Thekid55's Healing Journal

[twitchyfingers]

It sounds like you are in a good space with your new lady, Kid55.

 

And hey, check it out: true to your username, this epic thread has hit 55 pages. Maybe there's some magic in that number for you.

 

Hope you'll keep posting here now and then. It's cool to see the progression from your first post through to the present.

[MakeItCount]

It sounds like you are in a good space with your new lady, Kid55.

 

And hey, check it out: true to your username, this epic thread has hit 55 pages. Maybe there's some magic in that number for you.

 

Hope you'll keep posting here now and then. It's cool to see the progression from your first post through to the present.

 

You ruined it by posting to page 56!! I HATE YOU haha, glad to hear it kid, I think you've made the right choice. Best of luck to you man.

[thekid55]

If you enjoy reading unexpected posts on here, you are about to be in for an all-time treat. In short, my ex (who I originally started this journal about) came back and we are talking again. I broke up with my new girlfriend (E) on Sunday night after two weeks of dating. She took it super hard and she's basically been depressed over it. I told her over and over that I was a bad boyfriend (which I am) and I was concerned about her leaving for the South in August (which was also true). I didn't want her to get so invested in me that she would ultimately get hurt. I know how it feels to get strung along, so I've been ignoring her texts and stuff and just letting her heal and move on. I was her first boyfriend, so I know what it's like.

 

In essence, my ex came back to last week (wrote about in here). We spent the next few days having lengthy talks. She showed me journals from counselling sessions that she went to. She showed me the journal she kept post-breakup (she was just as devastated as I was). She said that she dated other guys (which is great) and realized over time that they weren't me. She had been debating for roughly two months when she should come talk to me and me having a girlfriend signaled to her that I could potentially be gone forever. I held all of the cards.

 

She admitted to me that she never appreciated me because she was so caught up in her own issues and going to counselling has totally changed her outlook. Just by talking to her (which I have been doing very frequently), I can tell major, major changes in her. She's no longer the super needy, super clingy girl. She has her own goals and doesn't need to lean on me as much which is a complete fresh breathe of air. Am I skeptical of her? I am, but at the same time, trust is a very black/white type of thing. You either trust her or you don't. It's that simple. I don't care who she dated, what she did, etc. She tells me that she didn't sleep with anyone, but honestly, I really don't care if she did or didn't because I slept with a lot of girls. She wasn't happy when she heard that, but she said that doing that got us to where we are today.

 

With my new girlfriend that I dumped, I just didn't feel passion for her. You can say that relationship was too short or whatever, but you either feel it right away or you don't. I feel it 100% for N (my ex). As much as I hate cheating and all of that, I had to see how my physical connection with N was and it was off the charts. Things have changed big time (if you remember my December posts, things are VASTLY differently).

 

I'm sure I'm gonna catch a ton of heat for essentially giving things another chance, but this girl realized what she lost in me, only wants to make me happy, and will do wahtever it takes to make me happy. That's hard as hell to find. We are going to take babysteps with everything, but she is 100% back in my life as we both transition to our professional lives.

 

Her and I never would have gotten to this point though if we didn't take the time to be alone. There's a lot of pain in this journal, but I've built myself into such a strong person now that I'm unflapped. I realized that I need to be a better listener with her, a little more patient, and just as loving. When I see her, I just see everything and she has said time and time again that things just feel right again. I never got over here and I think I did a great job for the last few months disguising my true feelings. She wants to be the amazing partner for me and only wants to make me happy. I have to give this thing another chance for myself and see what happens.

 

Don't believe the garbage that people feed on here that people never get back together. On a site full of sorrow and agony, use this story as a source of hope. If you get your act together and your ex truly works towards being a better person and in turn partner for you, anything is possible. It's a day-by-by process, but I got my ex back in my life.

 

Quick Facts

Total time apart: 8 months

Original Relationship Length: 2.5 years

We both completely re-made ourselves. We talk constantly, have agreed to go slowly and have open dialogue

 

 

You can all exhale. Lol.

[faithful14]

haha you have my support kid.

 

Life is all about being happy and if this is what you want, then Im happy for you.

 

My only hope is that she continues to appreciate you and you both continue working on yourselves, growing and supporting each other.

 

good luck and continue keeping us posted : )

[thekid55]

thanks, faithful. I figured that this would send everyone for bit of a loop. I'm honestly happy and I'm not going to forget all of the work I've done on myself over the last eight months. I've built myself into an absolute rock and I'm not gonna throw it all to the wayside just because she's back. I'm happy with how things are and we are going to go slowly. This is the girl I always saw myself with and I realize that it's going to be a slow process, but one I want to embark on.

