A PART OF ME DIED LAST NIGHT, Strange Encounter with the Ex

[Hunny1607307342]

Hi all

Recently the ex started to show interest in wanting to be my friend again.

He began texting me randomly.

Calling me randomly.

Suggesting very casually we could hang out in the evenings.

 

I had no expectations but i was just so pleased to have this familiarity and friendliness with the person i loved so much. I knew he didnt have a girlfriend, though.

 

Ok, So, here's the pivotal tremor that occurred last night -

 

In the morning, he (lets call him *Jack) texted me telling me my favourite shows were on TV and asked me what i'm doing in the evening. I was meeting a girl *Julie (who he knows too) so i suggested , very very casually, that he can come along too with some friends if he's in the mood for it.

 

He didn't reply. Later towards the evening, Julie called me saying-

"I just spoke to Jack, he said he's not sure if he should come because he doesn't want to give you the wrong idea".

 

I wanted to drop dead when i heard this. It was the worst thing I've heard in a very very long time.

 

So then she said, "don't worry, I told him you have a boyfriend, that you're going out with this guy *Ben. (-this is a lie, I fancy Ben but that's it-). And then he said that he'll only come if Ben is there".

 

 

I was OUTRAGED. So me and Julie went to dinner alone and I was just so tense and annoyed at what had happened. An hour later, Jack texted Julie saying "Come to the bar in... for drinks".

So we went. I was eager to go because I wanted to show him that I do NOT get the wrong idea when we hang out.

 

 

So we sat and at first it was awkward. Jack was avoiding eye contact with me at all costs, and everytime we spoke i sensed that he found it uncomfortable to look at my face. He would look down at the table.

He didn't talk to me much, mainly talked to Julie.

The only times he did direct conversation at me was when he wanted to mention my boyfriend and find out about him- "soo you're boyfriend Ben eh "

"Whats going on there then haha wink wink "

And things like that.

Towards the end of the night he mentioned my 'boyfriend' again, and this time i acutally responded saying "haha he's not my boyfriendd" and then Julie was like 'She's single'.

 

Jack must have been very confused. He did not say anything in response.

 

 

 

The whole experience was overwhelming and depressing. I was shocked that all the so called "progress" i thought I was making had meant nothing.

Furthermore, I thought he would always love me and have feelings for me no matter what.

I know i said i had no expectations, but nevertheless, i did think that at the back of my mind he was still in love with me but just chose to supress his feelings just as i supress mine.

I just want to die right now i haven't felt this low since the break up 5 months ago.

 

Help? Advice? opinions? would be greatly appreciated xxx

also I'm contemplating messaging him to clarify that i dont have a boyfriend but just that I really like Ben a lot and so julie was mistaken and had exaggerated and also that i was just simply a bit distresed he thought i would have gotten the wrong idea if we were to be friends.

[GizMo567]

...This is why it's a very very bad idea to see your ex. The only thing that usually comes of it is more pain and hurt because 98% of the time they don't want to get back together and the awkwardness never goes away. I know it's hard - but try to go back to NC and never see him again. I really do hope that the pain in your heart subsides after this encounter with him.

[Hunny1607307342]

Thanks for the advice. I will do so, but what do you think of the message I am going to send him about the boyfriend situation etc.? And do you think he has still could have feelings for me and am I being too negative? Maybe

[GizMo567]

I don't really think you should hold onto that one. Just let it go and don't try to text or anything about the boyfriend situation. Just let it be. i know it hurts but if he really wanted to be with you - he would have told you so right? I know it's hard because we all try to hold on to hope that they will come back to us (believe me..i do know this very well..](*,)) but you have to realize that if he didn't come out and say it - he probably doesn't. Stay strong and try to let your heart heal. My inbox is always open if you need someone to talk to. Stay strong.

[tushboy]

I really understand your situation...I have been thru similar situations in the past....But you know what this over analysis makes it terrible...its better to just let go and not think about the message your behaviour would have hinted...Just go back to NC and let the healing continue.

[tikkii]

Know how you feel too.

I walked out on my ex weeks ago, came back to the country I'm from. It was all his fault why I left but ever since it's been texts about my favourite programs, things belonging to me in the house etc. It's almost like he's going out of his way to upset me.

 

My friends have given me the best advice... don't reply.. don't take the calls and just cut all ties

[rapunzel]

I agree with the others Hunny. I had a similar situation with my ex when he was trying to spend time with me post break up. We did spend time together. He gave me mixed messages but the bottom line is that he was already indicating that he did not want to lead me on and give me the wrong idea.

 

And I did this same thing with the guy that I broke up with. I wanted to hang out with him but also did not want to lead him on and give him the wrong idea.

