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Thekid55's Healing Journal


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I want to chronicle my journey, post-breakup so that hopefully ENAers current and in the future can use my story as a point of reference. I'll do my best to post here each day with how I'm feeling, doing, interactions, etc.

 

My story?

 

Senior in college. Mutually broke up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years six weeks ago. Neither of us were happy in the relationship anymore. We basically spent most of our free time together and over-time, that led to a toxic dynamic. We neglected our friends to be together. We just agreed that we loved and cared about each other and didn't want to totally ruin our dynamic by continuing at our current pace. We wanted time to work on ourselves and find happiness alone again before ever having a healty relationship again.

 

Don't get me wrong. Our relationship was based off of a lot of love. She has still told me that she knows that she's going to marry me one day and that no one will ever treat her better than I did. Do I believe her? Well, I did and still somewhat do. No such thing as false hope because hope doesn't mean success.

 

We've been through everything together from swine flu, to pregnancy scares, deaths in the family, mental breakdowns, hospital visits, going grocery shopping on a Friday night. We've pretty much experienced much more than you should in a 2.5 year time frame.

 

The last six weeks?

 

Hellish. I've asked for her back on four different occasions to only be rejected each time (Three of them were alcohol-enduced). After a few days passed by, I felt like we could handle the problems while in the relationship. Well, she didn't agree. She kept saying that she needed 'space'. So I've been in and out of NC. My longest period was for three weeks and I felt so much better. However, after I saw her at a bar and I was really drunk, I started to text her and ask for her back. This didn't go over well and I called and apologized to her today.

 

Basically, my fear of loss has compelled me to do a lot of stupid things. I've out of character on more than one occasion.

 

I can't cook, either. So that has sucked, a lottttt.

 

Is there a rebound?

 

Nope. She's not interested in dating anyone else. She has spent a ton of time with her friends, who are all single. Most were very envious of our relationship because it was so damn comfortable. Definitely could be a phase.

 

Has she contacted me?

 

Yep. The most recent time was last Wednesday. She texts me late at night. Like 12:30 am. And mind you, she is not a drinker. So these aren't drunk texts. These are 'I put my head on the pillow and think about you' texts. She's just a better actor than I am when disguising her feelings. I know she still cares about me. One of her last texts to me?

 

'I'm starting to feel like a normal person again'.

 

Just goes to show that they hurt just as much as we do, post-breakup.

 

Misc

 

I removed her on Facebook awhile back. I don't take my cell phone when I go out to avoid drunk texting (bit me twice in the past). Her family absolutely loves me. Her brother still talks to me and often asks for my advice. Her mom came to visit two weeks ago and wanted to come over to see me. However, I was at work. She has 'checked in' on me a few times. I didn't really give her much information, but I didn't exactly blow her off. I feel like that is not productive if you want someone back who doesn't have a current boyfriend/fling.

 

What Have I Done?

 

Re-connect with old friends. Met lots of new friends. Go out, a lot. Meet new girls. Exercise like crazy. I've dropped 15 pounds over this six week period. I've really worked hard at my job and with my college work. Tried to do everything in my power to not think about her.

 

Final Thoughts

 

I miss this girl like crazy, but I'm slowly letting go. That's the only way you can get yourself back. I'd like to have her back someday, but not until I'm 100% happy again and she gets this whole phase out of her system.

 

Hopefully this gave you an intro to my situation and feel free to chime in whenever.

 

Just remember, when you love someone, you never give up. That doesn't mean you'll get them back, but if you truly love someone, you'll want them to always be happy. Your happiness, however, is always the top priority.

 

Don't forget the push-pull dynamic. The more you push, the worse things will become. You can never 'pull' too much. The best gift you can give an ex? The gift of missing you. Go away.

 

If you envision positive things, they'll happen for you.

Edited by thekid55
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Due to the fact that my room mates are basically non-existent and only hang out with their girlfriends, I find myself spending Sundays alone. I have a ton of work to complete before tomorrow and I need to prepare myself for a test. Do I feel any better today? Meh. A little bit.

 

I haven't had the urge to contact her. I only seem to have the urge when I drink. From now on, I will stop drinking so much on the weekends. It's not like me at all. I think it's a way for me to remove myself from the problems at hands when in reality, it just makes them 10x worse.

 

I've neglected my religion for awhile, but I've started to practice again. I ask God to give me the strength to move beyond this tough time in my life. I ask him to bless my family, friends, colleagues. And finally, I ask him to keep her safe and happy. To only put people in her life that treat her well. I don't ask him to give me her back because that is selfish. He is keeping her away from me right now for a reason.

 

The reason? Probably so we can reconnect with our friends again. I know that we've both made new friends and reconnected with old ones. We needed that to happen.

 

I do think that I was put in her life to save her. She has been hurt, neglected, abused by so many people. I've done nothing but care, love, and support her. I'm the first person to fight for her, but my putting down my 'weapon' for now.

 

Some good thoughts:

 

Don't think 'woe is me' when the holidays come. Embrace them. Your family will always be there to help you. Look out to your friends. Spend a lot of quality time with them.

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I realize that we are both responsible for the problems in the relationship, hence why we mutually broke up. I know that you are having a tough time letting go. It's been hellish for me to let go of you.

 

I didn't leave the problems at work. I became a little too predictable in the relationship. I let my anxiety prevent me from doing new things. I realize and accept all of these things. We should have hung out with our friends more. I've changed. I can't tell her that I've changed. I need to SHOW HER. She is a quality woman and quality women are freaking hard to find. Truthful, honest, sincere, caring, and faithful.

