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I made it through Christmas without you. I had been alright, not ok, just merely alright before this break from work and school. I had been so busy with the new job and the piles of homework and exams that i was able to keep you out of mind for hours at a time. Now i sit at home with my stomach in knots. I want this to get easier soon, I don't want to feel like you still around me. I hate thinking whether or not you are thinking about me. Sometimes I want to drive by your place, just to pretend its not over and it was all a bad dream. Its been over a month now since I last heard from you and it takes everything in me not send you a text. You seem happier without me, i've seen the pictures of you with your friends, it seems like i only held you back. I don't know what to do with all this time i have, it seems incredibly difficult to cope with my own thoughts. I did so well not to let it get to me. I don't want to mess up and call you, i want to hang on to whatever shred of dignity I have left. I still love you, but I know you only used me.

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I know I made some mistakes too, and I'm not saying we should start again, but hope you know that I loved you, and have done for a long time. I think one of my mistakes was not telling you much sooner. I sabotaged things - I am a prize idiot too. I don't want to live this way any more.


here here


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Im feeling VERY happy right now.

While I was doing NC, I made progress in moving on. But, at some point, I felt like there was a huge invisible boulder in my way.


Last night, I told myself that I release my ex with love in my heart. That I will stop worrying about him and controlling him with my thoughts, worrying about what HE is doing and with who. And after I did that, my boulder crumbled. I know that my breakthrough is around the corner!

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I am sat here looking out at the garden of love as we called it ...and all of a sudden one of the ringed dove pigeons landed on the arch ..followed by his mate ....then would you believe it ..the two big wood pigeons landed on the fence ...they are back ...I have lots of food out , robin has been feeding every day and sammy the squirrel has all but moved in.


these are the simple things that brought us joy , we didn't need money , we seldom went anywhere , but we where happy .... I could go round every pot and basket in the garden and say exactly where we bought them , when we got the flowers , when we planted the seeds ...I can see you turning to me in the garden and laughing .....


remember that morning you woke me , and led me by the hand out to the garden to see the sunrise ..we stood like a pair of lemons with our arms around each other just smiling at the sky ....


my god how can I move on from that ...what we had was...beautiful ..you revelled in what the universe gave us as much as I did ...


please ..please ...get better ,please try .....


I wish you peace and love xxxxxx

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I just realized that it's been 2 months today!

I think you did it on purpose and broke up with me on Oct 28th, since it's a memorial day here and it is a holiday, so that I will always remember that day... Anyway...

The first month anniversary was awful, the second one is really fine, I am going to have a really good time and fun the following days, I know that. I know that because I decided to have fun and be happy for what I have in my life and for the things that will come. I really wish you to do the same, you seem to have messed up your life more than you did with my life.

I don't know why other people wish you Good Luck on Facebook, you probably need it, so good luck to whatever you are up to.

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I keep having this dreams about you, over and over again!. Why!!!? Why is it that after 4 months and the fact that you're happy already with somebody else not helping me snap-out of this dream called life. I mean, the hope of you coming back are as low as my chances of me winning the lottery, but I still can't forget about the whole thing. I know it will be impossible for me to forget about you in 4 months after spending 5 years together, but how could you??

Letting go is hard, but I'm getting there, I will get there, that I can promise.


I hope everything is going well with you, and that you get and got what you wanted. Because right now it's your time, tomorrow it will be mine.

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Dear Ex,


One day all this shall pass.


One day I will reheat my coffee in the microwave and won't be reminded of all the passion and effort I put into cooking dinner for you.


One day I will walk down my street and won't be reminded of how you used to pick me up and drop me off in your car.


One day I will snuggle down on my sofa and won't be reminded of all the passion we used to have there and how it gradually faded - and the last time you laid on it you just fell asleep without touching me.


One day I will choose my clothes for the day, go to bed at night, go to work, have a bath - anything! - without thinking of you.


One day I will realise that everything I have gone through was for a greater purpose, I loved you so deeply and I've cried a lot today. I'm stuck between feeling helpless that all this has happened and a fool for letting this happen to me. I completely let you take control of my emotions. I thought you were "it" - the "one" and all that parlava. Ugh. I can still remember 95% of every time we spent together - you meant that much...that's really weird. The guy I spent 5 years with before you I doubt if I can remember 10%....

