DaisyB
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EXGF has coldfeet! The end of the road.
DaisyB replied to shockeddismayed's topic in Getting Back Together
S&D, Got your PM. Thanks for keeping me updated. I think all of this sounds really good. I'm always struck by how similar our exes seem to be. You quote things that she's said, and my ex has said nearly the same things, almost word-for-word. Weird. This has been my ex's main argument for wanting to have no contact/minimal contact over the summer. Strange, isn't it? Must be because we're so darn irresistible. I think your ex has made huge strides in working on the relationship, even though she's not quite to the point of "working on it together" (ie, getting back together). But she sounds close. Don't worry about her not wanting to hang out socially. I don't want to do that with my ex right now either, because there are such larger issues out there that "just hanging out" would seem fake. (Maybe it's a female thing -- I don't know.) I think if she wants to do the list, she's indicating that she wants to work on the relationship with you. . . and that's the goal, right? Obviously, the ultimate goal is to work on the relationship while dating, but this may be the first step. I know it's frustrating that she can't guarantee an outcome, but I do think she has made this a priority. For now, I would try my hardest to work WITH her on this. (Unless that makes you feel like a doormat, in which case, don't.) Congrats on the 1/2 marathon! Take care, and I'll be in touch. -
Hello, folks. . . Just a little update since I haven't been on in a few days. The ex has officially left for the summer, which has been VERY tough. I've tried my hardest not to call, but I broke down twice. He's done the same, so I guess we're even. . . The contact has been okay. Not bad, just no real progress one way or another. He seems very concerned with how I'm doing, which is good in some ways, but bad in others (if he cares so much, why not get back together? etc.) I have held off from asking him any relationship questions. That's been tough to do. Also, my roommate moved out yesterday (she took a new job), so the being alone is really starting to set in. It does mean that I can do some redecorating, though, so I'm trying to stay busy with that. I'll try to keep you posted on how things progress. I hope you all are doing okay. Take care, guys.
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I agree that we are changed forever. Any chance of "getting back to our old selves" (or our old relationships) is out of the question. . . we will never be our old selves because we have been changed by a new experience. The same with our relationships. . . even if we do end up back together with our exes, it will never be the same as it once was. During past break-ups, I remember that my least favorite question from others was "Are you over him yet?" (No one has asked that about this break-up. . . maybe the answer is just too obvious.) I hated that question because it seemed like I would never really be "over" anybody. The hurt would fade, and I would move on, but the relationship would always be part of who I am. I also agree that healing has more to do with time and less to do with trips to the gym, new clothes, or new hobbies. We can't force ourselves to heal quickly. Sometimes those new things help, and sometimes they feel like cheap fixes, like giving someone a band-aid when he's had his arm cut off. I've been trying to run everyday, but there are some days when I know I need to sit in my room and cry instead -- and that's what I do. I try to let out the bad emotions as they come, but I try not to wallow in them, either. Somedays it's hard to know if I'm succeeding. We all heal at different rates, so while some of us here may genuinely be doing much better after 6 months, some of us may still be hurting a lot. Time really does help. . . you just can't speed up the process. So if you feel like keeping busy is causing you to avoid the pain, let yourself experience the pain for a while. It's okay not to say "everything's fine." (Whenever I talk to my mom, she always asks me if I'm happy. I have answered no for the past five months. She hates that I'm unhappy, but I'd rather give her an honest response than a fake one. I will be happy again, sometime. Just right now, I'm not.) Hang in there, Brandell. A day at a time.
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I think what 1st timer means by "sex" is gender. Does gender matter for NC? That's a good question, and one I've considered, too. My ex did most of the calling, picking me up, arranging plans, etc. when we were in the relationship, because that's what he saw as the "male" role. I never had a problem with it. As it worked out, he was also the dumper, so I can easily put the "burden of contact" on him. 1st timer, what were your roles when you were dating? Did you do most of the calling, arranging dates, etc.? If so, did she seem to like that you did? In my experience (and yes, I was born and raised in the South, so I know it's different in other places) women like it when a man takes a more dominant role in the relationship -- pursuing and seducing her. Most women find that romantic. I think if she's calling you, then she misses you. But I don't know what that means. She may miss you but still not want to get back together with you. Or more likely, she may miss you but still be confused about whether she wants to be together or not. If it were me, I would try to talk to her about it. Tell her you want to make this work, and you want to still be in contact with her, but you can't do it with her lack of commitment. Then try your hardest to stick to it. My guess is that she WILL contact you if she misses you enough to want you back, regardless of the gender thing.
