A PART OF ME DIED LAST NIGHT, Strange Encounter with the Ex

[SpeedingCars]

I know that cycle...

 

I have a WORSE cycle... at least he acknowledges your presense and the fact that you exist!

 

I say, go NC.

I'm sorry it feels like you're taking steps backwards.

About the "can't eat, can't sleep"... I 100% understand you on that. Seek therapy if you're open to it, they might help greatly. I myself haven't tried it, but it's an option I'm not closing off.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

If seeing him keeps setting you back, then you should stop seeing and contacting him. You need to give yourself time to heal and get over this and not keep re-opening the wound again. He truly sounds like he's done, and you keep hoping it is not true, but that won't make it happen. better to put your energies into getting past it rather than stirring it up again.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thank you so much for your advice.

The thing that i want to know is, why then, did he say to come and meet him? i dont understand. And his weird body language. Surely if he was over me he wouldnt be so weird around me??

 

There are any number of reasons he may have said to come meet him: He wants to be friends, he wanted to have more people to hang around with, he felt bad about saying that he didn't want to hang out with you unless your *new boyfriend* was there, etc. -- the list is endless. And the body language? Well, that's very subjective, but even if he was acting *weird* he may have just been really uncomfortable. This doesn't mean he's not *over* you -- it could mean that he just felt weird being around you knowing you still have feelings for him. I can't say for sure, of course, but I'm just cautioning you not to read too much into it. Instead, pay attention to the words he told your friend: I don't want her to get the wrong idea.

 

As for the text -- don't send it. I don't think there's really any need for explanation. Most likely, he figured out what was going on, and even if he didn't, I don't think that explaining it to him is really going to make a difference.

[browneyedgirl36]

This is very well said -- great advice.

 

If he wants you, he knows where to find you. Time to move forward. If eating and sleeping are problematic for you still, you definitely aren't in a good position to see this guy even as *friends.*

[browneyedgirl36]

I don't think it's as simple as that.

 

Ex's are confusing. Sometimes they don't even know what they want.

 

I agree, Ren, that sometimes they don't know what they want, but that's no reason for us to get caught up in their confusion and make ourselves crazy trying to interpret their signals. If the ex is confused, he needs to figure things out on his own, and if he does, and wants her back, then he'll try to get her back. At this point, though, he's made it clear that he doesn't want her to get the *wrong idea* which to me says that reconciliation is not in his plan. Who knows what the future will bring, but she shouldn't get her hopes up about him coming around.

[Hunny1607307342]

Update.

Apparently he didnt say the sentence " I don't want her to get the wrong idea".

 

I know you guys will kill me for this but i actually texted him asking him why he didnt speak to ME about our situation instead of talking ABout me to Julie.

And he seemed really confused, he said he never said such a thing because he knew I was dating. And that Julie must have 'missed the point'.

He said , "I thought it would be interesting to meet the guy".

 

i dont know if this remotely changes anything but, I'm just going to leave this situation alone because its drilling my head in.

[annie24]

ulk, no it changes nothing. and definitely, leave the situation alone!

[renaissancewoman101]

Conversation sounds kinda odd. It seems there was some miscommunication and words being put into people's mouths that weren't there before. Do you ever think that maybe your friend doesn't want you guys to get back together and thinks the relationship is bad for you?

[Batya33]

In my humble opinion going down that path of now analyzing what your friend thought and whether that impacted what she told you he said is a huge waste of time. I agree with Annie.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Update.

Apparently he didnt say the sentence " I don't want her to get the wrong idea".

 

I know you guys will kill me for this but i actually texted him asking him why he didnt speak to ME about our situation instead of talking ABout me to Julie.

And he seemed really confused, he said he never said such a thing because he knew I was dating. And that Julie must have 'missed the point'.

He said , "I thought it would be interesting to meet the guy".

 

i dont know if this remotely changes anything but, I'm just going to leave this situation alone because its drilling my head in.

 

Well, you don't really know what went on...maybe he did indeed tell this to her and told her not to say anything to you...she did so now he is trying to cover his butt. I think you really need to let this go...he is clearly not interested in you anymore otherwise he wouldn't be so keen to meet a guy you were dating. I really suggest that you stop beating this dead horse and just move on with your life.

