Musical77

I'm healing T. I'm not there yet by any stretch of the imagination. But I can feel progress. I am digging deep and working so hard to face my fears and past problems. It isn't easy and I've had many times recently where I've wanted to give up on the counselling and reading, but I know I've come so far that I cannot stop here. It's incredible how this has opened a Pandora's box for me - everything in my past has come to the surface - the good and the bad... This has been one of the most testing experiences of my life. I just wish you could know how incredibly difficult and painful this has been for me, because then when I'm fully healed I can show you that no matter how much it hurts when your heart breaks and your world seems shattered, no matter how you feel like you are literally losing your mind, you can get through it, you can handle it. I wish I could show you that it is possible to take a real risk with your heart, to love and be loved, and to let someone in, really close, to see you as you really are, your true self. You got so far and yet fear got in the way. Maybe I wasn't right for you. But you know I would have listened to you, let you be you, offered support if you were troubled, even if only as a confidant and not as a girlfriend. I know what it is to live in fear of love, of intimacy, of taking that risk. I did it for too long and now I don't know if I can overcome it again. But for now, I just have to keep working through this grief, the griefs of the past, my self-image, my life in general. Hopefully the rest will follow. Goodnight.

So yesterday was the date we first started chatting - 22nd March. I remembered it but I'm sure it passed you by. Never did I expect to fall for you in the way I did. After last week's major setback I've been much better this week (the usual up and down emotions, but only cried twice in last 7 days - yay!). But tonight, tonight I just feel exhausted. I'm doing so much work on my own issues, exploring them with the counsellor and reading and reading and reading about it all. I feel good to finally be addressing these things. How will I ever meet someone I feel such a connection with T? I just feel scared that I won't and I've spent too many years on my own to want another couple of decades stretched out ahead of me as a singleton. I've been single all my life. It's all I knew till I met you. I'm scared that I won't be able to deal with all that a relationship requires - I fear feeling overwhelmed, engulfed and yet I crave that intimacy, that special friendship, the affection, laughs and kisses and cuddles. I am so in a different place to how I was a few months ago, but truth be told, I still miss you. It's so unfair that you don't miss me. I'm such a special person and you know it. Oh well, onwards and upwards!

Am getting back on track after a really rough week T. I had another v good counselling session today and I have so many things to explore further. I can do this. I am determined to deal with all of the pain and all of my repressed feelings and thoughts. I have ordered a couple of books that I think will help me a lot in my journey. I know that they would be excellent for you too. Yes, they are all about fear of intimacy. I WISH I could tell you for real and pass on some of what I have learnt to you, but you know where I am and how I said I would be there should you need someone to confide in. You chose not to do that, so it's your loss. I need to help myself now, even though a little bit of me will always want to be able to help you too, because you were my friend.....

That big corner I turned....I reversed back up it this week. I have no idea why. I was doing so well and yet this week has been so very tough. I am tired of having to deal with everything this experience has brought up. I know in the long run it's a good thing for me to have faced the issues I have, but it hurts so much sometimes to deal with it all. And you? You have even more issues than I do, and I guess you have done very little about them. Have a good St Paddy's Day T. I never got to see your leprechaun costume! I hope you are not showing it to someone else....

How are you T? I've been doing pretty good in regard to you. I still think about you every day - crazy at it is. But I don't feel pain or hurt, just still a little sad at different points. I have other worries at the moment. My dad is not himself and my mum is worried sick about his memory. She has stomach pains and her blood pressure has shot up. He turns 70 next month and has had a really bad last 5 years with his heath........diabetes, heart trouble, cancer. He takes so many pills. I know he's worrying about his cancer blood test coming up in May and I told my mum that stress and worry make you forgetful, so I hope to god that's what it is. I know she worries about it being something else. I've got to be strong for her because she is even more of a worrier than I am. And I will. Honestly I just could do with something really nice happening to me right now and I don't care if that sounds selfish. Anyway I don't know why I'm telling you this! Guess just saying life goes on, there is always something to worry about and that's the same for most people. I'm sure you still have worries, but you choose not to share them with anyone.

I had a very difficult counselling session today T. I talked about stuff which is not easy for me to talk about. I felt really vulnerable. I have no idea why I'm telling you this really. You are living your life and I'm guessing still burying your head in the sand? I don't blame you. Sometimes trying to face problems can be so hard, so painful. I understand why you want to run away from them. I'm scared I can't face mine. I hope I can. I really do.

