Jump to content

DaisyB

Members
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    96

  • Joined

 Content Type 

Everything posted by DaisyB

  1. DaisyB
    So -- the update. He does call right before bedtime, and it goes really well. One of the best talks we've had since we've been broken up. It feels natural and fun, and we laugh a lot. He says, several times, that he missed me over the weekend. Finally I say that I miss him. . . and that the Easter holiday was especially hard without him there. (It's funny -- and sort of sad -- that I had to build up the courage to tell him that.) He says he'll call me again in a few days. So we end the call, and I can't fall asleep for an hour, because I'm still excited from talking to him. I had forgotten just how much I miss HIM -- the way he tells stories, or the way he notices trivial little things (which are exactly the things I would notice), or the way he laughs. . . man, it was good to talk to him again. But -- I had prepared myself for this, and even though I'm feeling good now, I know that nothing has really changed about our situation. That started to get me down a little, but then I thought about what has changed -- me. I've shown progress. So I thought that I'd try to focus on that for a while. (As I was writing this, an IM from him pops up! He never contacts me on Mondays -- his Mondays are especially busy -- and now this. It's a short conversation -- I don't have anything to say except that work was good today, and he doesn't really have anything to say either, so it's a little awkward. . . he finally says that he ought to get back to work, but he just wanted to say hey.) And now my heart's beating all fast again. Okay. . . not getting my hopes up, nothing's changed. . . he said, just last week, that being broken up is good. . . So strange. I wonder how many words we exchanged when we were dating -- so often, about nothing! -- and I never broke them down to analyze them. Now every word is so precious that I can't help but try to find some "secret meaning." And here I am, getting all excited over a two-minute IM conversation about work and the weather!
  2. DaisyB
    Go GeeCee! I wish we Americans could up and go to France. . . if I want to go somewhere strange and exotic, I'd have to go to. . . I don't know. . . Jersey. Just no comparison. Scout's right in all that she says. . . your stories and words of advice have sometimes carried me through the day. I'm so glad you've been having a happy Easter holiday. Also glad you're practicing your French kissing. . .
  3. DaisyB
    Happy Easter, everyone. . . Phone call coming soon tonight from the back-in-town ex, who "wants to talk to me right before I go to bed." Could be interesting. . . I'll post an update tomorrow. Sleep well, gang.
  4. DaisyB
    Happy Easter, Rich. . . I'm glad your date went so well! Before bringing up the other girl with your ex, I'd examine your reasons for doing so. . . are you trying to get a response from her? Make her jealous? Mentioning the other girl seems like manipulation to me. . . maybe it's not, but it comes off sounding that way. I think the best thing the other girl can do for you is give you some internal motivation for having this talk with your ex, and for withdrawing if your ex says she can't date you right now. If your ex presses you about why you need her to make a decision, you can mention wanting to date others. If she presses you on that, you can mention the girl -- you catch my drift.
  5. DaisyB
    I think everything you've done so far has been good. . . I think you should continue to be honest, patient, and understanding with her, and stay in contact for as long as she seems to want contact. But I don't think you should go overboard -- she wanted the space, so you need to try and give it to her. If she thinks you've withdrawn too much and asks why, you can simply explain that you wanted to give her space, and if she wants more contact, to let you know. I think you should definitely respond to her last letter, since you said you were going to. But like you've already done, take your time responding. You've given her a lot to think about with your last letter, and she may need to process that (and other things) before hearing from you again. As for what you should say in your response -- the letter you posted sounds good. (I love the story about her hearing what you were singing in your head, by the way!) It lets her know how you're doing, and doesn't pressure her to make up her mind, or take you back. I usually hate the term "game" for describing a relationship with someone you love. I use it here sometimes because when we need advice, it's as if we're forming a "game plan." But in this case, I think your "game" should continue to be honest communication with your ex. Good luck.
