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Why, WHY have you done me this way? I loved you! I put up with your alcoholism, porn addiction, anger issues...and you break up with me over a misunderstanding? OK, I can accept the break up. I'm a big girl. But why, WHY send me "I really do love you" texts, then follow it one minute later with a "Ah a nite alone Hey wanna tag team Cole's girl" that was meant for one of your guy friends??? How in the world is it possibly OK to joke about wanting to sleep with someone else's girl if you love me? How? I am truly perplexed. Joke or not, HOW do you say anything like that to your guy friend one minute after texting that you love me?

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Im still trying to work out what we had and how i feel for you, it must be something because i think about you everyday.. close my eyes and see those times we spent together.

 

You said you need more time so im giving it to you.. i just cant help but think your out there looking and if you cant find anything better then youll come back and settle for been with me.

I understand your scared, pushing me away.. but is this really fair on me? I mean what if i was sitting here heart broken holding onto the hope that after this little break you would come back and we would be happy again.. but then you came back and you didnt want me at all.. this prolongs my pain while your out there healing and maybe finding a replacement.

 

I guess we just see things differently because i always thought that if you ever had to ask the question 'Do i wanna be with this person' that the answer should always be no because you should never second guess something that you love, its like saying your willing to loose it because your unsure how you feel.. and if you lost it.. oh well i was unsure anyway.

 

Its hard, and im scared of your answer been no when you come back that you dont want this anymore.. but im more scared your answer will be yes but that i wont want you anymore.

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I miss you a lot tonight. I can't believe you're not going to be in my life anymore. Do you still miss me? Do you think about me? I am not looking forward to running into you at school. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I don't want to see you again. Just disappear please... I can't bear the pain. You don't exist to me anymore.

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Thank you for leading me on.

I've been talking to this girl I work with for months....she's been acting distant...so tonight I ended it because she was too afraid to do it herself.

 

I wouldn't have even started pursuing you had you not liked me for months prior to us talking. When you finally get me where you want me, you go bi-polar on me and decide you can't be in a relationship because you are still bringing up your ex who treated you like crap into play. You say I would never do to you like he did, and that's right...I would have been the best thing that ever happened to you had you given me the chance. Now you can gladly go back to your losers who want you just for sex, like you are used to. You gave ***** a chance but not me? That guy is a stalker who you can't stand yet you are still friends with him KNOWING he wants to still hook up with you. You will NEVER be happy because you go for the jerks and players. Maybe you will never know what you are missing out on with me...any girl in her right mind would LOVE to be treated like I treated you. It's your loss.....you said it from the start, that I am too good for you....

 

You even got me to trust you after my ex made it hard to trust anyone. You said I was ten times better than every other guy and you would be an idiot to choose otherwise, well lady...you are an idiot.

 

Have fun being treated like crap and being used for sexual favors. You lost your future happiness when you let me slip away

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I dont know if its the lack of sleep because im not sleeping right at the moment or if its how much im beginning to miss you. I feel very lonely and depressed today.. i miss you but i dont know what it is im missng about you?

 

Ive accepted that this wasnt all your fault, i understand i let you treat me that way, i let you get away with it.. i should have been stronger, should have had respect for myself.

 

I just wish we could talk because i miss your smile, but ive took the first step and accepted its over and im beginning to move on.

 

I feel like crying.

