax bill for months and discussed it in great detail, so I wrote her an e-mail, attached my tax returns and told her that I needed half of the money from her account. (We file taxes separately due to student loan repayment).

 

I haven't heard back from her yet, so I'm a little concerned, but I'm trying to play it cool. We've never had money problems and have always been upfront and honest with each other about money, so I'm hoping for the best here. I was completely transparent by including my drafted tax return in my e-mail, so we'll see. I'll give her space and time to look at it. Bringing it up now would just create pressure, so I'm just trying to play it cool.

 

Outside of the e-mail, there hasn't been any other contact, which is good. I haven't felt compelled to contact her. Since she moved in with parents, her commute to work is extra long, so I'm sure that was stressful for her.

 

We both confiding in friends and family during this tough time. My family is obviously overprotective, so I'm trying to balance being smart while also being compassionate. I don't think she'd try to screw me on the tax thing, but I have no idea what people are telling her. Her Mom was badly screwed by her Dad in a divorce, so I'm sure she's being extra cautious. We'll see what happens.

 

At this point, my main focus is keeping my head as clear as possible. It's been a crazy year or so for me. There's job uncertainty, relationship uncertainty, etc. Time to just chill out and get my head right as I look towards the future.

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After she moved out, her commute became insanely long. I didn't call her at all last week because I wanted to give some time and space. I did, however, send her a brief e-mail about bills on Tuesday evening. We have a large credit card bill and tax liability that is due by April 15th, so I sent her the numbers and detail behind it. It sounded like a 'business email'.

 

I've been watching the credit cards and stuff. She has been spending like normal, but never responded to e-mail about the bills. Some of the charges, namely her getting her nails done, aggravated me. It's not out of the norm for her to do this, but I felt like I was being disrespected. Therefore, I decided to cancel the credit card to send a message.

 

Maybe an hour after I cancelled it, I got 7 calls from her a voicemail. I called her back and explained what the deal was. I told that I felt disrespected by her spending and she said that she was upset because I didn't bother to check in with her at all this week since she was displaced and had a bad commute. I told I understood she was frustrated and then we got off the phone. The texting began

 

Me: You had a tough week. I can't imagine what the commute was like for you. The money issue has been weighing on my mind. I've made mistakes, but I've never cheated, lie or mistreated you. I'll go to the mediator if that's what you truly want.

Her: You told me to leave my home. You were mean and out of line. I didn't hear from you all week. Not even an "Are you Okay"? Not only was I displaced all, kicked out of my home while dealing with sperating from my husband, I got sick. DIdn't hear from you other than your business emaila bout money. Then you randomly go and close the credit card. You flip flop all the on how you feel. I can't take it anymore. You leave me no choice. You make me the tough decisions.

Me: I understand why you feel that way. I take 100% blame for everything that's happened over the last few months. I wasn't the best partner and did a lot of things wrong. I understand why you feel the need to leave for good.

Her: Stop saying it's me making the decisions. You told the counsellor you were done. You change your mind on what you want. What am I supposed to think? I feel like you puroposely make problems because you want to be done with me.

Me: I've screwed a lot of this up and have to live with it. That's why my week felt like hell. I'm not perfect and make a lot of mistakes. I pushed you away when you wanted to feel loved and appreciated. I did a horrible job of that and have to live with it now. I've scared you off by inaction.

Her: Yes, and you told me for almost a year that what I do isn't good enough and that I'm not there for you.

Me: You are right. I screwed up and didn't appreciate my wife when she was there for me.

Her: I resent certain things. At this point, we can barely be in the same house. Even if you wanted to work on it, I don't see how it'll work. We can't live together, I don't know if you want it to work, I don't know how long it would take. I don't doub that you've had a rough time over the past 2 years and that's why I've been there for you, but you've also said a lot of wanting a life without me. I think about all of these things. Add in your flip flopping and my head spins.

Me: I agree with what you said. You didn't deserve this. I'm going back to counselling to work on my communication.

Her: I tried hard. So hard. I don't even know what the truth is anymore. All I know is for you to get to where you want to be its going to take a long time. I'm not convinced you want to be in this marriage anymore.

Me: I want to show you my change and show you that I can be a better partner. It's going to take time.