  6. DaisyB
    I would go ahead with the talk, even after she's shown a few positive signs. Those positives are good, but they don't solve the bigger issues. However, don't forget about the things she has done -- if it's a big deal for her to have invited you to lunch or driven to your house, don't trivialize those things. Just tell her that you're not sure where your relationship is right now, and you're worried about getting into the same pattern that you were in before you broke up. . . then you could talk about taking risks. Make sure you really do listen, and be prepared for her to say, "I just don't know right now." If that's what she says, then don't press the issue. As far as her ex-husband goes -- I wouldn't worry about him for now. Because of their child, he's always going to be a factor in her life. But she doesn't seem to have any feelings for him that would threaten how she feels about you. If she says she doesn't know, or that she needs more time, what will be your response? Total withdrawal? More of the same game? I admit -- even though I would probably do the conservative, long-term plan, I'm ready for someone to pull something really crazy. What about telling her you love her but you aren't waiting around forever, then packing your bags, selling your house, moving to Tahiti, and getting a job giving foot massages and tattoos to beautiful women?[/i]
  7. DaisyB
    No news yet -- he won't be back till late tomorrow or Monday -- but just some thoughts. I'm having kind of a gloomy Saturday morning. I'm sure part of it is the weather. . . yesterday was gorgeous here and I felt good -- today is cloudy with sporadic rain, and that's exactly how I'm feeling, too. The problem with giving someone time and space is that it's so indefinite. I know -- that indefinable quality is what makes time and space so necessary and valuable. I just wish it weren't so scary and painful. I wish I knew more of what he's thinking and feeling, but I don't want to press too much right now. But sometimes it drives me crazy to have a light IM conversation with him when I crave something more real. I haven't seen him in a month, and I'm hoping he'll suggest getting together sometime soon. He has a good opportunity for a summer position in a different city, and I think he's going to take it -- I'm pretty sure that he'll suggest seeing each other at least once before he leaves. If not, I'm going to take the initiative on that one. He's said that he's grateful for the opportunity to spend the summer in a different place, so that he "won't make any major decisions for the wrong reasons." I guess that's good in the healthy, overall sense of things. I'd hate for us to get back together for the wrong reasons (whatever those are), only to regret it later. But it looks like I'm going to have to be patient for the long haul.
  8. DaisyB
    Ah, the time has come. I hope it goes well. Good for you for identifying that this has been a constant problem for the two of you. You know what you need to say better than the rest of us do. Just make sure your tone is calm and straightforward -- try to stick to what you feel, rather than putting words in her mouth ("I don't know how to treat you right now" instead of "you don't seem interested in our relationship"). Then say what you need to say, confident that you've done as much as you can to make this relationship work. Good luck. I'll be thinking about you.
  9. DaisyB
    My collection of Rich Advice is now: 1) Never go out with a passive aggressive 2) Be careful dating others 3) Don't ever mess with your video card (my personal favorite) My instinct regarding your future paths is to go with #1 (no contact for another week), and see what happens. If she hasn't contacted you yet, you can go with #2 (email that says you've fixed her laptop). That might even allow you to do #3 (have The Talk). Obviously, #3 is the riskiest of all these. It needs to happen at some point, but only you know when that point should be. As for the other ex (Two exes at once! You stud!) I think you should keep it very casual until you've figured out the situation with the current ex. So if you're going on a date this weekend, have fun but keep it cool. Don't make any plans to see her again until next weekend, at best. I'd play it very slow, because the two of you have a past connection (this isn't like dating somebody new) and it could get out of control fast if you're not careful. The other ex may help matters in a way. . . if things go well, and you want to keep seeing her, it could help you decide what you want to do with the current ex. Maybe a little bit of outside pressure is just what this game needs!
  10. DaisyB
    Hey, sugarplum. . . The break situation is a tough one, but I think there is hope for you and your bf. From reading your posts, it seems like both you and he really want this to work out. . . you're both just emotionally exhausted right now. I suggest giving him as much space as possible from now until May. Don't contact him, don't suggest seeing each other. It sounds like he's dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions, and needs time away from you to sort them all out. Like you said to him, it's normal for him to enjoy being single right now -- it's certainly easier than dealing with your relationship. Eventually, though, that new rush of freedom will wear off, and he'll start considering what life would really be like without you. Giving him space will be hard at first, but eventually, you start to get used to it, and it becomes easier. You start finding new ways to fill your time. But don't worry about losing your connection to your bf -- that's strong enough to stay. If he still has no idea in May how he wants your relationship to progress, you could suggest a break-up, if that's what you need to preserve your sanity. A break-up doesn't get rid of all chances of getting back together (just read this forum!) but it may give you the closure you need to do some permanent healing. If he wants to stay on a break and suggests another deadline, figure out if you can deal with that, emotionally, before you agree to it. Either way, continue to give him lots of space. He needs it right now, and so do you. Your connection together is strong, sugarplum. Trust that your connection will be there for a while, then enjoy your space.
