A PART OF ME DIED LAST NIGHT, Strange Encounter with the Ex

[langford]

I think we are all being a bit harsh on you probably because alot of us have been through it on either end and wish someone would have nudged us in the right position.

 

But really its not always easy to be rational and a realist about these things, we are human after all not machines and can't always switch our emotions off whenever we need too.It's perfectly natural for you to miss him and want to talk to him and hope for some distant reconnection with him I've definitely done the same even though it's clear that it's not beneficial to moving on or forward.

 

Don't beat yourself up too much, eventully in your own time you'll come to the right position on what to do,but I do agree the more distance you take from him the clearer you'll be able to see where you are.

[annie24]

I think we are all being a bit harsh on you probably because alot of us have been through it on either end and wish someone would have nudged us in the right position.

 

oh totally. i remember several years back being IN LOVE with this guy, my bf, then my ex. despite the fact that he broke up with me (because i moved away, long distance), we still stayed in friendly contact now and again. i took any conversation as a sign he still cared and didn't let go of him. i was hoping one day we would get back together. my friends tried to tell me to move on. but i didn't listen, even after long emails or long phone conversations, i kept up hope that maybe someday we would reunite.

 

after 6 months, i confessed to him i still had feelings for him. he told me he didn't, that he had moved on, and that our conversations were to him, just something that friends did. not indicative of romantic feelings.

 

ouch, that hurt! but of course, it made sense, because if he wanted to be with me, he wouldn't have broken up with me. even that incident still wasn't enough for me to let go of him, this carried on for years until i finally had enough and saw the light.

[lady00]

you dont really need to ask i mean I think anyone would be glad if the ex who theyd wanted back for so long still cared. If he didnt care i'd feel like my relationship with him would have been worth a lot less.

i still care so much, so i'd want him to aswell.

 

I think this line of thinking will probably cause more pain. I say this because I think it's this sort of satisfaction in knowing that the person still cares that has always gotten me into trouble emotionally in the past. Now, I realize you are not me and so you may not be holding out hope but all I can speak from is my own experience and I can tell you whenever I have thought in this way, it has been because I was in denial that the relationship was really over and the guy wasn't coming back. I don't think it's particularly good or helpful to think or know that the other person still cares. I think what's more helpful is to think that it doesn't really matter if they still care. It does you no good to know he still cares or at least I don't see what good it does.

 

When I wanted my last ex back (and I did for a long time), it actually did not help me to know he still cared (he did) because although he still cared about me a lot, he still didn't want to be with me, and knowing that just hurt me a lot. I've gotten to a point where I no longer care if he cares and I don't care to be in contact with him. And that feels good. And I still think he's an absolutely wonderful guy and I wish him all the happiness in the world. Of course, my situation is different from yours, but I think the overall principle is the same.

[stella74]

Hunny, you said you were unhappy with your ex having all the control, so why are you letting him initiate contact with you whenever he feels like it? If he keeps going back and forth wanting to talk to you and then wanting no contact and then wanting to talk to you, why are you going along with this?

 

I know from personal experience that the only way I could keep my self respect in these situations was to recognize when I was being manipulated. It's really hard! Of course you want to know he still cares about you. That's understandable. But I think you are mistaking controlling with caring. The only way to empower yourself in this situation is to get to a point where you don't care whether he cares or not (as lady00 explains above). And to do that you need to let go of your feelings for him. I know it's hard. I've been there. What has helped me is to say something along the lines of "I've been in denial and I'm sorry it took me so long to get the message that you weren't interested in getting back together. I need to move on and I would appreciate it if you would stop contacting me unless it is to discuss getting back together. I don't expect you to agree or disagree with this, but I hope you can understand."

[KAT MOMMY]

Stop trying to convince him that you are alone, single and needy--Just stop let him think and feel you are doing so well with out him in your life-He is not worth it and he seems like a total jerk as if he gets a kick out of seeing you alone. Julie is to think twice about since they are still speaking to one another,. I wouldn't trust either one of them because how do you know that they are not talking about you behind or back or for that matter screwing. Sounds weird but sometimes this is the way it goes. Why would she say something that she knows would hurt your feelings. I wouldn't trust either one of them!