Exactly. Would someone say that if someone close to you that you love has passed away? No. You cannot switch your feelings off over night. It takes time, and more time for some than others. It really annoyed me today! I'm doing quite well at the moment and honestly when I told this friend and his wife an abbreviated version of what had happened (I haven't seen them in a year so they didn't know about it) they both said that they had never in their lives taken that long to get over someone (they are both now in their 40s). They said it should take a month at most. They looked at me like I have two heads or something! Grrr! I'm coming to the realisation that everyone is so different when it comes to relationships and dealing with break-ups.

6 months now. An old (male) friend said to me today it's ridiculous to take that long to fully get over someone. I was a little stung by his insensitivity. It's funny how the world is made up of such vastly different people! It's my birthday tomorrow. I'll be 35. I think that's a woman's prime (-: I feel so much better. I hope how I'm feeling lasts. I really do. I feel like this past week I've just turned a whopping great corner. It's weird. I wonder what shifted things for me? I was stuck for so long. I expect there will be some downs to come. But I know I feel strong again. I feel more at peace. I just pray that this continues.....

What an interesting week. I am making progress. I am still wary of this progress T, because it is peppered with times of still missing you (your company and how you understood me most of all). I still cannot envisage finding someone who I will feel that way and that does scare me. But I'd rather be on my own than just settle for someone. I've never been like that and never will. I will always stay true to myself. I will never understand how people just hop from one person to the next. I know you feel the same way too. Sigh. I feel a little wistful tonight. I guess I just have to let these feelings wash over me and eventually the ups and downs will even out. I know how much you want me to find someone. But you are still too special to me. I'm clear in my mind now that it probably wouldn't have worked in the long run, but when it's cut short at that really happy stage, it's so hard to gain perspective. I don't even know if you have any bad habits. It's virtually 6 months. I would never have believed it would take this long and I STILL think of you every day. I'm starting to accept you will stay in my heart. I read here about 'letting go with love' and that's what I'm trying to do. I know I wouldn't want to go out with you now anyway. I just care for you deeply and the thought of never seeing you ever again is still a little difficult to get my head around. You have a special place in my heart. You taught me how to let go. I wish you could know just how much that meant to me. I hope that one day I can be happy for you if you meet someone else. I'm not there yet. It's my birthday next week T. 35 years old. What a year it's been. I hope I don't have to go through this pain again. I'm not the strongest person. I hope no-one breaks your heart either T. I know you are not so strong either x

You're on your own T. I don't believe you have a girlfriend, do you? Yet, you so want me to find someone special. You actually want me to be happy. I still feel confused. I don't know what I want in life. I cannot imagine finding someone like you. Yes, even with your flaws. I'm not looking for this 'better person' that people insist I will find. I miss you too much and I know it is ridiculous. Maybe you weren't right for me, but you did so much to raise my self-image. I never felt desirable in my whole life before I met you. You genuinely made me feel beautiful. This is what I'm struggling with so much right now, because I look in the mirror and I can't see what you saw. I feel like I'm back at square one. How I used to see myself and I feel pathetic that I base how I feel on how I look because it's so superficial. But you made me believe for a short time that I was pretty and it meant more to me than anything in the whole world. I'm crying because I feel like no-one understands this part of me, this longing to feel wanted in a physical way and I don't know how I will ever get to that point again. I told you you were beautiful inside and out and you didn't believe me either did you? I feel like you were a reflection of me - my identical twin - and I know this is why I can't let you go. Oh dear..........bad afternoon. I just want someone to hold me.

This has been a really mixed week T. I have felt very emotional, all over the place, crying a lot, yet inbetween I'm getting these periods, just a few hours at a time, when I feel my old self. I feel like this healing process is so strange. I still think about you way too much. I think I have obsessive complusive disorder or something lol! I need to figure out how I let go. Is it really just time? I don't believe you have forgotten about me, but I'm sure you don't think about me everyday (-: I wonder if you will ever have the courage to talk to me about the things that trouble you? I mean it, I will always be there for you, if you need someone to confide in. Some people will think me mad, but I'm just me. I'm not a doormat. I would never take crap from anyone. You know that. I do worry I will never find the right person, but that is more about me than you. I'm rambling and must get back to work.