Her: I understand, but it's more than than that. You've said we are on 2 different paths. I think we need a clean break and if life leads us back then it does. Idk how long it's going to take you and even if in the end, you want to be in this relationship aymore. I think you love me and it makes you sad, but I don't think you want me as your wife anymore.

Me: I want you as my wife. I just think I needed to take a breather. It's been 10 years and we've never taken a minute to chill. If you want a clean break, I respect that.

Her: We shouldn't need a break

Me: I agree we shouldn't need it, but we are human and stuff happens to even the best relationshps.

Her: I know, but this has been going on a long time and you've made comments about wanting different things.

 

 

This Morning:

Me: Hi. How are you feeling today?

Her: Kinda lost my voice. I'm not sure when I'll be getting more things from the apartment, but we should probably meet this week to discuss a plan before going to the mediator.

Me: I was an @$$ and didn't appreciate you. I Said some mean things that you didn't deserve. I regret that. I see all of my mistakes now and want to work on things. If you aren't interested, I understand.

Her: I just don't think right now we can. It's too far gone. You need to figure out what you want career wise, life wise, etc. If the roads us back, then it does, but at this point, it's just so far gone.

 

 

Need help here. What should I do or say? I've cleared turned her off, but I don't want to totally back off, either.

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Got a text from her today.

 

Me: Hi. I know your job has been crazy for months. You are such a great teacher. A lot of people look up to you and love you in that school. Trust your feelings and I hope you have a great day.

 

Her: thekid55..I know that you have out to different people and you're trying to get to me. I understand that now that days have passed, your sad and probably lonely. I'm sorry for this. I tried very hard for a long time to get to you. My true feelings I have shared with you....that I have felt you flip flip on how you feel about me and everything else in your life. I don't trust most of what you say anymore becuase you say one thing and then a few days later change your words completely. I could no longer life like this. My head was spinning. Aside from being in a bad place at work, you have made many comments over the last 2 years about wanting different things out of life. I respect that. You need to work on yourself before anything else.

 

Her Cont: I'm not trying to punish you or make a statement. It went on too long. No matter what I did there was no reaction to my despair. When there was, it wasn't pleasant. I truly feel like you need work on you. I tried very hard to help you with this, but you turned on me. It's gotten a place where I had to let you be alone to figure yourself out.

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Overall, here's what I think happened.

 

I allowed some general job frustration, lack of progression of life due to cost of living, and my parents divorce throw me off center. I live in a state where the cost of living is super high. At 30, I thought I'd be further along than where I currently am even though I make good money. In addition, we have a large student loan bill every month that we have to pay that takes up about 25% of our paycheck. I didn't handle these things the right way. In addition, I've been dealing with some job uncertainty for the last year or so. I let all of these affect my marriage because I shut down without voicing how I was feeling. My way of dealing with it was to shut down and interalize it. As we got more information at work, my feelings about the job and future became rocky. I changed my mind a lot because the information changed a lot. I allowed those changes to affect me. In addition, I've floating moving to my wife several times over the last few years. Her family is nearby, so moving is a scary proposition. Sometimes, she was receptive. Other times, she wasn't. I think her attitude about moving was a reflection of the relationship at the time. My parents got divorced a few years ago after a 30 year marriage. Their marriage was a nightmare and they only stayed together for the kids. My mother is terminally ill as well and we don't have much a relationship.

 

My disappointment led me to a point where I said, out of frustration, that I didn't want to work on things anymore in a counselling session. This happened about 10 days ago. The counsellor was totally on my wife side, didn't see any errors that she was making, and I felt like it was 2-on-1. In the counselling session, I agreed to move out, which I said out of frustration. Two days later, after I took some time to think it over, I thought to myself "What the heck. My marriage is falling apart. I'm not leaving". By then, she was too far gone and decided to move out and live with her parents.

 

For the last week, there's been a ton of frustration. How could she do this to me? Why was she being disloyal? Why didn’t she love? Why didn’t she appreciate me and all the things I was doing for the family? I blamed everything on her. When she didn't respond to my e-mail about bills, I felt disrespected. In my mind, I rationalized it by thinking about everything I've ever done for her. In reality, she was just hurt, upset, and just emotionally spent. It didn't matter what I did in the past. She was hurt now and that's all that mattered.