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A very strange thing happened to me last night as I was falling asleep. I wasn't quite asleep yet, but almost there. . . when I heard my ex shout my name. It was so clear. . . I woke up and even got out of bed to see if he was outside. Strange. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before. Now to Dallas -- my ex has said that he hasn't felt enough distance from me to figure out how he really feels. I HAVE felt the distance, but I can see where he's coming from. The longest we've gone with NC since the break-up is 9 days, and that's when we were both out of town. For the past month and a half, we've been talking several times a day, and have seen each other once or twice a week. He said that he doesn't want to end up back together without feeling like he truly had time to reflect on the relationship. If things continued the way they had been going, we would have probably been back together in a month -- which sounds great, on the surface, but I don't want to get back together without knowing that he's a full partner. I wouldn't want to get back together and then have him say in a few months, "you know, I never really reflected on this, and I have a lot of doubts." If we end up back together, I need to hear him say, "I want to do this, I choose to do this, and I vow to try as hard as I can to make it work." So if NC is what it takes to make him say that, then I'm all for it. I'm all for it even if NC makes him say, "I realized I never want to see you again." Because he's been in this middle phase for too long. I know he's confused, but I can't deal with the confusion forever. In the meantime, my life has not stopped. I imagine that I won't be "over him" in 10 weeks, but who knows? I do still have hope. And I do still believe that things could work out, if we're both willing. I see that hope is not in fashion on the forum this week, though I am amused that you think I'm in denial. I do know my ex well, and I try very hard to understand his point of view. I don't always agree with it, and I can't always see it, but I think it's important to try to understand what each other is thinking. All right, to bed. Good night, all.
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I agree completely. I also wonder every day if I'm holding on to something that will never happen, or if it's essential to maintain hope. But I also can't really do anything to get rid of the hope (I've tried), so I have to live with it for now. I trust that it will either be fulfilled, or die on its own. The ex left today for his summer position. We saw each other on Sunday for dinner -- which was REALLY good -- and said goodbye last night on the phone -- which was not as good. It was just hard to say goodbye and leave things so indefinite. We both confessed how scared we were. But I trust that this is the right thing to do. Obviously, if I could choose, I would chose things to be much easier. But I can't. . . I can't force him to make a decision, and I can't force him to come back. I wouldn't want to, either. So separate it is, at least for 10 weeks. And trusting that at the end of 10 weeks, things will be a little bit easier, one way or another.
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Thanks, Dallas. . . a good perspective to get. Of course as I see it, things are not that neat, or that easy. Oh, I wish they were. It would be wonderful just to wake up and say, "I don't want him anymore," and be done with it. Or for him to say, "I was a fool, please come back to me." But that hasn't happened yet. Instead we're both stuck in this middle place. I hope that the summer will give us both some clarity. And I'm praying that at the end of the summer, we'll both want the same thing (whether that's to get back together or to stay apart). When you ask why I would be willing to wait. . . well, there are many reasons. The first is that "waiting" is probably a pretty inaccurate description of what I'm doing. (Despite the title of this thread!) For me, my "waiting" behavior is exactly the same as my "moving on" behavior. (New interests, hobbies, all that jazz.) I'm definitely not ready to date anyone new right now. But I'm trying to heal myself in whatever way possible. As we all know, it's a slow process. The second reason for "waiting" is that a few months seem minimal compared to a lifetime. . . and if he says he needs a few months to figure out if he wants to spend a lifetime with me, then I'm willing to give that. It's NOT easy. But I don't think I will ever regret taking a few months for both of us to find out what we really want. Is he selfish for telling me what he needs? Nah. He's definitely indecisive, though. He hates that about himself, and he hates what his indecision has done to me/us. I think the only way he sees to cure it is to take more distance from me. I can't blame him for that. It sucks, but I do respect the idea behind it. Will I decide that he's too indecisive for me? I don't know, Dallas. If his indecision continues throughout the summer, then I'll probably decide that I'm through. If he reaches some sort of conclusion by the end of the summer and wants me back, well. . . I'll have to figure out if I want him back. But all of this is sometime in the future. For now, I'll just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings. Goodnight, all.