I feel so low. I feel angry. I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like I don't know how to move on. I know I can only move on when I fully let go. I haven't let go. I hate how I'm not a harder person. I wish I wasn't so emotional and confused. I'm treading water. How could you want me so much and then run away? I have never experienced anything like this before. I know you and how you would be devastated to know I'm feeling so bad still. But maybe I don't really know you at all. I'm scared. I'm 34 and it took me till this age to find someone special. I feel like there is something wrong with me. You told me I'm beautiful and sexy and how much you wanted me, you told me I'm so lovely and kind and giving and witty and that you're sure I will find someone special. If I'm all those things, why couldn't you want to be with me? You told me all of that right up to the end. I know this isn't about me, it's about you. I wish you could have let me in. No-one will match my ability to empathise. You are a fool for letting me go. But it's your choice and you have to live with it. I hate how I've slipped backwards. I wish I could just go out and date and have fun but I don't want anyone else - yet.

I have a couple of days off work T. I went out for the afternoon for a lovely river walk and hot chocolate and cake and a little browse around the shops. It's cold outside. I feel the longer time goes on the more I feel you were the one for me. I know this is my mind playing tricks, but still. It's very annoying. I wish I could pluck up the courage to go dating again. I know I have to try sometime. But I just don't feel ready. WHY are you ready? Why don't you miss me? I cannot believe I still think about you every day? I couldn't take going on dates with people that I don't really connect with. I've been there and done that. But when I did it before I met you, it didn't matter so much. I never got that disappointed because I figured that when I did finally meet someone who was right, I would know. And I did. I met you and thought - this is what it should feel like. You were my first love. I'm 34 and you were my first love. That was so hard for me. I'm crying writing this now because I feel pathetic about the whole thing. I wrote you a song T. You were so touched by it. When I played it to you on my guitar I couldn't believe I was doing this. I'm not a natural performer and yet here I was singing you a song that I wrote from the bottom of my heart, just for you. You broke my heart T. I've stuck it back together, but it feels like it's stuck back with sellotape and it just still doesn't feel right. I miss you and how you made me feel sooooo much. I cannot tell my friends and family anymore because they will think I'm crazy for still feeling this way. I don't know how to forget you. I'm trying everything. I'm sorry I wasn't what you wanted. It felt like I was. I hope you are thinking of me today. Bloody Valentines Day! I normally couldn't care less about it.

This is so weird - the better I'm feeling, the more I'm getting back to my old self, the more times I feel I want to contact you. I seem to be the opposite of the textbooks! When I was a mess I had so much less temptation to get in touch. I guess it's because I was unsure of my own feelings and I knew it would achieve nothing. Maybe Valentines is not helping. Although that is just plain weird as I have never received a Valentines card from anybody and am usually not bothered by it at all. I have a fantasy that this year I will get one. I had a great day out today. Please I don't want to contact you yet. I know I must do it only when I know I can handle whatever reply I might get - and that day hasn't come. I feel like I'm healing, yet everytime I feel you slipping from my heart I feel the need to hold on just a little bit longer. Enjoy the game tonight, but I'll be supporting the opposition - vive le France! (Better looking players T! ;-))

I am starting to see how lucky I am. This board is full of people with heartrending stories. People who have been lied to, cheated on, treated like crap. You let me down, but I see your actions for what they were. You weren't sure so you got out quickly before you thought you could hurt me. You kind of got that bit wrong, because I had already fallen for you big-time. You were guilty of misleading me (well I know you had feelings for me and were having a great time, so misleading is even a little harsh) and you were guilty of being afraid, scared and a little wrapped up in your safe single life. But that was all. You were not to know quite how much this would devastate me. Hell, even I was surprised at how much it hurt, considering my fears and uncertainties. I still have some anger (partly directed at you for not having the courage to give it a go, but mostly directed at the universe for letting you slip away from me when it has taken all these years for someone to just fit me so well and blow me away). I honestly don't understand how so many people jump from one person to another as if they are a pair of shoes or something. I let you into my heart because I had deep feelings for you. I still miss you and have moments where I wish you would reach out to me. I wish those moments would fade quicker than they are. I just don't think I will ever meet someone like you. At least I can say I met a gentleman, a very special person. This is why it's so hard, because I believe one day you will see you lost a kindred spirit. But at the end of the day, it could only have worked if you had been able to take it to the next level and I'm not sure you could have or maybe ever will. I do miss your kisses (-: I am such a good, well-behaved girl with probably way too many principles(!) but honest to god, if I had a month to live, I would call you up and ask you to spend the night with me! To hell with it, a whole week! But that is not real life is it? What is wrong with me today???!!! I have a crazy brain (-: At least I'm smiling...........

