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Nappyloxs

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  1. Nappyloxs
    Back to the challenge, I can't even call this day 1. I broke NC yesterday. Actually sent an email that I wrote for myself. The honest about how I was feeling. (and she isn't going to like a few added parts!). No cussing or anything of that nature. Today, I felt bad about it so sent her another email apologizing and telling her what is going on in my life (like she has the right know. Never volunteer information, I explain that to clients all the time!). Any, told her I am doing good, new job soon, vacations I have planned, working out. Told her we were blind, I don't hate her or blame her for the breakup and promised never to contact her again. I plan never to contact her again. Funny, after a day of feeling low, I always feel 1000x better the next day and filled with energy and motivation. Today, is definitely the day I put her in my past and move forward with my life. Still some internal battles to fight, but as far as her. I am finished. I will never initiate contact again. Ever.
  2. Nappyloxs
    Day 41 I can't believe it has been so long. And only 1 attempt in 67 days. She is on day 67, so I guess it is over for good!!! Time does fly when your having fun!
  3. Nappyloxs
    You are right this is for the best of both of us. You were miserable in the relationship and now you are free and happy. I am actually happy for you. I am actually doing very well. I realize now that we weren't meant to be for so many reasons. I am not going to go through them all, but basically you never understood or appreciated how much I truly did love you. You were everything to me and I would have been happy for the rest of my life with you. But you wanted more and more and more than I could give. You didn't want to be patient. You didn't want to believe, trust, have faith, or support me in my dreams and goals. Funny thing is, I was cool with it and still would have given you all the rewards from it. What has really proved to me we weren't meant for each other is how you have just cut me out of your life. No missing me. I read stories on here all the time about exes trying to initiate contact or of woman who still love their ex. Not you, just straight up cold and shut the door. I would expect (or want neither which I ask for often) a woman who truly does love me to miss me even if we broke up. I know we have broken up and made up many times, but still after the 2nd year you pulled this crap and now again this 3rd year. It is best that we don't communicate, but still it shows me how little love you had for me.
  4. Nappyloxs
    Day 36 Feeling much better than yesterday which was pure hell. It is really time to let go. I can actually pick my dream girl and it isn't her. Today is the beginning of focusing on me again. I loved her and always will, but she will never change and will never come back. It is time for me to live my life. I actually had a strange dream last night. She was in it, we were out and about. For some reason, when I was driving home I was trying to drive from the passenger seat and nobody was in the driver seat. Needless to say, the car was going all over the place. I woke up and thought to myself that my dream was telling me I am just a passenger in my own car and there is nobody to drive it but me and I am not taking control. It is time to take control.
  5. Nappyloxs
    Thanks, I needed to read your post.
  6. Nappyloxs
    Day 35 Tempted to break NC today, just to ask her to dinner or something. I am not going to, I am going to fight the urge and get my head together. If I still feel this way in a week than maybe (if I can last for a week). The minute someone advise me that it is okay to contact her, I always do. I am not going to this time. As much as I love her and want her back, I want it on my terms so to speak this time. I just want her to acknowledge that she screwed up too in the relationship and that she is sorry for it and will try to change in the future because she realizes she loves me. That is a lot to ask for I guess and just will forever be a dream
  7. Nappyloxs
    Today is day 30 something and start of football. It should be my day! I fell asleep and had another dream of her and I texting and talking. This is the second one this week. I hadn't really dreamed of her much during the last two months. I have had to wake up and check my phone to make sure I didn't contact her in my sleep. Luckily, I haven't.
  8. Nappyloxs
    I had another dream of you today. I will get use to that dreams will happen, but I know they will not come true when it comes to you. You screwed up. Yes, you will find many guys and have a great time living your life without me. One day though you will feel empty and alone. When that day comes you will understand what I meant about relationships and what love is. I would have always gave you everything I had. You couldn't do the same and that has become so clear now. You'll continue to be in unhealthy relationships and wonder where Mr. Right is. You had him in me and now you have lost me forever. That spell you had over me is gone. I see through the clouds and storm now. As much as I loved you with all my heart, we were wrong for each other. Good luck to you in the future, because you will need it to find someone who loved you like I did.
