sugarplum

yeah, i feel for you being on "a break" can really suck--you feel like you are in a constant state of limbo. unlike, your situation though we actually agreed to see other people, still not sure if that was the best decision but maybe we both need to see what life is like without one another. and i definitely agree with you, it is not a good idea to see each other if you end up talking about the relationship. i was pretty good about being positive on all of our dates up until two weeks ago...it seems i've regressed a little. one thing i know is the longer the break goes on the harder it is to believe you'll ever come back to one another---we still have about one month to go...

i agree with you in that in many ways i do need to move on but i dont want to give up on something if there is still hope. one thing he has made clear is that this break is not about finding another person to be with and that the reason he has recently begin to feel this way is because of all the stress that has been happening between us (read my original post to find out more...). but you're right i do need to let go break or no break. at least that way i am in a good space no matter what the outcome.

i have a couple of questions--how much contact have you had while you were broken up and how did you treat her durin this time? i too am in a similair situation (i'm the ex gf...)

my boyfriend and i have been on a break for about two months now and agreed to get back together in the beginning of may to try and work things out and see where we were at with our feelings for one another... for the whole story go here: link removed well, he called me this morning and now i am completely confused and wonder if i should give up all together. he called me this morning to tell me a package arrived at his house for me from an old friend and we were figuring out a time that i could pick it up. i suggested that he just drop it off to me since we were planning on getting together sometime this week anyway. he immediately responded with hesitancy and said i was manipulating him to spend time with me--i told him that i wasnt but had thought that was the plan all along (under the conditions of our break we hang out once a week...) he then went on to say he cared deeply for me and still loved me but was beginning to wonder if he could really come back to this relationship--he was starting to think that the break had created so many new problems we would not be able to get past them and work things out in the end. he also admitted that he was having a lot of fun being single and wondered if we could even get the spark back. i went along with TSOG and agreed with him--i said the break was taking a toll on our relationship and it is not surprising to me that he feels like its easier to be single. I also mentioned that because of the break and spending less time with one another its not unusual that the "spark" we once had seems diminished--under such conditions it would be crazy to think butterflies could still exist. i then went further by saying i had made it very difficult by not giving him more space and pressuring him to think about the relationship when we were supposed to be taking some time off. he responded well and said that was exactly what he felt---that things have been so hard during the break and f&^*cked up he sometimes thinks our relationship is better left alone. i then said to him if you want to move on just tell me because i want you to be happy. he then said he just didnt know--he doesnt know what he wants, he doesnt know what he feels, and he doesnt know if it will work out in the end. i asked him again if he wanted to break it off and he said no, not for now. he added he was really confused and did not want to make a decision feeling so confused and that we were still on the break and in his head we were still together. i admitted to him this made me nervous but thanked him for his honesty--yet now i feel like i am simply playing the waiting game---that at any day he can call and say it's over. i'm not sure if i should just walk away from this or go along with this break hoping he'll pull through. i want to be with him but at the same time i dont want to be a safety net. i also wonder if there is anything i can do at this point to bring him back to me or to at least not make him feel so overwhelmed by it all. it's just starting to sound like the stress and pressure is getting to him and making his hope/feelings diminish.

thanks for your support lostinvan--i agree to, that this relationship is worth saving. i know it may sound hopeless to many of the readers due to his recent responses but the bottom line is he is still with me and that has to mean something. like him, i often wonder if "hanging in there" is worth so much stress and often feel like it may not work out in the end. sometimes i think it would be better to completely move on but this relationship has been a significant part of my life and there really is no harm in trying. even if it is only a small part of each of us that is curious and hopeful to be together that may be enough to forge a new beginning--if nothing else it is at least an open door to the possibilty. so i do understand why dealingwithit thinks i should just move on but it doesnt hurt to hold a little optimism. and in many ways i am moving on by trying to get stronger but that doesnt mean i have to leave him behind in the process. in fact, the moving on process will probably aid in our reconciliation...

please dont apologize for your advice--you are right i am fighting major insecurity issues that have become even more intensified with the knowledge he is dating other people. it's just hard, and i know i am making it even harder on myself by the actions i am choosing to do but i am determined to not slip up this time. and although i must sound like a lost cause right now i have been taking positive steps--there have been weeks i have gone without calling, i have taken up yoga, i see a therapist now, i have made new friends, i am reading more, i am more focused on my studies---it just seems like last week i suffered a major setback and i need to forgive myslef and continue moving on positvely. i think the reason being on break seems so much harder than breaking up is because there is nothing final--you are essentially in limbo. a part of you wants to move on but at the same time because of the situation that you both have agreed upon you cannot completely let go because of the hope you have to work things out in the future.