Mixed day today. I felt sad this morning. Got my hair cut and coloured - my grey roots were looking bad! Went shopping this afternoon with my mum and treated her to tea and cake. She asked me why I was grumpy. We had a pretty good chat and I told her about how I'm doing so much better but still think of you a lot and that it's simply going to take time to come out the other side. I don't talk to her about this stuff a lot because she has always been fiercely overprotective and would probably kill anyone who hurt any of her kids (lol!) but I've had two pretty good conversations with her recently about this stuff and for the most part she has been understanding and not said anything to make me feel worse. She knows that having met you, you were a truly decent guy. She also knows I wouldn't have gone for anyone who wasn't decent. She is upset (and rightly so) that I've been so hurt. But she understands the ins and outs of it all. It helped me talking to her. My urge to contact you has lessened, although it is still there. My cold is nearly gone and I'm back at work tomorrow. I hope you are o.k. and still single - haha!!! I told you I'm not perfect and not as lovely as everyone thinks! I hope one day I can find someone with good morals and shared values who can still ignite that spark in me like you did. Trust me that you were incredibly special to me - many before have tried and failed with me. It took an incredibly lovely guy to finally set that part of me free. This is why it is so hard for me to get through this, because we were so similar and understood each other in that sense. It was fun to experience the newness of everything as if teenagers, even though we were in our 30s. God I wish you missed me just a wee bit (-: Incidentally, my mum thinks you are confused about who you are too. I so wish that you could one day confide in me. Even if it is a long way from now. I would support you wholeheartedly. Take care and don't be afraid chook x

Trying with all my might to resist the temptation to get in touch. I don't know why I suddenly have this compulsion, it is so strong. I have this sense that something is wrong, but you are not my concern. I wish I wasn't so caring. I will not reach out to you. I just miss how you could relate to me. God, I wish I had a mental eraser!!!

The urge to contact you is very strong today. I even composed a text and then made myself delete it. I wouldn't get the response I want (I don't even know what response I want anymore anyway!). I don't even feel teary or wobbly or down this morning. Perhaps it was the game yesterday. I think it was. The fact I didn't spot you there maybe. I'm starting to feel like a crazy person! Honestly it's actually quite funny. At least I can now laugh about stuff and gain a bit of perspective. I still miss you, as nutty as that is. You know what? I think 6 months, a year from now, you really will realise what you lost. I'm pretty certain of it. Either that or you will realise that you have been in denial about yourself. I've been shovelling snow off the drive this morning. I'm tired now. Did you get a lot of snow too? Are you watching the game on TV this afternoon? I need to get a grip.

I went to the game today T. I can't lie that I thought about you a lot there. I enjoyed the game despite it being so cold and having to wear 7 layers of clothes! I didn't want to bump into you if you were with someone, but in truth I had a secret desire to see you from a distance. I looked a few times over to the stand you sit in, but it was crowded and I couldn't see you. I feel kind of sad since I got home. But I'm glad I went. The more I go, the easier it will get. I do miss you and your sweet nature and I felt incredibly tempted to text you on my way home to ask what you thought of the match. Crazy really. But there it is. I won't beat myself up over it. I'm writing to you here instead. Thought I'd tell you that I fell in love with you. I'd have liked to have snuggled up to you in my coat today. Your hugs were so big and safe. I guess your hugs are not reserved for me anymore. I love you will all of my heart and wish I could go just one day without thinking of you. But if I can't for now, I will settle for letting you drift in and out of my thoughts and be thankful I knew you for a very short time. I hope one day you will be able to reach out to me. But I also hope that I will let go of that hope. I'm tired and full of cold, but looking out of the window I see a beautiful blanket of snow and realise that things are not so bad. I am lucky. I have a good family and I am safe. I am always here for you. I hope you never forget me. Night night xxx