  11. DaisyB
    I like all your posts too, Rich. I don't have time to post so much, but I have similar thoughts running through my head during the day, and I like seeing how someone else is dealing with them. I agree with Beec that simple is better, especially if you're interested in a long-term game. In the long term, you don't have to address everything all at once. . . it can slowly emerge as the game progresses. I can understand you wanting to bring up the passion thing, especially since it seems to convey her stance on relationships (expecting someone else to bring her happiness). But I would be very cautious about saying anything that may put her on the defensive. At some point, you do need to know where you stand with her, and you do need to be firm about your stance (if it's "just friends" -- our favorite, right? -- make sure you withdraw substantially). But I think the way you handle this is key. . . if you're loving and friendly and then withdraw, you let her think she's missed out on a great guy. If she feels attacked and pressured, she may be happy to see you go.
  12. DaisyB
    A fourth contact from him last night (another IM): Hey...just wanted to say goodnight and that I hope you have a good rest of the week. I have been busy today...sheesh. I leave tomorrow midday to go with [mutual male friend] to [mutual male friend's hometown]. I will miss you while I'm there. And I'm sure the dogs will too. It was hard to be in [your home state] without you, especially [your hometown]. But I keep thinking that this is right. This is good. It's healthier than, for instance, the last time we "broke up." So I guess it's best to keep doing it. I hope you're doing okay. I'll let you know when I get back from Easter. Take care of yourself. Not too sure what to make of that one. I like the tone of it -- the beginning, at least. I like the "I will miss you." I like the four contacts in 24 hours. Obviously, I don't like the ending. I don't know where to go from here. I didn't respond to the message, so I guess I have the weekend to figure out my next move. Both of us travel fairly frequently, so we've had a lot of forced NC in the past 3 months, which is probably good. (We get the space, but no one's to blame for not contacting the other.) I agree with him that we have needed the space, and some good things have come from it. But it's not my final resting place. Is he actively trying to figure out what he wants to do about us? Has he given "us" up completely? Is he just lazily waiting to "see where it goes"?
  13. DaisyB
    The NC for two weeks sounds like a good plan. (Although I'm betting she calls you before then. Would you respond if she does?) Remember that you just saw her yesterday, right? And left her confused, and wanting more of Rich. That's a good thing. I definitely understand your frustration at her reluctance to give you much feedback. At one point, I think you said that she's slow to take risks. . . she's probably especially cautious right now. I don't know your ex, but if she acts as you described, I would guess that the only way she would take a risk is if she feels extremely comfortable (not much of a risk then) or if she feels it's her last hope. You can play both these angles, I think -- maybe even at the same time! You can make her feel extremely comfortable with you when you want, or you can take away all comfort and make her think she's losing you. The comfort builds up her courage to take a risk when she finds she needs to.
  14. DaisyB
    So. . . he's contacted me three times since he got back into town last night. He also said that he avoiding going through my hometown (he was traveling in my old home state) because he "didn't want to be there without me." I'm in a good mood tonight, so I'm reading this as a good sign, ignoring that 1) the contacts were all IM messages/conversations, 2) he said he had to go first (drat!), and 3) we didn't talk about anything of much substance (except the "didn't want to be there without me" comment). I'm trying not to get too confident, either. . . over these 3 months I've realized that these contacts are usually followed by a depressed day or two, when my hopes are high but aren't met. Also got a new haircut tonight to go with the new pink shoes. I figured a little celebration was in order. . .
