THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[peanutbutterandjelly]

thanks. im mostly afraid of getting into a rebound without healing and then having to deal with double the broken heart if it doesnt work out. But I really am going to try to take it slowly and just be friends with him right now so that doesnt happen. it's confusing though

[Nappyloxs]

This is day 10, I think. Only 1 contact in 22 days.

 

I am feeling it. Yesterday, I had a good time over a friend's house. Then when I got home, I basically thought of her all night until 3am. Not insomnia as I wasn't tired. Maybe just bored. I don't know, but now I just can't get her off my mind.

 

I still love her so much. I have accepted that I am not going to ever stop loving her. But why do I still feel so "in" love with her, despite knowing that she isn't coming back.

 

I really miss her today. I went shopping a little bit for black Friday, nothing special. But just driving, I missed her being in the car with me.

 

Today just sucks because I thought about my mistakes again. I just wish she would have given me another chance. I neglected her and what we had for two years, especially that last year, but I never thought that she would leave. I was so naive. I did not know how to love. I just wish she would give me another chance to show her how much I love her, that I know how to love now, and that she is all I want.

 

I will go out tonight and hit on some random women I find physically attractive. But I know I don't care about them and probably will never talk to them again. Then, I will miss her and what we had again, because I don't want to clubs and bars; I don't want to hit on women just for the hell of it.

 

Right now, the only good thing I can take from this experience is that I know what I need to do differently the next time I am in love and that I have discovered a little more about what love really entails. But it doesn't feel good or rewarding to discover this, because I just want to give it to her.

[Nappyloxs]

thanks. im mostly afraid of getting into a rebound without healing and then having to deal with double the broken heart if it doesnt work out. But I really am going to try to take it slowly and just be friends with him right now so that doesnt happen. it's confusing though

 

This is just my opinion, but your next dating experience (maybe not relationship on how you are) is going to be a rebound. There is nothing wrong with it. In rare instances, will the next person you date be your spouse. (I say rare, because with ex. 1, she met her husband a few months after I called it off for good).

 

Just tell the guy: Look I am just getting out of a relationship, I am still hurt from it, I am not looking for sex or a relationship, and I just want to be take it slow and hang out. (PS don't say you just want to be friends). Seriously, use him as a crutch in recovery, but don't lead the poor guy on for what your ex. did (not saying you are). A good guy will respect that and even treat you more special if he knows that you need to be "built up."

 

I fell hard for a girl once, in between ex. 2 and ex. 3. She did not tell me I was the rebound, I still treated her great, because I was crazy about her. But she didn't tell me the truth, so it did hurt when I found out she was dating others. Just be honest.

 

FYI sadly, that girl ended up becoming a really good friend, because I forgive too easily. Also, it wasn't as if we dated a long time, just a month or two.

[kt_belle]

Day 8

 

I cannot believe its now been over a week since i last talked to him. I miss him so much I feels like forever but in reality it isnt really that long. Why does such a short time feel like it never ends?

[supercalifragilistic]

Day 32

 

Today is not a good day at all. I want to leave this stupid city, it's setting me back and making me depressed. I had forgotten how much I hated it here. It rains all the freaking time, it's always cloudy and humid and moldy. And it only reminds me of my ex. I keep forgetting we are no longer together and I keep expecting him to show up here, because that's what would usually happen on the weekends. Never mind that it's been nearly 2 months since this hasn't happened. My brain can't seem to take note of this little detail.

 

To make things even worse, I keep wondering what my ex is doing and sometimes even imagining he is with someone else, which doesn't help me at all.

[leq]

Day 6.

 

Had a horrible dream last night. I went round to my friends house, walked into his room and she was there, in his bed looking at me from under the covers.

 

Burst into tears when I woke up.

[OneBrightStar]

Day 23.

 

I am crying a lot today.

[Mustachio]

Day 1 again.

 

Well, ex texted me, then we spoke at length on thursday and very briefly yesterday.

 

Today I am back to not contacting her. No real goal in mind this time other than to focus on myself, I have opened the doors of communication back open just a bit, and I will see how I feel, and see if she contacts me, if not, so be it.

 

Not feeling too bad.

[Hopeless1234]

Day 1 again.

 

Well, ex texted me, then we spoke at length on thursday and very briefly yesterday.

 

Today I am back to not contacting her. No real goal in mind this time other than to focus on myself, I have opened the doors of communication back open just a bit, and I will see how I feel, and see if she contacts me, if not, so be it.

 

Not feeling too bad.

 

Hi Mustachio,

 

I'm sorry, but I'm not completely familiar with your story, but have you asked your ex to not contact you? I had asked my ex to not contact me unless she wants to reconcile and she keeps texting/IMing me about once a week. Kinda makes my NC a bit difficult as I find it difficult to ignore her. How exactly do you with it when she does contact you? I just don't know whether I should ignore her or if I should be civil or friendly or what not.

