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I saw a movie today and started thinking about you and all these weird emotions came back thinking how could you leave me for someone who you swore up and down wasn't your type and now you are with her? I thought I was over you but apparently I was wrong. Argh!

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I am missing you so very much at the moment. I don't know why but it has really hit me these last few days. I just wanna reach out to you but am so scared to with the way you have been towards me these last couple of months. Every day it takes all the strength I have not to get in touch. To just leave you to your new relationship. I am trying so very hard to get on with my life and leave you to yours. I wish I knew what to do???????

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I'm trying so hard to stay positive but I feel like I'm wading through treacle.

 

I thought a new year would mean I'd feel a little better, but it feels just as bad. I want you to struggle to find someone and I don't like myself for thinking this way (it is not me). Please, at the very least, let this girl you've seen NOT be right for you. It's too soon. I hope when you go out with her that she doesn't connect with you in that way I did. I hope it makes you realise how fantastic I was and how silly you were to push me away just because I showed a little insecurity and your own insecurities made you too afraid.

 

I helped you so much to overcome so many things and I want you to truly appreciate what I did for you. I think deep down you do.

 

Some insane part of me still wonders if we could be friends at some point in the future. What is wrong with me? Why can't I let you go?

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So you answered my email. What do I think? You are pretty messed up, not kind, then kind. Always excuses and more lies! You lie to convince yourself as much as anyone else. We are not compatible, I am honest, you are not. I caught you out, you did not expect it. What is for sure, is that you are mainly only interested in what you can get.

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I was just looking through the photos of our first trip abroad. You seemed happy and I do believe that we made a good couple. Am sad that you decided to give up early just based on the fact that we fight a lot. I did make mistakes, so did you. I was ready to talk about it because all I had in my mind was to love you even more and to make us work. May be its your past of giving up so easily on a relationship (given that while you are 28, you had just two 4 month relationships in your complete adult life) or may be its because you said you were searching for a partner who never fight with you (you said that there were "plenty" of couples around you who NEVER fight), I wish I could make your realize that what you are going after, doesn't exist. But alas, whatever I tell you now, would just sound like excuses to you.

 

Are you thinking about me as well? Dont you have any feelings when (and if) you go through our pics. Didn't we look happy together? I am starting to move on. I hope that if you are gonna come back, you would do that soon. Else, don't come back at all.

 

I am sad that I could not make you stay with me. Well, I guess even this happened for a reason. May be it would make our relationship come back and be stronger than ever. May be it would make us meet even better people who would actually fulfill our desires. May be.

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Am sad that you decided to give up early just based on the fact that we fight a lot. I did make mistakes, so did you. I was ready to talk about it because all I had in my mind was to love you even more and to make us work. May be its your past of giving up so easily on a relationship (given that while you are 28, you had just two 4 month relationships in your complete adult life) or may be its because you said you were searching for a partner who never fight with you (you said that there were "plenty" of couples around you who NEVER fight), I wish I could make your realize that what you are going after, doesn't exist. But alas, whatever I tell you now, would just sound like excuses to you.

 

I went through this. So, so frustrating. His sister claimed that she never argued with her boyfriend, so he thought that if we were "meant to be," we'd never fight. Instead of trying to work things out, he'd just claim it was another reason why we shouldn't be together. It makes me want to throw every fairytale and chick flick into a big pile and burn them.

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God, you're lame. Why aren't we chatting until the wee hours of the night anymore? Quit being a dork. You're doing projects that we were supposed to be talking about. I'm about to start on mine. We need to be feedbacking each other like the old days. This sucks. Talk to me. TALK TO ME.

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"In public she was lovely to look at and charming to talk to. In private she fell into sulks or threw tantrums when she didn't get exactly what she wanted the instant she wanted it. She expected all attention, always, to focus on her. Her feelings were easily hurt, but she had no regard for anyone else's. She was unkind to family and friends, abusive to servants, and fell into hysterics when anyone tried to soften her temper or language."

 

I guess you are talkin about my ex. You must be, because she, oh so well fits into this description.

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I don't know why I care about you quite so much? In my counselling sessions we've been exploring a lot of stuff. I know I felt I could be totally myself with you. I never tried to be anything - just me. That felt amazing. I felt I could tell you anything. I know I saw a lot of myself in you and I think that is why I'm finding it so hard to let you go.

 

I still miss you but I know I will probably never see you again.

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At this point in time, I still have random thoughts about you jumping up daily. Just random memories from the past 2 years.

 

You must have meant a lot to me. Every time I see a beautiful girl on the street, I compare her to you. Every time I see a girl on TV, I think about you. It just automatically happens.