[Daria_Lane]

First off please dont bother tryiong to "explain" anything to him, bad enough he took a casual invite to dinner with your froiend as a plan for you to try to snatch him back, you now trying to explain yourself will just make you look worse

 

Let it go.

 

I saw my ex yesterday and let's just say I now know to completely forgo any feelings I had left for him. He wasnt horrible or anything, it was just pretty obvious that things have changed and the little part of my brain where i thought he was wanted to get back together should be removed, he wanst a jerk or anything, but his actions made it clear that there wasnt anything there anymore.

[orchidrose]

Hunny, you're running around in circles here. You've gotten a ton of great advice on this post and your other posts and unfortunately you're not using it. We all know how hard it is to stop; we're all either going through what you're going through right now, or we have in the past. The bottom line is that you have to reach a point where you cut yourself off from him. Otherwise, it will be 2 or 3 years down the line and you'll still be in the exact same spot you are today: not living your life, contacting him way too much, and overanalyzing every little thing he says.

 

Please listen to what everybody is telling you here. You're driving yourself insane over absolutely nothing. He has never said that he wants to get back together. You've drawn yourself into thinking that everything he does has some sort of hidden meaning and, unfortunately, it doesn't seem like that's the case. Please find something else to hold your attention for awhile - a new hobby, going out with friends, whatever! As others have said, if eating and sleeping are still a problem for you at this point, things are a bit unhealthy. Even if he was knocking down your door for a date, you would be in no condition to be in a relationship with him or anyone else. You need to work on you now.

 

Please don't take all this the wrong way. I know how hard it is to just magically switch this kind of behavior off.. but you've gotta do it. It's tough love time.

[Artop]

I agree with every one here who said let it go. The ex could say this could say that, the only thing that means anything is "I want to get back together". Analyzing everthing he ever said/did will not sent you to reunion bliss, but rather to the psychiatirst's couch.

[langford]

personally I think he has the hots for Julie.

[Hunny1607307342]

Update.

 

He texted me at 2am last night saying "Please dont contact me anymore, i can't handle it, it's not pleasant anymore. No offence. Goodnight".

 

Ok, is it me, or are these not the words of someone who is not over the relationship? Surely he still has feelings for me for him to have said this? Before you say its because i have pestered him, thats not the case. He's texted me out of the blue as well before, and he always seemed interested to catch up on life. What is this? What's going on? I think i should give him some space and then tell him how i feel.

[Batya33]

Update.

 

He texted me at 2am last night saying "Please dont contact me anymore, i can't handle it, it's not pleasant anymore. No offence. Goodnight".

 

Ok, is it me, or are these not the words of someone who is not over the relationship? Surely he still has feelings for me for him to have said this? Before you say its because i have pestered him, thats not the case. He's texted me out of the blue as well before, and he always seemed interested to catch up on life. What is this? What's going on? I think i should give him some space and then tell him how i feel.

 

I think his words are very simple. He is asking you not to contact him. It could be because he is not over it but the point is he wants nothing more than to get over you -- and he knows (unlike you) that a great way to get over someone is to have space and distance from them. You are confusing "not being over it yet" with "he wants me back." Those are two very different things. A person who has told you to let him alone so he can get over you is not a person trying to work his way back to you. It is the exact opposite.

 

Or, alternatively, he is over it but the woman (or women) he plans on pursuing or dating would not be pleased to see that his ex is still contacting him so he wants to make sure he nips this problem - you contacting him - in the bud before it gets to be a real problem and interferes with his social life.

 

It would be very selfish of you and manipulative and needy/clingy to contact him again after this to tell him your feelings. Tell your feelings to a friend, to a journal, to the air - but please respect his wishes. I have been in his position and it is the worst feeling to have someone you dated not respect your wishes for no contact. And after a short while it feels creepy and stalker-like.

 

If he wants to hear your feelings he will contact you. If you care about him at all you will not contact him and you will stop trying to read into a clear request not to contact him something completely opposite.

[tushboy]

Update.

 

He texted me at 2am last night saying "Please dont contact me anymore, i can't handle it, it's not pleasant anymore. No offence. Goodnight".