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And you know what, Rich, that's okay. I can't see much further than the next day either. I desperately want to know what the future holds, but I think that's impossible right now. So it's just a matter of getting through work, then getting through the evening, then doing it again the next day. I try to give myself little rewards as I go. (Sometimes I have to watch myself from becoming TOO self-indulgent.) Hang in there, Rich. I'm right there with you.
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Anyone believe in interpreting dreams?
DaisyB replied to determined's topic in Getting Back Together
I've VERY interested in dreams. . . I have no idea how much can be gained from them (do they predict the future? express subconscious desires? allow us to communicate with others? send messages from God?) but I love hearing others' dreams and trying to analyze them and my own. My last dream about the ex was a few nights ago. We were spending the night in someone else's house, but it was a huge house -- like a convention center. We spent the night in the same bed, and I remember thinking how wonderful it was to be back together. The next morning we packed up to leave, but once we were almost out of the house, we realized we'd left something in the bedroom. So I ran back to get it. Then I found my ex again, but we realized we'd left something else. Again, I ran back to get it. This kept happening. . . soon I realized that the owners of the house would be back soon, and we weren't supposed to be there when they returned. I started to get more and more frantic, running back and forth with the things we'd forgotten. Eventually, I got so panicked that I couldn't find the bedroom or my ex anywhere, and I was left running by myself throughout the house, looking for them. That one seems pretty easy to interpret, really. . . I think it says a lot about me feeling like I'm searching, frantically, for something that will give closure to this break-up and allow me and my ex to be together. But I can't find it, although I feel growing pressure to find it soon. -
EXGF has coldfeet! The end of the road.
DaisyB replied to shockeddismayed's topic in Getting Back Together
S&D, I'm so glad you called. I have no idea what your conversation means (if anything), but I'm glad you two had it, and I'm glad you're back in contact. The guitar, running, etc. -- all of that is so good. For the relationship, yes, but more importantly, for you. For now, I would try to keep in contact with her. Don't overdo it -- but don't be afraid to call her once a week or so. Maybe more often, if it keeps going well. You're not out of the woods yet -- she still hasn't given you any sort of decision -- but maybe, though more contact, you can start working through problems together. This struck a chord with me -- my ex said almost exactly the same thing. I sort of understand, and sort of don't. But I know that we can't change how they feel. I guess the best thing is just to be supportive? -
Swingers is great. . . although I prefer High Fidelity (probably for purely personal reasons). I love that Rob does everything wrong, but Laura comes back anyway. Gives me hope, you know. (Although the reason for her return is her dad dying, and that's not something you can plan for or hope for.) The book is even better than the movie. . . after Laura comes back, Rob realizes he doesn't want her as much as he thought he did, and gets confused again. The movie ends kind of optimistically, while the book is a little darker. I might go rent Swingers again tonight. It's been a few years since I've seen that one. . .