  9. Nappyloxs
    Day 32: I am over the hump and have been for some time. I have no desire to contact ex. Last night was a little scary though, I had one of those life-like dreams about the ex. (Rare) and though I texted her. I had to check my phone to make sure I didn't "sleep" text her. It felt so real. Luckily I didn't.
  10. Nappyloxs
    I was mistaken in my counting. Today is day 31!!!!!!!!!!! It has been over a month since I sent her my last email!!!!!!!!!!! And before then was about 30 days too!!! Only 1 attempt in almost 2 months!!!!! I was going to post about how I feel good this morning, but now I am so excited. I completed the challenge. This is the longest time I have went without communicating with her in 3 years despite our numerous breakups. Next goal is 90 days. So that will be November 8th. I know I can accomplish that. The last two months have flown by and so will the next two. Feels so good to finally accomplish this challenge after many failed attempts.
  11. Nappyloxs
    Two more days to 30!!!!!!!!!! Just have to remind myself the reality of the relationship. I really felt I missed her today and that I love her, but then I just simply wrote down what really happened in the relationship. Makes the pain go away real quick.
  12. Nappyloxs
    Well Day 28 went well. Thought of her, but decided I must move on again. I was going through the grieving stage the last week or so. Time to get back to focusing on me and moving on. Besides being sick, I had 3 women who I talked to today. I don't think anything will go far with any of the 3, but it is nice to know that not only one, but 3 women want to get to know me, enjoy talking to me, and find me attractive. A long time since I felt that way.
  13. Nappyloxs
    Day 27. Getting sick with a cold or something. Sucks, but it will probably keep my mind off of her. Decide I have been putting too much thought lately into her and her narcissism. I'd rather start focusing on me again. It's her problem now. Not mind. I have learned to watch out for women like her now and realized my co-dependency problem.
  14. Nappyloxs
    It upset me knowing how little you appreciated me and the relationship. I know if we were to discuss this, you would bring up that email from 2 years ago. I have done everything to show you that I loved you and that I wanted to be with you. I don't even think it was the email that broke us apart. You went looking for it. That should show something. Why do I even believe you even loved me over the last two years? All you did was push yourself away from me. You never cherished what we had. Only hated it.
  15. Nappyloxs
    DAy 26 Yeah I miss her. I know she was a Narcissist. I am tired of reading of about Narcs, because I know she matches it exactly. The image of my ex. is just a mirage. It is not real. I know that our relationship was not a real relationship. Just a sham. I feel like I suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. I still miss this image of her. Although the reality of the relationship was nothing but abuse. I know in my heart of hearts and mind that I do not want to deal with that again. I just want a happy loving relationship. My ex. told me once that she was better than all other women. Yes she was beautiful. Yes, she had a nice steady job making decent money. But why did she think she was better than all other women? She cleaned because she had OCD. She cooked occasionally because she enjoyed too. But there is more to a relationship than those two things. She did not hold conversations, especially intelligent conversations. She did not want to do anything I suggested. She was not supportive in any sense, emotional, financial, etc... She did not appreciate anything she had with me, neither the materials, the friendship or the relationship. I love her, but I know it is just an image, not real.
  16. Nappyloxs
    I still love you even though I see the reality of the relationship, through all the crap you put me through, and just knowing that you are not capable of loving me in the same way. I ask myself how do you love someone who has treated you so bad, who chose on more than one occasion to not be with me, who hasn't even attempted to contact me in almost 60 days. Am I a fool or is this love. I like to believe for some dumb reason that it is love, but I know the truth is that I am just fooling myself. You ran every time the relationship got tough. I stayed and fought. You ran every time you were mad, I stayed and forgave. Maybe my notion of love is stupidity. But I never gave up on you or the relationship. Now I sit here writing this message knowing that you will never see it. Knowing that I will never see you again, never speak to you again, never be with you again. It hurts, but I know deep down inside that there must be someone who loves me the way that I loved you.
  17. Nappyloxs
    Day 25 Randomly hooked up with a chick last night. I guess I am ready to date again. I wasn't thinking about ex. at all. However, I still rather be with ex. Ugh! For some reason, I have this b.s. feeling that we are meant to be and that we are on an extended break. But its false hope and a lie to myself. I did kind of check her FB the other day. Although it is private I went through her friends list to see if there were any new guys. There were like one or two, but I don't think that it was anything. 5 more days and I reach 30!!! Next goal will be 90, I am going to skip 60 and go straight for 90.