Good Luck

[Hunny1607307342]

lol ook

im not making any rash judgements on the situation even though i know his personality, but you guys who dont are making such rash judgements its all getting so out of hand- He does not feel empowered; hes definitely not screwing julie; and i haven't made myself look needy.

 

I'll update you if anything happens, and if nothing ever happens then i'll get over it.

[Batya33]

No, it's not a rash judgment to say that your approach - continuing contact with him, rationalizing to the hilt why it's ok at every turn, not admitting to yourself your expectations for this contact - all of that is so textbook "don't touch that hot stove!" that there's little wiggle room. He may not be controlling, you may not be weak, there's a lot of gray area there. What is clear though is that if you want this person back in your life, your behavior either doesn't help that or sabotages it but the part of you that is too insecure to let go would prefer to rationalize and sabotage rather than show restraint for the possiblity, in the long term, that he might decide to come back. But, part of being secure enough to do that also requires the comfort with saying "i care more about me than I do about him. I am worth someone who wants to be with me. I will be fine if that someone is not him, and so if he decides he wants to reconcile, that's cool and I'll see where I stand at that time, but in the meanwhile I am going to move on with my life."

 

It's easy to dismiss others' opinions as rash judgments or extreme - than to take a hard look at your own behavior. But, you're going to do what gives you short term gratification and allows you to hang on to shreds of him and tell yourself that that is progress.

 

I can tell you from personal experience it hurts SO MUCH MORE to see an ex move on or date others while you're still in contact with him especially if you have this pretend friendship "let's be friends so that I can make sure that if you change your mind I'm just a click away"

 

You're not a real friend to him because you'd want to throw up if he IMd you tonight about a hot date he has, what sweater should he wear?

[Hunny1607307342]

No, it's not a rash judgment to say that your approach - continuing contact with him

 

im not continuing contacting him.

why do you keep disregarding the fact that im not going to contact him and thus probably wont speak to him for another couple of months?

 

 

yes i'd feel like throwing up at the thought of him with a date, but he hasn't got a date yet; and when he does then i'll deal with how i feel.

then i'll come and post on here and say 'ok people you were right he's completely moved on'.

but why not cross bridges when i get to them.

 

 

i really really really like this guy, well obvioulsy you can tell, so im not just throw away the tiniest possibility of reconciliation just because i will get hurt.

 

 

sorry i wish i could control my feelings and listen to what you are saying but i cant.

 

i am still retaining my dignity- i wouldnt accept airy fairy propositions from him. i would only get back together with him if he makes it clear he wants me back. despite how much i am in love with this guy, it is simply not good enough for me if he turns around and says something like "oh why dont we date again, i mean im not sure how i feel about you.." or some BS like that. I wouldn't take crap like that.

[Batya33]

You can't control your feelings - just your reactions to them. Each time you say you are not going to be in contact with him you are- I am just responding to your patterns. And warning you that if you stay in contact it will be that much harder when he casually mentions the lovely lady he is courting. With no contact, you are unlikely to know or if you do at least you will have protected yourself by not staying in contact.

 

Feel whatever you feel - of course! - I'm just advising acting with more restraint, self-protection, and self-honesty.

 

I am glad you've decided not to be in contact with him and I hope you stick to that, no matter what you're feeling.

[stella74]

I think Batya has some wise things to say if you could just step back for a minute from your point of view and listen to what she's saying. No one is asking you to agree with her right now. But could you please take some time to re-read what she (and others of us) have said to you in order to gain a different perspective. It might help you in the long term. If you're willing to gamble on getting hurt, that's your choice. And there's nothing any of us can say or do to prevent you from going through this hurt. But you may be able to lessen the hurt by widening your perspective a little. You can simply try to understand and leave it at that.