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He's dissapeared again

SapphireNoir10

By SapphireNoir10
in Relationship Advice

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gsxr104 Contributor

gsxr104

Posted
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I can empathize with you on this. I never liked it when I would try to call my ex g/f and she wouldn't answer. I think communication is so important in a relationship and it becomes factorialy so in a long distance relationship. I think i reached levels of actual suffering during those moments. I suppose I could understand if she was trying to avoid an argument or some kind of conflict but I was never that type. I, at all cost, avoid arguments. I have always felt that a calm discussion from both sides is always going to be way more productive than any shouting match, any time.

So again, I know what you're talking about. I know how you feel. And I hope that everything works out for you.

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mad rabbits Contributor

mad rabbits

Posted
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Blue, I'm sorry you are going through this, but it really is for the best. You will hurt for some time but trust me, you are about to step off the rollercoaster and in a few months you won't know yourself. There will be sadness but there will also be peace. It really is a great feeling after the anxiety of the situation you have been in, the situation he has put you through.

 

 

Yeah, and I while I do think it's important to express anger, it's still not really cool to punish anyone. I tend towards statements like, "When you ignore me I feel rejected and then angry and then afraid and finally indifferent."

 

In my case I waited far too long to complete the process of expressing myself. Once I did nc seemed redundant since I've nothing left to say.

 

I agree wave, punishment for it's own sake is not really cool, and I hope I didn't come accross as being of that mindset. This all happened just a few months ago so I still carry a lot of anger to this person and it dribbles out here and there.

 

Punishment for it's own sake is without value and "not cool" but, and I have said this in another thread, when someone really transgresses our boundaries and treats us with disrespect it IS fair and right that we take an opportunity to inform them of the pain they have caused. In my situation, not only could I not get him to listen, but he was dragging me through emotional torture while he kept his options open. Cutting him out of my life spared my sanity but I feel it also made a statement that I did not appreciate the terms of the relationship - the deceitful terms he constructed -at that point. So much so, that refusing to engage him any further was more desirable than continuing to have contact.

 

There is nothing wrong with taking the high road and refusing to engage. I did not hurt him by my actions, but I made clear that he was hurting me. "Punishment" would be like, writing hate mail, boiling rabbits and so on...

 

Anyway, I like your idea, and I think each person and each situation is unique, and whatever it takes for a person to heal, is the right way for them...

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waveseer Rising Star

waveseer

Posted
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badhabits, rather than quote you quoting me I'll just start here instead. I believe in NC and needed it in order to put the pieces of myself and my life back together. I also spent several years getting on with my life and 9 months specifically on ena before I just decided to throw caution to the wind and stand up for myself. I wasn't engaging anyone, I knew he wouldn't respond. I sent maybe 6 or 8 emails over the next two months as I thought of more things I wanted to say.

 

It's been over 30 days now and I only saved my last email so I could reread my promise not to initiate contact again. A really big and growing part of me hopes I never hear from him again.

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mad rabbits Contributor

mad rabbits

Posted
Posted

Okay, thanks for clarifying the history and the situation. I haven't read all your posts.

 

I'm intrigued though, how did you feel about sending those emails, knowing he would not respond? It seems a really brave thing to do, and I can understand the value of it...but I wouldn't in my situation, knowing he wouldn't respond or maybe even read or care what I had to say, I mean, my ego (a beast I struggle with ) couldn't handle it.

 

What do you think is the distinction, from your experiential point of view, between say writing a letter and not sending it (a therapy frequently advocated here on ena), and sending an email you know they won't reply to and maybe not even read?

 

Just curious for your thoughts.

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diamond78 Explorer

diamond78

Posted
Posted
He admitted he didnt loose his phone. Were still talking.

 

 

Wow...He really did lie about that?? I believe he had lied, but a part of me hoped he was telling the truth because you don't want to believe it to be true you know?

 

Did he explain to you why he decided to disappear for a couple days and then turn around and concoct a story like that?

 

You guys hadn't argued, so why did he feel the need to disappear? It just doesn't make sense. Something is definitely going on with him.