 

Thanks.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

thanks for the advice. he definitely knows that i just got out of a relationship and i told him that i just want to take it slow and see where it leads to, so i guess we'll see what happens. I was actually going to hang out with him tonight, but it turns out he had too much work to do and cancelled on me...

[peanutbutterandjelly]

Day 12... so far so good.

 

the fact that there is someone new in my life is really making things weird. When I want to contact my ex, i contact this guy instead. When I start missing my ex, it feels like I "miss" this new guy instead cause he is the one I am in contact with. it sounds weird, and it is. i think it is that i just miss being in a relationship and its as if my brain thinks I am in one with this guy.

 

i am using him to fill a void and i dont know how healthy it is. he knows that i broke up with my boyfriend recently so i dont feel like im leading him on, but i feel like im kinda using him. honestly, since ive been talking to this new guy I have barely been thinking about my ex and i dont know if that's a good thing. I was planning on meeting with the new guy today and he cancelled on me because he had too much work piling up, and I felt this reallllly strange sensation... it felt like heartache, which makes no sense whatsoever because i am not involved with this guy at all.

 

 

i dont know what im doing. its making the pain go away so i keep talking to him but im scared im handling this wrong.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

also i think i feel extremely guilty for even talking to this guy. i feel like i shouldnt have these feelings because i am so angry at my ex for being with another girl less than 2 weeks after he broke up with me and using her to get rid of his pain. And now 6 weeks after the break up i am doing the same thing. i feel like i am a total hypocrite and cant be mad at him for that now.

[supercalifragilistic]

also i think i feel extremely guilty for even talking to this guy. i feel like i shouldnt have these feelings because i am so angry at my ex for being with another girl less than 2 weeks after he broke up with me and using her to get rid of his pain. And now 6 weeks after the break up i am doing the same thing. i feel like i am a total hypocrite and cant be mad at him for that now.

 

I understand that you feel this way, but don't. You are not a hypocrite at all. When your ex broke up with you he left you free to do whatever you wanted. Also, I imagine you wouldn't consider going out with this guy if your ex hadn't been with this other girl so quickly. You most definitely can be mad at him, he was the one who told you he didn't want to be in a relationship and then slept with this girl right away. You are doing nothing wrong. Enjoy the new guy if this is what you want

[peanutbutterandjelly]

I understand that you feel this way, but don't. You are not a hypocrite at all. When your ex broke up with you he left you free to do whatever you wanted. Also, I imagine you wouldn't consider going out with this guy if your ex hadn't been with this other girl so quickly. You most definitely can be mad at him, he was the one who told you he didn't want to be in a relationship and then slept with this girl right away. You are doing nothing wrong. Enjoy the new guy if this is what you want

 

thanks, and you're right. The strangest thing is, the past 3 days I have been more concerned about the new guy contacting me instead of my ex! When my phone buzzes, I automatically hope its this other guy because THIS guy wants to be with me, this guy wants to talk to me, unlike my ex who wants nothing to do with me. And it actually feels good to have some control in this new situation.

[lonesomeloser]

Day 2

 

Really good past couple days. Sent her a smiley text on Thanksgiving, she didn't respond. Never said anything about the card I sent either. Think I'm starting to dislike her. What helps is I found a new female friend online - we've been emailing each other and really getting to know each other. SOOOO takes my mind off of old whats-her-name. lol... I hope I can keep this up.

[OptomisticGirl]

3rd day

 

I guess I'll try. I mean, I have been on NC on my own for the last 3 days which is why I put 3 days. The only contact was me texting his mom's phone that I needed his part of the power bill.

 

(we lived together and are still splitting the bills that were left over)

 

So I will not contact him UNLESS it is about a bill or something to do with my cats which he has because they cant come with me where I am at.

 

How do I feel today?

 

....better. I feel a little stronger. I still have those moments where I miss him like crazy or I remember a memory or just because Christmas is right around the corner and I think to myself one call won't hurt... so I gave my cell to my aunt when I started feeling like that and hopped on over here lol

 

I'm hoping he will call about something to do with the bills so I can just be like, "is that all? I am kind of running late to a tango lesson right now!"

 

Day 3... 27 more to go!

[bungalo]

day 6 and happy as hell

[Mustachio]

Hi Mustachio,

 

I'm sorry, but I'm not completely familiar with your story, but have you asked your ex to not contact you? I had asked my ex to not contact me unless she wants to reconcile and she keeps texting/IMing me about once a week. Kinda makes my NC a bit difficult as I find it difficult to ignore her. How exactly do you with it when she does contact you? I just don't know whether I should ignore her or if I should be civil or friendly or what not.

 

Thanks.

 

Heh, well you are welcome to search around for it, its all over the healing section if you are interested.