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Long relationship talk over IM tonight. . . We've never done that over IM before. It was actually sort of nice -- gave us enough distance to be able to keep talking and not get bogged down in what the other person sounds like/looks like. No new information. He repeated that he wants to use the summer to "seriously try to get over me" (as if he'd been taking a joking attitude up to now?) and see if that makes a difference in how he feels. Nothing new, but hard to hear anyway. When I asked him why he kept contacting me and asking me to come over, he said it was because he missed me. But when I asked him if the missing me told him anything, and he said, "it tells me that you were extraordinarily important and an incredible part of my life, and that tearing myself away from you is like tearing off a part of my body. But it doesn't help me figure out what comes next. It tells me more about the past than the future." What? I pointed out that all he's ever going to do is miss me or not miss me. So if missing me doesn't make him want to get back together, is there anything that will? It just seems so strange to me. . . it's like he's purposely trying to destroy us, to see if we'll break. And you know what? Suddenly, I realized that I have perfect faith that we won't break. Is that what's been giving me strength all this time? I've been scared, of course, but underneath, I think I really have had solid faith in us. His feelings just seem so obvious to me. If he really wanted to get over me, why wouldn't he have done it already? We do live in the same town, but we don't ever have to see each other if we didn't want to. Every single meeting has been initiated by him. He's initated almost every phone call, email, IM. . . now he has to try to force himself to get over me? Doesn't he realize how silly that is? But for some reason he doesn't trust what he's feeling. Incredibly frustrating. . . but less upsetting. So all I can do now is play along -- agree to NC over the summer (although when I agreed to it, he said "well, maybe once a week we could talk, and I might come visit"), and wait. Good grief.
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I LOVE High Fidelity! (It was also, interestingly, my first date with my ex. Sort of "our movie." Maybe this break-up was fate. . . ) I think few people can handle being friends with their exes -- I've only got one ex (from way back in high school!) that's still a friend -- he lives in a different state, and we only talk about once or twice a month, but I do joke that I'd consider dating him if we were ever single at the same time! (I wouldn't actually date him, by the way. But several years ago, I might have.) Do we risk not healing for ourselves if we're friends with our exes? I think we risk having the healing process take a lot longer. Is that risk worth it? Who knows. . .
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Hey, 1st timer. . . I feel for you, too. Lisaria's right when she says that for a committed relationship to work out, you need to grow WITH your partner, not away from them. But that doesn't mean your relationship with your girlfriend won't work out. It sounds like she's just not ready to grow with you (or anyone else) right now. Maybe after a while she'll decide that she is ready to grow with you. But she does need some time away to figure that out. Your instincts are telling you what to do here -- let her do the calling, and concentrate on yourself for a while. If you want to call her back, do so, but remember that you're NEVER obligated to call her back. If you don't feel up to it, don't do it. If you do, remember that just because she called doesn't mean that she wants to get back together. . . she may just be curious, or confused. I think interests outside the relationship are incredibly important. My ex and I had a ton of shared interests, but not a lot of interests outside the relationship. . . and I think that contributed to our break-up. Think how exciting it is to meet someone new. . . those first few honeymoon months of a relationship when you're discovering all about each other. Now imagine if you could combine that excitement with the comfort and love of a long-term relationship. It sounds like you and your girlfriend had the comfort and love part, but were missing some of the excitement that comes from individual growth (interests outside the relationship). Your girlfriend told you how attractive you'd become since your break, right? My ex has told me the same thing. . . he seems incredibly turned on when I tell him about something new I've done (something he NEVER would have imagined me doing before). So. . . devote some time to yourself. Keep doing what you've been doing to grow and make yourself happy. And keep us posted on how you're doing.
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Exactly. . . my ex has apologized many times for sending mixed signals. I know he's not playing games -- he truly IS mixed up. But sometimes I forget that. Since he initiated the break-up, I sometimes assume that he must be happy and content with the decision. But the truth is that some days, he seems much more mixed up than I am. Along the lines of exes "forgetting" about you. . . there's no way. Your ex will not just forget you. My gosh, I remember the boy I had a crush on in second grade. In my last serious relationship (with the ex-ex), I was the dumper. And I can tell you that I still think about my ex-ex on a fairly frequent basis, even though it's been about 5 years since we dated. I don't think about wanting him back, but I do wonder what he's doing now, think about good times we shared, wonder what might have happened if. . . I was pretty cold to him after the break-up, just because that was the only way I knew to move on. I rarely returned his calls or emails, even when he tried to contact me several years after the break-up. I'm sure that he thinks I've forgotten about him, or I never loved him, and neither one of those is true. I just wanted to give both of us a chance to heal, and I didn't want to lead him on. 5 years later, and I still don't know if I did it the right way. But I did the best I could do at the time. Interesting how this break-up has me re-evaluating all my other past relationships. And I thought those were long since dead and gone. . .
