CrashNBurn

Nicole, Thank you so much! I love to bone up on relationship issues, and how to issues as well. I also have a book you might like to read. It's called the "The Five Love Languages" How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, By Gary Chapman, This book is a MUST READ for couples! And now I am off to purchase the book you suggested! Thanks. Peace

Think2Much, you're absolutely right, it could be better. I totally understand how you feel TRUST ME! TRUST ME! I am in the same boat! It just really sucks. It's an empty feeling isn't it? But the fact that I do work and I have friends, and family that make my life a little less stressful is what has probably kept me going. I learned early on in our relationship to KEEP GOING! Fine he doesn't want to share in my activities fine, I was independent when I met him, and I can do it again. And so I have. We are so the opposite as well! But I always understood that. I don't and never have expected any one to agree with my opinions, my ways of life. I believe we all are entitled to our beliefs and I understand you can't change a person. So I continue to live my life, but of course now my husband can't deal with it! I am NOW, NOT giving him the attention he needs. I find that so funny!! I get my emotional support from family friends, and yes I think it sucks that they know me better then my husband does. He can't cope with my male friends, which I find really odd because some of them I have known since grade school. I finally realized how he never had a female friend in his life that was JUST A FRIEND, and looking into his fathers relationship with his mother made me really open my eyes as to how he thinks! Women are here to take care of the man, cook, clean, sex etc. We are just objects in there eyes, FEELINGS?? what feelings! We're not supposed to think or have feelings! Hahaha so see I HAD TO LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT! In so many ways, going to work parties alone, family functions alone, and the sad part was I ALWAYS accompanied him to his functions. Well I realized what a ding dong I was, but at the time it was all I could do, after all I wanted some attention. But that is no more, face it women don't need men as much as they think we do. Well except for SEX that is! But really I could probably walk into a night club to night AND GET THAT NEED MET ASAP!! Yup I know exactly how it is. We don't talk much either, but now that I think about it I can't recall when we ever really did. Our interests were never really the same. He doesn't get my jokes, nor does he enjoy movies that I do, but one thing about my husband, that never stopped him for at least taking me to one and then falling asleep in the theater! Hahaha! Well that was way back when. Now things are far more complicated. Think2Much do you think, If you had time alone with your husband I mean a real vacation with out the kids, do you think it might better your relationship sort of rekindle the romance? Do you think you could enjoy the things you love and still stay married to your husband? I believe it can work but it takes TWO to work it out. Your husband doesn't sound like a jealous insecure man. What do you think? Do you think you resent him in ways because he doesn't understand your interests?

Well Think2Much, I think for the most part, people don’t have the same types of needs, some men or women express love with sex, other with affection, gift giving etc. Every one is different. But one thing is for sure, when your not getting the love you need it can be a pretty miserable relationship. You know, at least your husband made an effort to go to counseling with you, that was a good sign. Why did you lose feelings on the way? Maybe he’s still not meeting your needs? Sure he’s a great dad, provider etc. But can you remember why you where attracted to him in the first place? Maybe you just need to rekindle the romance in your life. I know I still love my husband, but with the issues at hand, I just can’t go on with him like this any more, I personally feel like this is NO WAY TO LIVE. I mean I don’t think you should just settle either, after all we only live once. Make sure you make the most of life. You should think about what is wrong in your relationship. You sound like you have a great husband. So what is it that you really aren’t happy about?