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I've been feeling so sad and lonely lately. I know I have no right to because i'm the one that dumped you, but it hurts all the same. I know the reason(s) for the break-up weren't that significant, I just wish I had actually thought it through before doing it. I know one of my biggest reasons was because both of our schedules are super hectic and it was hard to make time for each other. We'd go days without speaking and weeks without seeing each other, in the end..it didn't seem like much of a relationship. But being without you now and feeling the way I do, i'd rather be able to speak/see you rarely than to not see you at all. Because this is killing me. I broke up with you on Christmas Eve, and texted you on Christmas morning saying 'Merry Christmas.' I didn't get a reply from you until way later, basically at night..saying the same. Then I proceeded to tell you that I had something for you and that I wanted to give it to you, sooner than later. You asked me what it was and I told you it was a surprise. You said you didn't like surprises and that you'd call me the next day after work. I said it didn't matter if you liked surprises or not because I had gotten it for you and was going to give it to you if it was the last thing I did. You said you didn't want it. You don't know how much that hurt. Wanting to give you something I bought from the heart and having you reject it. I texted you telling you this and you didn't reply. A week passed, still no response. I took the initiative to text you saying that I missed you, but that you didn't need to reply because I was just letting you know that it wasn't easy for me. Even though I had said there was no need for a response, a part of me hoped that you still would text me back saying 'I miss you too,' like the other time. It didn't happen, another week passed. I texted you again saying that it's been a while and that I was just thinking about you and wondering how you were doing. That was three days ago, no reply. I've given up on hoping that you reply. At this point, I don't think you will. A huge part of me wants to call you, but I don't want to come accross as being needy/desperate, since i'm the one that broke it off. Plus, if you were to ignore me, i'd be crushed. I can't do anything anymore. I've tried my best to get you to talk to me, but it seems like you don't want me to contact you. So i'm done. I'm done trying, that last text I sent you is basically the last one you'll ever receive from me. It's up to you now, whether you want to come back or not. I still want to be with you. I'm sorry that I ended things, if I could take it back..I would in a heartbeat. It's so hard being without you. It's the biggest mistake i've made so far. Anyways, hope to hear from you. If not, I wish you the best of luck in the future.

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i miss you a lot; it seems to happen once in a while. I find it so strange that we never spoke again after everything ended. We were such good friends at first - I cant believe its been over a year now, and we still dont speak. I hope one day that we do. I'd like to catch up, though I know it'd be painful to hear from you/see you again.

 

I always wonder if you think of me - I think of you everyday...a couple times a day sometimes. I know you are not coming back, but I'd like to know I held meaning in your life.

 

Moving on is hard - but forgetting is unbelievably difficult. I love you, moreso now because I see that I knew so little when you left. I wish I could show you it is otherwise now.

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Seriously? How many people do I have to unfriend or block on Facebook to get you out of my life? I know we've got about 45 mutual friends, but come on! I hate how all of them totally ignore me and are still friends with you! What did you say to them after the break-up? Why do they think you're justified in what you did to me? It really makes me feel like crap because apparently you had every right to use me like that and deserve a happy ending.

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The only regret I have is that I didn't come to this conclusion sooner. No, your not the be all and end all. You are, however, not the person I remember.

 

It's weird after over a year of "being friends" that contact has stopped, and I don't hear from you on regular daily basis. But Im pleased this is because I refuse to get involved. I wont be breaking NC this time, and 2 weeks on, I'm relieved its over.

 

I hope that you find whatever you think you are looking for - the new guy maybe it, but that's none of my concern. I may have bridged the gap between new and old, to my now realisation, but I'm not going to your "emotional" tampon now. Thats his responsibly.

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You said you were "sorry". What are you sorry for? You obviously aren't sorry you left or you wouldn't have or would have come back. So you aren't sorry for that.

 

The last 6 months of my life have been a * * * * ing nightmare. You drifting slowly but steadily away from me, never having sex, feeling ugly and unwanted. Me trying with all I have while I watch you basically give up. But you wouldn't break up, oh no, string it out a while, then have an emotional affair, then deny the severity of what you've done. Then you finally admit what a horrible thing it was and instead of trying to fix things or make it up to me in any way, you run away because YOU are exhausted.

 

I have all these new bills to get used to on a single income, kid to take care of, trying to make more money in an economy that has almost no jobs available. You chose to leave me and go live on your own in your perfectly clean little house. You HAD to have "nice" place with a garage and new construction and all that * * * * . You HAD to have a washer and dryer. You told me it was just a break but you broke it off pretty * * * * ing quick once you had all your stuff in your new place. You knew you probably weren't coming back. I saw the writing on the wall WAY back when you first talked about moving out. I KNEW if you moved it wouldn't be temporary, that it would done and said so. You denied that up and down, yet that's exactly what you did. You ran away from all your troubles and problems. You aren't facing them, * * * * that. You are just going back to your nice little place, all on your own, where you don't have to face ME and everything you did. Where you can control everything, have no chaos, noise, mess, children, or sad eyed Girlfriends that you know you screwed over, looking at you. You are pushing it all under the rug. A man faces his problems head on and doesn't lie to himself or those he loves, a boy makes up excuses and covers * * * * up and runs away. Grow Up.