 

 

How are you holding up emotionally?

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waveseer Rising Star

waveseer

Posted
Posted
Okay, thanks for clarifying the history and the situation. I haven't read all your posts.

 

I'm intrigued though, how did you feel about sending those emails, knowing he would not respond? It seems a really brave thing to do, and I can understand the value of it...but I wouldn't in my situation, knowing he wouldn't respond or maybe even read or care what I had to say, I mean, my ego (a beast I struggle with ) couldn't handle it.

 

What do you think is the distinction, from your experiential point of view, between say writing a letter and not sending it (a therapy frequently advocated here on ena), and sending an email you know they won't reply to and maybe not even read?

 

Just curious for your thoughts.

 

Well, this is the interesting part. I believe that due to the circumstances I had trouble letting go because in my mind our identities overlapped. Separating from him was in some ways like trying to separate from myself. A reader may at this point say that I have some sort of disorder, but given the fact that this had never happened to me before in my life, I tend to think it was due to the specific situation and I have no worries about ever being in it again.

 

There was nothing I could do (or not do) to save or destroy our relationship, once I was convinced of that I had nothing left to lose. He had been in contact with me long enough to satisfy his own guilty conscience so he could move on, in a sense using me all over again, so why should I feel badly about giving him back the piece of my mind with his name on it? It took knowing that he's not the right man for me and never will be either. Now, for most people that is enough to walk away at peace, but even though I made requests for a goodbye conversation he never saw fit to grant me one. I was very angry about that because I considered it a betrayal of the bond we once shared. He had it coming and I couldn't move on completely until I expunged him from my heart. Maybe he was too ashamed to talk with me, but since he couldn't even respond to an email I'd have to say it was pure cowardice. He was too afraid to hear the truth and I finally realized that was no longer my problem, he can deal with his own issues himself and I am done making excuses for his behavior.

 

Please don't think I was a saint in this relationship, far from it. What I was though was willing to talk about anything, anytime. But it takes two willing people, not just one.

 

I had to stand up for myself in order to cut the last tie. Writing a letter I never sent wouldn't do the job. It doesn't matter one bit to me if he ever reads the words I sent or not, I sent them for me not him. Selfish for sure, but it was long overdue that one of us looked out for me in this relationship. Had I looked out for myself adequately in the beginning this wouldn't have been necessary but that does not excuse him from responsibility for his part.

 

I hope that this all makes sense to you.

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avman Grand Master

avman

Posted
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I don't know how many chances you are going to give this guy Blue. This is at least 4 times in the past month or two where he's done the same behavior and shows no sign of changing.

 

He's not going to change. This is who he is. And this is what he's going to continue to do to you.

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lady00 Grand Master

lady00

Posted
Posted
I don't know how many chances you are going to give this guy Blue. This is at least 4 times in the past month or two where he's done the same behavior and shows no sign of changing.

 

He's not going to change. This is who he is. And this is what he's going to continue to do to you.

 

I'm afraid I have to agree. If this were bad move #1 on his part, that would be a different story. But you have already given him several chances to treat you well and he has deliberately chosen not to.

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karvala Collaborator

karvala

Posted
Posted
Eugh is all I can say at the moment

 

Im not sure what I want or whats going on right now, we are talking/seeing eachother and Im seeing if I can give it another go or not.

 

Stupid? probably. I have a feeling it may end soon Im not sure If i can get past it at all

 

Well I think it wasn't hard to predict to this was going to happen, and I say that with absolutely no blame. I know you were embarrassed to post that, but please don't be; it's better to be honest about what's going on, even if you anticipate negative responses.

 

I'll spare you any lecture from me, but I will say one thing only: I don't know you, but you're young, you're articulate, and the fact that you have a current bf suggests you have many other desirable qualities as well. In short: you will not be alone for long, should you choose to sever your current attachment. You know this guy isn't good enough for you, isn't all that you really want. You will find someone better. Of that, there is absolutely no doubt. The only thing you need to do, is to finally believe in it. Believe in yourself.

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