 

Over the weekend, I reached out to some friends and family. I apologized to her family for putting them in a tough spot because they weren't equipped to have her move in. I told them that I take responsibility for this happening. I e-mailed her counsellor and apologize for getting angry during the session. The counsellor and family were receptive to my notes. I felt like I could clear my head by just being honest and owning my mistakes.

 

Her text message this morning made me feel like my marriage might be over. Up until this morning, I thought we could work it out. People have told me to just give up and move on, but in my heart, I know I don't want to do that without giving it every effort to work. I've started to think that those people are right. Maybe things are truly over. However, this time in my life may be the greatest opportunity for positive change. My marriage may be over, but I'm going to accept one thing that I do have control over: me.

 

I have to change my thinking from "If only I can get her to change X,Y,Z, things will be okay and our marriage will work out". The problem is---I've been trying everything I can do to win her back. (e.g., maniuplate, coerce her, strong arm her). I have to start working on myself again. I have to accept that my marriage may be over, but I can control me, better myself, and whatever women comes along next, will get the best version of me.

 

Here is my plan:

 

1. Time and Attention: I'm going to give myself a lot of time and attention to heal, mend, and work on myself. I'm going to focus my energy elsewhere. Not on her. This weekend was pretty dark for me. I felt alone and pretty bummed out, but I have to accept it as time to work on me.

 

2. Absorbing New Info: Things are not working out for me in general because the information I'm absorbing just isn't working. I started reading new books last night and I spent time listening to new podcasts about communication and self growth this morning.

 

3. Making New Friends: I think a lot of guys are guilty for losing touch with friends when things go south. During this time, I've realized that I've forsaken my friends. I've been alone and no one is around. It's led to negative thoughts about her and what I've lost. I have to make new friends and plan on joining a softball league.

 

4. Fitness: I'm in great shape already, but I will keep it up. I feel super confident from all of my time in the gym.

 

5. Finding New Hobbies: I enjoy doing fantasy sports. I'm going to start playing softball again. I've always wanted to try singing. I want to volunteer more. These are all good things that I need to start doing.

 

6. Getting Finance Stuff in Order: Never has been an issue. I've always been all over the financial planning aspect. Maybe I'll improve in this area by not checking things are frequently.

 

7. Challenging Myself: I need to keep pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. I got too complacent. I need to challenge myself physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, etc. If I want to fix myself, and maybe fix my marriage, I have to push myself.

 

This is just a list of things I can do to improve. Maybe it's too late to save my marriage. Maybe my wife is too far gone. Who knows. All I know is--I need to stop spending time focusing on her/trying to 'win her back'. I need to engage my mind, engage my body, spirit, etc.

 

Whatever happens, I know I'll be the best catch for the next woman to come into my life.

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More texts this afternoon. I went to church during lunch. I stayed for the service. I went to confessional afterwards. I haven't been in confessional in about 15 years. I wanted to confess that I let my marriage fall apart. (Obviously, both people have a hand in falling apart, but I can only control me.) After I left confessional, I sent this message:

 

Me: I know I hurt you and broke the trust you have in me. I didn't handle my work stress well and became unsure of things. I accept that and apologize. I went to church today and did a confessional. I confessed that I hurt you, damanged our marriage, and asked for forgiveness. The priest asked us both to pray to save our marriage. It's going to take time, but I want to show that I can be trusted against with your heart and I will be a better man. My action matter and my action will show you my changes in time.

 

Her: I appreciate that you did that, but I still think you need to fix yourself for you. I think some of what you have said is truly how you feel. I'm concerned about many things, including your mental health. Idk what's going on, but I'm concerned with your stability. I just don't see how we go back and fix things. You need to work on yourself for yourself.

 

Me: I want to be as clear as possible. I want to work on my marriage. I said a lot of things out of anger because I felt disappointed career wise and felt like I should be achieving more. I want you to come home when you are ready. I'm not putting pressure on that. We aren't 'just dating' and we aren't 21-years-old anymore. Did I do harmful things and hurt you? Yes, I did. Do I have things to work on? Yes, I do. I'm starting solo counselling tomorrow night and looking into a marriage counsellor.

 

Her: I hear what you are saying, but I don't think you are hearing me. It's more than hurtful words. You clearly want different things from your life and you made it clear you were willing to do it alone. You kicked me out, I'm not coming home. There's no way we can live together now or remotely soon. I'm happy you are going to counselling for yourself. You have to understand that you've flipflopped so much that you say these things now, but in 2 weeks, you'll go to extreme hate again. When you say these things, I don't even have any feeling anymore because it's gone on too long.

