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DaisyB

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  1. DaisyB
    Hey, S&D. . . Here's what I might try. . . lay low for a little while longer, then when it gets closer to her birthday, tell her you'd like to do something with her for her birthday and suggest hiking. That shows you still care about her enough to want to do something for her b-day, but you're still "aloof" in that you aren't suggesting anything overtly romantic. Judging from her phone calls and emails, it sounds like she loves you and misses you, but she's still not sure what she wants. I think she might be scared off by anything TOO date-like, but a nonthreatening meeting -- especially if you say you want to do it for her birthday -- might be casual enough for her to accept.
  2. DaisyB
    Oh, no -- there are TWO of them out there! Thanks for your post, Berty75 -- our stories do sound incredibly -- almost eerily -- similar. I'd be happy to get your opinion any time! Tonight's IM conversation (I save them, too!) drove me nuts. We've been flirting a lot lately, and he's been contacting me more and more frequently, which you'd think would be a good sign. But just when I'm starting to get my hopes up (and oh, I try not to), he says something like "being apart is best right now" or "we shouldn't get used to seeing each other too much." (Sometimes not outright -- sometimes he just hints at those things.) It's so hard to know how to respond when he says something like that. I'm trying to play it cool and be patient, and not ask too many questions. I don't want to fall back into pressuring him again. I also don't want to suddenly become cold and shut him off. But man, it makes me angry sometimes. . . tonight it took all the control I had not to blow up at him. The fact that it was an IM conversation helped. (Not really sure what I would have said, but something along the lines of "Why can't you ever figure out what you want?") Of course I would have regretted it immediately. He knows his commitment-phobia is a problem, and I know he's not doing it on purpose. He's been very honest with me in telling me that he needs space and time to figure things out. He's never asked me to wait for him, or not to date other people. But he still says that he misses me and loves me, and obviously, I miss and love him. I wish I knew exactly what to do, Berty75. For my own sanity I've given him a secret deadline of a year from our break-up to decide where he wants to go from here. I'm trying to concentrate on other things in my life and remain open to the possibility of dating others. But other than that, I'm not sure. Being patient is tough. . .
  3. DaisyB
    So many fun decisions! I like the camping idea a lot, but I can't tell if it's too soon, or just right. You're right -- timing is key here. So is the balance between passionate lover and partner/best friend. . . being there with her son is important, but so is wine and romance. She seems to crave both. So it's SuperRich to the rescue, complete with a toothbrush and an escape plan. . .
  4. DaisyB
    Curiouser and curiouser. . . He IMs today and asks how my Sunday was. . . and I can't lie to him. Just not part of my game. So I'm purposely vague and say that I had a tough day -- that Sundays in general have been hard for me. He presses a little more and I tell him about my horrible dream last night, and he asks what caused it. . . finally I say, "I just really missed you yesterday." And change the subject. When we say goodbye, he tells me that he'll talk to me again tonight, which he does. . . and we have a very good, very natural conversation. I mention that I looked into taking massage classes, and he hints that he could benefit from that, too. . . then says that he wishes things "weren't the way they are." At the end of the conversation, he asks me to come over again. He's serious, but he puts it so lightly it's almost joking. But this time I told him no. . . not only do I think saying no is a good thing right now, I'm honestly just too tired tonight. He says of course he wants me to get my sleep, I apologize but remain firm, and we end on a good note. Oh, this is feeling good. . . But. I need to concentrate on something else for a few days, I think, lest I get too obsessed with this. . . make sure my energy is going somewhere productive. I'm worried that if he starts initiating more contact, I might get so caught up in it that I forget the situation we're in and how we got there in the first place. So, busy busy busy for a while.
  5. DaisyB
    A nunnery? Oh no, GeeCee, oh no!
