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took a nap in the middle of the day, woke up in the dark and started calling your name (quietly lol). I'm crazy--and no more daytime naps.

 

I really don't even like you. I just can't seem to cultivate that magical feeling with someone else right now. because they are all so different from me. you and i were so similar--and yet things did not work out. so i should really just allow myself to be vulnerable again but i am so sick of stupid idiot men who are incapable of being faithful in one way or another. i am a strong person with sexual desires but i don't need any supervision to remain faithful. I don't even feel like there is any point in getting married. I think about my first 'love' if you can even call him that--or I guess in that sense he is technically my second--and how he is engaged but I keep thinking about his gf who seems so happy. will they even be happy in 3 years when it's a real partnership and not just a young romance, even thats kind of over now for them. or in 10 years when he has a midlife crisis and starts cheating on her during business trips with call girls etc etc, seriously, I never thought the boys I knew would grow up to be the filthy creeps that i know their parents to be. it's all the same.

 

I just hope I am wrong, seriously. I hope the majority of people are like me and just want to share their lives with someone and enjoy things.

anyway--I am supposed to be writing to you--I don't know, I don't even have anything to say

part of me still wants to honor the commitment i made to you--It's crazy--this is when I have to do that thing where you change your thought patterns until your behavior changes too. it's working but you know, i wish i wouldn't have wasted a single day with dishonorable you. It's just nuts to me how much more integrity i have and always had when compared with you. I don't know why I ever pretended otherwise.

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loooool I just found another instance of you being super socially awkward online. Oh it makes me cringe.

you haven't learned to relax by now? anyway, I still found it endearing. But what am I doing, who cares...even if I'm not in love with you anymore, why am I stalking you? it's just become comforting to me. Next year, if I actually find the courage to really cut you out of my life I will be so proud.

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So darn sorry for making a mess of things. So very very darn sorry. I wish I could take it all back and just keep playing it cool with you. That was working and we were friends again. Now it's weird. I hope we can all play D&D like the old days and just have fun again, but I'm afraid we won't.

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PPS Next year will be a year filled with laughter and happiness.

No more tears! No more sick twisted feelings! No more emptiness.

God am I glad that's finally over.

 

Thanks alot for changing me for the better! You may not have realised it, but I'm glad everything happened. The pain really made me see the world differently. So thanks!

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I went to one of our favourite bars last night and bumped into quite a few of our mutual friends. The guy you used to live with about 10 years ago. And the married couple I last had drinks with when we were together, a few weeks before we broke up.

 

No-one mentioned you. I didn't mention you. It was odd, like you didn't exist and our relationship never happened. You're that thing in the corner of the room that no-one dare talk about! But this was our world, our social group before and during the time we were together and it's like you've disappeared in a way, at least to me. You're still friends with these people but not me any more - because we fell in love (at least I did!), broke up and now you're with somebody else. For some reason that takes a lot for me to get my head around.

 

So I hung out with the married couple for a few hours, everywhere was so busy and we got a taxi around the town, trying to find somewhere that didn't have an enormous queue! It was a fun night really. I woke up on the sofa at 7am and felt so lonely all over again.

 

This is just so weird - it's the same world I'm living in as it was before we got together. The same places, the same people. The days when you were just a friend. Except we now have this history, this relationship that happened between us. And I'll not know whether I will see you out or not. It will just happen by accident now. That's heartbreaking for some reason.

 

Maybe one day we can be friends again? Although I'm not sure because right now I feel like I will always love you. I can't be happy for you that you have somebody new. Whether your new relationship lasts or with someone else in the future, I can't imagine being indifferent or even pleased to see you put your arm around anybody else like you used to with me, or hear about all the fantastic adventures you're having with your girlfriend because I'll just wish you were doing those things with me again.

 

I feel a little bit stupid that I'm still hurting over you when you're with someone else, like I'm committing a sin by coveting somebody else's partner, haha! But at least I'm doing it privately. You know how I feel, or at least felt when we broke up. I did love and care for you like no other. I did make a few mistakes and I'm sorry. I am. But in a way my mistakes were related to you, to the way you held back. And each little disagreement led to you holding back more, and on and on it went. It all just went too far. It was silly really because there was something special there once.

 

So onwards I go. I'm gutted that I didn't make you happy at the end of the relationship because I loved you so much. I've learned some hard lessons. Accepting that the place I had in your life is now occupied by someone else already is taking time. But I will get there.

 

Take care of yourself.

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You have made a huge mistake getting back with your ex instead of being with me. You are the one who is 22 years older than myself yet I always thought I was more mature than you. This relationship with her will nor work out cause she will see how much of a coward you are. Your a compulsive liar I believed your lies. You have just let go off a woman who would loved you with all her heart, a polite and caring woman who your family loved to go back to someone that they did not like? well all I can say to you is I have made a lucky escape good bye and good luck cause when she dumps you you will not be getting me back.