  15. DaisyB
    Also -- thanks for your advice a few posts back. I've got to play this carefully -- I don't want to withdraw too quickly or too much, because I think that would hurt everything we've built so far (we've gone from "this is definitely over" to "sometimes I really want you back" to "we need to decide what the next step is") but I don't want him to just use me for security until he feels strong, or -- worse -- slip into being "just friends." (When I tried to ask him what he thought the next step should be, he just said "I don't know yet." So that discussion went nowhere.) I like the new picture. . .
  16. DaisyB
    I like the first part, Rich (but I think I'd say "you don't seem very interested" as opposed to "you seem bored"), but only if she asks why you're withdrawing. Otherwise I'd keep playing your game the way you are, at least for a few more innings. I wouldn't bring up passion. I would keep trying to show her passion, but I would refrain from talking about it. Discussing passion is like analyzing humor. . . the thing dies in the process. Your game is progressing well. . . it's just a long-term game. You've got her confused, and (at least the other day) longing for more.
  17. DaisyB
    I know what you mean. . . the angry days are much easier (and, in a way, kind of fun -- I do wild and crazy things when I'm angry!) but the sad ones. . . hell on earth. Hang in there, GeeCee. . . I'm new to posting, but I've been following your story for a while, and you've given me a lot of hope and reassurance without even knowing it. You're a strong woman, and you will pull through. (Fat lot of good it does now, I know. But you know it's true.)
  18. DaisyB
    "Stepping into a mystery". . . sounds intriguing, Rich. I've been following your story for a while and have a similar one myself. My ex and I are in fairly frequent contact, he says he's "still deciding" (whatever that means), and he sometimes gives me good signals, sometimes indifferent ones. Makes me want to kill him, if I didn't love him so much. I've also decided to be mysterious for a while. . . not withdraw completely, but be a little more vague and a little less available and see how it goes. It's hard to be mysterious when our exes know us so well, isn't it? You seem to be doing well at your game, my friend. Keep it up.
  19. DaisyB
    Thanks, GeeCee. . . I've been reading this forum for a while and have been following your stories and advice -- I've been rooting for you! I think I agree with you on being less available. . . but that doesn't mean I like it. (Or even that I'll be able to do it, but I'm going to try. . .) He comes back from out of town today, and said he'd give me a call/IM tonight or tomorrow. I think this'll be a great time to try a new strategy, since he doesn't know what I've been up to since he's been gone. . . Have fun getting your new shoes! I bought new ones this weekend. Pink. . . I never used to wear pink!
  20. DaisyB
    I realize that patience is probably the appropriate, mature way to go. But there are several problems with it, that I see. . . 1) Just so durn hard! 2) Might not be working He does still contact me, but the contact doesn't seem to be as frequent or as intimate as it was a month or two ago. I would hate for him to contact me only until he feels secure enough to leave for good. . . Some background on this guy: he is notorious for being a slow decision maker, especially about major life issues like this. He once said that his life seemed to "happen to him," rather than he making any firm decisions about what should happen in his life. (That's not quite true -- he DOES make decisions -- but the fact that he feels that way is significant, I think.) So -- I don't want to lose him by continually playing it cool. I might need to make a big move sometime soon, but I'm not sure when I should do it, or what I should do.
  21. DaisyB
    We dated for almost 4 years, and broke up about 3 months ago. We'd been talking about marriage for over a year, and he kept saying he wasn't ready. . . he wasn't sure. Eventually, he said he couldn't be sure unless something changed about our relationship. We live in the same town, have the same friends, had dinner every night, spent weekends together. . . we hadn't said the vows or bought the rings, but everything was comfortable. Not always exciting -- although sometimes it was -- but warm. Reliable. We've kept in contact for the past 3 months -- mainly IMs, and a phone call once a week or so. We've seen each other a few times. I try not to bring up the relationship, but when I do (or when he volunteers information), he still says "I don't know what the next step is." I don't know how to react to that. . . I don't want to hang on too much. But I want to keep in contact with him (he initiates, most of the time), and, of course, I want him to eventually decide to be with me. Most of the time I'm confident that he will. . . but sometimes, I'm not so sure. He seems very reluctant to decide one way or another. Is there something I should be doing differently to "help" him decide? Or do I just need to be patient?
×
×
  • Create New...