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I can't believe you didn't have the decency to even say goodbye. I'm surrounded by packing boxes in my little flat, doing it all by myself, god knows how i'm going to get all my stuff accross the country to my mums... you were supposed to be helping me. You were supposed to be loving and supportive of my move overseas, you were supposed to be proud of me (as you said you were)... but you disappeared, vanished, didn't even have the decency or respect to tell me why or wish me well. I hate you for that, but thankfully the excitement about my move overseas is beginning to outweigh the pain... and everyone else I know is 100% behind me on it. They've been brilliant and unbelievably supportive. I've got over 50 people coming to my leaving party so far... they all care, and will be there for me no matter what. I wish you had been man enough to do the same. After everything I supported you through i can't comprehend how you could be so blatantly heartless and cowardly.



It's not hard to say goodbye, it's not hard to even just send me an email to say sorry, why you did it, or even just to wish me all the best...


Anyway, thank you, in a way, for doing this, as it make it abundantly clear what a complete [email protected] head you are.


I don't need your support and I am VERY glad that I have been strong enough not to send the goodbye email I had written to you. You don't deserve it. I hope to goodness i stay so strong until I leave and start my new life overseas.


It's your birthday next week and maybe you're expecting a text from me (or maybe you're not at all) but you won't get one. I've done enough reaching out to you over the years and I'm not going to be ingored by you again.


Goodbye (name).

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Strangely I am feeling 'better', if better is isolating myself from people, but crying less. Maybe I am just more used to the hurt, somewhere inside. I wrote you a letter, and I feel better for that. I tried to put everything in, but restrained my anger (just about!). Still there's always a 'PS'. And I have to not send you anything for a very good while, if at all. The thing is, I love you. And maybe I miss loving you. And I'm eaten up by the errors I made. We may not be compatible, but you are so big in my life. And perhaps you are a very good actor / liar, but I thought I meant something to you too. I wish I knew if I did. Was it just a fantasy? I want reality now. A real life.

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Alright, so I drank a little bit but I'm still able to function normally. I just had to get this out.


So... it turns out that you are actually single and you developed a bad habit of smoking cigarettes. You only used to smoke cigarettes once in a while, but you mainly did it when you were under a lot of stress and you needed to calm down. So why are you smoking all the time now? I heard that you smoke when you get to work and when you are on break. I can only assume that 1 of 3 things are going on here:


1) Now that we have broken up, you are doing whatever you want to do and taking advantage of being single

2) You hate working there again and you smoke cigarettes to calm your nerves

3) The break-up did a lot of damage and you can't handle it


In a way, I think it's all of the above. The fact that you are back at the place we BOTH used to work at must get to you sometimes. We shared SO MANY memories there. Remember when we would kiss in the aisles when no one was looking? Remember when we would go on break together, and when we would goof around? I bet it eats at you every day. The fact that YOU dumped me and didn't want to fix the problems we had must also eat at you.


I know this sounds kind of mean, but I was happy when I actually realized that you weren't doing as well as I thought. I'm picking up my life and thinking positively whenever I can, and you are just being self-destructive. I should have known it would be like this. Everytime something serious happened (that involved me), you became distant and self-destructive.


Remember when I quit the job the first time and you didn't see me for six months? You told me that you were pissed off because you thought you missed your chance to go out with me and you didn't know if you'd ever see me again. Because of that, you started doing crazy things. Then when I came back, we eventually started talking again and you admitted that you liked me. Remember when you thought I found someone else and you got so upset that you couldn't even talk to me? Well, I explained to you what happened and you were happy as a pig in sh*t. Remember when we were going out and you lied to me the second time and I dumped you out of anger? You smoked weed and drank for the three days that we didn't even talk. And then when I took you back (goodness knows why), things were never the same. I couldn't trust you anymore. Remember a month later when we argued and I told you to find someone else? You drank and smoked that whole weekend and ignored me. Then you dumped me the next day. Even when we met up a few weeks after the break-up and you looked like crap, you told me that you were drunk and high the day before. Then, later on that day you had the nerve to tell me that you never got over the break-up and were suppressing your feelings with weed and alcohol.


You're an insecure wuss. You thought I was so much better than you and because of that, you didn't even want to try and just gave up. You coped by becoming self-destructive. You're such a pushover! You never once said, "Hey (my name), this bugs me. Let's fix this!" Instead, you just kept quiet and got mad at me when I would express myself.


You know what pisses me off? The fact that I gave you more credit than you deserved. When we were going out, you always used to tell me that you would do whatever it takes to keep me. But you gave up so easily. But it's ok I suppose. Although it bugs me sometimes, I'm able to function normally and carry on with my life. It seems like you are the one who is really suffering. That doesn't mean I'm going to contact you though. You still never apologized for treating me the way that you did. I have too much self-respect to contact someone like you.