hi guys, thanks for your advice it is quite helpful. i know i need to give him space but putting that in action is so hard sometimes... even though it's only a small step i can give myself a little credit for resisiting the urge to call him this week--the last time i talked to him was sunday night--he actually ended the conversation by hanging up me. this was not a complete surprise, he did threaten to do so if i did not stop with all of the questions... basically in that conversation he said the week had been so hard on us that he didnt know what he thought or felt about me/us anymore. i kept pushing him to tell me why he bothered staying then--was i a safety net or is he afraid to leave me? he answered no to both these questions. he actually sounded so drained and frustrated all he could say was "i really dont know why i am staying with you anymore...i am pretty much over it but you are such a big part of my life i cant let you go so easy especially when things are like this, perhaps the frustration is clouding my thoughts and in the end there really is no harm in trying." he asked me to give him some space to calm down and clear his head and that in a week or so we would talk and make plans to spend some time together--it's weird he sounds like he's lost all hope yet there is a part of him (albeit small...) that is still hanging in there. i know i need to give him space and i have so far this week. in fact he called me on monday (the very next day after hanging up on me...) and left a message asking if i wanted him to go to the hospital with me (i have a doctor's appt). he didnt say anything about the night before but i thought it was strange he called so soon. i decided to not call him back this time and give us both some space and when/if he calls agin i will return that call within a day. as much as i love him and i was pressuring him i did not appreciate the way he spoke to me so i felt it was okay to not return his call and give myself some time to calm down and actually see if he notices of misses me since I have always responded quickly to him in the past. i also wanted to question why you felt seeing other people was not a good idea...it seems that he is really questioning whether or not he can take it to the next level with me and i feel part of that is seeing what it is like to be single again (sowing your wild oats, so to speak...) as i said he's been with me awhile since he was pretty young and only dated a year before me and i am also 4 years older than him with a lot more experience under my belt.

my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 3 1/2 years now and have been on "a break" for almost 2 months. here's the story (sorry its very long: in january things between heand i started to go downhill, i can take responsibility for this and say i was creating a lot of problems by constantly picking fights and making him feel as if i were not happy. although we tried several times to relieve the stress we always wound up fighting again. the week of valentines day my boyfriend confessed he wanted a break--with everything else that was going on in his life he did not want the stress that was coming from the relationship. he felt if we took some time off from one another we would be able to relieve some tension and come back to each other with a renewed feeling about our relationship---he also felt that in time the tension would die down giving us a better place to work at saving the relationship. he was very clear that he did not want to break up but just needed some time away and would come back to us. we decided valentines day would be our last day together for a month--it was amazing, laughter, tears, promises--i felt really good about things. unfortunately, i could not stick to the break out of my own fear and began calling him a week into it. although he always took my calls and was very nice i could tell with each call he became more and more annoyed with me and wondered if the break would ever happen. not to mention i was constantly questioning him and nagging him about what he was doing/feeling when i would call him. i should also mention we both mutually agreed that we could see other people while on the break. he began dating someone two weeks into the break which really hurt me. he said their relationship was casual and had no bearing on ours--he also said he was not looking to commit to her but wanted to explore dating. he felt he had been with me for so long and from such a young age (he was 21 when we got together, he's now 25 and only really started dating around age 20) that he never had the opportunity to date. i guess in a way he wants to sow his wild oats. i can somewhat understand this as i have had several friends go through the same thing. shortly after finding out he was dating someone i ran into him on the street and lost it. he brought me to his house to calm me down and said the break was over. that he never meant for me to go through so much pain over this and thought i was okay with it. he said he loved me and would rather be with me than needing to explore his freedom for awhile--basically the break wasnt worth putting me through this pain and he said ultimately he wanted to be with me anyways. i was excited at first but than i realized if he had these feelings i should let go of my selfishness and fear and give him this time. if i didnt chances were it would manifest itself into problems later down the road. he still didnt feel comfortable going on the break so we comprimised by agreeing to a "controlled separation." sort of the same as a break except we go on one date a week and have one 10-minute call a week as well. in addition a list of comfort rules were established that we had to abide to (e.g. no holding hands with another person in public, no one is allowed at our houses except each other, being upfront with the people we are dating that we are still together, etc). we agreed the separation would end april 16th--i know setting a date seems arbitrary but he felt this was important. he didnt want some ambigious break where there is no real goal in the end. he also understood that things might not be all tied up nicely on that day to come back to the relationship but he felt we need to make a committment to one another to begin focusing on the relationship by a certain day. my therapist says this was a great move on his part as it showed that regardless of what was happening he was willing to leave it all behind to put in the work to make us happen. well, here's where it all goes to hell. even under such conditions i couldnt relax and became more obssesive by calling him, pressuring him, questioning him, etc it got to the point where he would be so stressed out he would start to say mean things and doubt whether or not this could work any longer. he still didnt want to break it off though because he realized it was a hrad situation and the stress could be clouding his feelings. after last week though i wonder if i ruined it for good. basically i called him everyday and we fought. almost to the point where he broke up. i pushed him to tell me why he was still staying with me if he was so unhappy and he seemed so indifferent at times--basically he said i was a big part of his life that he couldnt just walk away from and maybe if the situation was different things could work. he did admit though that with all the fighting he had lost all hope and was "over it" but there was no harm in trying. basically, it seems like he's frustrated to the point of no return but for whatever reason wont let go or at least will give it a try even if he thinks it's not going to work out. i just dont know what to do now to bring back his hope and make those horrible feelings fade. i feel like in the beginning if i had just backed off things would be okay but now i have driven him inot a corner. he says he doesnt know how he feels anymore and the fighting doesnt make it any easier. when i push him to tell me why he's still staying he just yells at me "to relax and let things be..." do you guys think i have ruined things forever or is there still hope? is he just wrapped up in his frustration and thus cant see the positive or have i driven him to the point of no return. i still feel hopeful because he hasnt completely broken it off but now i feel more than ever i need to act and plan accordingly because i am walking on eggshells and dont want to lose this opportunity again. he must still feel something right or he would have just told me to leave forever....