1st timer

Sort of. We always had some contact. What changed was who initiated the contact. At first the contact was started by both of us. My brother, my younger brother, pulled me aside one day and said that I needed to follow his advice now because my way of handling the situation was not working. This was about the end of April. I stopped calling her at all. It was tough not calling her when a week or ten days would pass. My brother has been an amazing asset durring this time. He demanded to hear from me everytime I wanted to call her. The night he told me what he expected, he said that if he didn't hear from me at least three times the next day. He said that if he heard from me any less then he would assume I called her and come over to my home to "beat me up." Having his support has been incredible. I wish I could loan him to all who are hurting. I am still struggling with initiatig contact. I am excited about her coming around, but I just want to be cautious. Does this seem normal?

yes.

To answer your question, we have been apart since the first week in March.

Hi all, It has been a few weeks since I last posted. I have been using the NC durring this time and have found it quite useful. I have had the wonderful support of my brother who told me to call him everytime I want to call my ex. It has been a wonderful way of dealing with my breakup, and I would recommend it to everyone. Here is my new problem. I realize that I really shouldn't call it a problem, but I just don't know what to do. My ex and I were together for 3 years. She needed space and initiated the break-up. Once I started to not contact her, she began to call me. We made plans to see each other and had a great time. After seeing each other for 4 days in a row, she had to leave for work. She was very affectionate 3 out of the 4 days we spent time together. The third day was a little less flirtatious than the other 3, but we had a good time anyway. The day she left for her trip, was the morning after we last hung out. We last hung out a week ago today. She called to let me know she was getting ready to leave and that she wanted to make sure I got home ok. She then asked to call me when she got in. I said fine because I love to hear from her. Let me cut to the chase. She called Monday while I was working. She said that she loved me and missed me. She told me that she wanted to come home. I explained that she would be coming home in few days and that she would be fine in the mean time. She then explained that she wanted to come home to me. We've never lived together, this was a figure of speech. I told her how good it felt to hear her say this. She asked if she could call me more often than she has been. I said absolutely. She has called a few times since that conversation. Ok this time I am really going to get to my "problem." I don't know if I should call her. I don't know how often is appropriate to call. I don't want to make her feel smothered like she did when she broke up with me. Does anybody have experience in this type of situation? Any help, whether you have gone through this or not, would be appreciated. I feel for all of you out there. Hang in there. Find a person who will be as supportive as my brother was and know that this too will pass.

The break up was to brought on by her need for space. I have done everything I can to give her that space. I would love nothing more than for us to work out, but with her needing space I feel like I am walking on a tight rope everytime we talk. I don't want her to feel I'm invading the space she so desperately needed. She has not given me any signs that she is ready to be a couple again other than possible hints. Saying things like I am the love of her life and last night calling me her boyfriend. How does one balance being in a relationship and making sure not to smother the other partner?

I spoke to my ex-girlfriend last night. During our conversation she made mention of me being her boyfriend. I did not mention anything about her comment because the conversation was over the phone. I did not want any of my words to be misunderstood. I wanted to tell her that she can not call me such things in our current state. I am going to see her this weekend and am debating if I should bring the topic up or wait to see if she makes such comments again. I also am looking for advice on how to ease back into the relationship if this possibility presents itself. I know that I don't want to rush into things and pretend the breakup did not happen. Please help me with suggestions on how to become a couple again. What has and has not worked in the past for you?

She has said it to me in person. I don't doubt that she loves me. We were in a relationship for 3yrs. I think it would be hard to not love someone that you were with for that period of time. I just don't think she is in love with me. I just got off the phone with her. She told me she loved me again. This time she qualified the statement with "I really do love you. I am not saying that out of habit." It is hard to talk to her about us because she is on the road right now. I don't feel comfortable having serious conversations over the phone. She has expressed the same. In the mean time, our conversations have been about some of the more casual topics. She seems to try to dominate the conversation by craming in as many topics and details as possible. Even to the point where she interrupts me a bit. Any idea why this would be? For now I am going to continue to let her do the contacting. At some point I would like to have a conversation about us. I am not sure how to take on the subject. I don't want to smuther her if she is not ready to talk about us. All help and advice is welcome.