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Romantically, I have made some progress. In my defense, ben has stuck around until very recently so getting over that really wasn’t an option for me as quickly as I had hoped. We spent last new years together, iknow its quite silly for me to still sit here crying, but I might as well let it out. After all I always say, whats the point of feeling something if you don’t profess it, you will still feel it regardless. The truth is I am in an inbetween motion now. I have dated other people, I have gone through the motions of replacing what we were, or rather starting over with someone new. But I have not opened myself to love.

I guess its taking me a little longer to get over the deeper memories we shared or that maybe I shared with myself and you weren’t there for. I think talking with you in the future is quite pointless and will always be painful. Because you represent someone who has given up on me, never properly closed the book and has himself moved on.

February I spent trying to forget you, and you spent trying to convince me I shouldn’t then your big moment valentines day, was terrible. A complete flop where I decided I never wanted to see you again. March april may we exchange a few lost emails, silly small talk here and there. I meet someone. May I come home I see you a couple of times and you tell me you love me.. july 4gh, I want to give it a chance again but you mysteriously don’t want a gf. Because secretly you met someone.

I am heartbroken yet again because part of my heart was holding out for you. We don’t speak unless I drunk dial you, I get sick of it when I reach the apex of my craziness in late july early august and scream and cry like a year old asking you to love me.. I go back to school. I block your number so I cant contact you..

September, or october emails start, I ask you to come out and you say perhaps we skype and I feel connected again..

November you tell me you are officially with someone. I feel and think I am over it completely, really didn’t even phase me after all I am dating again. Facebook friends.. your profile picture is her.. posted pictures of you too together. Nilam.

December I come home winter break. Our first runin since july 4th. Things feel the same to me. At the table I almost went to hold your hand. We joke, we laugh, its awkward because we both brought friends and couldn’t say the things we wanted. Or maybe that was just me. Its amazing how one moment can feel one incredible moment in time to me, and a blank of space to you.

Guess its true I always saw the good in you, and you never saw anything in me.. stupidly get some wine and liquid courage to tell you I miss you and that I wish I could see you again even though I know I wont. You tell me I shouldn’t be sending you messages like that. I get really angry.

I tell you I didn’t think some girl that took you 6 mos to commit to was more important to someone you wanted to propose to. You say “dude its been a year get over it” i feel a deep sinking feeling. You aren’t the same. “dude” what are you 12? Suddenly I feel 30. I feel as if I was some 21 year old you used to fill space and realize that I was. I tell you that I was just a 21 year old place holder amongst some other heavy words and end with something along the lines of it hasn’t been a year I saw you on valentines day and spent the year talking with you until I came home and something happened.. you started dating her and it should’ve been me. Couldn’t have possibly sounded more desperate there but again I was feeling it, so I let it out,..

I then proceeded to delete the application that I was texting you from so I couldn’t see the response because I know I couldn’t handle it. Considering how your previous text was a command that I should stop texting you.


Or someone as over it as you, I wonder why you met me in west chester the other night. Why you still have tagged pictures of us on facebook. Why it took you until I was near coming home to tell me you were dating someone.

My heart is broken. There is no one to blame. I did all that I could do and I have exhausted all the ways to make you see what you wont. There isn’t going to be another moment in time for us. Its kind of like that pipeline thing you were talking about. Im stuck trying to think about one where we can exist and you’ve hopped onto a new one, opening yourself up to love again. True ive been dating again, but I guess not for real. More like, I want attention, or this will pass time. Maybe its time to let someone else try to love me too. That still burns to say.

I just wish I had held you longer.. kept you closer. Maybe I wouldn’t miss you so much now.

“You may tire of me as our December sun is setting because im not who I used to be. No longer easy on the eyes but these wrinkles masterfully disguise both a beginning and an end but now he lives inside someone he does not recognize when he catches his reflection on accident”

“leaving everything behind but even at our swiftest speed we couldn’t break from the concrete. In the city where we still reside, and I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men. Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides. Like brothers on a hotel bed”

Its over, and not just for now as I have been living. Its over forever. You missed the pipeline. And heres to looking at you kid. I guess the truth is, it takes a lot for me to genuinely, really, fully, let someone inside my heart. I let you in somewhere I had never even seen myself before. And was hurt so badly that I closed myself off to letting anyone else in. that space where you were right now feels as though it can only be filled by you. But for you love is just love and I was just a girl. So its time to throw you away. As hard as it is. Not just surface recycle bin throw you away, but wipe the hard drive of memories and songs, thoughts, and deepest memories in pockets of my hearts away. So someone else can start to build a space to stay.