 

///

 

Going back to NC. Going to work on myself as outlined in my post, above.

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Some good information I found online:

 

I spend a lot of time with men who are just now discovering the possibility of separation or divorce. Every man wants the same thing. He wants his wife back. He wants her to love him again. He wants to “save the marriage”. He wants a second chance to prove things can be better and he can be different. He would give anything if she would just change her mind and decide to stay with him and not break up the family. Many times he gets his wish. And, oddly, he is conflicted when his wife comes knocking again on their door. He isn’t so sure he wants her back, at least, not the way things were before.

 

Why is that? Because he has made serious changes in himself and his outlook. He has changed what he expects of himself no matter what she decides to do. He has also changed what he expect for himself…and he realizes that he’s not the only one who needs to make some changes.

 

About a Woman's Trust:

 

For the wife who has been sadly and quietly planning her departure for two years, there is almost nothing you can say or do that will impress her or change her mind. She is done with the current version of this marriage and can’t imagine taking the risk of trying again. One woman colleague explained it this way. “The only thing worse than trusting someone and getting hurt is trusting them again and getting hurt a second time. We will avoid that at all costs.”

 

It’s not that she doesn’t want to trust. She can’t trust.

 

Think of it as an incurable physiological reaction. The current version of her, you and the marriage is a horror movie – as stupid as that may sound to you. But to her it’s the only logical, self-preserving move possible. Move away from the “horror”.

 

The only reason a disconnected, untrusting and unhappy wife will want you back is if she sees real, unquestionable and authentic changes in you. They can’t be changes she wants – they must be changes you want.

 

When I see a wife who moves past her fear to attempt a reconnection, it’s because something dramatic has happened. It is something so shockingly unexpected that she becomes interested or, at least, curious again.

 

Here’s a sample of shocking things you can stop. If you actually learn how to stop these and feel great about it…she will notice. She won’t say anything – but she will notice.

 

1. Stop asking questions and demanding explanations

2. Stop initiating long, heavy conversations over and over again

3. Stop interrogating her about everything she says and does

4. Stop trying to impress her and make her pleased with you

5. Stop reacting to everything from a place of resentment and anger

6. Stop texting her about anything emotional or relationship related

7. Stop talking to her friends and family about her

Bonus: Stay the hell off of Facebook!

 

Yes. If you do all 7 of those and find a way in your manly mojo to become comfortable and confident in doing so, you will feel amazing. You must want to do these for you – not her. And you will be noticed.

 

////

 

Here are some shocking things you can start doing. If you actually choose to do these from a place of non-negotiable commitment to yourself and feel great about it…she will be curious. She still probably won’t say anything – but she will be curious.

 

1. Start spending quality time with quality men doing quality things

2. Start learning about male confidence and insecurity and how to increase one and reduce the other

3. Remain kind, considerate and compassionate toward her at every turn

4. Be cooperative but not a push-over

5. Calmly lead conversations about how the separation or divorce will go

6. Confidently lead the difficult process of discussing finances

7. Gently guide the uncomfortable conversations about child custody

8. Start the process of imagining your life as a happily divorced guy

 

Yes. This sounds like the process of giving up and letting go. Exactly.

 

The most significant and shocking change a man can make in himself at this point is to give up his need to control and his need to maintain his death grip on her.

 

And you have to mean it. You must reach a place where your desire to save yourself is more than your desire to save the old version of your marriage.

 

You must be more invested in the process of realizing your value as a man than the result of saving your status as a husband.

 

There is nothing more simultaneously intriguing and unsettling to a wife than a husband who has become clearly aware of his own value as a man.

 

////

 

What to do When She Comes Back Knocking on the Door

 

Hey, you’re the one who wanted her back. I can’t tell you what to do next. I’m just saying that I’ve seen it happen way too many times to not warn you it could happen. And if it does happen it will only be because she knows your changes had no expectation of her. You were not playing a game. You were not trying to manipulate an outcome.

 

This is only possible when you decide to make changes to your core way of thinking and way of being as a man.

The changes must be for you without an attachment to her reactions.

 

Yep, it’s not easy. But in my humble (but accurate) opinion, this is the very best time of your life to learn this lesson. For most guys, it takes this much pain to motivate them toward change.