 

So just pay attention to the "not wanting to give you the wrong idea" part. And your ex's body language was QUITE clear. That's all you need to know. So leave it alone, do not contact your ex to explain about Ben. Just let it rest and it will all work itself out. Since you are feeling so depressed about this, it is clear you still have strong feelings for your ex.

 

It is really hard but the best thing is to have no contact with your ex, do not call, email, etc. until you are over him completely. I tried to fool myself that I could be "friends" with my ex, with the ulterior motive that he would see what he was missing but it didn't work. You were still hoping your ex was still in love with you. That's what we all hope and if it's true, then your ex will let you know and there will be no question what his intentions are.

[Hunny1607307342]

Thank you so much for your advice.

The thing that i want to know is, why then, did he say to come and meet him? i dont understand. And his weird body language. Surely if he was over me he wouldnt be so weird around me??

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You said you had no expectations but you actually did...that is why you were anxious to have him come to your art exhibit...why you were disappointed all evening that he didn't come and how a simple note from him on why he couldn't come had you so excited and over the moon. You want him back and you always wanted him back...that is a normal feeling amongst dumpees...what is crucial is how the dumpee chooses to deal with those normal feelings..basically the important thing is to accept that you will feel that way but understand that those are just feelings...the actions have to be acceptance that the relationship is over unless the dumper actually spells out that he wants to try again. He remained in touch and sent mixed messages that can easily be interpreted one way or the other, that is typical behaviour of dumpers...they really just don't get it and are looking at their own selfish needs...typically they want your friendship so that they don't have to feel guilty about dumping you. I think that what he did...calling your friend to say he hopes you don't get the wrong idea...is totally insulting and classless. He could have told you that himself. Your friend was also wrong for making up a lie about you having a boyfriend...although she did it with the best of intentions...your ex really placed her in an awkward situation. Do not explain anything to your ex...let it go and stop contacting him. Also, if he contacts you I would suggest you keep the contact at a minimum. He has made it clear he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you so accept it and heal from the disappointment.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Thank you so much for your advice.

The thing that i want to know is, why then, did he say to come and meet him? i dont understand. And his weird body language. Surely if he was over me he wouldnt be so weird around me??

 

It doesn't matter...what matters is that he says he doesn't want a relationship with you and tried to avoid the situation. Don't over-analyze things to make yourself feel better that he cares. None of that is relevant. Even if he does care he is still telling you that he doesn't want to be with you. Caring is irrelevant if it is not backed up with the relationship.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

When things are this awkward after a breakup, it is obvious that even friendship is out of the question.

 

The good news about this is now you know where you really stand and can take action to move on... he DOESN'T want to get back together, and doesn't want to give you false hopes or encourage you to think you will get together in any way.

 

He was probably very uncomfortable because he walked in and realized he had been lied to, that he was told your 'boyfriend' would be there, in fact said he would only come if your boyfriend was there, and then... no boyfriend! he probably felt set up and like he was tricked into thinking this was a 'just friends' situation. So his discomfort was more about being lied to than anything else, and fear that this was a set up to allow you to try to 'work on him' to get him back when he very clearly doesn't want to do that.

 

You need to let it go. He's been very clear that he doesn't want to date you, and trying to be friends just won't work if you are still pining for him. You need to focus on getting over this, and meeting new guys.

[Batya33]

Unless he says "I want to get back together" - he doesn't - grasping at straws - body language, texts, etc - is a waste of your time and emotional energy. He wants to be friends, he might want to flirt when the mood strikes him but it is very clear that he has no intention right now of dating you or getting back together.

 

That could change tomorrow because anything is possible but you cannot live your life on the possibility that he might change his mind - you have to have the mindset "if he wanted me back, he would tell me that clearly because he would never want to risk my misunderstanding his intentions and my meeting someone else in the meanwhile."

 

Stop playing with fire by keeping in contact - it's very disrespectful to yourself and gives you a great excuse to extend the "healing" period rather than moving on.

[Hunny1607307342]

Thanks guys. I guess you're right.

But BeStrongBeHappy, that;s the thing, Julie TOLD him that my 'boyfriend' WASNT coming. An hour later, he said he wanted to meet us regardless of that.

 

He didnt feel lied to or anything.

 

He is a very very stubborn person. I know he doesn't want to be with me, or else he would have said so as every has said, but im trying to figure out why he is like this. I dont understand. If he is over me then why the weird composure. And if he's not then why is he backing away from the slight chance of reconciliation.

[Batya33]

The answer is simple - there would be no questions if you stopped playing with fire and staying in contact with someone you want back who does not want you back.

[renaissancewoman101]

I don't think it's as simple as that.

 

Ex's are confusing. Sometimes they don't even know what they want.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

But you said he said this: 'And then he said that he'll only come if Ben is there.'

 

He wanted to use your (fictional) boyfriend as a 'shield' to stop you from thinking the meeting was something more than just casual friends.

