He's dissapeared again

[diamond78]

Trust me guys...I know all this

 

I mean I say the same things to people your saying to me and mean them because I KNOW how this ends up.

 

I just wish you guys could know him...you'd be as confused as I was

 

 

It's always hard when you are emotionally connected to someone and know both their good and bad sides.

 

I guess you guys have to get to the root of the problem...like why does he feel the need to lie and make up these stories? Have you guys talked about that in depth? This will continue to occur unless you guys figure out the why and focus on how to stop this bad habit of his from reappearing over and over again. And he has to put in the effort needed to stop it from happening again....

[lady00]

I was also wondering what reasons he gives for his strange behavior. From what was posted, it sounds like he has admitted to disappearing and lying but hasn't attempted to give a reason why.

[SapphireNoir10]

He says that when he upsets me he panics and thinks hes lost me and that I wont believe anything he tells me...like its a vicious cycle.

 

Im glad he admitted to lying...

 

The thing is hes acting like normal making sweet comments on my facebook etc....when its not normal...i know hes trying to be sweet

 

Were talking a lot...I literally think he has communication issues...

 

He said he feels insecure about me like hes not good enough for me AHH

[lavenderdove]

Just be careful Blue... my ex-husband played this 'tortured soul' routine with me for years to excuse bad behavior like this. I finally figured out after 8 years that he was just colosolly selfish and self centered, and would say ANYTHING that sounded good to get his own way.

 

I finally booted him when i got sick of the selfishness, and made him see a psychiatrist who basically said he had no desire to be a grown up or think about anyone but himself in a relationship. He had no desire to change, so he didn't.

 

So don't be confused by a smokescreen of words. Someone who is genuinely suffering, and knows they are hurting someone they supposedly love, will actually DO something about it and change their behavior. If all he's giving you is words and excuses, and you see no real change in behavior, then don't buy into the sympathy ploys or excuses.

[lady00]

Just be careful Blue... my ex-husband played this 'tortured soul' routine with me for years to excuse bad behavior like this. I finally figured out after 8 years that he was just colosolly selfish and self centered, and would say ANYTHING that sounded good to get his own way.

 

This is a key thing to consider. Some people will try to make themselves out to be complicated and conflicted when really they are just trying to manipulate you.

[SapphireNoir10]

tis really hard

 

Cos when were together its great

 

But as you all know he does lots of crappy stuff too

[greywolf]

tis really hard

 

Cos when were together its great

 

But as you all know he does lots of crappy stuff too

 

I don't care what he says even if it's true. There is no reason to treat someone you love like crap. No excuse at all.

He does not know what love is yet.

[Lucius]

I don't know any of the people involved here, but from what I'm reading (and I did read the entire thread), I'm seeing some classic signs of manipulation and control.

 

From what I can glean, this guy is a practiced, habitual liar, and a clever, relentless manipulator. He knows exactly what buttons to push to make you hurt, and exactly what strings to pull to drag you back in. A to-ing and fro-ing that abusers use to keep a person confused, weak, and compliant. A to-ing and fro-ing which achieves nothing at all if the victim is not a willing accomplice - a willing participant in the lies, manipulations, and selfishness. Willing to tolerate all of it, for the mere whiff of the love and good qualities that he (like all people) does exhibit from time to time. That's how abusers work; they string you along with tidbits of love - just enough to keep you around, loyal and hooked - while they get up to whatever it is they get up to on the side. It's a familiar dance, and one that takes two to complete.

 

Reading through these posts, it's so sad and so clear. You know all of this already. You come up with these little ways of making things, while not okay exactly, still somehow 'understandable'. You seek out ways to justify, in other words, staying with him. Because despite knowing it's wrong, that's what you want. You see some good in him, and you want that good so much that you ignore the bad. Or, if you don't ignore it, you refuse to act on it. It's like the ultimate act of false hope and self-destructive and naive optimism. And until that changes, I can practically guarantee you: none of this will change. It will just drive you crazy; with hurt, worry, self-recrimination, and confusion. And you don't need or deserve that one bit, Blue.

 

But, as I say, this post ultimately means nothing. None of our words will mean much - not really - not until you're ready to act on what you already know you deserve. I wish you all the best, Blue - you're a good person, and you don't deserve all this. I hope that sinks in sooner rather than later, and that you're able to act on it. A person like you will never be alone - not unless you let fear paralyze you, and keep you in this sad place.

[SapphireNoir10]

Thanks. I've been with an abuser physical/metal before.

 

it doesnt feel like that

 

but your right he is being cruel manipulative

arg

[faithful14]

If he's truly worried about losing you, he better be working his butt off right now to make sure he doesn't. The main thing I would stress is to watch how he is. Actions will always speak louder than words so if what he's saying doesn't match with what he's doing, you need to watch out for yourself. I truly hope things get better though!