 

When you make these changes you will become very clear what you expect of yourself. You will also get clear about your expectations for another go at a relationship with her or anyone else for that matter.

 

And you won’t be afraid to say so.

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Back for another post.

 

It's clear to everyone that I need to work on myself. I agree with that. I feel like a lot of things in my life are slipping through my fingers (e.g., job, relationship, family). Big picture, my parents' divorce, which happened about 3 years ago, had a very bad impact on me. I grew up with a very small family. Holidays were amazing. There was so much love and joy in our house. I felt so loved as kid. Little did I know that my parents were absolutely miserable---and my Dad only stayed with my Mom for us. When my parents got divorced 3 years ago, I felt like I didn't have a family anymore. My Dad has a new girlfriend and moved to Florida. My Mom has extremely mental problems--and it got to the point where I couldn't even talk to her because she was so hurt by the divorce. I've never been close with my sister. All of my grandparents are dead. Recently, I started talking to some aunts and uncles again, but everyone lives at least 3 hours away or in a different state. I never truly embraced my wife's family even though they were practically begging me to feel them. They loved me and always wanted to see me. I always had my guard up because I didn't want to get disappointed/hurt again. It sounds silly, but that's how I felt. Over the last few months, I started to isolate myself away from her family for other reasons. More on that below.

 

Since my core family basically fell apart, my identity and self-worth became tied to my job/individual personal development. For the last 8 years, I've crushed it at work. I've become such a superstar. I've gotten big promotions, big raises, a lot of respect, etc. In December 2017, my company was verbally acquired. The acquisiton wasn't finalized until 2 weeks ago. When the company was verbally acquired, all of my projects went on hold as the whole company went into limbo. The New Company hasn't given any indication on next steps, either. That led to a lot of sadness and disappointment on my part because my job, which was a job I dreamed of, became my identity. In my mind, I had a great job---and it was being taken away from me. There's nothing I could have done to change that, but I felt a lot of sadness. I started working on other 'side hustles'. Some of them were super, super successful and I made more money, but my day-to-day, core job was being taken away from me. That led to sadness. "Losing control" of my job made me neglect and shut down other aspects of my life. It felt as if I was losing another important part of my life. I started to neglect my wife, my friends, etc. I started to feel super anxious. I was afraid of losing more from my life that I put up walls. Unfortunately, all of those walls led to my frustrating my wife to the point of her wanting to leave--and probably file for legal separation or divorce. I said a lot of mean things to her because I felt uncertain for the future and just started to feel down. I isolated from her family because I felt inadequate because I didn't have the next job/mission ready to go. I've always been the type of person who has a plan---and I don't have that right now. That led to extreme sadness.

 

I know this sounds crazy to some, but this is how I felt. I'm going back to counselling tomorrow--and this is the root issue I plan on discussing. Through counselling, my goal is find out why this thought pattern happened, why I started to shut down on my wife, friends, and family. How I can stop this negative thought pattern from destroying my life even further. Before my parents divorce, I was such a happy person. The love easily flowed through me and everyone could feel it! I have to work hard, fix this negativity, and start feeling good again.

 

My end game with counselling is hopefully acceptance and finding ways to fix this negative thought pattern. This sense of inadequacy has destroyed my life.

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Well, here we go. Brief update on things.

 

4/2/19: I return to counselling. I have a great session. I start to open up about some of the demons I'm dealing with. The counselor suggests that I make an open hearted plea to my wife. I don't think that's the right move, so I choose not to do that.

 

4/3/19: No contact at all with my wife. I attended orientation for a fun volunteer group. It will be a good way to meet new people. Whenever I've been hurting/hurt in my life, I always turn to helping others. That's the only way for me to deal with the pain.

 

Today: I've been frustrated that my wife hasn't been forthcoming with the money I owe for my tax return. The amount I owe isn't a couple hundred dollars; it's tens of thousands of dollars. A few months ago, we agreed to split the money up ourselves. Everything was even. Hell, we even bought a car in cash and split it. She uses the car 100% of the time. Silly me. Now, when I have a large tax bill due, she won't agree to give me the money that's due. I wrote her a very nice e-mail a week ago, attached my tax returns, told her that I had nothing to hide. She blows off my e-mail. I'm angry because I feel it's disrespectful to not even acknowledge. (She said that she had a tough week and the tone was wrong). After I look through my recent credit card charges, I will see various charges for nails, hair, dinners, etc. I get pissed, close the accounts, and take half of the money that's rightfully mine. She think it's 'crazy' that I did this, but I felt disrespected. A man feeling disrespected is the worst thing in the world. All of this happened over the weekend. Once the emotions calmed down, I decided to be more proactive. This morning, I decide to be proactive and find a nice mediator.

