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had a glimmer of hope.....

 

i thought of this while pathetically hugging a pillow in bed, feeling like the pillow was a big question mark, like who is going to be the person who is going to sleep next to me every night?

 

i really realized I can't be only caring, loyal, attractive lol, intelligent and well educated person out there. so although I feel lost and wondering where my ideal partner is, there must be someone else out there feeling exactly the same way.

 

I'm going to find you!!! my real love--I don't want to sit around crying about all the horrible things that happened in the past when I could be trying to find you. if you're feeling as lonely as I am, then I really need to find you.

 

it's actually pretty romantic. after all this heartache and all the other horrible things--I will finally feel at peace. anyway so corny but maybe i'll write a letter

 

dear future true love--

 

i am in love with you. I am going to treat you so incredibly well and make sure that we have a healthy and balanced relationship. we are so lucky to have found each other. You can count on me no matter what and I can't even express how grateful I am to be able to say the same of you. squeeeeeeze You're the best. i'm going to cuddle you and kiss you everywhere and everyone is going to be grossed out by how in love we are. yay. i got to know you and I just knew I could trust in our love. you're a good person and I am so honored to be yours.

.

and you'll smell delicious, and your skin will be soft and your eyes will be warm. we'll be great together--I want you to be ready so that it can work out.

 

One thing I know is that I'll never try to force things to right when they just aren't. I just have to keep my eyes open for that person who chooses me just as much I choose them.

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I dreamt about you last night. What is it with these dreams?! I dreamt that you passed me in a corridor and you were holding a rugby ball. You couldn't make eye contact. I kind of rugby tackled you as you tried to escape (funny I know!) and I ripped the ball off of you. You then relaxed and held onto me and we were hugging, but there were three of us hugging: you, me and another man. I think it was your father. It was strange because you wanted to be held. I woke up in tears.

 

I took my parents for lunch today as it was something to do and thought it would be nice and also take my mind off how horrendous I've felt this last two days. I cried in the bathroom this morning. I took them to the place where we had our first date. Not out of choice, but because they suggested it and I couldn't say 'no I'm not going there because it reminds me of T and our first date'. I know they would think I was nuts! It's weird but without realising it, I've avoided going there since you dumped me and yet I used to go there all of the time. I had chicken caesar salad - yep, the same thing I had when we met that first time. I sat there today and all I could think of was how fab that first date there was. How we instantly clicked and talked for 5 hours about anything and everything. It was hard sitting there today because my eyes stung with tears and I felt ridiculous about it really.

 

I wonder how your NYE went. I would be surprised if I didn't pass through your mind at all seeing as you experienced so many things for the first time this year with me and you told me it meant a great deal to you. I know you only think of me with fondness (o.k. and maybe a little irritation that I contacted you a few times recently!).

 

I was your angel delight (amongst other names!) and no-one can take that away from me x

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I miss you so much it's killing me. I'm stuck. I can't get over the fact that you left our two and a half year relationship, and went directly into another one. I can't stop thinking about you with another guy. You have deeply hurt and humiliated me. I'm still in shock just from loosing the person I loved so much for so long ...still in love with you... But you've shown me just how much you appreciated all of my support, love, kindness, generosity and everything else. I helped you in SO many ways, and you seem to not even remember. You dumped me and said it was because you "needed more". Well maybe you should just stop and remember how much I have been giving, a stop expecting "more"!

 

Knowing you are now so over me, so unconcerned with me, so willing to be so careless at such a delicate time with me, just makes me hurt in a way that can't be explained. I feel like you gave me a serious disease, and you don't even care! I want to hate you, but I can't. All of my hurting and pining are driving me out of my mind, and you know nothing of what I'm going through. You are blissfully on your way, getting high on a new romance. I hope your rebound falls apart in a messy, ugly way, soon, and that you suddenly understand how good I was to you. I want you to miss me as much as I miss you. My deepest fear is that your rebound is wonderful and reaffirming that dumping was the best thing in the world. I know for a fact that I am a great guy and a great partner. I've been brutally honest with myself, and accept that our break up was both our fault. But it's not fair that you can walk away so suddenly, treat me like this, AND find love within days. I'm left here hurt, dejected, confused, betrayed, and full of anger.