  6. DaisyB
    Thanks, Steve and Stingseed. Man, when those bad days hit, they can hit hard. . . I'm feeling much better after going to work and concentrating on something else for a while. So strange how my emotions can affect my sense of reality. I know my ex isn't dating anyone else. I know he has good days and bad days (same as I do), and I know that he's not going to do anything drastic, like. . . I don't know. . . running off to Vegas and marrying a showgirl. I know he loves and misses me and has thoughts of us getting back together, he just doesn't know when or for sure. His main struggle, as best I understand it, is fear of commitment. As far as I can tell, that's what caused the relationship to end. Instead of being sympathetic and patient with him, I got upset and continued to push. . . which, of course, made him pull away, made me push more. . . we all know this story. I'm not sure how to rectify it now, but I hope that time apart will make me more patient and him more committed. But we'll see. Maybe I'll just become a showgirl instead. So you're right, Stingseed, it's all about me for now. Gonna go for a run and try to beat yesterday's time. Take care, all.
  7. DaisyB
    Steve -- Very very good. You did the right thing by not calling her. Rich -- Stealth Massage would be a great name for a rock band. I think you should go for it on Thursday.
  8. DaisyB
    Rich -- You know what's great about this? You sound so good. So confident and calm. Congratulations on the non-smoking, too! It sounds like she is starting to get reeled back in, but slowly. You're right in that you can't be over-eager or over-analytical here. She's shown some interest, but you need to see if it holds up. You are absolutely right in just taking it each date at a time.
  9. DaisyB
    And down we go again. . . No real reason for it, but after my run yesterday I entered one of those dark periods. . . just kind of down and depressed. I had one of those days where I stayed very busy, but couldn't stop thinking of him all day long. I made it through the day okay but didn't sleep very well, and had horrible dreams. . . The ex and I had lots of very flirty contact on Saturday, but nothing yesterday, until this message (which I didn't get till this morning): Hey...I am just now getting home. It has been a long day, but a good one. I hope you have had a good day too and that you have a great day tomorrow. Take care of yourself, and I'll try to be in touch early this week sometime. Goodnight. Which doesn't seem that bad, I guess. . . I just wonder where he was all day (until 12:30 in the morning), and, I admit, I don't like the idea of him out having a good time when I'm having such a bad day. I know that this affects absolutely nothing in the long-term, and I have no intention of changing my game plan right now. I'm just ready for these stupid bad days to go away.
  10. DaisyB
    Thanks Steve and GeeCee. . . you guys made me feel really good. I'm just trying to figure all of this out as I go, and hope I'm making the right decisions. (As are we all, I guess.) It's a gorgeous day outside today, so I'm going out to stretch those running legs. . .
  11. DaisyB
    GeeCee, I like it. I like it a lot. (Of course, I'm not always a rule-follower myself.) You initiated some casual contact, you went out on a date with someone new, you're comfortable enough to call the ex and laugh about it, and your ex seems willing to talk and help. I think all of those are good. When does he get back in town?
  12. DaisyB
    Hey, Steve. . . It's okay. You replied, it's done. I don't think your reply was horrible -- all it said was that you'd had a good weekend and you'd been really busy -- which is fine. I don't think that's enough to turn her on or off. If she holds true to pattern, she'll try to contact you again eventually. And again, it will be your call whether or not to respond. It sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do before the two of you can get back together. So keep that in mind while you're playing your game. If you want to stay in minimal contact with her, make sure you can handle it, emotionally. Remember that she is still with the other guy and has not said or shown that she wants to get back together for good. I think your situation could benefit from complete NC for a while -- you could get her out of your head some more, she could have a real chance to miss you and grow emotionally -- but, of course, that's your call.
  13. DaisyB
    Rich -- Can you hold off saying it? Since you've had a relationship-oriented talk recently, I would try to hold back on this one. Drink a little coffee, flirt a little (but nothing physical), then leave it at that for now. Did you ever see My Fair Lady? I keep thinking of that song Eliza sings: "Don't talk of love, show me." Now, of course there are times we need to talk about relationships, but sometimes I think most of our love analysis is better left unsaid. (Although I, too, am curious about her feelings on the not-moving-in. Maybe I need to enter this relationship!)