I am scared that I will never find someone like you. You are not perfect but no-one is. But I felt we fit together so well. You were so special to me. Why are you 'sure I will find someone special'? You know what a great person I am and how special I am. Why didn't you want to spend more time with me if I am so wonderful? Maybe I really did scare you away. Life is a risk and love is a risk T. I took a risk and yes, quite a lot of the time lately I've wished I hadn't taken that risk with you. I wish I had held back just a little bit more. But deep down I'm glad I did take the risk, because I know I am capable of sharing myself with someone no matter how out of my comfort zone it is. I feel so sad that you couldn't try. I am confused because I thought you cared about me - did you? )-: I hope it was only fear that stopped you from loving me, because it is the only real explanation I have. But then why are you dating again? Do you hope that this time your fear will just disappear? I did all of the ground work. With all of my heart I let you know what a special person you are, I helped you see that you are attractive and desirable and I just can't get past the feeling that someone else will get the benefits of that. I feel angry because you let me go, you were a coward, you couldn't fully open up and let me in. I was very careful not to push things. You wait until you discover what a lot of women my age are like! You have a lot to learn - good luck!!! I loved you and it makes me sad that when I finally realised that I had fallen in love with you it was too late for me to tell you because it was so long after you dumped me. I just couldn't believe how quickly I fell for you because that is not me. I don't fall in love and I certainly never expected it to happen so quickly. I could never tell you now because what would be the point? I don't even want you anymore. I am past that, but I am not past the pain and I am not past my feelings for you. I wonder when I will be? I can't even wish you to be happy which is dreadful of me because I don't usually feel that way about people but I guess that shows you how much I had started to trust you. How can you just pretend I never existed? Are you devoid of feelings? Maybe you do really think about me sometimes. I know you well enough to know that you do. Why for example do you still have my phone number in your phone? Are you looking for someone because you are confused and you realise that actually you don't want to be on your own anymore? The fun part is the dating stage - no need to worry about commitments or giving up too much of your time - of course you are gonna love that. But then what? What will you do when it starts to get more serious? Run again? Don't hurt someone else too. I don't know why I feel so angry today. I do know. I'm going to the match tomorrow and looking forward to it and spending some time with my brother there, but I have this dreadful feeling I will spot you. You will be there and it's the match that season ticket holders can take someone for free. So there is a chance you will take someone. If you have a girl with you I know I will feel hurt and upset. And if you do I hope she is dull and unattractive. I cannot believe I'm being so childish - it's not me! I never thought I was the jealous type. But I do not want it to be easy for you. Remember early on when you asked me if I was fiery and passionate (because of my latin roots)? I joked that I was passionate about lots of things but no, not fiery. Well, I am more fiery and passionate than I thought! I am sorry to be so angry today but it had to come out. I will get over you.

I had a sexual dream about you last night )-: I was on a cruise ship and there were all of these hidden rooms and doors everywhere and I was lost. I went through one door and you were lying on a bed. Next thing I'm there too and you don't want to do anything with me, we're just lying side by side. Then things start to happen and it was so realistic. But we were kissing and it didn't actually feel that good. I still carried on. Then I woke up. I think I made myself wake up and I felt dreadful. I feel so confused. I guess I just feel starved of affection right now. I feel unwell and angry. Angry that you let me down. Angry that you don't care about me and I care about you. Angry that this is taking so flipping long to get through. I don't think being ill helps my state of mind at all. I hope you feel lonely because despite my kind, caring nature, I have gone through so much crap and you should have treasured me. I feel like I'm slipping backwards )-:

Twice in one day I'm writing to you. If that's what it takes to get me through for now, I'll do it. It really doesn't help that I'm not feeling well. I took the day off sick and just did about an hour's work on my laptop. I was thinking. You got unwell a lot. Another thing that made you like me. Silly, but I wondered if you were really quite an anxious person underneath and that made you get run-down. I know that's how I am. Just rambling now.......... It's five months since I heard your voice. It's funny, because you'd think in that space of time the memory of your voice would be fading. The problem is you had the sexiest voice - it made me feel attracted to you very quickly. I have always had a thing about voices and yours did it for me (-: You thought it was funny when I told you, because to you it was plain. You just didn't see it! I can hear it in my head right now. Despite your shyness and modesty and lack of confidence, you still had that Irish charm that bowled me over, damn you. I hope you're not using it on someone else tonight )-: I am still so hung up on you maybe being with someone else. I have won the battle of dreaming of you coming back and saying you made a mistake (that took me a few months - how embarrassing to fantasise about something that would never become a reality). But I have two other things to get over: 1) thinking about you with someone else and feeling upset about it 2) feeling like I will never meet someone as special again I guess at least one out of three is a start. No pressure on myself, just one step at a time. I feel unwell and I would love to have a strong, safe hug from a man who cares about me. I'm kind of tired of always functioning with little or no affection from anyone. Today is a bit rubbish. Onwards and upwards (-:

