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lonesomeloser

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  1. lonesomeloser
    Day 6 after 14 I actually had a dream about her last night. I can't say I've ever had a dream about her, but last night I did. I guess cause I keep going back and forth on sending a xmas card. Man, it was soooo real. She was here. I heard her voice, it was her. I could smell her. I could feel her - it was her!! She was here. In my arms. Like nothing happened. For some reason her weight came up and I told her I didn't care - I love her for who she is. She said we haven't seen each other in 6 months (2 and a half in reality) and smiled... we just held each other and it was good. I hated waking up.
  2. lonesomeloser
    Day 5 after 14 Up and down. Was kinda hating her last night, thinking she used me, played me, ripped my heart out of my chest, stomped on it, picked it up, spit on it, then handed it back. But I looked into her eyes, the world disappeared (she said that too), she said she loved me so much... how could someone do that? Want to send a Xmas card. Wrote some stuff in one, then tore it up and threw it away. Still want to send one. My only xmas wish is to have her friendship back.
  3. lonesomeloser
    Hello. Just a friendly hello to my friend. And maybe a smile.
  4. lonesomeloser
    Day 4 after 14 I'm making that distinction because I did go 14 days completely NC aside from FB poking (which doesn't count in my opinion) and her 'liking' some of my posts on FB (I never responded to this). We are Long Distance, so FB is one of the few methods of communication. No phone calls, no texts, no emails. 14 days in she makes a post on something that I became a fan of saying "love this". So, I replied back in a very friendly manner. So, it was small, and subtle, but still contact. And I felt good about it. I still kinda feel good about it, but now I want more. I really want to initiate some kind of contact since she initiated the last. But I'm going to stick to the NC challenge. It has helped my heart palpitations, helped me heal, and may have started some kind of communication... I'm really NOT looking to get back together with her; I just want her friendship back.
  5. lonesomeloser
    Day 3 after 14 I just want to tell her that I'm still her friend. Why can't we be friends? I miss my friend.
  6. lonesomeloser
    Day 2 Went 14 days, she commented on my FB page and I replied, nothing heavy, just playful and friendly. Now I wish I hadn't. I was doing real good, but now I'm thinking about her a lot. This sucks.
  7. lonesomeloser
    hmmm... she commented on my latest FB post. And she must be stalking my page because the first comment she posted was for something that would have been 4 days ago (off the news feed by now). This is good. The lightest of light communication may be establishing itself, but this is twice in less than 24hrs that she has initiated a contact that she has avoided for over 17 days previously. Playing it cooler than cool on my side. Not going to even respond directly. Honestly, I just want to be her friend at this point. Nothing more. I lost that somewhere along the way and it hurt real bad, hurt more than losing her as a lover. Thank God I didn't send the text I almost sent the other day...ugh!!... that would have ruined everything I'm sure.
  8. lonesomeloser
    Day 1 Made it exactly 2 weeks. Then she made a simple comment on something I put on facebook, and I replied. Nothing major, nothing really... well, maybe a little sentimental. But honestly it feels good. It's good to hear from my friend again even if it was slightly manipulative on my part. Anyway, I replied, so back to NC.
  9. lonesomeloser
    Well, pretty sure NC is broken. I almost broke it today anyway. We've been kinda subtle with facebook posts (poking, her "liking" the stuff I put on there, etc). The other day I became a fan of something she does all the time. Tonight she commented on it saying "Love this!!" I replied with "lol... yeah, I do that all the time for some reason". So, yeah, I think that breaks NC? It actually feels good considering it is the first words I've heard or seen her type to me in 17 days (but who's counting). Oh, and then I "liked" her status update even though it said she just got back from a trip that we were supposed to take together. It's okay, I don't feel bad. I feel happy actually, and glad that I didn't send the text I almost sent earlier today. That does count as breaking NC doesn't it? I mean, it's not much, but it was something.
  10. lonesomeloser
    Stopped taking the anti-depressants today. And thought about contacting her a lot!! Was a slipped finger away from sending a simple text that said "friends?" but thought about what not getting a reply might do to me. I may need to get a refill...
  11. lonesomeloser
    2 Weeks Wow... Day 14. Lots of time to heal and reflect. I still miss her dearly. I still love her. But I think what I miss most is her friendship. Just someone to talk to, even without getting all emotional. I miss my friend, I feel like a part of me is dead. Oh, and avoid the Scorpions song "Still Loving You" at all costs. Lol...
  12. lonesomeloser
    Lucky 13 Yup, Day 13. Wow. Can't believe I made it this far. I really miss her though, but she's not in every single thought like she was. I don't wake up thinking about her, nor do I go to bed thinking about her. My heart is not palpitating as often as it was, though it still feels like it drops when I see her picture (I know, why am I looking at her picture? -- still Facebook friends... I'm not going to defriend her) I do think I am healing.