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Really really unhappy and sad tonight. I just don't understand you at all. How are you this cold, cruel person who once loved me so much..I don't get it. I don't want to go back there and be so alone again. I really really don't. I want to stay at home. It makes me feel better. I don't care if it's a step backwards moving back home with parents..if it helps me get myself back again then that's what it's gonna take. I can't believe you're willing to let me go for good. What the hell is it you're not ready for? If there is someone else I just want you to tell me. I never ever would have thought that was remotely true but now, it's the only thing I can think of.

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I miss you so much it hurts. I miss your touch and your laugh, the way you walked, your smell, your humour, your affection but mostly I miss the way you made me feel. You always said you'd never find anyone with the same chemistry and connection that we did. Which begs the question... why did you give up? You told me I was your soulmate, that I was like a drug you couldn't be without. We had the most amazing sex life. Was it just lust for you? Was everything you said a lie?

The way you broke up with me has shown your maturity and lack of respect for me as a person. I think I know why you couldn't see me. In the past you said you would see me and would realise you can't be without me. Except when you saw me a week after we split, you were horrible. You were hurtful, you didn't care about my feelings and how much not being with you was hurting me. You were upset too, I know you were. I'm reflecting a lot on our relationship and despite our problems I think we could have made it work. I only wish I could tell you, to have another chance to make things right. I never will. I'll never forget you and the love we shared. The only guy I have ever truly loved.

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I'm sitting at the bus station getting ready to go home. Last time I was here, I broke our no-contact. It had been long enough, and I figured we were ready to see what happens next. Man, was I wrong! I want to contact you again and endlessly chat like we did last time, but I figure we can't anymore. Now I have to wait for your contact, if that'll ever happen again. Sorry again for ruining our friendship. We were always such good friends, that I regret dating you because of what it cost us.

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I signed up to the dating site a few days ago. I finally looked at it today and I just can't do it. Looking at it makes me feel ill and I don't want to meet anyone else. I feel distraught. Why is this so hard and yet you don't love me? I'm going to cancel the sub tomorrow because I don't feel ready. I feel like I'll never feel ready and none of my family or friends have any idea how wretched I feel. I wish I hadn't let you in. I feel horrendous.

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you are a sad excuse for a man. actually, you are a sad excuse for a human being. we are both going through a tough time right now, and we could both use a professional to talk to. why don't you get off your high horse and admit you need help being a better father. stop focusing on me, and start focusing on her. start looking for a job so you can help support her, you useless piece of sh*t. start putting all the energy you put into harassing me into finding work. stop choosing which parts of the court order to follow and which to not follow. a court order is a court order!

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I am having some feelings of anger today. Today is the beginning of day 3 of no contact. Last time we spoke you told me that we would absolutely keep in contact and eventually see each other again. I wonder if the "stay in contact" means by my doing? If so, it is not going to happen. You let me go to work on yourself and if you want me in your life or ever want me back, it has to be by your doing, your fight, and your will. I hope you come around. I can't expect you to stay in contact with me every day because I know we both need time to ourselves, just like you said. I guess time will only tell.

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I finally deleted the last of our photos from Facebook. I don't know how you can live with yourself. I don't know how she can live with herself. How can people be so entirely selfish? Am I really that insignificant? Was I really just a road bump on your journey to happily ever after?

 

What the hell are you going to tell your kids? "Oh, we dated for a few months, then she broke my heart, and I dated this other girl for a year, but then I left her for your mom." Yeah, that's romantic.

 

I had this dream last night where you begged to have me back. My mind conjured you up so perfectly, everything about you, little details I had forgotten: your face, your voice, your accent, your kiss...