 

However, I don't have that attraction towards you anymore... but I guess I was too used to having you in my life, so I can't help but think about you.

 

I'm certain that I've moved on and I'd just like to say...I hope you have moved on too and not waste time thinking about me haha.

 

Bye! Maybe we can catch up sometime haha. See how you're going with school

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well I'm done getting all emotional over this....although I'm battling a residual anger flare up at the moment. awesome, just awesome. I still try to pretend I'm above any kind of confrontation or expose but maybe I'm just a coward. I hate confrontations--and I avoid any thing that entails risk. This is depressing.

 

but I don't feel much of anything--which is a big change. It feels buried, really deep.

Is it possible to push it all under the surface? The tiniest tiniest little fragment of my heart still doesn't want to let go--kind of like a really dense ball of energy that is about set off a big explosion. I can pack my feelings ever tighter but there they remain, just as heavy as before.

 

it's my disillusionment compressed so much I thought it didn't exist anymore but I am still almost paralyzingly disgusted

 

because I know I can't change you. I can't make you see how absurdly you treated me from beginning to end.

 

every time I say I'm going to stop thinking about this I mean it but my mind just can't let it go

I know why now--it's because I believed in you--I actually did.

I am finding out more and more that absolutely everything I think is wrong. I never trust my own judgment on anything anymore--in fact I try to do the opposite of what my gut instinct is now most of the time. So that means now I'm going to realize that I shouldn't have believed in you at all--and realize the truth. I'm going to take your word for everything that happened.

 

congratulations--in the name of aiming for the truth, I'm going to believe the most outrageous thing of all--that everything you said--about your ambivalence, about your new life--at least from what little I know of it--no what if's from my old wounded self--

 

sometimes I feel like it's all very sick, like I'm going to anger the gods or something by denying something so powerful but again--I'm going to pry those doubting leeches off my brain so I can think clearly

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I just can't believe you are pursuing someone else when you know you have a problem with emotional intimacy. You told me that 'it is not something I am going to overcome in the short term'. Your words, not mine. Just trying to repeat the same thing with someone else won't magically make your problems go away hon. I'm not saying I could have either (although I would have been well placed to help you through ANYTHING if you had let me). If you could not let me get close emotionally, I'm telling you it won't be easier with anyone else. You thought I was amazing, lovely, I was your angel delight, cebollita, darling, even once a princess. I have issues too, but I'm trying so hard with a counsellor to deal with them. I know it's going to be a long haul and that my problems won't disappear overnight. You helped me so much with a lot of stuff, and for that I am grateful. But you let me down. You said to me when things went further "it's o.k. we know each other well, you know you can trust me". I was heading somewhere which for certain reasons was incredibly scary for me and I did trust you. I know you didn't mean to let me down. But why couldn't you have been open with me? I was open with you. I know how much you thought of me and how much fun we had. I accept that at that point you were not yet 'in love' but I think you had certain feelings for me, or else why with the affectionate names, the xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx messages late at night, the things you said to me?

 

I find I have a few hours where I start to feel stronger and then I get these waves of feeling so sad. I wish I could detach my emotions.

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I'm sorry I cheated on you. I've been going to counseling and I don't understand why you want to get back together after what i did - you deserve better. You're a very pretty girl with a great job/education, you can have any other guy.

 

FYI, your best friend asked me out and I don't know what to say.

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Hey,

 

It's me again. I texted you for the last time before new year and you replied after new year. I gave it a read then, I quickly deleted it. It was too late for you to do that. Because the channel has all closed down. I'm going to make 2012 as a year that I'll move to another country. Far away from our memories, far away from everything I've had.

 

I want to start over somewhere new.

 

I hope that you'd understand the reason why. I'm doing this for my own sake. Love is out there somewhere. I am going to fall in love with someone great someday, I knew it. I just needed to find a place that I could do that.

 

I can't do that amidst of your memories haunting me. I tried and failed. I kept coming back to you.

 

I told you that we will never see each other again. I meant it. Instead of leaving the door half opened, I kept it shut. I am keeping it shut. So, 2012 will be my new beginning. And my new self deserves a great love. The love of my life!

 

I think you can stop checking my blog. I am posting only techie stuff. There is really nothing about you nor my whereabouts would be posted there.

 

Like I said before, I will always miss you. I've stopped going through your tweets and your what-ever-existence-you-have-online.

 

And I have started stopping from smoking. For 8 years, I've smoked my lungs to pieces. This is the year that I'll start cleaning it up!

 

Yes, M, I am taking this new year very seriously. While the world might not end this year, some parts of me had ended this year. That part includes you in it. You no longer exist in my life.