 

Well, I received a great referral for a mediator. The mediator is located close to her parents' house and I scheduled an appointment for 8:30pm on Monday. I sent her all of the mediator's information. I told her to call her and talk to her. The mediator is very nice and very honest. My wife refused. Instead, she wanted to use 'her person'. I asked her to send me the information for her person and I'd give him a call. She didn't provide his information. Instead, she said that he could draft a proposal for me to review and I said, no, I want to mediate this thing and we aren't capable of discussing this/settling on our own. She started pressing me, asking me to tell her what I wanted. I refused to tell her anything and once again, asked for the contact info for her 'mediator'.

 

At this point, I start getting super suspicious. I send screen shots of this conversation to my aunt, who is a family practice lawyer. My aunt tells me that she's exhibiting behavior of someone whose been coached by an attorney. My aunt asks me to see if she's willing to budge on the tax money or anything. I tell my wife to ask her attorney if she's willing to give me the tax money (or not) by tax day. My wife responds by saying 'I thought we could sit and discuss all of this. It would be part of the negotiation'. About 30 minutes later, she finally gives me the name of her person, who is apparently a lawyer and mediator. She still claims he's a 'mediator', but he can't mediate if she's disclosed personal information. For some reason, she has an odd attachment to this particular attorney. Maybe it's a referral of a friend. Who knows. She claims she hasn't hired him, but I don't believe anything she says at this point.

 

At this point, my aunt gave me some attorney recommendations. I've spoken to one and have a consultation set-up for tomorrow. I'm also having the locks changed on the apartment and had her name removed from the apartment lease. At this point, I'm all in on filing for divorce. I felt like her asking me to come to 'her mediator' was just setting up to be ambush and I wouldn't be ready for it. At this point, I have to be smart for myself.

 

This hurts so much and I can't believe things have reached this point, but here we are. All of the money we saved and the life we built will be destroyed because we couldn't effectively communicate during this rough time. It's so sad. She's totally emotionally detached. I'm angry at this point. It's just so, so sad that a 10 year relationship has reached this point, but I feel like I have no other options. Mistakes were made on both sides, which sucks, but it's life. I can't waste anymore of my future on this.

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One thing to add regarding the mediator; I'm running out of time on the tax thing. I have to file and pay by April 15th. Therefore, I need resolution soon and she has not been agreeable at all. I had to be proactive on this point since she was unwilling to cooperate/communication. If the tax thing wasn't an issue, I would have been in NC for almost 2 weeks, but I can't screw around with taxes. Looking back, I mismanaged the money and should have paid the tax bill in January when things were good. At the same time, she shouldn't try to use this as leverage. Using it as leverage is wrong and evil.

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A million thoughts going through my head about all of this. It just feels so crazy to me, but here we are. Here is some advice that I've received so far.

 

1. Would I ever truly trust any reconcilation efforts? Ever? Why? She will probably want to reconcile if she think she can't make it on her own, financially. If I did reconcile, I'll be right back where I am now years later. I may have a house or a kid or 2 by then. That would be a disaster. I would feel like a pushover.

 

2. One lawyer told me to just go through with the divorce. He has told clients that if you still like each other after the divorce, he could date and get re-married. The relationship changes and you are both smarter about the progression.

 

3. Everyone has issues throughout their lives that makes them re-examine their lives and decisions. Real bad things happen to people. Overall, my wife and I have had it pretty easy. No stress with kids, bankruptcy, health problems, etc. If we aren't coming together to change together now, how do you think you'll weather the really hard stuff? Don't choose to be unhappy. You are either (i) respecting who the other person is and learning to live through it or (ii) you are just hurting yourself and each other. Do not live your life being crticized and miserable.

 

4. You can only make decisions with the information you have available at the time. What may come later is only speculation and should not be what you base your decision on. I've the done the best I could with the information I've had. Don't stay if it's over. I'm not a martyr.

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