 

You are reading a lot into his 'weird composure'... that may be that he came and was thinking, 'this is a bad idea' and was just trying to hold it together.

 

i think you want really really badly for this to NOT be over, so you are grasping onto anything that might point in the direction that it isn't. He's openly said he doesn't want you to get any wrong ideas about contact, and he is very awkward around you.

 

i think what he will start doing is refusing to see you at all. please don't go there, just move on. people turn themselves into pretzels trying to look for any signs of hope, but sometimes it just isn't there, i'm sorry.

 

it is very easy for him to pick up the phone and ask for a date, if a date is what he wants. remember that, and don't assume he wants to be with you again unless that happens. meanwhile, start getting out and looking for someone new and don't waste your life chasing after someone who says he doesn't want to date you.

[Batya33]

Nothing is confusing if you decide to treat yourself with respect and, if you want an ex who ended things back in your life romantically you keep your distance until and unless the ex expresses to you directly that he wants you back in that way too. then it's impossible for there to be confusion because unless he wants you back and makes that 100% clear there will be no contact and you will care enough about yourself to end any contact other than "I want to get back together" (and even then the contact will be limited to the situation where you are still interested and available).

 

the confusion happens only when a person decides to treat themselves poorly by opening themselves up to more hurt by staying in contact in the limbo phase. Then it is the person's choice to subject himself or herself to "confusion" in the form of analyzing and over analyzing texts, body language, phone calls, emails, glances, sneezes, whatever.

[Hunny1607307342]

ok i'll go NC but

regardless of my situation i was just thinking about it and

if you told someone to go and get lost and broke their heart

if you really wanted them back, you would not feel comfortable about directly saying 'lets get back togehter'.

or maybe not, i dont know, just a thought.

[Batya33]

If he wanted you back he would never want to risk you getting snapped up by someone else, so he would get over his fear of the awkwardness and get in touch with you ASAP. If his fear wins out - if that is the reason, and I doubt it! - then all it means is he doesn't want you back badly enough, and who needs that? There is risk in all situations but if you want someone back and you made a big mistake by letting them go, then you're willing to take the risk of saying "I made a big mistake, please give me another chance."

 

What you are doing is disrespectful to yourself and kind of self-torture. Instead, why not have faith that if he wants you back he will let you know and all other contact is just going to make you crazy and do all this overanalyzing. You must have more going on in your life such that this exercise is a complete waste of time and energy, yes? If not, then get that life. Soon.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

ok i'll go NC but

regardless of my situation i was just thinking about it and

if you told someone to go and get lost and broke their heart

if you really wanted them back, you would not feel comfortable about directly saying 'lets get back togehter'.

or maybe not, i dont know, just a thought.

 

There are a lot of things in life that are uncomfortable to do but need to be done. If he feels he made a mistake then he would have to overcome his discomfort to make amends and suggest reconciliation. It is called taking responsibility for your actions. He broke it, then he has to fix it...and if he doesn't have it in him to go beyond his comfort level in order to fix something he broke then he is not healthy relationship material.

[Hunny1607307342]

hmm

i do have other things going on in my life. but i have no mental capacity to get on with anything i can't sleep and i eat random things here and there.

it'll all change when i go back to uni on monday because its sort of like an escapism leaving the city and i get on with life over tehre.

but then it will be easter and i'll be back here again, lounging around all over the place waiting for the days to end to see if I'll feel better the next day.

its disconcerting i know.

[Batya33]

Yes, you do have the capacity to stop contact with someone in this situation. It's totally up to you and in your control.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Hunny, if he wanted you back, and wanted the opportunity to start things up again, he wouldn't be wanting your boyfriend there before he'd see you. Those two are incompatible things.

 

Let's say the reverse... You want to get back with him, so you tell one of your friends that you don't want him to get the wrong idea, and you want to make sure his girlfriend is present before you even go? that just doesn't make sense, why would you do that.

 

But his actions make perfect sense if he doesn't want to get back together, and is very afraid you might take any contact with him as a false hope. he probably knows how hard you are taking this, and doesn't want to encourage you.

 

if you can't eat and can't sleep and it has been a while since the breakup, that is not about love, it is about obsession, and you need to think about getting some counseling to help you get over this. That kind of obsession is normal for a little while after a breakup, but if it is months later and you are still feeling that way, you need to get yourself some help so you can forget about him and have a happy life.

[Hunny1607307342]

That's the thing, i am surprised that things like this can hit me so hard so long after the break up.

its not fair.

but i did get over it and you'd think i was the most well composed person ever , but then suddenly things like this happen and i fall.

then i pick myself back up again.

then i fall.

its like a vicious cycle.

[annie24]

it sounds like he doesn't want to rekindle the relationship. and it sounds like you aren't over him at all. i would take some time, and go NC with him. really, take the time to get over him, and focus on your healing. you are no where near ready to be friends with this man again.