[faithful14]

I will admit, I didn't see it coming at all! I thought the ex was history!

 

Feel bad for the other girl but it's best to be honest when you're heart is still with someone else.

 

Either way, keep us posted!

[toofaced12]

wow! definitely unexpected. but this is great. i really hope everything works out for you guys. you've been on a tough journey but i'm sure learned a lot during your time apart. Gives me hope as well. lol I guess you never know whats going to happen.

[MakeItCount]

Damn son. Didn't see that coming! Only you know how you feel man. All the best, I really hope this works out for ya! Keep us posted.

[kuteknish]

... And it really happened when you truly "let go" didn't it, kid?

[TheJerseyKid]

Wow... was NOT expecting to read you post that, but congrats man I hope all works out. Interesting timing, my EX finally broke over 2 months of NC this afternoon and wants to meet up for drinks tomorrow night and was suggestive of me trying to get there earlier (presumably so we could spend more time together). I too have been dating, and while I'd be just fine with out my ex, and I am essentially "over" her, I'm just curious to see how its going to play out. I really hope in your situation that her changes are genuine, and you guys can continue working stuff out. And I totally know what you mean by either you have that physical connection or you don't, and in my experience, if its there, it's always been there from the start.

[MakeItCount]

Wow... was NOT expecting to read you post that, but congrats man I hope all works out. Interesting timing, my EX finally broke over 2 months of NC this afternoon and wants to meet up for drinks tomorrow night and was suggestive of me trying to get there earlier (presumably so we could spend more time together). I too have been dating, and while I'd be just fine with out my ex, and I am essentially "over" her, I'm just curious to see how its going to play out. I really hope in your situation that her changes are genuine, and you guys can continue working stuff out. And I totally know what you mean by either you have that physical connection or you don't, and in my experience, if its there, it's always been there from the start.

 

You too? Bahahha, I got a text a cpl weeks ago. Christ man.

[thekid55]

... And it really happened when you truly "let go" didn't it, kid?

 

100% right. I had to completely let go in order for me to move on. I'm not even close to the person that I was before. However, I never stopped loving her and our bond is even stronger now. We saw that we could basically lose each other and that pushed us to an even new level.

 

We aren't going to see each other everyday like we used to in college, but in a way, I think that's a good thing. We'll value the time when we are together. She's doing grad school starting next week and I start my full-time job in late June. We are starting our 'professional lives' and we both see ourselves together for the long-term. It's just going to be a day-by-day process, but I can honestly say that I'm completely happy and everything does happen for a reason.

[TheJerseyKid]

You too? Bahahha, I got a text a cpl weeks ago. Christ man.

 

I got multiple texts, a phone call, and invitation to hang out, and quite honestly, I feel like shes going to do everything in her power to get me to spend the night with her. I'm just gonna be real and be flat out to you all, hell YEAH I am going to sleep over if the offer is on the table, but I am going to make her work for it a bit.

 

Sorry to mini-hijack your thread kid

[thekid55]

I got multiple texts, a phone call, and invitation to hang out, and quite honestly, I feel like shes going to do everything in her power to get me to spend the night with her. I'm just gonna be real and be flat out to you all, hell YEAH I am going to sleep over if the offer is on the table, but I am going to make her work for it a bit.

 

Sorry to mini-hijack your thread kid

 

It's all good. I will chime in with my experience to show you the progression.

 

Last Tuesday, I got back from running and saw she called and left a voicemail. I listened to the VM, realized it was great to hear her voice, and didn't think twice about calling her back. I realized that I was emotionally removed (we had been in NC for 4 months, cold NC) and I could handle it. (Vital part). We just talked on the phone for a few minutes and she suggested that we hang out. I was a little skeptical, kinda blew it off, and said 'Yeah, we'll figure something out'. She was insistent on meeting up.

 

The next morning, she texted me again about meeting. I told her that I didn't think it was a great idea. She called me and basically laid it all out to me. She was crying so much. I agreed to meet her in a neutral location (mall parking lot). She gave me a four-page, hand-written letter. I read it, she was crying when she was explaining things to me. I was skeptical as hell, told her that I was in a good place in my life, told her about how much I hurt over her, but I was still in love with her. We kissed and the rest is really just history. It felt like normal again.

 

We hung out a few times over the next few days leading up to graduation. We were kinda sneaking around to be together because I didn't want to upset the new g/f before graduation and all.

 

But yeah, she told me she had debating when she should do it for awhile. She finally pulled the trigger and it was scary as hell for her that I may reject her after she spent all of this time planning.