 

Thank you for the reply. Take care and goodbye.

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Oh my fcking god, oh dear... help me!

I decided to add your friend as my friend on facebook and forgot that I unblocked you and you are.. all over the place!!!

I'm not going to read all of it but damnt.... I'm freaking out... Kind of short of breath.... don't want to hyperventilate but...

I've been doing so well you know.

I'm wanted by men. They flirt with me all the time....

On new year's eve some guy even proposed to me ( as a joke, he was clearly drunk)...

I just.. oh god... I've opened pandora's box?

I'm clearly not over you though I thought I was...

It's just.. you... you are there... you posted such a lot of comments and....

I texted you ... a blank message because... now I know...

Now I finally get you after all this time!

I get how you felt... I get the fact that.... you wasn't as in love with me as I was with you...

 

I understand now... but still...

I'm * * * * ing freaking out right now...

I haven't been to this website for ages which I think is a good sign and now...

It's the only thing I can go to to let it all out because..

 

FOR * * * * 'S SAKE!!!!! I STILL HAVE THIS * * * * ING WEAKNESS FOR YOU

 

I can't I can't I can't.... But should I unfriend him again after a few seconds? Maybe I... I don't know... Maybe I could...

nah if I block you now you would notice wouldn't you..

 

I don't want you to think that I'm still into you.. I'm not I'm just.....

Not 100% over you, I never will...

 

I really never will.....

 

DAWRRRR

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Five years we were together.

I thought that we were perfect for each other.

You were the best person I had ever met.

You meant the world to me.

You were my Son's best friend... remember him?

My autistic Son.

Who lost his Grandad a few months ago.

Who's Dad disappeared from his life in October.

Who now has to deal with the loss of his best friend.

And a heartbroken Mother.

Because yes, I am heartbroken.

The first couple of weeks after you left, I had to take diazepam just to be able to stop shaking and twitching and crying.

I was almost admitted into hospital with depression.

Now it's almost two months since you left.

I still cry, every day.

I still miss you such a lot.

I don't understand what went wrong.

We didn't have bad times.

It was always special.

We were good to each other, you and I.

So similar.

But here I am without you.

And you have wiped us out of your life so easily.

You're not hurting.

You say that you hardly even think about me anymore.

You said that it was all my fault.

But you had no real reasons.

How is it my fault, if - as you went on to say - the relationship had just run it's course?

You want to be my friend.

But you don't want to talk to me.

You answer coldly when I email you.

You don't ask how I am, or how my Son is.

You didn't wish me a happy Birthday.

I thought "maybe he will miss me at Christmas, and want me back".

You didn't.

I thought "maybe he will miss me at new years, and want me back".

You didn't.

My life is an isolated one, as a carer.

But I have plans to change that.

You would be proud of me, if you still cared.

I am starting a course on raising self esteem this month.

I am looking into further education.

Voluntary work.

I joined a carers group.

I WILL build a new life for myself.

I will become a stronger person.

I will get over you, in time.

I will be happy again.

 

You could have helped.

You could have made this easier on us, if you'd just been nicer about things.

If there was just a hint of warmth in your replies to me.

I would feel as though I had meant something to you for those years that we were together.

Instead of having to realise now that you were only playing at being in a relationship.

Because, despite your age - mid 30's - you had never been in one before.

 

I don't think that you will ever find another woman, as patient and loving and kind hearted as me.

Who could always make you laugh.

Who never wanted anything from you but your love.

 

But I will love again.

I will.

 

S.

 

(Sorry for the looooooong post, just a lot of stuff that needed to jump out of my head and onto this page. Maybe it will stay here now!)

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Its taking everything i have to not blow up at you right now.. I feel angry so angry! The time we spent together ment nothing. I ended it because you wouldnt stop looking for something better.. told you please stop its hurting me.. you ignored me. I then expressed how much it is hurting us.. a whole conversation down the phone which i thought you finally understood but no! Because once i hang up you finish your little search. So i ended it because quite simple i deserve more.. and your looking again.. this is hurting.. it ended 5 hours ago.. oh my god it ended 5 hours ago and your out there looking.. my god you just did not have any feelings for me did you.........................................................

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What a funny day today T. I've had a couple of really good patches today when I felt more positive than I have in ages. I could FEEL it. I felt lighter, less weighed down. But then all of a sudden I feel sad and fatigued. I'm going to try and take comfort from every tiny step in the right direction. I don't know why I'm telling you this. I wonder how you are feeling right now?