  14. DaisyB
    Very well said, Rich. I think hiking agrees with you! Steve -- I definitely understand where you're coming from. When I first broke up with my ex, everyone told me to get busy and move on, but I was worried that if I tried to move on, my feelings for my ex would go away, and I didn't want that to happen. I loved him and wanted to be with him. I didn't want to fall out of love with him. But I couldn't force him back, so I had to start living my life without him. . . in a sense, moving on. I think taking things a day at a time is about all we can do. My love for my ex hasn't faded (even though I've had days where I "hated" him), but I'm no longer afraid of being without him. Try to trust that your love will be there for a while, and, slowly, try to concentrate on other things. If it helps, remember that being busy creates intrigue from the ex. . . and that will set you up for the situation that Rich is talking about.
  15. DaisyB
    I haven't been able to log on for a few days, so forgive the condensed update. There's been a little rule-breaking going on, so I know some of you will disapprove, but I think it's going okay. . . On Wednesday he IMed me several times. . . I was working on my taxes and truly busy, so that helped. But he ended with "If you're done in an hour and you want to, give me a call before you go to bed." Argh! Well, of course I was done in an hour. So. . . I called. We had a great conversation, very light and fun, and then he asked -- out of nowhere -- "Is it okay that we've talked on the phone three times this week?" Well, I wasn't ready for that one. I sort of stumbled my way through it without actually answering, until I could say, "Do you think it's okay?" He said that he'd enjoyed it, but he didn't want to "go through all of this breaking-up stuff without getting anything out of it." This was followed by a very awkward relationship conversation, in which was determined 1) if anything changes about our relationship status, it would happen after August, after he returns from his summer position, and 2) anything could happen between now and then. Then the conversation turns flirtaceous. Eventually, he invites me to come over. (It's about 1 am by this time.) Again, he leaves it in my hands. He says that he really wants to see me, but if I don't want to come or don't think it's right, he will understand. Now, I know that probably I should have said no, and just basked in the glory of knowing that he wanted to see me. But I didn't. Sorry, guys. But it was 1 am, and I really wanted to see him, too, and I couldn't log on to the computer to get your advice, and. . . well, I guess at the time, a few hours of bliss seemed better than months of hoping for an uncertain future. Sometimes you've just got to take the risk, I think. So I go. No details here (sorry). It's every bit as wonderful and tender and incredible as you might imagine, times 1000. We don't talk about the relationship at all while I'm there. I leave in the morning to go to work and go through my day as normal. . . that evening he IMs just to chat, and says that he really enjoyed the night. I say that I did, too. And no, nothing has really changed, but it hasn't gotten worse, either. He's contacted me a few times since then (no more or less than he had been doing), and I've been trying to stay busy, and remember that, as he says, "anything could happen between now and August." Whew. So that's where we stand. I guess I'm back to playing my long-term game. I'm up for a promotion at work and have been running a lot, although no fabulous brand-new hobby yet. I'll let you know. I've missed you guys. . .
  16. DaisyB
    Hi, GeeCee. . . Congratulations on 14 days! You know I support your contacting him now. . . we have to break the rules sometimes. And you can always go back to NC afterwards. Good luck. . . let us know how it goes.
  17. DaisyB
    Just read your latest, Rich -- congratulations! That is a huge step. Don't worry if she seems angry or upset right now -- she's just confused. And that's good. . . now, if she contacts you, you can be as nice and charming as can be -- but still decide to do your own thing, if you've made other plans. She'll start to want more of you. . .
  18. DaisyB
    Oh, I've missed you all. . . I haven't been able to log on since Tuesday, when they did the "improving the server" thing. Hope I'm able to post. Rich -- it sounds like she's still interested, just still skittish. . . and I think you're doing the right thing. You still want her, so you're playing a long term game, but you aren't letting that stop you from moving on and even dating other women. If she invites you to do something and you have other plans, I would tell her so (painful as that is!) and suggest an alternative day/time if appropriate. (You're right -- I wouldn't mention that your "other plans" are a date -- not just yet. Be mysterious.) I would still offer to help her move, just not on Saturday. When you're strong enough to do so, I would suggest a date. But I think this is only appropriate when you're able to go on it without pinning all your hopes on that date. I have much news on the situation with my ex, as soon as I update my thread. Of course the action starts when I'm not able to post and get your opinions! SteveNaive -- I'll post on your situation soon. [/i]
  19. DaisyB
    Thanks for your support, Geecee No contact from him today -- yet -- although I really didn't expect any. . . after yesterday's deluge (a bunch of IMs, an email, and a phone call!), I imagine that he's satiated. . . for now. Oh, but he'll be back again. The great thing -- even better than all that contact, really -- is how free I'm feeling right now. . . I still want him back, but as I'm becoming more interested and involved in new things, I find I'm becoming more patient. And if the wanting him back wears off, then so it does. . . Still nowhere near that happening, though. And nowhere near wanting to date anyone else. I do want to take up a new hobby, though. Something where I can meet some new people. Not sure what, yet. I'll keep you posted. Goodnight, all.