[TheJerseyKid]

Just goes to show everyone, that once again, you can't "hope" or even really "try" for reconciliation all by yourself. There has to be 2 people making an effort, and for whatever reason, the other person only ever wants to make an effort when you show that you've finally given up on them... in your case, it came of the form of her finding out you now have an official GF. For your sake I hope shes not talking out of her ass just out of jealousy, though the way you have described it, I've got to say it does sound genuine. Good luck and keep us all posted obiv. and I will follow up with you in a few days.

[thekid55]

Just goes to show everyone, that once again, you can't "hope" or even really "try" for reconciliation all by yourself. There has to be 2 people making an effort, and for whatever reason, the other person only ever wants to make an effort when you show that you've finally given up on them... in your case, it came of the form of her finding out you now have an official GF. For your sake I hope shes not talking out of her ass just out of jealousy, though the way you have described it, I've got to say it does sound genuine. Good luck and keep us all posted obiv. and I will follow up with you in a few days.

 

The girlfriend was the final push she needed to get over the hump. She was putting it off (afraid of rejection) and kept doing it. My friend even told me that she asked him basically everyday for the last month what to do and he was getting pissed (lol). She really ramped it up and I give her credit. She has a lot of ball$ for going after me when I have a g/f, we hadn't talked in months, etc. I give her a lot of credit because she laid it all on the line. Again, it's a slow process, but I love her and am willing to see what the future holds.

[Grace696]

Wow! Talk about a surprise twist in the story of thekid. I do feel sorry for E, but you know what? You've got to go for what you really want here, and it's clear that what you really want is your ex. So I'm happy for you. I'm in the process of reconciliation right now myself (must be something in the air right now) so I understand what you mean about having to go for it in spite of the flak that might be directed your way for going back. Ultimately, the people who love me want me to be happy, so while they might have reservations about a reconciliation, they support me. Good luck!

[thekid55]

Just posting an update for everyone. My ex (she's not my ex anymore so we'll call her G) is currently sleeping upstairs. She came to visit me for the long weekend yesterday and we had an excellent day today that included breakfast, a couple's massage, home made dinner, a movie, dessert, and sex. Really can't get much better than that. We are in the early stages of getting back together, but we've made it clear that we only want each other, that we are happy with each other, and want to see where things ultimately go. When I look at her, I just feel complete happiness and love for her and it's the best feeling in the world because I know it's mutual.

 

For those hurting, hang in there and just ride out the tough times. It took up eight months apart, 4.5 months of NC, dating (on both ends), and finally me getting a g/f to push her to make a move after I tried and tried and tried many, many months before. We are happier than ever.

[ToF]

Wow ... Never saw that one coming.

 

Tread carefully here, kid.

[iBroken]

....and finally me getting a g/f to push her to make a move after I tried and tried and tried many, many months before. We are happier than ever.

 

I agree with TOF - Tread carefully here....especially because of the bolded part.

 

Good luck!

[thekid55]

Hi everyone. Her and I have been talking a ton about the eight months when we were apart. I was really digging to see how she felt when I did certain things or acted certain ways to share with everyone here. Hopefully this helps.

 

Acting needy/clingy Pushed her wayyyyy away. I know that's said over and over on here, but I acted this way for the first month and a half or so and it's 100% the truth. Goes to show that the sooner you stop this behavior, the better off you are.

 

Time/Space Clearly the best thing that could have happened to us. Her and I would see each other in public once in awhile (on campus, out at bars/clubs), but there was no interaction. She agreed that us not talking was the best thing for us. We both had to have time and space alone to work on ourselves. If we would have tried being 'friends', not only would that have failed miserably, but we wouldn't be where we are today. Goes to show that you just can't be 'friends' with someone you still view in a romantic light. Those 4.5 months of NC were the ticket to getting back together.

 

Dating/Other People Another big positive for us. I knew that she couldn't find someone better, but needed to go out and realize that on her own. Me telling her that would do nothing but annoy/piss her off. She had to see it first hand by dating, hooking up, whatever. She said that she got close to developing feelings for one guy she dated, but they had a very casual situation and he wasn't looking for committment, which she was cool with because it was stated early. She told me that he wasn't me and some things just felt forced with them. We agreed nothing feels forced with us.

 

For myself, I needed to date, hookup, party, whatever. As you may have read in this journal, I got my wildness completely out of my system. I communicated that as well. She wasn't happy with some things I told her, but I was single and honest and she realized that me doing those things led us to where we are today.

