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supercalifragilistic

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  1. supercalifragilistic
    It's what I used to make in three months of work...it's quite a lot (to me). I don't need it, it's not going to kill me to go without, but it's mine and I want it. I could take a pretty decent vacation with that money, I'm not about to give it to him, just like that. I would forget about it if I thought that would help me move on or cause me less pain, but I would feel much worse knowing that not only did he dump me, he kept all this money that belongs to me. I wish I could just let it go and not care, it would be much easier...but I cannot let that go. And you are right about FB...it's an addiction...it's a good thing I checked it because I had high hopes he would come back and now I know better. But it's probably best that I stop checking it.
  2. supercalifragilistic
    Day 60 Well, look at that...I made it. 60 days. It was not the NC I had hoped because I had to contact him twice about some money he owes me but not once did I contact him to hear his voice, talk to him, see him...it was strictly about the money. I have to say I thought I would be MUCH better by now...but I am not. I feel horrible and I've spent the past few days crying a lot and being really sad about this. Today wasn't much different. A little better than yesterday, but not by much. Back when I started NC I was thinking about breaking it by now but I'm nowhere near ready for that and I know (from checking FB and the like) that my ex is not even close to missing me or wanting me back, so what's the point? I'll just stick to NC and only contact him if it's about my money or anything else unrelated to the relationship that has to be done. Maybe by day 90 I'll be ok? Here's hoping.
  3. supercalifragilistic
    Day 57 Today sucks, just like yesterday. I'm back to feeling hopeless and depressed about my life. I don't feel like doing anything but sleep. I wish I could sleep most of the day so I wouldn't have to deal with these feelings. I'm starting to miss who my ex was when we were together and it feels horrible because this can't be fixed, he's a different person now and who knows if he'll ever change. On the bright side, I haven't cried today or yesterday...but only because I can't cry, it's like I ran out of tears or something...the sadness is definitely still there and I can't even let it out. This really sucks, I thought I would be feeling much better by now. I wish I could have my old life back. Sure now I don't need to go to my crappy job or worry about money or cleaning the house or anything really, because I'm living with my parents. I have a "great" life with all kinds of material things but it means nothing...I would give it all up and take my crappy job back in heartbeat if it meant having my ex back (the old him). I wish time would go by faster.
  4. supercalifragilistic
    Day 55 I feel horrible and I still can't see myself getting over this. I know my ex is no longer the person he was when he was with me and I know I don't want the stupid idiot he is now. But I still can't help but wish he hadn't changed. I wish this had never happened. I love the old him so much and I really miss him. Today I technically broke NC but I won't even count this one because the call was strictly about the money he owes me. It didn't even set me back and I feel like it didn't even happen, it's odd. I remember everything he said but his voice is foggy in my memory and in my memory it's like I called a complete stranger. I don't feel like I talked to him at all. Whatever. I really hate this. I can't have him and I feel too miserable to find someone else, it sucks. If only I felt well enough to go on with my life and find a new job, make new friends. But I'm so sad and angry I don't even want to leave my house. I barely feel like eating anymore. I guess I only felt ok while I believed he could be back...now that I see what a jerk he is being I think it's highly unlikely that he'll change his mind like last time and this really depresses me.
  5. supercalifragilistic
    I actually felt better on day 1 of NC I feel pretty much like I did when he broke up with me. Except now I know that he is actually interested in someone else, which hurts even more. I hope I accept all of this soon and that it gets better...but I really don't see it happening anytime soon. Before I at least had the hope he could be back. Now, even if he were to come back I don't think I could take him back.
  6. supercalifragilistic
    Day 54 The day has barely begun and it sucks already. Yesterday I made the huge mistake of checking my ex's twitter and FB and saw some things I wish I hadn't...well, even if I hadn't seen them...I wish they weren't true. The person my ex is now is not the same he was with me for over 3 years. He is now an irresponsible jerk who is doing terrible at college and all he cares to do now is go out to bars and drink. And try to hook up with other women. I can't believe this is happening, I just can't. I don't understand...was he fooling me this whole time? Was he faking it? Using me? What?? I wish I knew why he got back together with me 2+ years ago and why he stayed for so long if this is the kind of person he is. He knew I wanted to get married young and have children...and he knew how much I loved him, how hard it would be for me to get over him...why would anyone do this to a person? I feel like he broke up with me all over again. I woke up with my heart beating off my chest as soon as I realized I now know all of these things and now I'm having an anxiety attack and I can't stop crying. I don't know how I'll ever get over this...life sucks
  7. supercalifragilistic
    Day 53 It seems like all my progress is gone...I didn't even do anything different but I feel depressed and worried about this again. Every time I think he might not be back I get a horrible feeling of despair. I'm back to missing him and thinking that no one could ever replace him. They could be more mature, more successful, responsible...but they could never be him. And now that I know how he is, that I have known this for over 3 years, I don't want anybody else... This is so hard, I can't even remember what I felt like a few weeks ago when I was mostly happy...maybe not happy, but at least I wasn't depressed. I felt like doing things and there were a few moments where I felt happy. I don't even know what happy feels like anymore. I feel like crying all the time. I just to want to sleep and only wake up when this is over...when I'm healed. I don't like this at all.