  20. DaisyB
    I'm glad you're sending the letter, shocked&dismayed, if only because you said that you would. Even though she's your ex, keeping your word is still important (especially if you want her back). But it was a good decision to wait a week before sending it. Try to keep it as short and calm as you can. After sending this letter, though, I still think you should try to go at least a month with no contact. (I'm sort of amending my past advice to you.) If she contacts you and you want to reply, I think you still can, but keep it very short and light. No relationship talks. After a month -- maybe -- you might want to initiate some light contact, depending on how you feel and how the month goes. . .
  21. DaisyB
    Hi, Lobster -- Glad to know you're hanging in there! You're doing exactly the right things with his mail and his stuff -- just pack the stuff up and put it away for now, and if he wants it, he'll let you know. Obviously if he contacts you over something urgent or important, you'll have to have contact with him -- just keep the interaction to a minimum. Don't worry about it spoiling "no contact." He can't mess with that. Remember, it's all about you right now. Sounds a little selfish, but it's true. . .
  22. DaisyB
    The saga continues. . . Lots of light contact today and tonight, including a phone call. Apparently this Monday wasn't as busy for him as Mondays usually are. All good -- even a little light flirting -- but nothing monumental. Maybe I was too available today, but I think (I hope) I'm at a point where I can handle talking to him without getting too worked up about it. Don't get me wrong -- I get excited when he contacts me -- but I think I'm able to keep it in perspective. I haven't initiated contact in about a month now, I'm not always immediately available, and I certainly don't beg him to get back together. I do have to keep reminding myself that we're still broken up -- he's said he misses me, but he hasn't said "I love you" or "I want you back." And we seem to be long way from that stage. I almost did a very stupid thing at the end of our call tonight, though. Our call was so natural, and I was so comfortable, that I sort of slipped into autopilot as I was saying goodnight. . . and I almost said "I love you." Now, of course I do, but we've stopped saying it, and I wouldn't even have been saying it on purpose. . . it was just sort of a reflex after saying goodnight. But luckily, I caught myself in time, and just said "Sleep well." So we'll see what tomorrow brings. A day at a time. Sleep well.
  23. DaisyB
    Hi, Lobster. . . Sugarplum's right. . . you haven't done anything wrong here. It's your husband who wanted to leave. She's also right in saying that the guy who stayed over has nothing to do with the relationship between you and your husband. . . it sounds like there are much deeper issues here. I'm glad you're going with NC for a while. . . that should give you both some space to heal and think things over. Let us know how you're doing. I'll be thinking about you.
  24. DaisyB
    Good luck tonight, Rich. . . Keep on keeping it calm and cool. Remember, you can always go to Tahiti.
  25. DaisyB
    It does happen. I've known many people who've gotten back together after breaking up. Some of them are even married now. Following the advice on here won't guarantee that you'll get back together. Nothing guarantees that. But the great thing about No Contact (or minimal contact) is that it prepares you for either circumstance -- getting back together or staying separated -- because it gives you 1) time to work on yourself, 2) a chance to see the relationship more clearly, 3) space for your ex to miss you, and 4) a change to "reinvent" the relationship if you do get back together, or a chance to make your future relationships even better than your past ones. Some of the people I've known who got back together did No Contact. Some did minimal contact. Some agreed on doing it together, others did it separately. But every couple I know who got back together (and stayed together) spent some significant time apart from each other first. It's sort of like they couldn't live with each other again until they learned to live without each other. So it works, sometimes. And it can happen. But either way, the advice on here is some of the best I've seen -- no matter if you move on with or without your ex.
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