 

Letting go of past hurt feelings If you want to get back together, you can't hold past grudges or bad feelings. You just can't do it. This is a very black/white thing and if you are in the gray area, the reconciliation will eventually fail in time. I realized that I didn't completely forgive her at first, but I needed to be a man and just do it or not waste my time anymore. I found peace, completely just let go, communicated that to her, and she reciprocated. This was after a long, long talk about the past were we agreed to just let it all go.

 

Communication, communication, communication We talk constantly. If something bothers her, we talk about it and I listen. I've become a very, very good listener when I used to be a big time injector (a word?). I don't seek conflict anymore and I let her be a woman and just listen when she's upset. I don't try to fix it. I sympathize with her. She feels so much better now.

 

Fixing Your Mistakes: When you are apart, really take the time to fix yourself. Eating right, the gym, talking to a counsellor/therapist if you need it. She talked to a therapist about her issues and works daily on her 'perfection' image. I've worked on being a better listener, more accepting of people in general, and downsizing my over-inflated ego. I'm man enough to admit it. I can just tell that she fixed her big issues, but I will also tell her when she steps outta line.

 

Family Family is huge for both of us and we needed to make sure that each side was alright with us getting back together. You all saw all of my hurt and pain, well she said that it was just as hard for her. Her family saw her emotionally wrecked for awhile. She just chose to deal with it on her own while I did my thing. My family always loved her and hers loved mine. She came here for Memorial Day weekend and it felt just like old times. Her and my Mom are super close and had a long, private talk about things at one point for an hour. That made me feel very happy that they are on good terms.

 

Skeptics There are always going to be people who want to see you fail. I've had it happen to me my entire life with sports, school, whatever. People get extremely jealous. Relationships are no different. We have our share of supporters, but also a share of people who do not support us. We have both cut those people completely out of our lives. If people cannot be happy for you, then they truly are not your friends. There's no time to waste on negative energy.

 

The Relationship is new Getting back together sounds great and all, but it's a new relationship. The old relationship failed for a reason. New changes with both parties, new outlooks, new friends, new sitaution. I believe that everyone is always true to their core, but new changes can push that relationship to the next level. I've already seen that happen in the few weeks we've been back. She is completely open to me sexually, where she was a bit closed minded in the past. She listens better (as do I).

 

Goals for the future I don't want to get ahead of myself, but we are both shooting for some of the same goals. We are both 22 right now and she has two more years before she's finished her master's. I'm starting work soon and I told her that if everything goes well in these two years, we can really start thinking about our future. Living together and all of that good stuff. I know she wants to marry me (she reminds me daily), but going slow and having goals is essential.

 

In closing, both parties have to want it to get back together. It can't be all one side and if your partner hasn't done the work, you'll see that immediately. Her and I have a long, long road ahead of us, but things always felt right with her and I love her. Just keep the communication levels strong and work together if you are going through this process.

[MakeItCount]

Hey kid, thanks for the constant updates. Great post. It's nice to see someone give back to the community. Sincerely wish you all the best of luck my man.

[twitchyfingers]

kid, that's a great behind-the-scenes perspective you're giving us of the dumper's point-of-view (your ex). Anyone who doubts the value of NC and focusing on one's self should read your last post!

[kuteknish]

Time/Space: Clearly the best thing that could have happened to us. Her and I would see each other in public once in awhile (on campus, out at bars/clubs), but there was no interaction. She agreed that us not talking was the best thing for us. We both had to have time and space alone to work on ourselves. If we would have tried being 'friends', not only would that have failed miserably, but we wouldn't be where we are today. Goes to show that you just can't be 'friends' with someone you still view in a romantic light. Those 4.5 months of NC were the ticket to getting back together.

 

Hey - did she say anything about you ignoring her and being completely like strangers when you saw each other ?

[GotMyLifeBack]

Letting go of past hurt feelings If you want to get back together, you can't hold past grudges or bad feelings. You just can't do it. This is a very black/white thing and if you are in the gray area, the reconciliation will eventually fail in time. I realized that I didn't completely forgive her at first, but I needed to be a man and just do it or not waste my time anymore. I found peace, completely just let go, communicated that to her, and she reciprocated. This was after a long, long talk about the past were we agreed to just let it all go.

 

I think the forgiveness is absolutely indispensable, but usually, and it seems to be true in your case, forgiveness is preceded by a lot of communication about each person's role in things, what happened, how it felt for each person, etc. There may be some people that can forgive with no discussion of the past, but true healing involves making amends with an open heart and a willingness to hear the pain experienced by the other person. When our experiences and feelings are validated by someone we love, forgiveness can come quite easily and make it that much easier to move ahead as a new couple. Nice going TK55.