A PART OF ME DIED LAST NIGHT, Strange Encounter with the Ex

[Clabs]

Hey Hunny

 

Darling, you need to put a lid on this and stop wondering and worrying what he is saying/doing.

 

You are right - the confusion HAS gone too far - but you are enabling the confusion by continuing to attempt to communicate with him to try to get answers to your questions.

 

You say he has total control but again, this is only because you allow it to happen. If you take the initiative here - stop trying to get answers from him - keep away from him and walk away with your pride intact. You control you and nobody else.

 

We all want what is best for you and if we thought it would be helpful to contact him, we would tell you that - but we don't because not only do we not think it would be helpful, we actually think it would be bad for you.

 

Mark

[Andy_2007]

Oh well. I still think this is because he's not over me- I'm not saying this means he wants me back. I'm just saying he obvioulsy couldn't handle hearing about me dating. he used the words "its not pleasant anymore

".

 

Good grief.

 

Sorry, but you're really twisting everything that's happening to fit into what you want the situation to be.

 

It's over. He dumped you. You won't be getting back together again. He doesn't want contact with you anymore. It's not pleasant for him to be in contact with an ex that is so obviously not over him yet.

 

It's so, so hard to accept that but you have to, otherwise you'll never get over this break-up.

 

Will it take finding out that he has a new girlfriend before you realise that your relationship is over? It's happened to me and so many others on ENA, and it might be the thing that shocks you into the reality of the situation.

 

You have to accept it's over and move on. Going NC helps with this. It's what he wants and what you need.

[annie24]

personally, i'd be so pissed off if a guy said that to me, there would be no way i would ever even consider speaking to him again!

 

i think he had the control because you gave it to him. you didn't have to accept him coming back into your life, if you weren't ready, you could have told him no. and i think that he's gotten the hint that you want him back as a bf, even if you never said the words - emotions, nuances, you probably did many things to hint that you wanted him back. in any case, that's not going to happen. i think moving on, going NC is the best thing you can do.

 

besides, he knows you don't have a 'bf'. julie told him that was a lie - that you are single. i think the 'it's not pleasant' anymore may have to do with having to continually turn you down, or rebuff your advances. haven't you ever had a male friend who just wouldn't get the hint that you're not interested? that's not a good position to be in.

[renaissancewoman101]

I do agree with the other posters, you should stay away from him and do NC since now he's come out and spelled it out for you that he wants you to stay away and stop contacting him. Let it go. I know it's hard. We have all been in your shoes. But letting go of contact will help you get over him.

 

I do have to say this though, most of the posters here have been nice, but give the poor lady a break too. She's suffering and some of you guys seem to be pounding on here and hinting that she's not caring and being selfish and self-centered. Remember, most of you guys have been in her shoes at one time or another, compassion is always a good thing.

[bronte]

I'm in a situation similar to yours, so I completely understand the place you're at right now--I don't have much to add to the good advice that you've received here, but wanted to offer my words of support. Try NC, and things will get better in time.

 

And remember, we only get one life--no matter how many great qualities your ex-bf has, you deserve to be in a relationship with someone smart enough to know that you are absolutely irresistible without having to be convinced of it. When you look at the person standing next to you, you want to know that they're there because there's nowhere else they'd rather be--not because you wore them down over time.

 

The best thing you can do right now for yourself is to surprise him by honoring his wishes.

[orchidrose]

I do have to say this though, most of the posters here have been nice, but give the poor lady a break too. She's suffering and some of you guys seem to be pounding on here and hinting that she's not caring and being selfish and self-centered. Remember, most of you guys have been in her shoes at one time or another, compassion is always a good thing.

 

I agree that a few of the replies have been a little nasty, but I think we're all trying to get a little tougher with Hunny because being pleasant doesn't seem to be working. Sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind. A lot of people on this board did the same thing to me, and it finally jolted me enough to make some good decisions.

