katelyn

I miss you and I want more than anything to call you up and wish you a Happy New Year but I won't because I'm going on 2 weeks of NC and starting to feel better. The tickets to the show we were supposed to go to tonight are sitting on top of my dresser and it makes me so sad to look at them. We were supposed to ring in the New Year together but now I'm alone and wondering what you are doing. You cheated, you lied, and you broke me but I still love you and miss you. I just have to get through tonight and I'll be fine. I just want the holidays to be over! I guess instead of missing you, I should remind myself of last New Years and the awful mess you made then. I bought a special dress and spent an hour getting ready for the fancy party. We were driving to my friends house and you were drunk and being belligerent/obtuse/childish (as you always are when you drink) and giving me attitude about having to spend New Years with people you 'looked down' on. We got into an argument and you opened the car door, while I was driving, and threatened to jump out. I stopped the car and said fine, get out, and I went to the party by myself while you called your friend to pick you up. I couldn't even enjoy the night because you started to call me, begging me to leave the party and meet you at your house. I remember how I was so ready to leave you that night. I remember getting an awful ominous feeling that the relationship was doomed... but I stayed, only to have you cheat on me. I miss you, until I start to actually remember how you were. Now, after making myself remember last New Years, I don't miss you anymore.

Merry Christmas to you and your family. I miss you despite all the pain you caused me. This would have been our third Christmas together and we were supposed to be exchanging thoughtful gifts and heartfelt cards today. We should be snuggling and making dinner together while listening to Christmas songs and drinking mulled wine. Instead you cheated on me right after Thanksgiving and then treated me like * * * * during the breakup. I'm hurt you haven't even texted a simple 'Merry Christmas' to me. Even though you never asked how I was doing, I want you to know that I'm doing better. Every day brings a bit more peace and acceptance. I look back at the whole of our relationship and realize how unhappy I was for the majority of it. I know that you were not right for me. I wish that you did the right thing and ended the relationship like a man instead of starting a relationship with your co-worker behind my back. It would've saved me so much heartache. I've been struggling a hundred times more because of your cowardly, selfish, and cruel behavior. Dealing with a simple breakup would've been cake compared to feeling so easily replaced and discarded. Why would you talk about getting engaged when you had already 'emotionally checked out' of the relationship? How could you develop feelings for another girl and pursue her then come home to me and act like you were so in love with me? I'm left questioning the entirety of our relationship now. You are such a good liar and I had no idea. Now I don't know what was real and what wasn't. You have changed me fundamentally and I will never be the same again - in both good and bad ways. I feel wiser and stronger, but also a bit jaded and fearful. You took away my blind optimism and I don't look at the world through rose-colored glasses anymore. I see what people are capable of now. I will never let myself be so blindsided again. I walk away with my head held high because I know that I leave a better person. I don't think you can say the same.