Hunny1607307342 Posted March 16, 2008 Author Share Posted March 16, 2008 Thank you! normally i have him blocked but just thought once in a while i'll unblock him to see if he ever talks. and he did i was so surprised. but you are right of course, no expectations or anything like that. its too stressful to have expectations! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 Rapunzel, why did you see it as being wrong for her to let the conversation last as long as two hours? I would see that as a positive thing. I wouldn't give someone who broke up with me the privilege of a two hour conversation unless within the first 10-15 minutes he said "we need to talk by phone or in person because I want to get back together with you." Also there is no way i would want to give the impression to someone who dumped me that I had two hours to spend chit chatting because obviously i would be moving on with my life, getting ready to go to the gym, meet friends, read a good book or pair my socks - all far more important than idle chit chat with someone who dumped me and hadn't asked to reconcile. I agree with rapunzel on how to think of the conversation. Link to comment
Hunny1607307342 Posted March 16, 2008 Author Share Posted March 16, 2008 yeah but its cool its only a sunday afternoon and i said i was going to the gym later but other than that was having a pretty chilled day. i know what you mean, its not exactly 'The Rules' style behaviour, but the conversation just got too interesting to leave it ! Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 I wouldn't give someone who broke up with me the privilege of a two hour conversation unless within the first 10-15 minutes he said "we need to talk by phone or in person because I want to get back together with you." Also there is no way i would want to give the impression to someone who dumped me that I had two hours to spend chit chatting because obviously i would be moving on with my life, getting ready to go to the gym, meet friends, read a good book or pair my socks - all far more important than idle chit chat with someone who dumped me and hadn't asked to reconcile. I agree with rapunzel on how to think of the conversation. i agree - i don't even have 2 hours to talk with my family. i wouldn't give an ex that just broke up with me 2 hours of my time. even guys i am dating, i don't talk on the phone with them for more than 10 minutes, just the amount of time to schedule a date with. i agree that there are better things to do with 2 hours than talk to a guy who just ripped your heart out. even the socks pairing sounds better! i agree with not reading anything into it. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 yeah but its cool its only a sunday afternoon and i said i was going to the gym later but other than that was having a pretty chilled day. i know what you mean, its not exactly 'The Rules' style behaviour, but the conversation just got too interesting to leave it ! i don't know what you're referring to as "Rules" - i was just referring to self respect and how I treat myself - nothing to do in particular with dating - I would do the same with a friend who had treated me badly/rejected me. It's cool to prioritize "but it was interesting" over the benefits of keeping your distance so you can move on and/or give him a chance to miss you and see what life is like without you. Those are your priorities and you are entitled to them - as long as you accept the downside of that choice which you seem to be rationalizing away. Good luck. Link to comment
Hope_Springs_Eternal Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 bet you felt good when he messaged you! batya's right..2hrs is too long. you have to leave him wanting more not wait till the conversations exhausted. Next time (and I think there will be a next time) limit it to about 10 or 15 minutes and i think if you want this guy back there is a chance. it seems to be flying in the face of other opinions to say that on this thread, and I dont want to give you any false hope at all but i really do think he's making contact because he's having 2nd thoughts about breaking off with you. anyway, whatever you decide to do, good luck xxx Link to comment
langford Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 I have exp in this matter - he is bored noone else is on,so he talked to you it took him a full half hr to even say hi.The flirty comment is common in guys that want to see if they can continue sleepng with their exes.He is not dating anyone,bored and probably hasnt had sex in awhile this is when the ex starts looking good. Link to comment
langford Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 I wouldn't give someone who broke up with me the privilege of a two hour conversation unless within the first 10-15 minutes he said "we need to talk by phone or in person because I want to get back together with you." Also there is no way i would want to give the impression to someone who dumped me that I had two hours to spend chit chatting because obviously i would be moving on with my life, getting ready to go to the gym, meet friends, read a good book or pair my socks - all far more important than idle chit chat with someone who dumped me and hadn't asked to reconcile. I agree with rapunzel on how to think of the conversation. I agree with batya,im writing this down for future reference - it speaks volumes on self respect. Link to comment
Hope_Springs_Eternal Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 hhmmm..what langford said makes a lot of sense. when I posted I was thinking that the half hour he waited was to see if you messaged him first, but langford has made me look at it from a different angle. Link to comment