In response to the last post, what about the times that she tells me that she loves me? How should I respond to her when she tells me she loves me?

We did make plans to see each other next weekend. The last time I spoke to her was on Friday morning when she asked me to call to wake her up. I have chosen not to contact her this weekend because I don't want her to feel I am crowding her. I have to admit, I thought she would have called me on Friday or Saturday. Am I doing the right thing by continuing to not contact her? Like Belle mentioned in her situation, I don't want her to think I am not interested in her, but I don't want to come off as needy. Any suggestions?

Hi all, I have been using the NC rule for several weeks now. My ex is now contacting me on an almost consistant basis. I have taken all of her calls so far. The other night she hung out with some friends of mine, she travel for work, and they are in a band that is on tour. They happened to be in the same city for the night, so I put them in contact with one another. Any how, while she was hanging out with them, she made the comment to one of my buddies that I was the love of her life. Later that night when she called me, and she made sure to tell me about this conversation she had with my buddy. What do I do now? I have still not initiated contact with her. The only exception being yesterday morning when she asked me to call her to wake her up. Should I call her or continue to give her space? Space is the reason she broke up with me. We dated for 3yrs, never fought and have never broken up before now. We have been apart for about 3months.

What constitutes "the first move?" My ex has been calling to tell me she misses me. Is this the first move. How do I respond to it? Today we made plans to get together in 2 weeks. Was this too forward? We talked about meeting today but our schedules did not match. She is leaving for about 10 days for work and will be back on Friday the 11th. After not being able to get together before she left, she suggested we meet on the day she returns. I am not able to make it, so we chose to meet the day after. Is this a good sign?

You are right about the gender part. I did it to get more people to read my post! Thanks for the input. Yes I did most of, but not all of, the planning and pursuing during the relationship. She called today to invite me to a show. I can't make it because it is on my dad's birthday. She seemed disappointed, but I could be reading into things. I called her later in the day to leave her a message about a play we have been meaning to see. The play is leaving L.A. in the next few weeks, and I am going to see it. She will be leaving out of town for work in a few days, so I told her that I could be flexible with when I see it if she is up to going. No response yet.

I was given the "I need space" talk almost 3 months ago. We had a 3 year relationship. No fights or drama the entire time. People constantly commented on how great we were. The big issue was our lack of outside commitments. We each work fairly demanding jobs. During most of our free time, we were together. Usually Friday night through Monday morning Since the break up, we have each taken on new adventures and have done some personal reflection. We have seen each other 3 times. Each time has been wonderful. Our energy feels like it did when we were a couple. She has made comments that lead one way, and then her actions go another. She has said things like she is excited about the future we have as couple but not now. She wants to see more of me, but when I sent her a text message 2 days later letting her know how wonderful her company is; she doesn't respond because she needed to take a break to reflect on the time we spent together. The last time we spent time together, I told her I couldn't do it anymore. I felt she was keeping me around for some motive that was not clear. I felt she was getting some of the benefits without having any of the commitments. I felt it was unfair. Her response was that if we do not have any contact, we may grow apart. Sort of like friends who haven't seen each other in years and no longer have anything in common. In my moment of weakness, I told she was right and that I would be open to continued contact. I had made up my mind that she would have to do all the contacting. I could not be subjected to her not responding. I did not share this commitment with her, but I am sticking to it. She has called a few times since the last time we were together. Each time telling me that she loves me at the end of the conversation. The first time I did not respond to it. She later told me that it hurt her feelings when I did not reciprocate. I told her later that I do indeed love her. Let me get to the point: In this gender specific role, is the no contact rule the same for each side? In other words, is she waiting for me to call because that is my role as the male? Will she call if she misses me? Is it reasonable to expect her to keep calling if I never initiate the contact? I don't want to pin her down, but I would like some sign that she is calling me because she does miss me. What are some of the clues I should look for? What does she mean when she says that she loves me? Is it out of habit? Should I ask her to clarify? Would that sound pathetic? Please help

Thank you for your responses. I have been reading the forums for months now, but I did not post anything. I didn't think it would be of any use. Was I wrong! This has been very helpful.

Thanks for the help. I am having a hard time coming to terms with it being over. Do relationships get in the way of personal growth? Can they keep a person from getting out and doing what is important to them?