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Psychological Problems that keep your ex away
DaisyB replied to raider5's topic in Getting Back Together
Funny. . . I guess we all have psychological "problems" to some extent. I was surprised this weekend to talk to my brother's girlfriend and find out she thought he had a fear of commitment. I thought, "No, he doesn't. . . he just wants to take things slowly and do it right." I know my brother well, and I know he takes his time with things, especially relationships. It doesn't mean he doesn't care. . . it actually means that he cares very much. He's worried that taking things fast could mess it up, so he's going to proceed slowly and carefully. He's always been like that. So I'd never seen things from his girlfriend's point of view before. . . but as she talked, I could understand where she was coming from. I still don't think my brother has a fear of commitment, but I do think he wants to take things slower than she does, which is incredibly frustrating for her. I tried to explain that that's just the way my brother is -- but that was hard for her to deal with. I think it's so tempting for us to put a label on people ("He's a commitment-phobe," "She's afraid of rejection") because it makes it easier to handle their behavior. But I worry that those labels prevent us from seeing the complexity of human behavior, and from seeing things from other points of view. -
I've heard anywhere from two weeks to five years. I know several couples, though, who got back together after breaking up for 6 months-1 year. I would guess (although Raider won't find my methods very accurate!) that this is about average.
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Hey guys. . . Just wanted to post a little update. I've been out of town for a few days. The ex leaves next week for his 10 week summer position (out of town). We're having dinner sometime this weekend (yikes!) which will be the first time we've seen each other in the light of day in three months. I'm nervous, but ready for it. I've warned him that I will want to do some relationship-talking, and he seems ready for that, too. I'm at a strange place right now. We've been doing this minimal contact thing for a while now, and things are improving (I think), but SLOWLY. I don't think I can keep up this stage for much longer. For that reason, I'm glad that he's going away soon, because otherwise I'm afraid I'd issue an ultimatum. He has already said that he wants to have very little contact while he's gone, to give him time to think about us. I respect that, and I think it's a good thing, but of course it scares me to death. I know there's no guarantee that he'll be any more decisive after 10 weeks, but I do get the sense that he's really going to try. I have no idea what the outcome will be. Many of you have been so optimistic (which is wonderful), but I can see him wanting to stay apart as easily as I can see him wanting to get back together. He's still sending very mixed signals. Coming home last night was especially tough. I came back from the airport, alone, and walked into my empty apartment, alone. . . and really wished he were there waiting for me. I called him to tell him I got in okay, and he wasn't there. (This is a guy who ALWAYS picked me up at the airport, looked forward to me coming home, worried when I traveled alone, etc.) It's happened before, since we broke up, but it hit me really hard last night, for some reason. I've been thinking very seriously about moving and changing jobs next year -- maybe even going back to school. I've secretly promised to wait till next January for my ex to get his act together. . . after that, I don't think I can take this waiting game any longer. And I don't think I'll be able to stay around here without him -- if we don't get back together, I want to do something completely different. A fresh start somewhere that doesn't remind me of him every day. I don't want to just run away from what's hurting me -- I know I'll still hurt, wherever I am -- but maybe starting over will help me to let go a little more. I just don't want to have to do it. I'll keep you posted on dinner plans this week. I hope everyone's doing okay. Take care of yourselves out there.
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Wow, Rich -- I know this isn't a direct transcript of your conversation, but from what you've written, it seems like you two are in two different worlds. I wonder how well you two are able to hear each other right now. I understand what you're saying -- it's too painful for you to be just friends with her. But I can't tell if she understands that. I don't know if she knows that her indecision is hurting you so much. I understand what she's saying -- she's still unsure about what she wants long term, but she misses you and still thinks of you as her best friend. Obviously, those two are incompatible. . . so until she realizes that she wants you as more than a friend, or until you decide that you can be friends with her, I think you're going to have to keep moving on. You can hold firm to that but still be a little vulnerable yourself, though -- tell her that you miss her, too, and miss being her best friend, hanging out with her son, etc. But that you're sorry, you can't be her best friend, or any kind of real friend right now. You need time to heal, and space to move on.