  8. supercalifragilistic
    Day 51 WTH? I feel like I'm going backwards now. I've spent pretty much the entire day either crying or trying not to cry. I still can't understand he broke up with me...it just makes no sense at all. Also, I've started to actually miss him again for the first time in weeks...I thought I wouldn't feel this bad again but I guess I was wrong. I hope I start to feel better by saturday, at most, because I have something to do on sunday that kind of requires me not to cry my eyes out.
  9. supercalifragilistic
    Day 50 10 more days to go and I feel really bad. I'm back to crying randomly and being unable to go to certain places without feeling like crying. I wonder when I will stop wanting him back...I wonder if he misses me, I wonder what he is doing even though maybe I don't want to know because it might set me back...I hate this and I wish I didn't have to go through this again. I seriously don't know what I did to deserve this. I don't know why my stupid ex got back together with me and stayed with me telling me he loved more than anything for nearly 3 years only to end it again...for no good reason. I just can't believe this happened. I was hoping he would realize it was a mistake and he was just confused because of all the things that he has going on in his life, but maybe this won't happen...ugh, this sucks.
  10. supercalifragilistic
    Day 49 This was when I broke NC when my ex broke up with me for the first time nearly 3 years ago. This time I'm nowhere near where I was last time. There's no way I could break NC anytime soon...It would set me back a LOT if things didn't go well...and by well I mean him asking me back. I imagine I won't be ready at 60 days either like I thought I might be...day 49 was also when my ex started trying to get back together with me last time and had been missing me for a while already...I wonder if the same thing is happening this time too...I can hope, right?
  11. supercalifragilistic
    I also dreamed I broke NC! I felt so bad because in my dream I was only 3 days away of my NC goal. We did get back together in the dream, though. Scratch that...the rest of the day sucked and today is not a good day at all. I've spent most of the day thinking about him and wondering why the hell did he leave me...it still doesn't seem real, I still can't believe this happened. What a waste. If he doesn't come back, the past 4 years of my life will have been a waste...of time and money. And if he does come back, I don't know if I could take him back. So, day 46 sucks.
  12. supercalifragilistic
    Well, today is day 45 and I feel ok. I'm not sad and I'm not too worried about what will happen. I still want him back but I feel like I fell out of love with him...I don't know how I would react if he were to contact me about getting back together. I would be pretty happy I think, but I just don't know if I feel the same way. I still love him and care about him, but I don't think I'm in love anymore. I feel much better today than I did the last time I posted and I hope I keep feeling better. I also dreamed I broke NC! I felt so bad because in my dream I was only 3 days away of my NC goal. We did get back together in the dream, though.
  13. supercalifragilistic
    Day 40 It's only 1pm here and the day already sucks. I feel really sad today and I even cried. I still feel like crying. I thought I would be in a better place by now. I was doing much better at this point the last time I did NC. I don't see how I will ever truly get over this. I feel like I will always have this sadness lingering...I see myself being able to move on with my life and all, even feel somewhat happy...but I feel like this will always be with me. I will never get over the fact that the person I loved the most, this person who I trusted so much and who seemed to really love me too, would just decide to leave me one day, without warning...it still makes no sense to me. The only thing that makes sense in my head right now is that he will regret doing this and come back. And this doesn't even make me feel better because I don't know if I could take him back.
  14. supercalifragilistic
    Day 37 Somehow I'm starting to feel bad again. I keep thinking about what my ex is up to, how he is feeling, I think about checking his facebook, myspace, etc. And this makes me really anxious, sad and afraid. That's what keeps me from looking. That and the fact that what I find there means nothing really. It is no indication of anything. It will only make me upset, no matter what it is. Ugh. I still can't believe he did this...my brain still can't process this. And today I'm kind of feeling like he just broke up with me, minus the inconsolable crying. I wish I could just forget all about him and not want him back anymore. It would be much better. But no, I'm back to missing him again and wishing I could see him and talk to him. I keep wishing he would call to tell me he misses me and wants me back. And the day isn't even close to being over yet.
  15. supercalifragilistic
    I feel the same way. It's day 36 today. I'm home alone now and I would give anything to be back with my ex so I could call him now. He would likely answer if I called him but I'm not going to break NC over this. It would only set me back. Specially if for some reason he doesn't answer or I find out something I rather not know. This really sucks
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