I dreamt I was kissing you last night - ugh! - I haven't had that type of dream about you for ages. It was very enjoyable but I felt unsettled when I woke up. I still have a bad throat )-: I don't want you (I've gone through too much pain this last few months) yet I still struggle with letting you go. I hope you haven't got a girlfriend yet. I don't want it to be easy for you. You wanted to know if I felt ready 'to try moving on'. I feel patronised actually. I know it's because you feel bad and you feel a little guilty for my pain. But what do you expect? You said things that made me feel I was special to you! Maybe I just have too high expectations of people but I never said anything to you I didn't mean. I was actually very careful about that. I know it was early days, I know you cared about me, but you also knew I was afraid and you weren't careful enough with your actions and messages and the things you said. I just will never understand how spectacularly things changed in such a short space of time. No girl will ever come close to me T. I think you will start to realise it. The sad thing is if you had realised it about 3 months ago, I'd have given it a go. I truly would. Because I felt you were running scared and apprehensive of what a relationship entails. I understood that because I'm that way too. I am so used to being on my own that it does frighten me. But I also know I do not want to always be on my own and that I was prepared to take a leap into the unknown. But now, now no. I know it wouldn' happen anyway, but even if it did it wouldn't be something I'd want. I have cried so many tears. I lost 10lb in weight that first month (it's back on now lol!) and I ended up with about 6 weeks of terrible anxiety and depression. I felt so empty I don't know how I managed to go to work every single day and just about function. I'm no longer in that place and am moving forward, but I've hit a plateau and I just can't fully let go, because you were so good to me and helped me in many ways.

I'm not well today - I have a throat that feels like I swallowed a box of razors. Considering I feel like crap and took the day off work sick I'm actually not an emotional wreck like I was when I was ill over Christmas. I spoke to my mum about some of how I've been feeling and how the counselling's been going. It isn't easy for me to talk to her about some things, even though in many ways we are close. I know she couldn't bear to see me so distressed a few months back and, although she genuinely thought you were lovely, she is a Mediterranean woman who would kill to protect her kids (even when they are fully grown adults lol!). But I had a really good chat with her today about how this has affected me and how strong my feelings were for you. It was a really positive conversation and I was even able to explain to her the exact reasons why it has been so incredibly hard for me to get over you. I think she finally understood. I hope I don't bump into you at the match on Saturday. I think overall I'm doing much better but I still get these waves of sadness wash over me at random points in the day. I wonder if you are with someone now? I should not care because I no longer want you. But I still can't quite cut the attachment I felt to you. It's like it's slowly breaking down, thread by thread and some of those threads are proving hard to let go of. What are you doing this evening? Are you at your sports club, playing a match? Are you on a date? Pffff. My thoughts are all over the place as usual. I miss your sense of humour, your sense of justice. Why are you emotionally unavailable? Is that something that another girl will be able to break down? O.k. I need to go get some hot lemon and honey and take a warm bath. I hope you sleep well, but have a few random dreams about a pretty, dark haired girl with a heart of gold and a cheeky sense of humour, who casts a spell over you (hehe, yes me! ;-)). Told you my thoughts are all over the place! I wish I could infiltrate your dreams just a little and make you wake up in the morning thinking 'what was that about?!' Well, it happens to me often enough.............

I had a really good weekend T. It was busy and fun and although you slipped in and out of my mind, as you always do, I felt pretty o.k. Had a big family gathering Sunday afternoon/evening and it's funny but it has set me back today. When I got into bed, I imagined how you would have fit into these occasions and you would have loved it - the banter, the conversations my family have about everything from religion to politics. My folks thought you were a lovely guy, but god how I wish you could have met my three brothers. I know they would have thought you were great and a good guy for their little sis (-: You'dhave felt truly at home and they would have welcomed you with open arms. My family are a big part of my life, as yours are. I thank you for not taking things further when you were doubtful - you are a guy with values that match mine - but I also feel you were cowardly to not take a bigger leap and try. Everyone has doubts, hon. I had loads, but only because I was apprehensive. I asked you when you dumped me to think about whether it was simply that you were not sure you could have a serious relationship (i.e. letting someone in after what you told me) or whether you were not sure about me. I think you came to the conclusion that you weren't sure about me. But deep down, you and I know it is more the former than the latter. Maybe I wasn't right for you - I never really got the chance to find out for sure. I know I have never in my life met someone whom I hit it off with so well, someone who thinks about stuff in the same way as me, cares passionately about the same things. There is more than one person out there for everyone, but honest to God, special people do not come along that often.