 

Your anxiety gets the best of you, but who was always there to tell you everything would be ok? Who would be there to rub your back when you were stressed? Who told you that everything would be ok? Would told you that you were all I ever wanted and that they'd never desert you like every other person has done in your life? No one else would ever deal with all of that. You've even told me that. NO ONE.

 

But at the same time, I'm a quality man. I'm truly one of a kind. When I love someone, I give them everything I have. I love with all of my heart. And I'm not ashamed about that. I've never lied, cheated, stole, or mis-led you.

 

Our love was one of a kind. One of a kind. I've never felt this way about another person before. And I know that she's never felt this way about another man before.

 

Look at both of us now. We have both lost so much weight. Yes, exercise is good, but WE DON'T EAT ANYMORE. We always used to eat together, but now, it looks like neither of us EAT ON OUR OWN!

 

We just need one more try and I want a chance to SHOW YOU that I've changed and that I believe in us. Drop your guard. I know that you still love me.

Edited by thekid55
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I feel like I don't even know you anymore. We haven't had a meaningful conversation in a few days, but it really does feel like a few weeks. I really don't know who you are now or what you have become. The people you choose to align yourself with aren't typical people you roll with. In my eyes, this is 100% a phase, but I'm not going to sit around on the sidelines while you go through it.

 

I met up with my friends tonight and we are having our fourth and final Thanksgiving dinner together this Saturday. You were there for the last three and were instrumental in making sure all of the food was perfect. You stayed with me and took care of me after I got a black eye from playing football last year. I yelled at you because it hurt so much, but you just stayed with me and made me feel better. You ran inside last year and saved all of the pies from burning. I'm going to have to make the stuffing and mashed potatoes on my own this year. I hope you think of me and miss me this Saturday as we all get together for our last Thanksgiving, one where you won't be there.

 

You do what you havta do and I'll do what I havta do. If you get with somebody else, I'm gone.

 

Just stop this and come back home.

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I'm just going to throw my hands up in the air and say forget it. You aren't the person I fell in love with. You just want to do immature crap with immature people. I'M NOT AN IMMATURE PERSON! I know where I'm going and what I want in life. If you want to go out to bars/parties from Wednesday-Sunday with these stupid girls, then go ahead. Just know that these same people cannot hold a boyfriend, or a stable group of friends for that matter. That's not the girl I knew and loved. I thought you got that out of your system three years ago. I guess you didn't.

 

I'm just a helpless fan sitting on the sidelines as I watch this disasterous play unfold. You know where you are going to run when it blows up in your face...

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In a crazy amount of pain tonight. I miss you so much. Talking to you on the phone for only a few minutes the other day was not good.

 

This has been one of the hardest days I've had in awhile. I'm so hungry and I want you to cook for me.

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Yupp..

 

Its like sometimes you feel happy like you can do this.. sometimes your just straight angry at everything... and sometimes just depressed..

 

Don't you guys feel so emotionally drained and tired?

 

I long the day that I can just laugh and be truly happy inside. Anyone feel me on this one?

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I woke this morning and felt great. I was telling myself 'Well, she is being sooo immature. She is acting so stupid.'

 

I get to work and my boss can't really explain things that well, so I feel confused and think of her because I would always complain to her about this boss.

 

Then I start to feel sad.

 

Then I figured out the project and feel great again.

 

Then I arrive to take my exam. It went pretty well.

 

I get home and I'm extremely hungry and want my hunny back.

 

Perfect girl. I'm not trying to sugar coat the relationship because I've been away from it for awhile now. Everything that I want in a wife. Definitely didn't treat her as well as I should at times, but no one is perfect.

 

No way she comes back anytime soon.

Edited by thekid55
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Yupp..

 

Its like sometimes you feel happy like you can do this.. sometimes your just straight angry at everything... and sometimes just depressed..

 

Don't you guys feel so emotionally drained and tired?

 

I long the day that I can just laugh and be truly happy inside. Anyone feel me on this one?

 

Yes, I have been emotionally drained for 7 weeks now. I do agree with you.

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I woke this morning and felt great. I was telling myself 'Well, she is being sooo immature. She is acting so stupid.'

 

I get to work and my boss can't really explain things that well, so I feel confused and think of her because I would always complain to her about this boss.

 

Then I start to feel sad.

 

Then I figured out the project and feel great again.

 

Then I arrive to take my exam. It went pretty well.

 

I get home and I'm extremely hungry and want my hunny back.

 

Perfect girl. I'm not trying to sugar coat the relationship because I've been away from it for awhile now. Everything that I want in a wife. Definitely didn't treat her as well as I should at times, but no one is perfect.

 

No way she comes back anytime soon.

 

You never know.

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Yup, theres these things that you do or see during the day thats just going to remind you of her..

 

and you just freeze.. and thats when the rush of sadness comes. Well for me, thats when I get my daily dosage of depression. hahaha

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I'm going to embark on a one-week 'No ENA' trip. I'll be back on the 23rd to post how I'm feeling. What I have been up to. Anything that has gone on.

 

I feel like sometimes people use this site as a crutch. Don't get me wrong. It definitely helps people get through tough times, but sometimes, we just gotta cut the cord and deal on our own because at the end of the day, we only have ourselves.

 

I wish everyone happiness and enjoyable times as the holiday season is about to kick off.

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