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It's getting closer to the new year and I can't help feel sad that I havent hear from you. I'm trying hard to pretend that I don't care about us anymore and I put up a front to my friends and family. I act like I am stronger than I am, I pretend so people don't know the truth of the matter and how much I miss you. I don't understand how you don't feel this way, if I am so destroyed inside by not having you. I want to know if you even care a little, you seem very happy without me around, I honestly hoped you would have text me by now, or added me on fb. You dont seem to care one way or another. It's taking everything in me just to try to forget the memories of you. I wish I could forget and not feel this way anymore. I regret the day we met.

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I will always be who I am. Don't hate me because you imagined this perfect person, who would love you unconditionally, never argue with you, always praise you, take care of all your needs, without expecting anything in return. I never said I was that person, you decided who I was and never tried to get to know me and then blamed me for not being the person you decided I was. I am happy being me, I have people who love me just the way I am. I am trying to move on from you, and I'm doing well. Don't hate me because I realized you weren't a good match for me, don't hate me because I decided that if you couldn't love me when I was down and out, you didn't deserve me at my best. You chose to leave, I begged and you still left. You found someone else, so be happy with her. You treated me poorly and I still wanted to make it work, and now you're angry because I finally realized that I could never be happy with you and moved on? Would you be happy if I were still chasing?

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I still miss you. I thought I was beginning to get over you, but when I heard your voice today I was miserable all over again. I miss your funny old voice, your laugh, your smile. I miss how easy it is to talk to you, how well I know you. I hate seeing things I could buy you, or want to do with you, and not being able to do them.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me, why I felt so bad when I was with you. I wish I had reasons for that feeling that I can never get back together with you. I wish I were attracted to you. You are one of the most amazing people I've ever met and I hate myself that I have hurt you. I have ruined the life of the most wonderful guy and I feel like I have lost a part of myself. I feel like I have withered away a part of my soul by doing something so evil. But it can never be the same. And I can't pretend. So I have to keep going. Sorry. I love you.

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I miss you. I dont know what happened. I wanted an adult mature relationship. But we could never get a conversation going babe. This guy you are with now, he may make more money than me now, but he has 10 years on me. I am the most successful person I know in my age group - solid income, job, ambition. You dont think I'd be twice as rich as he is in 10 years?

 

But babe, you loved my humor and sex was great. So why are you being so short sighted. Why dont you see the distance?

 

I know i made mistakes. I was protecting myself. I am sorry babe. One last chance to make it right. I miss your house and your deck. I miss the smell of you. I miss the clothes you wore. I miss everything about that house. I am broken down. I am extremely sad.

 

And all I have left are these imperfect memories of you and me. Things will look up some day. But tonight darling, I just want to die in your arms.

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I let another man kiss me last night.

 

You know what I did?

 

I started crying.

 

I couldn't do it. What an idiot! I quite liked him too, and he was completely different to you. He liked me as well but I completely freaked him out! I'm not a person to go out randomly kissing other people, maybe I was trying too hard to be indifferent and over you when I'm far from ready. Everything just seems rubbish without you still. I don't want anyone else to touch me yet, I know that now. And you're kissing someone else...this is so blinking horrible

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I'm missing you; not because I need you, but because I'm especially lonely on this New Years Eve.

 

I'm not going out, I'm not being productive at all. Just sitting in front of the computer doing pretty much nothing.

 

Have you thought about me today? I don't know.

 

What I know is, you have more company than I do.

 

I sent you a message for Christmas, but I guess I'll just say my New Year wishes here.

 

I wish you have a happy new year. Final 3 terms of school. 加油!