She has stolen your space, and as much as I am hurting, jealous, sad, disappointed, stupidly still partially in love with the man you are, I hope she loves and sees you for all the man that I saw. I hope you love her for all she is and she makes you happy.

I have breathed you in for the last time, and I finally think I want to let go. Not just for now, not just for a hope not just for you, not because I have to, but for ME.

So I can meet the person maybe I have already met but have secretly been incapable of loving because I left my heart with you. But now its mine. And I think this year, I want to keep it for me. Because after all, I know I wont break it.

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Finally seeing the light!!!


You're so disrespectful of women in general. And me, oh god, I could go on for hours. You never cared about what was important to me, and for some reason I took this mean that something was wrong with me. How wrong I was. When you broke up with me, you wanted to spend Valentine's day together before I got on that plane to leave you forever. You're just a total nutcase. And then you bought me that fancy vibrator hahaha oh god as a parting gift? I'm actually embarrassed. I can't believe I forgot about all that.


No wonder I was so miserable that day. You give me a sex toy for our broken up Valentine's day, we go out to this totally crappy French restaurant in this very hurried manner and I'm supposed to act like the bigger person when you kick me out of our apartment after I move accross the country for you?


I bet you didn't even tell anyone about the gift or the valentine's day thing because deep down you know how pathetic you would look if you told anyone.

I am SOOOOO glad I left and kind of never looked back. At least I had the sense not to move back.



where was I? Oh yeah, I was going on about how disrespectful and childish you are. Now, you used to think this was a virtue, proof of your youthful virility or something but now that we are truly young adults you look like a TOTAL douchebag.


Things that are important to me, spending holidays together, actually planning something meaningful, it meant nothing to you and that is so your loss. Now I actually live my life the way I want and I can't even tell you how much better it is.


I think about how abandoned I felt when you actually abandoned me on New Year's Eve when we were still together. God---seriously I just look back and think about how much nicer of a person I am than you. You're right, you're not a nice person. You are totally right on when you say that you are simply OK and not that good of a person.


So here I am over here with the good people actually enjoying my life and not having to worry about being lied to constantly. May you never see the light, because all your misery is completely deserved. I actually don't even care that much--if you're a good person now then you would know how horrible you used to be and I'm sure it hurts.


Still seeking validation (you)? I'm not going to give it to you as long as I live because I am stronger and wiser than you.

I'm thankful that I no longer feel like I understand where you're coming from...although I'm not sure where my newfound freedom is going to take me.


I finally started feeling less compassion for you. It's good. You reap what you sow--I'm living with integrity now and it was so hard to break free of your bad habits--are really still that unstable loser? god I just can't imagine.

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and you were right---


you did gain weight and stay kind of the same and I did become way better than you and I don't want you back

you were totally right!!! you definitely don't deserve to find out, ever. seriously that is my revenge, and it is definitely being served cold. It's not my sole reason for existing anymore but it gives me a sick sense of satisfaction. because if you knew what you lost, you'd have to grow up a little--maybe you'll realize it on your own anyway, but I'm not going to aid in your development. I owe you nothing nothing nothing and I love knowing for the first time that I am absolutely in the right. It makes it so much easier. I used to think I was the one who was supposed to be ashamed but what was I thinking!! I was so embarrassed in front of your friends and family when you are actually the embarrassment. and furthermore I don't care about their opinion of me because I am a person to be respected now. SO there--lol. Finally, it's all true. No more blame the victim madness.


I loved you so much, I can't even express how much I loved you--and I guess at this point I'm just happy that I am who I am. Maybe I'll always care for you very much but I definitely have enough sense to dole out the well deserved justice coming your way.


funny how things work out like that--I'm pretty confident that all things considered, I'm going to be pretty happy from now on and have many more stories to tell about new romances and adventures. I'm satisfied with that although god, I can't believe you put me through this novel's worth of lessons in character development at such a young age. It's kind of a gift but it really wasn't the right time for me to become so aware of things.