 

Why am I still having dreams like this? When will they stop?

 

I read this in a book yesterday, and it reminded me of you:

 

"In public she was lovely to look at and charming to talk to. In private she fell into sulks or threw tantrums when she didn't get exactly what she wanted the instant she wanted it. She expected all attention, always, to focus on her. Her feelings were easily hurt, but she had no regard for anyone else's. She was unkind to family and friends, abusive to servants, and fell into hysterics when anyone tried to soften her temper or language."

 

You are a spoiled brat of a man. And while I might not hate you after everything you've done to me, I hate that you rejected me and are enjoying the love and attention of your first love, your fiancee, your soul mate.

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Why am I still having dreams like this? When will they stop?

 

I'm also in the messed-up dreams club. I had an awful one last night. You were lying in my bed, holding me close, saying you were sorry you ever let me go and that you would love me forever. It was terrible because it was so false, you were never that romantic with me for starters, you rarely even stayed in my bed, and I know you will never come back. And when I opened my eyes it was the same scene, the same bedroom that I had dreamed about, except that you obviously weren't there and I was alone.

 

And for crying out loud, you're with somebody else...and you said you couldn't speak to me any more "in order to move on"...you cut me off like a dead limb...

 

I suppose it doesn't matter how madly in love with you I was if you didn't feel the same way, but I just want this pain to stop. It's getting easier but it's still very hard! How does that make sense? I can't imagine meeting anyone like you again even though we weren't perfect together. I miss so much about us, even when we were just friends, I miss that bond.

 

I'm still so sad at everything that has happened, still bewildered that you're with someone else already and still extremely hurt that it went from complete emotional honesty to coldness on your behalf. You either lied about your feelings after breaking up with me or your defense mechanism is to shut people off.

 

Four months on, I don't relive our relationship constantly but every now and then I get a memory twang and it's like a stab through the heart. I was looking at some old photos of our town on Flickr photosets today (as I'm into my local history) and, lo and behold and unexpectedly, there was a picture of your street from many years ago. A street I haven't been down for four months...my first stupid thought was "Oh, I'll send you the link, you'd love this!" and then, a second later, I remembered we're not in touch...and then I just looked at the picture and recalled the hundreds of times I walked down there with you...then I quickly closed the link...

 

So, it's nearly a month since you said you couldn't be in touch. And I'm mainly doing OK. But I still can't help but feel that I've lost something special, even if we were only destined to be friends. I do miss you a lot and part of me understands why you can't be in touch. But another part of me is angry at the way you said that, and how you were happy to keep in touch until it suited you.

 

I'm ranting again, I'm just letting my emotions out I suppose. It helps. I just thought we had something special but you wanted to take it slow. I was fooling myself.

 

And I still feel like I have left things unsaid to you. But there will probably never be a time to do that or a point to it either.

 

Arrgghh! Go away!

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I really miss you today

I had / have food poisoning that started last night and I feel really ill, weak and emotional

I know you would have looked after me if we were still together

Oh god Im never going to find someone like you am I? You were too lovely to me, and you must have got sick of it in the end.

I wonder if you still think about all tose millions of little things only we found funny, all the little jokes, stories, random texts.

You probably dont, thats the sad part

Enjoy your new life with her

 

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Tonight is going to be very hard for me. It is your company's holiday party, the party I went with you to for the last 2 years. But, as hard as it is, I'm not going to contact you. I wonder if you are going to do anything with anyone. I wonder if you are going to meet anyone. I wonder what pictures are going to pop up online. Maybe I'm making a big deal about it for no reason. I went to the gym today and saw this really hot guy. I imagined myself with him and it kind of scared me. I was scared that I may end up with someone else and not you. If that happens, it is your loss. I'm confused. I'm a good catch. I've got my head on straight and I have a lot of ambitions and goals. I know what I want in life. I'm a good person. I'm attractive and I'm nice and caring. You need to get it together because if not, you will regret losing me.

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