 

You have all kinds of excuses for why you "fell out of love" or "unconsciously sabotaged" our relationship, but you are TOO IMMATURE to actually DO anything about any of it. You feel guilty and bad because you know you * * * * ed up and you are still * * * * ing up by the way you have handled everything. You tried to make yourself feel better for giving up and ditching me by giving me the old truck and giving me a little money here and there when you were moving out. By promising to "help if you can". Sorry doesn't mean * * * * when you won't DO anything about it. Sometimes it's too late for "Sorry".

 

I'm sure you feel a bit guilty, maybe, that you know I'm in a tough position since you ran out on your promises and responsibilities, but then again, that's probably why you never want to get married, so that "technically" you can leave when ever you want. Same thing with never having kids. No ties, no responsibilities for anything but yourself. Makes it easier to run away, doesn't it? T isn't YOUR kid, so he's not YOUR problem, is he? You couldn't be honest with me about your secret "relationship/friendship" with my cousin, you couldn't be honest with me about where your head was really at when I asked repeatedly if you wanted to be done over the last 6 months. Over and over you told me you loved me and wanted to stay with me and try to work things out, but then you would sit around and do almost nothing. I remember practically BEGGING you to go out with me, dinner, band, something. You'd always say no, we don't have the money, or you weren't in the mood. But ONE week after breaking up with me you are going out making * * * * ing SNOW ANGELS and spinning on a stripper pole with girls you work with, one of whom has marriage problems.

 

DON'T LIE TO ME ANY MORE. If you are just done, be done, tell me you don't love me. You should have ended it a long * * * * ing time ago if you couldn't and wouldn't step up and do anything to save us. You just dragged it all out and made me feel * * * * ing STUPID for how hard I tried, for all I forgave. I'm like the dumb * * * * * who kept getting smacked down with your hurt and neglect and lies, but I kept forgiving you and coming back. Then you leave anyways. What a stupid * * * * * I must be for having stuck around so long and tried so hard. What was the point? How can I NOT feel like the last 6 months was a waste of my time? Sure didn't get me anywhere.

 

You are just as much the reason I'm screwed without a car as my G is. We never bothered to keep up on the Avenger or replace it because it wasn't a "priority" and we only used it as a back up car. Even when I'd mention all the * * * * starting to go wrong with it, you just blew it off, wasn't your problem even back then, I guess. YOU didn't have to drive it. Yes, G is at fault for taking forever with this damn Buick I've been supposed to get for over 2 months, but I wouldn't NEED a new car so badly if you hadn't left, or at least had helped me fix up the car more when * * * * started going wrong with it a long time ago. You broke promises in this too, promising you wouldn't move until I had a new car, but you still left. And I still don't have a good car.

 

In some ways, it's not your problem anymore. You succeeded. You didn't marry me so officially, none of my problems have anything to do with you. I'm doing my damndest to take care of myself and Tristan and make more money and save money in other places. I WILL survive. But this transition is a * * * * * and it is largely because of you. And the worst part is, I still * * * * ing love you. How stupid am I? I miss you and want to talk to you and sleep next to you. But it's all pointless. You ran away and aren't coming back. You aren't enough of a man to do that. I guess 4 1/2 years doesn't mean * * * * to you, and neither does your word.

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It would have been our one year anniversary today, I highly doubt you remember. I just want this day to be over and done with, it's too hard for me. I think about you everyday, a whole bunch of times. But today, it feels like you never even left my brain from the moment I woke up. I couldn't even get up and go to work today, that's how much it's affecting me. I just feel like laying around in bed all day mourning, but what good is that going to do? I've lost the desire to do anything, I can hardly eat, and sleep is scarce. I know you're doing perfectly fine, pretending as if we never happened and getting on with your life. Kudos to you.

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i miss you a lot; it seems to happen once in a while. I find it so strange that we never spoke again after everything ended. We were such good friends at first - I cant believe its been over a year now, and we still dont speak. I hope one day that we do. I'd like to catch up, though I know it'd be painful to hear from you/see you again.

 

I always wonder if you think of me - I think of you everyday...a couple times a day sometimes. I know you are not coming back, but I'd like to know I held meaning in your life.

 

Moving on is hard - but forgetting is unbelievably difficult. I love you, moreso now because I see that I knew so little when you left. I wish I could show you it is otherwise now.

 

Feeling the exact same way. Crazy how I relate to every word.