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and, I think I'm finally going to tell my friends about the WHOLE truth--from the cheating when we were still together, to the vibrator thing, to all the times you wouldn't let me go, to getting back together only to break up every time you had a party to attend or something, to the lengthy investigation otherwise known as my snooping, how you got your friends to lie for me, and how I confronted you


remember that, I said I had some good news to tell you and to call me back immediately. You know why I said that? Because I didn't expect you to bother calling me--unless I was doing all the chasing. God it makes me SO sad, now I'm all teary eyed again--so I baited you and you called me--and I said, well the good news is that I know for sure you're a cheater. lot's of tears at that point. I threw out your presents, the only ones I took with me here and now they're still in that ravine next to my house.


It would almost be comforting to go back and get that stuff--it would be a reminder that this INSANE relationship actually happened 'cause it's actually starting to feel like I just made it up in my head.


yeah, maybe I will. It's 4 pm, still light outside, but I feel like it's kind of dangerous down there, you can't tell if there is a drop off or something because the plants are so overgrown



all the insults, your criticisms, they are flooding back to now. I kind of just went insane I guess for a while. I couldn't think straight. I remembered some stuff, the straight up abusive stuff but I forgot about how hollow you really are. And that, I can say I always knew.


but it's so hard to forget things like the day we went hiking, rafting, bought that giant salmon by the river and that apple pie at other charming little farm accross the river--it's like I was with somebody else. That salmon was so huge we couldn't even fit it on the grill, and we had no idea how to cook it. We were just having fun and not worrying about whether or not we were having a stylish afternoon or something, just enjoying what we had. That period of happiness was so incredibly brief. It's just beyond painful.


it's just not fair to have those memories taken away from me because you're so bad.

I know that it's nothing special to spend time with the people who you're close to------but it just kills me inside---that there is just no getting around the fact that


well and thinking about it, I assume you've made hundreds more memories just like that one with new people, or your girlfriend.

Of course you have.

It's just hard because I am sooooo in denial or something. What is wrong with me? I had no intention of talking to you, I haven't for a year, and I'm basically in love with someone else and still can't get this out of my system. To be honest, the grief is kind of comforting. It makes me feel human, and it makes me remember that there were times in my life that were good--and that everything is going to be okay now.

I guess it's just normal to feel this way when something important gets taken away from you.

I'm fully aware that it's possible that firstly this whole relationship--at least from my perspective was an illusion, and that something is just wrong with your brain or something. and i know that it's also possible, maybe likely that you are just light years away from me now.


the reason I can't contact you to find out is that I'm not quite in a good enough position in my life to do so.

When that time comes, I'll be able to.

I just don't want to suffer all the time until I'm ready to do that. But how can I not suffer when you're basically dead to me? I'm all sensitive about people losing loved ones now, to cancer and stuff. I really feel an affinity with people who have gone through that. People who were not prepared to let go.

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Why do I still miss you when I know I will live a fuller life without you?


The bad memories are starting to disappear and I can only think about the good. We share some amazing memories.


I still love you, despite everything, I think a part of me always will.


When you left you said I'd be over you in a few weeks, that I wouldn't always love you, that I'd find someone new. If only you knew how wrong you were.

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This is so out of character for me, but I don't want this girl to fall in love with you. I hope she is really boring and has no conversation, but then you wouldn't be seeing her again would you if that was the case? Maybe she is a high-flyer and totally different from me. Can she talk about the stuff we talked about? Religion, politics, sport, astronomy, our crazy sense of humour, how we just laughed hysterically at the same things, how I could have you in stitches so easily? I felt like you were the part of me that had been missing for so long. I felt complete. I guess you didn't.


I hope you have to go on dates with a ton of duds, all those women our age who are desperate to snare a guy to have babies with. Watch out for the ones that are after your money too. There are plenty of them around and I wasn't one of them. So you have a successful high profile career? I couldn't have cared what job you had - I loved you for YOU. The person you are.


I don't even want you anymore - because it has taken me so long to get to this point and even now I'm struggling. I held out but you made it clear that you are moving on and you want me to move on and 'find someone special'. I still have feelings for you. When will they ever go? I will never understand why you freaked out because everything you said and did indicated that it was going somewhere. I'm glad I finally had the courage to tell you that my heart was broken because you needed to know. I did not want to make you guilty but I wanted you to see that even though you insisted it was 'not your intention' you made me believe you had deep feelings for me. Not shallow ones. We shared some really personal stuff. This year I'm going to get back out there dating because I think that if I don't I will always be thinking about you. I don't think you will leave my heart anytime soon.


I hope that one day I will be pleased that you have found someone, but right now I just can't bear it. I'm sorry.

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