[renaissancewoman101]

Aneffigy123, I do understand your point about how sometimes we have to be "tough" to get a point accross. But still, sometimes being a bit TOO critical and tough, we may make the poster really uncomfortable, shut down, and not come back on here for advice. Sad to say, I'm not sure what is the right thing to do. I've always been the one who gives advice in a loving, caring context.

[Hunny1607307342]

Dont worry about it guys, I'll go NC xxx

[diamond78]

Hunny,

 

I can understand your frustration.

 

I would be extremely annoyed if I got dumped, then on top of that have the guy start contacting me again only to turn around and "end" the friendship, as well! I can't lie...I would also want to know the reason why since it was so abrupt and all.

 

However, he has cut you out of his life twice...no need to hear anymore of his reasons/excuses. Don't give him the chance to do it a third time.

 

I think he is being the self-centered one here...I don't see him as a victim at all, but don't let yourself become one either. Accept his statement and move on.

[lady00]

Hunny,

 

Having been in your position several times, I understand what it's like. I think you are doing the right thing by doing NC. I think some of the posters have been way too harsh here. I don't think you are self-centered of anything like that. And I don't feel sorry for your ex--he choose to be in contact with you then decided he couldn't handle it. I don't think you've done anything wrong. I think he just got the impression you wanted more (you were probably sending out signals because of how you felt without realizing that you were sending them out) and he freaked out and decided to cut contact. I think you are hurting and thereforeeee not thinking as rationally as you could be--how can you--relationships are based on feelings, not rational thought. I've been there...and I felt like I was going nuts. You will be OK.

 

I will say this--I don't think talking to him after a period of NC is going to make you feel better. I think it would just bring you down more. Closure has to come from within when you accept that the relationship is not going to work out. What helps me is to construct a narrative that makes sense: I look at what the ex said when he was doing the breaking up and I try my best to believe it and take him at his word and then say to myself--well, he wasn't right for me and I think of all the reasons why. The primary reason is always that he didn't want me--so how could he have been right for me? I think over time that thinking will begin to really set in and you will start to believe it. Then at one point when you've fully let him go, you'll wake up to a new you who is not bogged down by all the negativity and pain associated with the breakup. Right now, unfortunately, there is no way to speed up the process. You have some control over it but your control is limited. You have to feel the emotions that come with it...go through them and come out on the other side a stronger person with lessons learned and your head held high.

 

Good luck. And take care of yourself.

[Daria_Lane]

personally, i'd be so pissed off if a guy said that to me, there would be no way i would ever even consider speaking to him again!

.

 

 

Exactly. I personally found that text embarrassing

[renaissancewoman101]

It's hard to let go of things, even things that aren't good for you.

 

I also found your ex to be cruel and harsh. He didn't have to do what he did.

[zamboa]

Its hard....I am like you and analyze everything my ex says and does. He told me yesterday he is sad about us splitting.....I instantly felt like maybe he feels remose for his verbal abuse. In reality I know deep down he will never want to be with me again...when he is done he is done.

 

I think the best for you is to just not talk to him at all...It is just opening up an old wound. Let yourself heal...and move on. You deserve someone who wants to be with you. Take Care!

[lady00]

I also found your ex to be cruel and harsh. He didn't have to do what he did.

 

I agree. I didn't get the impression that you were in any way hounding him or harassing him. He decided the contact was OK and he was friendly and then suddenly freaked out and send a cold text. If he didn't want contact, he didn't have to react in that way...he could have just not gone out of his way to hang out with you.

 

Hunny, you will be OK. Take care of yourself right now. Try to pamper yourself a bit if at all possible. I don't think contacting him in the future will help you, though. I think with time, and with NC, you will feel much better about this situation.

[Hunny1607307342]

Thanks guys. its nice to know some people empathise..

its his birthday tomorrow though, and im not really sure what to do. i'd hate to give the impression that i didnt remember. but i hate to smother him by texting him when hes asked me not to.

how about just a quick 'happy birthday!!'. should be fine right?

[lady00]

how about just a quick 'happy birthday!!'. should be fine right?