 

I actually havent... well I did ask her not to contact me once. But I broke it 5 days later when she accepted a months old friend request on facebook. After that I just stopped contacting her, and made it to day 58 or 59 before she texted me. I had been thinking a lot about contacting her anyways as I had some stuff to get off my chest. So when she did contact me, I was glad, because it was an opportunity for me to then speak with her without having to break my self imposed NC.

 

After we talked, we left it on relatively friendly terms, but I did not ask her not to contact me as I feel I have gotten what I needed out of NC and now that contact has been reestablished, I no longer have the urge to continually contact her. So, I am planning on just not contacting her until some point in the future I feel like it (will have to be completely unrelated to our relationship) or until she contacts me first.

 

I dont know if my situation is the same as yours, how long ago was your breakup? Who broke up with who? I think though if you already asked her to stop contacting you, and she continues to even though she doesnt talk about getting back together, I think you have two options. 1. Ask her why she is contacting you and if it has anything to do with her possibly wanting to get back together or work towards getting back together, or 2. Since you have already told her not to contact you, just stick to your convictions and ignore them.

 

I think if you go with option #1, then yes, be very polite, very civil, and keep the conversation about you, and how you need to not contact her for a while so you can sort yourself out. If you go with option #2, then I wouldnt worry about being rude as you have already asked her not to contact you unless its about reconciliation.

 

Ultimately, and this is what I have learned, take in all the advice you have been given, but make your own decision about what you feel is best... I would just try not to let your emotions get too much in the way of rational thinking when making the decision, and if you do contact her, same thing, calm, rational, and polite is the way to go.

[lostandneedhelp]

Day 3..... its now been over 2 weeks since I last saw her and this no contact thing is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be, i have not contacted her first in the 2 weeks once, but I was guilty of replying and hence why I am back at day 3. I am proving to be quite useless at moving on at the moment, last night I spoke to quite a lot of girls when out at a night club, had good interest and for the umteenth time I just walked away after 5 minutes talking as they just werent my ex. I dont feel I need my ex, but I am not ready 2 move on...... I just hope my good fortune with women of late remains once I am ready to move on.

[lonesomeloser]

Day 3

 

Man it helps to have a new friend. We've been emailing each other back and forth all weekend. I still think about old whats-her-face, but my heart has stopped palpitating every time I do. I'm actually mostly just thinking about the sex now rather than the love, though I know the love is still there and will probably never go away. (for the record, the sex was incredible)... lol

[bish0p2004]

Day 3

 

I'm feeling better today, although I did dream about her last night.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

Day 13... i thought i was doing great and then i had a mini meltdown last night. I was reading and all of a sudden, halfway through a page, halfway through a sentence, i just started crying uncontrollably. All I could say over and over and over again was, "I want my old life back."

 

I feel like i was taken out of my old life and thrown into someone elses.. and over these past few weeks i have been trying to make it my own, but its hard. I guess i just realized that things will never be the same again, i will never be with him again, i will never do all those things with him, he is gone. its over.

 

i cried for a while and stopped when i ran out of tissues. i went down stairs to get some more and was able to compose myself, so instead of going back into my room i went into the kitchen and ate a snack and watched some tv and felt better. i had the feelings, dealt with them, and they passed thank god. I almost said "screw nc" and thought about calling him, but never came too close.

 

Last night I had a dream. He randomly came over and wanted to see me and I wanted nothing to do with him. He was acting as if nothing happened, as if he didnt crush my heart and distroy my life. He was upset that i was being cold to him and I told him to go away. That night, he called me in my dream and said, "i want to get back together with you" and in my dream i asked myself "what about ****? (new guy that im interested in). And I told him that I would have to think about it. In my dream I was extremely torn, because the one thing i wanted came true but at that point it was almost too late. And then I woke up....

 

I really think that this was a turning point for me. Up until now, I would have pretty much taken him back, no questions asked. And after last night, i realized that i really might not now.

[lonesomeloser]

Good for you Milk&Honey

Keep it going, I'm proud of you. You'll get past this, sounds like you are well on your way.

We'll all get past this.

[OptomisticGirl]

Day 4....

 

Dreamed about him, somehow last night. And when telling funny stories to people he is in them because we had 4 years of memories. And in telling those stories it made me so sad... I don't want to break NC.

 

I might have to because I need his part of the money for a bill and its no excuess to not break NC but it's pretty important. But I texted his mom's phone last night and haven't heard anything.

 

And if he wanted to get a hold of me he would have, right? I just have to keep thinking that.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

Good for you Milk&Honey

Keep it going, I'm proud of you. You'll get past this, sounds like you are well on your way.

We'll all get past this.

 

thank you. we will all have feelings of ups and downs, good days and bad days, but we are all going to get through this.

 

i cant wait until i am healed and can come back here, share my story, and bring hope too all that need it.