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I'm not sure what I ever saw in you. When you sent me that second last text (which I didn't reply to) saying: "I'd like to suggest you might like to meet me at ***** (beautiful place and setting) on a warm sunny day for an outdoor lunch.", I thought, "This Fecker has a real cheek". I didn't reply and I won't because I choose to maintain my dignity. I don't want to meet you for lunch, be your "friend" or have you in my life so FECK OFF.

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I passed my driving test today. I started learning so that it'd be easier for me to come and see you when I'd moved a bit further away. I want to call you and tell you, but you no longer give a ****. Net result is that passing feels like a huge ****ing anti-climax.

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I think i dont want to be with you anymore? You came back yesterday saying you missed me, and that we should talk about it all.. you assumed i wanted to be with you straight away. And after talking and just looking at you i realised i do not want to be with you. I was looking at you, watching you talk and i felt like i just.. i feel disapointed in you.. you gave up and you left, it hurt when you left, and i will never put myself through that again, because you dont deserve me.. i think if i stay i would be staying just so no one else could have you, it would be selfish.. but you * * * * ed up.. and i dont think i want to be with someone who had to second guess if they wanted to be with me or not.. You found out that person you were dating last year is with someone now, you found out your ex is with someone now.. is that why you came back? because i was your last option.

 

You kept hinting for me to be soppy with you.. wanted me to tell you how i feel.. how i love you.. but i didnt.. kept asking me why i was looking at you.. what i was thinking about.. asking do you look different.. did you really want me to tell you what i was thinking? How much i wanted to tell you to go * * * * yourself.. then telling me how you think three somes are hot.. they arnt hot they are degrading.. why would you be with someone if you could share them with someone else.. its sick.. but its your preference.. maybe thats where we differ.. i have respect for myself and the woman i am with.. where as you have no respect for anyone and you have no respect for yourself. You can continue to live that life, drink, drugs and sex and maybe one day youll see how much you * * * * ed up.

 

 

I dont know what ill say when we talk but i have no plans on been your friend and i dont think i have any plans on been with you.. ive already suffered the hardest blow.. the moment you told me you didnt know and then left.. now i find myself not wanting anything i used to want.. i want something long lasting.. i want something youll never be.

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haha, it is Day 5 now...ya know, the day that I always give in and call because I can't seem to get past it. Well I'm having a much easier time NOT calling you. I'd love to speak to you and get some sort of response. But then I tell myself that I'm such a great girl and a great catch that I don't deserve to be on the back burner. You kissed some other girl!!! We have only been broken up for a month and a half and you've gone and kissed a girl and stayed at her house. Well guess what? I did the same thing this past Sunday. And I felt like crap. Because that is not me. I'm not going to follow your actions because I'm better than that. I'd love to think you will call me up one day realizing your mistake but I'm beginning to wonder if I ever meant anything to you in the first place.

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I had a good session with the counsellor yesterday. I'm not just talking about you, but other stuff as well. She cannot wave a magic wand for me in getting over you (how I wish she could) - that will take time - but I have to say I'm developing some real insights about myself and still there is a ton of stuff I want to talk to her about.

 

I wonder if you did think about going to talk to someone about your fears and how you feel about yourself? I hope so. Knowing you, I bet you didn't do anything about it though. Take it from me, running away from your problems and issues doesn't work - they just follow you everywhere. I should know. Please don't be afraid to talk to someone when you feel ready, if there is something painful in your past. Maybe the painful thing is that one thing you told me - that would be enough to give you low self-esteem and fear of rejection. If only you could have seen how I was someone who could have helped you get through that. But 'if onlys' are no good. You are unable to let someone into your inner world and nothing anyone else does will change that until you choose to let them.

 

I had a couple of better days T, but today is not good. I have no idea why. I just woke up feeling down.

 

I'm trying very hard.

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I felt so relieved and happy when I finally deleted that Facebook account that I didn't even want to make in the first place, but did to appease you because you kept hounding me about it so much. I hated being surrounded by all the negativity and being treated like an object that was only there to make you not look like so much of a loser, I guess. I was always depressed, empty and angry in your presence and I'm glad it's over, but where is this sadness coming from? My chest hurts. I keep having to look through my old diary to remember all the things you did that I did not deserve and never want to go through with anyone else again. You've become so disgusting that I didn't think it was still possible to miss you or maybe its the familiarity I miss? I don't know. This is so weird. I guess it will take awhile yet.

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