 

Ok, is it me, or are these not the words of someone who is not over the relationship? Surely he still has feelings for me for him to have said this? Before you say its because i have pestered him, thats not the case. He's texted me out of the blue as well before, and he always seemed interested to catch up on life. What is this? What's going on? I think i should give him some space and then tell him how i feel.

 

Oh gawd...you are diggin yourself a HUGE HOLE here...trust me its time you backed off. And I mean TOTALLY...I've been in your shoes and lost a HUGE amount of credibility by pestering and constantly being in touch with my EX. I just drove him miles away....PLS listen to everyone here...just go cold turkey on him...give him all the space he needs...respect his feelings...he will really hold you in good light if you do what you ask him...and do it for YOURSELF also. You need to stop contacting him.

[Hunny1607307342]

Ok i will stop contacting him.

But listen , do you not think that it is a slight coincidence that as soon as he finds out about my 'boyfriend' , he suddenly cuts me off?

 

I think that's the reason. he doesn't have a girlfriend.

I'm going to leave him be for a while but I need to talk to him once he's had his air. It's not fair on me, I deserve an explanation for this. It's like being dumped all over again, except with no explanation.

[tushboy]

It's also time you stop analysis and over analysis about what he says or does, you are hunting for coincidences and reading too much in between the lines...This stuff will really push him to the point of no return..hear me clear and loud -- If you want ANY chance to reconcile with this guy you need to BACK OFF....and I mean totally back off..Give him breathing space, don't go hunting for answers you won't get...I know its tough all of us have been there done that...but you really need to back off. I can't tell you more than this from my personal experience..I learnt a lot, I realised too late that I had pushed him away with my obsessive texting and calls...Just respect his and your own space. Love.

[Batya33]

Ok i will stop contacting him.

But listen , do you not think that it is a slight coincidence that as soon as he finds out about my 'boyfriend' , he suddenly cuts me off?

 

I think that's the reason. he doesn't have a girlfriend.

I'm going to leave him be for a while but I need to talk to him once he's had his air. It's not fair on me, I deserve an explanation for this. It's like being dumped all over again, except with no explanation.

 

No, it is fair and you don't deserve an explanation - if someone doesn't want to talk to you and you are no longer together, please respect that. It's not suddenly cutting you off - you decided to keep in contact with an ex and you took the risk that he might decide that the contact was not comfortable for him any longer, at any time. You two are exes for a reason. He decided the time is now for whatever reason or no reason and he can keep that reason private if he cares to.

 

your post is all about you "I need" "it's not fair to me" - step back for a second and have some empathy and some caring. It's astonishing that this is a person you want back in your life but you're not even willing to respect his wishes -- you're just focused on your "needs" - last time I checked that is no way to treat another human being, much less someone you claim to care deeply about.

[Hunny1607307342]

I DO respect his needs, thats why i am not pestering him and i dont intend to reply to his text.

But dont you guys understand , i did not personally iniate contact. I was living my life respecting the fact he does not want to be with me, but he decided its okay for us to talk to each other again.

We started being friends over the past 2-3 weeks because he started being really comfortable about talking to me and he seemed to enjoy it. HE played a massive part in iniating contact.

And now HE is cutting the contact. Dont you understna,d its like HE has control over everything. He decides that we are allowed contact, it develops , and then when it suits him, he decides that we completely cut off contact again and back track three months.

 

And on top of all this, HE is the dumper. You'd think that this sort of behaviour and demand of control would belong to the dumpee who has no say in the fact that their heart was broken into pieces.

What decision have i made in this that is manipulative? I've only ever listened to him since the break up and gone alone with what he has said. He picks me up, puts me back down again, sends me mixed messages with no explanation. How can you then say that i am the one who doesn't spare his feelings?

And again i am going along with what he says.

I dont plan on txting him.

But this whole confusion has just gone too far, so im afraid in about a week or 2 i will have to ask him to meet to talk about things to figure out what went wrong. He should respect my wishes as much as i respect his.

[Batya33]

Gosh I feel sorry for your ex. Please leave the poor guy alone and stop rationalizing and justifying your self-centeredness and neediness. Talk to a friend or a counselor or a religious figure - whatever works to stop this harmful path you're on - harmful to yourself and to him.