  13. lonesomeloser
    Day 12 Still thinking about her. Still want to say hello. Still want to say I hope all is well. Still need her to know that I'm not ignoring her... I miss her. I miss my friend.
  14. lonesomeloser
    Day 11 Wow. We had never gotten past day 5 previously, one of us would usually break NC, usually me. Honestly, I still want to reach out and say something... anything. I don't want her to feel as badly as she made me feel (how sick is that?)... Sticking to my guns. NC seems to be very successful for everyone. Gotta make it through xmas and New Years.
  15. lonesomeloser
    Day 10 Avoided all temptation to send a text thanks to ENA. She was tagged in a picture at an xmas party on FB today. You know, if I didn't love her I wouldn't even be attracted to her - she doesn't look well. Smiling, but it looks fake, appears to be putting on some weight too. But I still wish her well.
  16. lonesomeloser
    Thanks, you are both absolutely right. My head knows that, my heart won't accept it. I'm not sending it. In fact, I'm deleting it off my drafts in my phone now. Thanks for the encouragement milkandhoney and bishop2004.
  17. lonesomeloser
    Yeah, I read the loose cannon thread. That's what got me to edit the message - I removed a part where I say I'm sorry if I hurt you in any way. Thing is, I do want her to be happy and I do want to be her friend. But I see what you're saying; especially with the 2 middle sentences. Would it be so bad if I just sent the first and last sentences?: I know you deserve more than I can offer. I want you to be happy, and I want to be your friend. Still makes me sound needy huh? - Who cares what I want right?... damn... this is hard.
  18. lonesomeloser
    hmmm... reading that back the "I won't stop loving you" sounds stalker-ish. Maybe take out that part?
  19. lonesomeloser
    Day 9 It doesn't seem to be getting any easier. My heart is crying out for her. I've got a text ready to send in my Drafts in my phone. I've changed it a little after reading Siberia's thread - took out the apology (makes me sound weak). And we never really "broke up" per se, she just stopped responding to me. I guess that is breaking up, but it makes it worse - I'd have been better off if she said leave me alone, go away, go f*ck yourself, anything!!.... Anyway, here is the text I've got ready to send. Keep in mind, we haven't spoken since late October (she told me she loved me so much then): I know you deserve more than I can offer, and I want you to be happy. I won't stop loving you. I still feel a spiritual connection to you. I want to be your friend. I know I should stay NC, but for some reason I really really want to send that. Would it really be that bad to send that? Talk me out of it?
  20. lonesomeloser
    I know you deserve more than I can offer and I want you to be happy. But I can't stop loving you. I still feel a spiritual connection to you. I'm sorry if I've hurt you in any way. I'll always be your friend and I'll never forget you. After 8 days of NC I really really really want to text her that. I don't think I'd get a response but for some reason my heart is crying out for her today.
  21. lonesomeloser
    Day 8 I kinda feel like there is less than Light Contact going on. Yeah, it's the dreaded Facebook. We always "poke" each other. And she "likes" a lot of the stuff I put up there. And lately she has become a fan of some of the stuff I've become a fan of. Of course, not really contact, but very subtle you know? I don't know, I kinda like it. She obviously knows I exist even if she won't talk to me. I'm putting the fan thing to the test. I became a fan of a place that she and I went to when we first got together. We had so much fun there - great memories. If she becomes a fan of that then I think she is almost asking for me to say hi or something... yup - Facebook IS the Devil.
  22. lonesomeloser
    That's not contact, and yes you are overthinking things. I don't consider the facebook poke as contact - maybe it is, but I poke and get poked by a lot of people and don't even think twice about it. I actually like getting poked by her, to me it means she still knows I exist, which, sadly, is good enough for me right now. I really like it when she "likes" some of the stuff I put on there. I don't know, Facebook is the Devil.
  23. lonesomeloser
    Day 7 -- Wow... Never made it close to this far before. I sent a smiley face text to her on Thanksgiving. No response. That was a week ago. So, NC for a week. It's hard man, hard to lose a friend you know? She was my friend. I've known her since the 4th grade!! Now I'll never get to talk to her again? I don't get it..,,, We do "poke" each other on facebook, but I don't really think that means anything. I sooo want to reach out to her, but I;m pretty sure I would be ignored
  24. lonesomeloser
    DAY 6 -- Personal Best Never made it past Day 5. I'm still fighting myself to not text her a happy smiley or a 'thinking about you'. Helps immensely to find someone else to talk to. I think I can do this. Give me strength!!
  25. lonesomeloser
    Thanks brazilgirl. This is encouraging. Guess you never stop thinking about them though huh? Even though I know she doesn't think about me (that's kinda sad).
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