  18. Nappyloxs
    Day 24 Spent to much time thinking of her and doing reading on Narcissism. I realized some important things today. 1) She is never coming back, because she is incapable of it. 2) I am in love with an image. I know she has two sides and I love the one side, but because of her narcissism, she will never let me see that side again. 3) Our relationship was a sham the last 1.5 to 2 years. Besides just being an unhealthy relationship, it really is hard to call it a relationship compared to a real relationship. 4) I am a fool for still loving her.
  19. Nappyloxs
    Day 24. I hate thinking of her in the morning and before I go to sleep. Even though I hated her yesterday, I still ask God to watch over her. Last night, I read the email I wrote her last month after 20 somewhat days of NC and the month mark of our breakup. I left somethings out, but I am happy with what I wrote as my last contact with her. It's been almost two month since we broke up. Its that 6-8 week mark. This is when she is suppose to miss me. Yeah right. Well, I went through this last year around this time, so I should be and have been better this time around. But I do miss her. Just feels strange not having her in my life. But she I have to remind myself that she has changed and of all the crap she put me through. On a bright note, the girl I went out on a few dates with last week missed me. I didn't call or text her for a few days. But she texted me! And another girl I met online asked if still wanted to talk to her as I did not call her because she was on a two week vacation. So at least some girls are interested in me and thinking about me, even if its not the one I love.
  20. Nappyloxs
    Day 23 over. One more week to 30 days!!!!!!!! I have never gone 30 days without trying to initiate contact. I know its a week away and to take it one day at a time, but still just knowing I have come this far feels great.
  21. Nappyloxs
    I may miss you, but I refuse to attempt to win you back or contact you. I don't even know why I miss you. I think it is the co-dependency and having you in my life for the past 3 years. I know you are gone forever. I will most likely never hear from you again. And I am cool with that. After all the crap you put me through, I know that I deserve better. I never cheated on you, never abused you either physically, emotionally, or mentally, I never disrespected you. I know I will be successful, I don't count the pennies, and I know I am a wonderful boyfriend. You will be the one who is more hurt in the long run. Not me.
  22. Nappyloxs
    I realize now you cheated on me that last week of our relationship. I am not going to allow it to get to me. I make me hate you even more besides all the crap you put me through. What comes around goes around. When it happens to you, do not come crying back to me. I won't be there I promise. I was there for you for 3 years, but you were never there for me. I am done with you. It took me two months to see the signs, but now I have and I hate you. I will never be friends with you unlike my other ex. You were just evil to me, especially this last year and now that I know you cheated on me is just icing on the cake. Go rot in hell.
  23. Nappyloxs
    I have to vent a little. So I have had this thought that I have not allowed really to enter my mind. My ex cheated on me. The last week together, I had to go out of town from Thursday to Sat. On Tuesday and Wednesday, she made the excuse she was hanging out with her friend. (FYI, friend is 40 and cheats on her husband of 20 years). I remember trying to call ex. and she never answered. Would a gf/bf want to spend time with the other before they were going out of town, even if it was for a few days? She had also started recently go to two different outdoor workout groups where I know for a fact that she was checking out the guys. Just slowly putting things together, I really think now that she cheated on me that last week.
  24. Nappyloxs
    Start of Day 23. and I am already on ENA this morning. I will be okay today. I have been asking myself since yesterday what did I really love about her? I still can't answer it. I know I loved her, but don't know why. The things I use to love became all negatives. I don't understand how and why I still love her when I can't even answer why. I have been thinking of breaking NC by just simply saying hello. But I refuse to. I broke NC a million times before I am not doing it again. I know she wants to be single just by the way the relationship was at the end. I refuse break NC. It makes me a bit stronger every time I get the urge, but don't break it.
  25. Nappyloxs
    Day 22 Really rough day. Really missed her so much today. I can't exactly explain why, but I sure did miss her. No crying. Just looking at some old pics of her. Oh well, I know she has moved on and is never coming back. Every time phone rang, I wanted to believe it was her calling. But it will never happen again. On the bright side, I did get a call about a job offer. This should be great news, but I am waiting for the formal offer before I celebrate.
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