 

No, please don't do this! He asked for no contact. If he's sad if you don't say happy birthday, too bad for him...he made his bed, now he has to lie in it. Don't give in to temptation. There are whole threads about people struggling with this--it's such a hard thing--but you have to fight the urge. Do not contact him! Keep posting here instead!

[diamond78]

Thanks guys. its nice to know some people empathise..

its his birthday tomorrow though, and im not really sure what to do. i'd hate to give the impression that i didnt remember. but i hate to smother him by texting him when hes asked me not to.

how about just a quick 'happy birthday!!'. should be fine right?

 

 

Hell no!! lol

 

 

Oh well, so sad for him if you don't text him on his birthday. I'm sure he realized his birthday was tomorrow when he sent you that text at 2am.

 

He has asked you to do nothing and that is exactly what you should do...NOTHING.

[Hunny1607307342]

haha i know, i just hate this negative energy between us.

it makes it harder to move on in a sense. because the thought of what kind of terms we are on makes me feel sick.

also last year i sort of forgot his birthday (i know really bad right) and i dont want him to have that impression of me again. the one who always forget his birthday.

[lady00]

haha i know, i just hate this negative energy between us.

it makes it harder to move on in a sense. because the thought of what kind of terms we are on makes me feel sick.

also last year i sort of forgot his birthday (i know really bad right) and i dont want him to have that impression of me again. the one who always forget his birthday.

 

I doubt he'll have that impression. Forgive yourself for the last time and realize that this time is different. He has told you not to contact him. If he doesn't get a birthday text or call or email, he should know that that is his own doing. You're just respecting what he pretty harshly and coldly demanded in his text. He's not worth a happy birthday from you if he told you he doesn't even want to hear anything from you.

 

If he comes away thinking you're the one who always forgets his birthday then he's frankly nuts. I don't think he will though. I think he'll realized he asked for this and so he's getting absolutely nothing from you.

[diamond78]

haha i know, i just hate this negative energy between us.

it makes it harder to move on in a sense. because the thought of what kind of terms we are on makes me feel sick.

also last year i sort of forgot his birthday (i know really bad right) and i dont want him to have that impression of me again. the one who always forget his birthday.

 

 

I know it's hard to leave things on a sour note, but that is of his own doing not yours. Remember that...

[Batya33]

I do agree with the other posters, you should stay away from him and do NC since now he's come out and spelled it out for you that he wants you to stay away and stop contacting him. Let it go. I know it's hard. We have all been in your shoes. But letting go of contact will help you get over him.

 

I do have to say this though, most of the posters here have been nice, but give the poor lady a break too. She's suffering and some of you guys seem to be pounding on here and hinting that she's not caring and being selfish and self-centered. Remember, most of you guys have been in her shoes at one time or another, compassion is always a good thing.

 

I'm not hinting. I think it would be selfish and uncaring behavior to continue to text him or be in contact when he has asked to be left alone. That doesn't mean I don't have compassion - I do, and I have been there - but having compassion doesn't mean I'm going to yes her and tell her it's ok to contact this guy. That wouldn't be helpful.

[renaissancewoman101]

Batya, I never did say you did or didn't have compassion. I pointed out that she didn't deserve to be lectured on what to and not to do. I am not saying she should continue contacting the guy, but to understand where she is coming from.

[Batya33]

I do understand where she is coming from and I also understand where he is coming from. She continued during this thread to rationalize why she should disrespect his wishes and that required a stronger and more direct response since clearly she wanted to twist the situation to justify contacting him.

[lady00]

Hunny, how's it going? I hope you're feeling at least a bit stronger/better...but I realize this is going to take time. Hang in there and don't contact him. You've got a lot of support here so I hope that you post here whenever you get the urge to contact him.

[annie24]

Thanks guys. its nice to know some people empathise..

its his birthday tomorrow though, and im not really sure what to do. i'd hate to give the impression that i didnt remember. but i hate to smother him by texting him when hes asked me not to.

how about just a quick 'happy birthday!!'. should be fine right?

 

no, i would not, especially not after he has asked for no contact. blah. no way.