[rapunzel]

OK Hunny... I am going to empathize with what you said about your ex having all of the control. Since he is the dumper it does seem that he has all the control. I felt the same way about my dumper when he started initiating contact with me and I DID give him the "control" as I was waiting (and hoping) to see if he was testing the waters for reconciliation. But my dumper only wanted to be friends and after a bit of murky contact over a period of a few months, I decided to take back the control and stop contact, other than for pure business reasons. So I am getting mySELF back by doing this.

 

You do not have ANY control over him, only over YOU and it is absolutely true what everyone is saying - you should stop all contact, get yourself together and heal from this. He has requested No Contact from you and you need to respect his wishes. So it feels like HE has all the control but actually now you are given a great gift - to take care of yourself. You actually NOW have the control to disappear, heal from this disappointment, work on yourself and on your art and move on with your life. Give yourself a goal of 30, and then 60 days and you will feel so much more EMPOWERED and proud of yourself.

 

You will only feel worse if you demand an explanation from him. You will most likely just feel rejected ALL over again. It will just dredge up all the bad feelings and continue the cycle. The most powerful and self-preserving thing you can do is STOP all contact and take care of yourself.

 

Journal positive affirmations about yourself and tell yourself in the mirror how wonderful you are every day. Practice gratitude for the good things you have in your life. Try to smile at everyone you meet and think about how much worse other people in the world have it. You can continue to love your ex in your heart but LET HIM GO to be whatever it is he wants to be. Don't read between the lines, take his words at FACE VALUE. He does not want contact.

 

Take care of yourSELF and in just a month or two you will feel SOOO much better. It's so worth it to leave this alone. OK, I'll stop now but listen to what everyone here is saying as we are speaking from EXPERIENCE. We've been there and what you want to do just DOES NOT WORK. Give your ex what he wants - SPACE - and MORE SPACE. Read this article:

 

link removed

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Hunny, the next step will be him filing a restraining order. seriously, he is telling you to leave him alone in no uncertain terms.

 

i think the problem is he tries to be friends, and you absolutely refuse to accept that the romantic relationship is over. he makes several passes trying to be friends, but each time he realizes you still aren't getting the fact that you're not dating, and he doesn't want to date.

 

What do you need to talk to him about again? He has broken up with you, and told you again and again not to have hopes and that he doesn't want to date. The problem is that you DO take every contact as a sign you are 'working on something', when you are not. And he knows this, and has realized that you will never be able to be just friends with him, so he is cutting it off.

 

I don't think he is sending you mixed messages, i think he was trying to be a friend, and you were trying to make him be your boyfriend again. I honestly don't think he can be any more clear than the things he's told you (that you told us). This is a man who does not want a romantic relationship, nor does he want you to think one is ever possible with him.

 

the truth is that it takes two people to be in a relationship, and if one person decides it is not for them, the other person has to accept it, whether they want to or not. i'm sorry your heart is broken to pieces, but that is the reality. You MUST accept this is over, and if you can't, please get professional counseling to help you see this. Your desire to have him 'explain' this is nothing than a desire to keep this thing going. And he DOESN'T have to keep doing this again and again if he doesn't want to. You don't own him, as much as you would like to. Please honey, get yourself help, and get a little of your dignity back, you will feel much better when you accept this and move on.

[Hunny1607307342]

I understand what you are saying and i wont contact him.

But i have to stress that i did not suggest in anyway to him that i want him back as a boyfriend. I've just been as friendly as he was when we started contacting each other.

His request to suddenly stop being my friend and was very out of the blue.

After the night we met up, he even said to Julie "I'm so glad everything went well, it wasn't awkward".

People have reasons for their decisions, you know. And me being clingy is not the reason he's done this,because i wasn't, at all.

It is rewarding not contacting him and begging him to know the reason for being dumped as a friend because im respecting what he wants. But most people need closure eventually. Oh well. I still think this is because he's not over me- I'm not saying this means he wants me back. I'm just saying he obvioulsy couldn't handle hearing about me dating. he used the words "its not pleasant anymore".

Okay anyway, NC it is.