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So I've finally taken the step of blocking you on fb. You will not believe how much that hurt. I've also taken steps to cancel my number so you can't contact me and tear me down again in reaction to blocking you.

I've been thinking about you soo very much recently and I can't keep hanging on. I've cried for the last 3 days. I need to let you go and I'm doing my best but struggling with it.

I still hope that one day you'll come back into my life but I need to make myself a priority now. I love you and always will. I want to be there for you but it's not my place any more. If you want me back in your life, then you'll find a way.

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I am beautiful.

I am strong.

I am loving.

I am generous.

I am intelligent.

I am caring.

 

I am a person who many people want to be around.

 

A person that attracts others.

 

I am a whole and complete person.

 

I don't need you to validate who I am.

 

You hurt me because I am a good person who loved you deeply and without condition. You did not feel the same for me. I accept this. As I breathe in and out I accept this. You are not the man I believed you to be.

 

Goodbye.

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I miss you *name.* I feel like I need to get it off my chest. I need you to tell me there isn't a chance in hell we'll get back together so I can really move on.

 

'I have actively been working to get over you for the last couple of months. A couple of weeks ago, when you said you wanted to see me, I was frightened it would mess up my recovery. It seems as though not seeing you has had that effect anyway. I think about you, I miss you.'

 

Guys - I really really want to send him a text. I have no idea exactly what I'd say. Something like what I've said above.

Edited by StrwberryWine
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Northpickle - what you wrote resonates so much with me. Hugs to you.

 

Dear T, I had a better day today. The lows are still there, but peppered with some more positive feelings. I went through the angry stage in October and I could feel myself returning there yesterday. I no longer want to go there, because I found it self-destructive feeling angry and it made me feel horrendous. Anger is something that does not come naturally to me.

 

I realise now that all my hopes for being friends were kind of crazy because I have not yet got over you. I am getting there but it is going to take longer than I thought. I don't want to see you with someone else. I did all the ground work for the next girl that comes along! I was so giving. I taught you so much, I held your hand, I boosted your self-confidence, I made you see that you are cute and attractive and have such a gorgeous voice. It took a long time for you to believe those things I said didn't it? I know your self-image was poor. Maybe it became a drug for you, this girl making you feel so good about yourself. And yes the same was true in reverse. You were my mirror image - I couldn't believe you found me beautiful and sexy. We understood each other, at least in terms of our lack of experience and how scary it all was. To the outside world, you and I are like anyone else, confident in the things we know, socially confident with plenty to say, lots of interests, but we both had this one part of our lives that had never been explored.

 

I still don't understand how a week before you dumped me you wanted to buy me that top at the match and I politely said no, it's o.k. And in the car you gave me that little newspaper article - I never got to ask you what it's meaning or significance was. You talked about us getting our picture taken together. Then when you said your feelings weren't strong enough and that it was not your intention to mislead me, I thought, then why do those things? I wasn't asking you to marry me, but I fell in love with you and you did encourage it. You did honey. And then you freaked out and went cold. I wonder if you will be honest with this new girl if it develops? I wonder if you'll be able to open up to her like you did with me. I don't think you will. You are running away from something and a new person will not make it go away. Whatever you were scared of you could have told me. But it is not for me to worry about you anymore. You will find in time that, sure, some girl will want to have a fling with you, but do you have the ability to get over that fear of emotional intimacy?

 

We were both so naive. I think I've learnt from that. I'm not sure you have. I don't think you really have a clue how women's brains work and I don't mean that to be unkind. We were out of our depth weren't we?

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I've had a lovely "girls' night in" with my little daughter, we ordered some takeaway food and watched a kids film on telly. It was great, I felt chilled out and happy. I put my daughter to bed and go to leave a review of the food delivery online - and I see your name there. You've reviewed it too a week or so ago. We did used to get food from there a lot together but just seeing your name again has set me back a little bit. I have a bit of a lump in my throat and I'm tired, so going to have an early night.

 

One day I know these little things won't hurt, I do know that. But now, just from seeing your name I miss our fun times and our conversations and connection again. Gah! Now "our" pizza place that we had all the in-jokes about is just any other pizza place and you might even have eaten from there with your new girlfriend. Life moves on I suppose.

 

I decided not to leave my review. But you probably wouldn't even give a jot if you saw my name. How did we ever get here? Horrible. Well, it is for me anyway.

 

Grrrrr...

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My dearest M,

 

It took a lot of strength for me to not reach out to you on christmas. You didn't either. This was the first holidays in 4 years that we didn't even talk, and it is the hardest thing for me. I wonder how you are. Are you truly happy?

 

I miss you... and i love you. i always did, inspite the heartaches.

 

I hope you are well.

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