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Chances of geting back with your ex. An actual percentage!
DaisyB replied to raider5's topic in Getting Back Together
Okay, I'll play. I got curious and tried searching the web for data (a very informal search -- about 15 minutes). The only thing I came up with is at link removed The site talks about a book by a PhD in California who interviewed over 1,000 couples. (Which doesn't sound like a lot for stats like this.) She claims that this data is true for couples who dated, broke up, and reunited at least 5 years later: 78% of first loves who reunite stay together, 72% percent overall. (I assume the "overall" means 72% of second+ loves who reunite stay together.) That percentage seems RIDICULOUSLY high to me. I'm sure her math is correct (I hope a PhD can get it right), but there are so many variables in situations like these that I don't trust the figures. (And yes, I know that her calculations take variables into account -- I took stats, too -- I just trust my common sense on this one.) I know it's not exactly what you were looking for, raider5, but I was curious, too. -
You too, ziggystar.
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About that time for the daily Daisy update. He called yesterday after he got back in town and said that he'd missed me a lot while he was away (strange, since we talked everyday he was gone, but good). He sounded in kind of a funky mood -- said he had invited a friend over to keep him from begging me to come. Also good. But I was in a bit of a funk, too, so I didn't sound very chipper. He asked me if I was okay and I said yes. . . but just okay. It's hard to have daily contact with him (which is what it's become) and still be broken up. We're not "just friends," but we're not lovers either. And at this point I can't really tell which way it's going to go. Don't get me wrong -- I can handle the contact, and I think it's necessary to go through an awkward phase if we're ever going to get back together. I also know some people on here would kill to have daily contact with their exes, so I don't mean to complain. But for those of you who might be getting to this phase of daily contact again, don't expect it to be easy. . . things are not necessarily any clearer right now than they were four months ago. But we're talking, and that's good, and talking about the relationship on a semi-frequent basis, which is also good. A friend took me to this very cool little used bookstore after work today. Lots of fun
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He called me this morning from out-of-town -- very surprising. First time he's done that since we broke up. Tonight was strange, though. . . I went to a party with some people from work who I don't know very well. . . this is the first time I've ever really socialized with them outside of work. I started a new job this year, and only met them after my ex and I broke up, so they don't know him at all. It felt very strange to be there, single, mingling with people who ONLY know me as a single woman. Worse, I'm not entirely sure I like these people (it may be too early to tell). Worse still, as I was leaving, the host told me that she wanted to set me up with one of the them: "He's perfect for you, just broke up five months ago with a girl he dated for two years." (I told her no thanks, and that I'd let her know if I became interested.) Ugh. I don't get it -- it should have been a good night, but instead I just feel lonely and empty at the end of it. I don't feel bad about the way things are going with my ex (things seem to be "progressing". . . maybe), but some nights I just really miss having him by my side.
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EXGF has coldfeet! The end of the road.
DaisyB replied to shockeddismayed's topic in Getting Back Together
I think my ex feels the same way. . . he can't figure out if we're a "bad match" or if we just have problems that can be fixed. I would try to maintain contact with her if you can handle it emotionally. With even minimal contact, maybe she'll feel like you're working things out together (thus proving that you two are not a bad match). If she doesn't call you in another week, try contacting her. -
I had a really good night tonight. I think it's going to be a good weekend. My ex is out of town for the weekend, but we talked on the phone for a while yesterday night. At the end of the conversation, he said, "I wanted to tell you thank you for not coming over last night. I knew it was the wrong thing to do, but I wanted you so badly. . . thank you so much for being strong." Well, that wasn't quite the reaction I was expecting. I was sort of hoping that he'd keep begging me to come over. But instead, he seemed truly grateful -- and a little bit impressed -- that I hadn't come. It got me to thinking -- he's often had to be the "strong one" in our relationship. Maybe that strength should have been more evenly distributed? I am a strong person, but while I was dating him, I think I started to rely more and more on his strength instead of my own. That isn't really what I was going for by not coming over -- in fact, I didn't even realize it might have been a problem in our relationship until today -- but it's a very interesting outcome. I'm going to mull over it this weekend. . .