[SapphireNoir10]

Thank guys. You've been wonderful.

 

I'll update you again when I know whats going on

[karvala]

Good luck, Blue. I know you'll do what you think is best, and nobody can ask more than that.

[vivia12]

It seems like he enjoys seeing you suffer. If someone cares about you, they will make enough effort. He's obviously not making any.

 

Save yourself the misery. I think you already know that this is going to happen again.

 

I was in a relationship with someone like that, who would sometimes go days without calling me, & then would say "I was busy with stuff", as if it was no problem. His behavior never changed, along with his immaturity.

 

 

 

I'm going through that myself,and i told myself that i wont deal with him,but still do,which is ridiculous.remember men like that are plain scared of commitment and only wants to keep you in the dark,

google this site,unavailable man and fall back girl,it deals solely on those kinds of guys,meaning a$$clowns

[mad rabbits]

I don't know any of the people involved here, but from what I'm reading (and I did read the entire thread), I'm seeing some classic signs of manipulation and control.

 

From what I can glean, this guy is a practiced, habitual liar, and a clever, relentless manipulator. He knows exactly what buttons to push to make you hurt, and exactly what strings to pull to drag you back in. A to-ing and fro-ing that abusers use to keep a person confused, weak, and compliant. A to-ing and fro-ing which achieves nothing at all if the victim is not a willing accomplice - a willing participant in the lies, manipulations, and selfishness. Willing to tolerate all of it, for the mere whiff of the love and good qualities that he (like all people) does exhibit from time to time. That's how abusers work; they string you along with tidbits of love - just enough to keep you around, loyal and hooked - while they get up to whatever it is they get up to on the side. It's a familiar dance, and one that takes two to complete.

 

Reading through these posts, it's so sad and so clear. You know all of this already. You come up with these little ways of making things, while not okay exactly, still somehow 'understandable'. You seek out ways to justify, in other words, staying with him. Because despite knowing it's wrong, that's what you want. You see some good in him, and you want that good so much that you ignore the bad. Or, if you don't ignore it, you refuse to act on it. It's like the ultimate act of false hope and self-destructive and naive optimism. And until that changes, I can practically guarantee you: none of this will change. It will just drive you crazy; with hurt, worry, self-recrimination, and confusion. And you don't need or deserve that one bit, Blue.

 

But, as I say, this post ultimately means nothing. None of our words will mean much - not really - not until you're ready to act on what you already know you deserve. I wish you all the best, Blue - you're a good person, and you don't deserve all this. I hope that sinks in sooner rather than later, and that you're able to act on it. A person like you will never be alone - not unless you let fear paralyze you, and keep you in this sad place.

 

I couldn't have said it better myself.

[norsewoman]

Thanks. I've been with an abuser physical/metal before.

 

it doesnt feel like that

 

but your right he is being cruel manipulative

arg

 

It's mental abuse that he received your tortured messages for days on end begging him to let you know he was o.k. and what was going on...and never responded. Go back and read your posts...you were sick to your stomach.

 

I wasted a year and a half of my young (at the time) life with a person who "disappeared" frequently. When I threatened to end things, she too would cry and plead and beg me not to leave. Turns out that not only was she cheating, she was doing so with many others- in fact, her life was one huge mass of secrets. Her house of cards finally came tumbling down around her. I have ALWAYS trusted my gut since that horrible experience.

 

Even if this guy is not cheating, there is something going on with him. It might be drugs, it might be a power trip, he might be a total sadist...who knows? I just hope you find the strength to leave, and please, please do not move in with him.

 

Take care, and keep us posted...

[dangletsbang]

What is the update, blue..?

[SapphireNoir10]

I went to stay with him for a week for a make and break thingy.

 

We got on well.

 

I guess were taking it slow, I've insisted on stepping it back to dating and im just seeing where it goes.

[Charis1978]

I cant believe you haven't given up on him yet. You're something else. He really doesn't deserve you

[lilly.lilly]

 

I was in a relationship with someone like that, who would sometimes go days without calling me, & then would say "I was busy with stuff", as if it was no problem. His behavior never changed, along with his immaturity.

 

I know this isnt' about the OP's original post, but PsychGirly, how did you cope with the above, when he kept saying he was busy with stuff? My boyfriend does that a LOT. I ask if he wants to see a movie, like 5 days from now and i'll get 'im busy this week'. He disapeared for 4 days and told me he was 'busy'.... like its okay... drives me nuts!

[SapphireNoir10]

I think she broke up with him!! If someone doesnt have time for you, you shouldnt make time for them.

 

And I know I should walk away, you guys are right. But Im going back to dating and seeing how that goes. Maybe this is what it'll take for him to learn.