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3 months gone, not forgotten. I do wonder about the 10:45pm email on 12/31 I received from you wishing me a happy new year - why did you bother? Did you think I wanted to hear anything from you - did you think I was going to say "Oh honey, happy new year! I'm happy you are undoubtedly drunkenly whoring yourself out and breaking all your promises of the last year"?

 

The good news is that I've found a beautiful, sexy woman, 1 year my junior, who treats me like I want to be treated - the way you did initially. Yet with her there is none of the drama, mood swings, self centered behaviour. She is focused on her life and where she is going, has long term friends whom she is loyal to and no history of jumping from guy to guy. All the qualities I wished you had decided to undertake, which you led me to believe you had. If only you had been the woman you claimed to be and not the little girl you turned out to be. I spent all this time wishing for you to change your mind, yet I had no clue I was persuing the wrong solution to my problem.

 

I promised to always love you, it was your choice to stomp that fire out. I hope you never regret your behaviour in the final months of our relationship, nor your decision to leave. For if you were to return you would find that I've moved on. It would be hard for me to tell you no - even though, ultimately, it was your choice. I would still feel guilty, almost as if I was the one doing the betraying. I never dreamed I would feel this way - especially so soon after the break up - but my life is better without you. When I was in a stage of heartbreak, I conveniently forgot that your terrible behaviour near the end of our relationship was a part of who you are and only focused on that sweet, loving girl that I met back in February. Your behaviour with me was typical of all your relationships - even on your Facebook timeline it is obvious your feelings with me mirrored the exact same pattern as they did with your ex.

 

Maybe our relationship was badly timed, maybe it was just never going to happen in the long run. But I'm done thinking about it. You'll always hold a place in my heart. I really hope you find what you're looking for. When you do, take care of it, don't be careless and self centered again.

 

Best Wishes for 2012,

J

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I've sat here for a while this evening wondering what I want to say to you, I don't really know. I'm using this thread to talk to myself as much as I am to you! I just have a lot of thoughts going on and it will help to write them down, despite me not really having much of a structure.

 

I'm doing OK, y'know? I've had a reasonably good week and I'm using the New Year as a starting point for that. I'm still worried about my grandad but he's still with us and will hopefully be out of hospital next week.

 

A few situations have popped up at work that have really made me think about life in general, and what we take for granted. I can't go into any details here but the work I am now doing is so fulfilling at times and is really opening my eyes. I don't think about you much while I'm there either. Although I do sometimes wish I could chat to you about it. You're one of the few people I have ever met who seemed to be so much on the same page as me. I suppose that's one of the reasons we were so attracted to each other, at least in the beginning.

 

The streets I walk down every day still remind me of you a lot - I'm still trying to work out exactly why that is. Maybe it's my personality or the way my brain works, I seem to have attached memories of "us" and "you" to places I see every day, even really silly and mundane memories as well as the more exciting and important ones. It doesn't really hurt now. But the memories and thoughts of you are still there and are still taking up a lot of my time, though this is lessening. I'm surprised how much of our relationship I can remember, it's actually quite frightening. You made a massive impact on my life, more than anybody else I have ever met.

 

When I walk down my street the over-riding memory now is those first few weeks of us being together, when you would drop me back home in your car at 7am in the morning before work after spending crazy "drunk in love" nights together. It's the exciting "honeymoon" times that are taking the longest to get over. Yet as I closed my bedroom curtains this evening I did look down at the road, where you used to park your car, and couldn't help but get a bit sad that you'll never come and see me again.

 

Yet I don't want to be all wistful and romantic, I wasn't truly happy with you although you are a wonderful person in a lot of ways, yet difficult in others. You were far too closed off. But you are like that with everyone, as far as I could see. I don't think you are as happy with yourself as you like to make out. You always seemed to have goals in your personal and professional life, goals which I would always support, but these goals sometimes seemed to be all you were about. Like you couldn't just be "you"...I'm not sure...

 

I'm still a bit upset over that last email you sent me too. And the fact that you most probably didn't read my reply. That's nearly a month ago now. I never asked for you back, completely left you alone and only replied and contacted you when you initiated. And then WHAM! Goodbye "Northpickle - the part of my life I thought I could never fill". Pah!

 

It's just incredibly sad that it ended like this and you found somebody else so quickly. Especially when i think about how we got together, "admirers from afar" for years and you were single all that time...it seemed so cute! And I don't know how long you've known this new girl, how you met her, whether you knew her before we split up...ugh...

 

I could go on but I won't, I've said enough tonight. I miss holding your hand, the good times, your smile, your voice, your company and the many many in-jokes. You've lost yourself a good one, sweetheart. Goodbye x

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