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I feel so very sad today. I sobbed and sobbed this morning in the shower. I can't get rid of this cold and feeling rubbish, so I guess that's not helping. I was planning on a shopping spree today but I'm too tired of coughing to venture into town. I managed just fine on my own before, so why can't I just go back to how I was before I met you? What did you do to get so under my skin and into my heart? I am worried I will never be able to forget you or find someone who just fits me so well. I miss our conversations. Please don't forget me - I can't bear it

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You know what? I care more about you maybe developing an emotional connection with this girl than a physical one. Yes, the thought of you doing those things with someone else hurts, but it hurts more to think you might end up sharing a real emotional bond with her. That's so much worse, because it was something special to me and it meant so much that I was the first one you did that, and all of the other stuff, with. This is crazy - you've only been on two dates with her. It will prob come to nothing.

 

The thought of me kissing someone else and becoming really intimate just turns my stomach. I don't know how I can ever let myself become that vulnerable again. Now I'm crying because I know this is something that is going to take me so much courage to overcome.

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Much harder than I thought. Very hard. Much sorrow, regret, confusion, hurt. I can't stop thinking about you. About me, what I did. Did I cause this, really? I know it wasn't just me. Did you use my 'wobble' as a way out. An excuse? All the things I did that were 'wrong'. What we could have done differently. What you might be doing now. Will we ever see each other again? We didn't even say a proper good-bye.

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I'm ready for the holidays to be over. I know you need time and you said we will see each other again but I'm scared this could be it. I can't contact you anymore because if you want me it had to be you coming after me. I hope you realize what we had and that our connection and chemistry is hard to find. We can get through this.

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I miss you and I want more than anything to call you up and wish you a Happy New Year but I won't because I'm going on 2 weeks of NC and starting to feel better. The tickets to the show we were supposed to go to tonight are sitting on top of my dresser and it makes me so sad to look at them. We were supposed to ring in the New Year together but now I'm alone and wondering what you are doing. You cheated, you lied, and you broke me but I still love you and miss you. I just have to get through tonight and I'll be fine. I just want the holidays to be over! I guess instead of missing you, I should remind myself of last New Years and the awful mess you made then. I bought a special dress and spent an hour getting ready for the fancy party. We were driving to my friends house and you were drunk and being belligerent/obtuse/childish (as you always are when you drink) and giving me attitude about having to spend New Years with people you 'looked down' on. We got into an argument and you opened the car door, while I was driving, and threatened to jump out. I stopped the car and said fine, get out, and I went to the party by myself while you called your friend to pick you up. I couldn't even enjoy the night because you started to call me, begging me to leave the party and meet you at your house. I remember how I was so ready to leave you that night. I remember getting an awful ominous feeling that the relationship was doomed... but I stayed, only to have you cheat on me. I miss you, until I start to actually remember how you were. Now, after making myself remember last New Years, I don't miss you anymore.

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I miss you so badly. I want to be with you again but you don't want me. I'm hurting so much and I don't know what to do...how can I heal? How can I forget about you? I need to move on...I know I do. I just can't seem to forget you though and I want you so badly. Why couldn't you keep your promise to me?

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I think my New Year's resolution is to go complete NC with you for 6 months. I don't need to even understand it, I just need to have faith that it is the right thing to do. That person I loved and connected with? I dunno where the hell he is but it can't be you. I honestly don't know how you didn't reply to my last text. You text me first so I assume you care..? Do you only care for me when I am strong and happy and can support you? Is this what love is to you? I simply do not understand the way you think.

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Well, I kinda don't even know what to say to you anymore. I am so weary of this continued small talk and pleasantries, being kept at a distance, shot down when I move too close but being given reassurance that you do love me and care for me, and you never know, eh? Lovely little position for you to be in, when you don't want commitment, not so lovely for the one who would have it all back tomorrow, without all these ridiculous 'steps' (evidence of which I have yet to see).

 

With all my friends leaving to travel this year, and hearing about all the amazing things they will see and do, I remember that was me once, and I am going to work towards that goal. You'll regret it someday, you will. Noone else will ever ever love you as much as I do. That's a fact. Hope you have a great 2012 without me chuck, knock yourself out.

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