Hunny1607307342 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Share Posted March 17, 2008 I think he was waiting to see if he was messaging me first; to be honest langford, he's not really the type to disrespect girls especially not me of all girls. im 100% sure what happened has nothing to do with sex. maybe he was just generally bored though, i wont rule it out completely. but why would you want to talk to your ex when you are bored? surely its much easier to just switch on the tv. im not saying im reading something into this conversation meaning he wants to get back with me- i dont think he does. im not saying the coversation meant something significant, but i dont think it meant nothing at all... Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 I agree with the others who said not to read too much into this conversation. Personally, I found that conversation frustrating -- he keeps saying he's dating, then he's not, then he is, then he's not -- it just seems like a lot of game-playing. He seems to be trying to get some sort of reaction from you -- a bit immature. From my personal experience, just because an ex talks to you for a long time online, it doesn't necessarily mean he wants to start things up again; mine contacted me frequently online, (as well as via text and e-mail), and it didn't end up amounting to anything. He ended up going back to an ex that he was with before me. He was just being "friendly." This is not to say that every situation is the same, but that you should avoid getting too hopeful about this conversation. Also, I agree with those who said that the two-hour conversation was too long. I don't advocate game-playing, but giving that much time to an ex (one who broke up with you) says "I don't have much going on right now, so I have plenty of time to sit here and talk with you." Even if you have nothing else to do, find something to do, and tell him," Well, it's been nice talking to you, but I have to go." It's important for him to see that you have other things to do, other things on your mind, besides him. This is not a "tactic" to get him back, but a way to keep your dignity and help you to move on. I know from personal experience what it feels like like to get caught up in a push-pull loop with my ex -- it was HELL, and it left me feeling profoundly disappointed, sad, disillusioned, and resentful. But, in the end, I have to take responsibililty for my own actions -- yes, he contacted me 90% of the time, initiated meetings, etc., but I chose to go with it even when the months dragged on and he still wasn't talking reconciliation. I allowed myself to get caught up in the fact that he was contacting me frequently, was really friendly, wanted to see me, etc. I have learned a lot from this experience, for sure. Good luck! Link to comment
Hunny1607307342 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Share Posted March 17, 2008 thanks for your advice , i appreciate it, i dont want to get caught up in getting my hopes up you are right. xx Link to comment
Hunny1607307342 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Share Posted March 17, 2008 just one other thing though, he said he kept pretending he's dating someone to try and get the truth out of me to figure out if I am seeing anyone. Seems like quite a lot of effort to go through just to figure out if i am seeing someone. Why does he want to know so badly? am i reading too much into this? Link to comment
Hope_Springs_Eternal Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 yes hunny, thinking about it, it doesnt matter if you were the last girl on MSN, well the only person showing on his list anyway, if he didnt want to speak to you he wouldnt. and he definitely wouldnt have spent 2hrs chatting with someone no matter how bored he was IMO Link to comment
Hope_Springs_Eternal Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 ermmm not sure what that face is was meant to be a smiley lol Link to comment
Hunny1607307342 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Share Posted March 17, 2008 haha ok cool i agree still want to reassure other posters i dont have the wrong idea, not getting hopes up! im just glad he still cares this much Link to comment
lady00 Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 im just glad he still cares this much Can I ask why? Link to comment
Hunny1607307342 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Share Posted March 17, 2008 you dont really need to ask i mean I think anyone would be glad if the ex who theyd wanted back for so long still cared. If he didnt care i'd feel like my relationship with him would have been worth a lot less. i still care so much, so i'd want him to aswell. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 Hunny, you keep saying you are not getting your hopes up but it is clear that you are. When you no longer have your hopes up, you are neutral when they contact you...not flying high like you are now and asking what it means when he says this or does that. I agree with browneyedgirl that his conversation was push-pull and childish. He was trying to provoke a reaction out of you quite possibly simply to get his ego stroked. If he really wanted to be with you he would have made that conversation serious, not flirty and frivolous. I agree with the others that you should not spend 2 hours talking to him if there is no talk about reconciliation. Liking you and flirting with you is not the same as getting back together with you. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 If you'd be happy knowing he cares about you a lot but he doesn't want to date you and he wants to date other women and meet another woman to be serious with then my answer might be a little different, meaning that I might respond "perhaps he spent 2 hours IMing with you because he misses you and cares about you." But it's obvious to me that you don't just want him to care about you, you want him to want to be your boyfriend. He hasn't asked you to be his girlfriend again - and hours of chit chat doesn't change that. It's possible he still cares about you, it's possible he misses you. But chit chatting for 2 hours will not allow him to experience life without you, to see if he misses you so much that he wants you back, exclusively and wants to work things out. You're making the classic mistake of thinking that by staying in contact with him he will realize the error of his ways. It's precisely the opposite - by doing this he gets the benefit of being in contact with you when he feels like it, gets to have you as a confidante, someone to chat with - he never has to experience life without you. There is no reason for him to even consider getting back together with you if you are right there whenever he feels like chatting with you. I am not saying he will want you back if you distance yourself but he most certainly won't be motivated if you're this available. He needs to see what it's like to miss you and you're prioritizing your insecurity (If I don't let him be in contact with me he will forget about me) over the restraint you need to see if giving him space will allow him to perhaps reconsider his decision. Link to comment
Hunny1607307342 Posted March 18, 2008 Author Share Posted March 18, 2008 i know what you mean, BUT you lot always seem to take what i say to the extreme. Just because this conversation has gotten me happy it does NOT mean im soaring high and anchoring hopes for sudden reconciliation. And NOR does it mean im starting to contact him again. Like I already said, after the events of the other week , i do not plan to initiate any contact. I'll respond to his rare occasions of wanting to contact me, but never to initiate. Just because we chit chatted for 2 hours it doesn't mean i expect for it to happen again- i've actually blocked him again on msn- so if he really wants to contact me he's going to have to try harder than just IMing me because im conveniently online. Do you see what I'm saying? I acutally don't expect to talk to him for another month or so. And that does not bother me. I dont see us getting back together any time soon at all. I am happy with light airy friendship. Im not going to lie, the sense of finality is something which i have not reached yet because i still would be very upset if something happened which indicated there is NEVER going to be another chance for us ONE day in the future- e.g. if i heard he was dating. But most ex's would be very upset at the thought of this- even he would be hurt if he heard i had a boyfriend (as i have already seen). The fact that he hasn't been dating,and is NOT interested in seeing other women means i mattered to him as much as he mattered to me. And thats a nice thought. so what is so bad about feeling content right now? theres no need for all this negativity, if you catch my drift. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 I'm not being negative, just realistic and more objective than you (since it's not my ego/hopes on the line here), but if it makes you feel better to think I am, more power to you. I just think you're lying to yourself and in denial about what you really want from this person and lying to yourself about your motives for staying in touch. I'm not taking what you wrote to extremes but again, if you want to put that spin on my opinion so you can dismiss it and give yourself an excuse to chit chat with your ex and pretend that this is a positive thing for you, cool. Whatever works for you. Good luck! Link to comment
Hunny1607307342 Posted March 18, 2008 Author Share Posted March 18, 2008 Maybe negative was a strong word- im just trying to get my point accross that you shouldnt just assume im now going to be contacting him because of what happened, and make classic dumpee mistakes of being contactable. what happened was just a one off. yes i do stil have feelings for him, but no i am definitely not going to act upon them. i am very glad we are on good terms and im happy to leave it at that. i've blocked him on msn, im leaving him be and whatever happens happens. my frame of mind may cause me to get hurt but it may not- but thats the same with most things in life. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 Yes, there is risk in everything - I agree - but just because there is risk in everything doesn't make it invalid to balance risk against benefit in individual situations. In this particular situation you described, it seemed to me that it wasn't worth the high risk of getting hurt again by your ex for the benefit of chit chatting on IM. You have a different opinion. My guess is, from all your actions you've described - that you will block him for a day or so - maybe a week on the outside - and then find a reason to unblock him. We just disagree on whether it's worth the risk, and as to whether you're being completely honest with yourself about what you want out of this. No worries, and good luck. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 It is not that we are negative...it is that we are realistic about the situation. Although you may have accepted that reconciliation won't happen quickly, you have not accepted the fact that it may never happen. You are looking at his contact with you as the fact that he cares about you and that down the road there will be a reconciliation. He may care about you...he may not be dating anyone at the moment, but that doesn't necessarily mean there will even be reconciliation down the road..even if he is not dating anyone down the road. Even if he starts dating someone, that doesn't mean there will never be reconciliation with you. My point is that there are no definitive answers either way...nobody can predict the future. The best course of action in a breakup is to accept that it is over, now and forever...no hope, nothing. You have to let go of it completely in order to heal. Only time will tell if there is to be a reconciliation or not...but holding out hope because he calls or because he is upset if you date someone or because he himself is not dating, will get you nowhere because it is not an accurate predictor of the future. Link to comment
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