Oh my gosh I couldn’t stop laughing! Bradystjames, You are too funny! Quickies?? hahahaha oh man I wish! If I don’t comply with the whole nine yards routine he’s got! He gets really upset and annoyed! And that’s putting it mildly! He starts with the whole suspicious crap, WHAT IS WRONG with me or the I must be having an affair routine. Heck, don’t think I haven’t tried here! But every time I don’t go full throttle he gets upset. Look I could probably go a month depending on what’s going on in my life. Notice I say MY LIFE! Because pretty much I have MY LIFE and the Man has his. It’s something I learned to accept, because he is so busy working. Like I said, I work as well full time So it’s not like I am sitting on my ass watching TV and eating bon- bons all day waiting for my man to get home so I can service/cater to his every need! I have two kids already! I don’t need another one thank you! Hahaha . And like I said I have learned to accept that! I learned how to accept he his busy all the time, I take my own car to the repair shop, I deal with my work, my kids, my problems my bills, alone. Life goes on, It’s all fine living the separate life, but look what the consequences are. You can’t expect me to want to jump all over a man, who gives me attention only when he feels like getting his groove on. Or when I am not doing things around the house the way he thinks I should be doing them, You get my drift? It’s bad enough I have to hold my anger in about his attitude and verbal abuse! Because if I call him on his attitude I am being a bitch or I must be PMS-ing trust me I have tried being honest with him, I have tried the whole DON’T BLAME him routine. I mean really how can you expect a women to want to be with you after making crude and rude comments? I mean I would be better off going to a bar picking up a stranger, and screwing him, and that would be that! And the “PLUS” of that scene is….I wouldn’t have to deal with the stranger’s, insecurities, whining, complaints and criticism. So you see it’s much deeper then that for most women. The way I see it, is Sex is FALLOWED BY LOVE!…. And there ain’t no love, so there AINT NO SEX! That’s the chain reaction. If a man can’t express his needs with out being a whiny abusive jerk because he isn’t getting his way! THEN that’s his problem. No women should have to put up with that, let him jack off or better yet if it’s that bad for him and he can’t accept the way things are, he can leave. Why should I be the one to have to accept his negative ways, but he can’t accept mine? He can’t have his cake and eat it too. You know women are actually HUMANS! We are people! we aren’t just baby sitters, maids, and sex toys put on this earth so that men can get their kicks off of us. And I think it’s too late because we are getting separated actually I guess since we don’t speak to each other or sleep with each other, we technically are separated. I am sure we will be getting a divorce, it’s just so hard trying to explain it to the kids. Funny because, my life is running the same as always and with out that dark cloud hanging over my head. I feel FREE. And at the same time I am sad because I know I love him, but I can’t remember why any more. It just hurts I guess. So see now he doesn't have to WAIT FOR SEX! he can get it when ever he wants! hahahahaha! his life will be so much better now! AM I RIGHT?? hahahaha Peace!

I just want send a HIGH FIVE TO Gilgamesh, you got that routine down to a "T". Zig, Gilgamesh hit it right on the money. But don't be discouraged, you were at least honest and up front, about how you felt and you spoke up. So what if the cards didn't fall in your favor, you can't win em all the time, but at least you tried right? Chances are she has confrontational issues, but at least you don't. And you will probably make a great boyfriend or husband some day. Much luck to you Zig, don't ever change! Peace Out

PJ, I feel so sad for you both, your wife seems to love you so much and for some reason you seem to have doubts in your relationship, I can't imagine that having a few things not in common would trigger this. Trust me NO MARRIAGE IS PERFECT! it's about love and respect. It's about working through life together, sharing thoughts and feelings, not judging the other persons flaws, but accepting that person for whom they are, I mean after all she can't be that bad, you did fall in love with her for a reason, right? Also I was wondering are you getting more attention from other girls then your used to? now that you are not a dork any more? You know the old saying The Grass is Always Greener on the other side of the fence. Your wife seems to be so in tune with you, the fact that she sense there is something wrong shows how much she really knows you and loves you. I am going to be honest she is probably feeling really bad already, so that excuse on not wanting to hurt her, well your doing it already, your not sharing with her your conversations, instead you are turning to other girls and sharing with them. I mean you didn't really say that your wife avoids your conversations, or that she is mean to you and ignores you, so I am assuming she would be happy to sit and want to have long conversations and share thoughts with you. You know I want to go on about why, your decision to leave isn't such a good one especially when there is a child involved, but I get the feeling your mind might be made up already? is it?? and also I wouldn't want you to be totally miserable, that would be a bad thing for all of you. But really I don't think you realize what you have at home. A wife who is deeply in love with you and a beautiful child. I mean I get the feeling maybe you aren't telling us what really is the problem here, Your wife is not MEAN, are you just not attracted to her any more? what is she LACKING? that other women have? I am not trying to rag on you I just would like to know, why so many people these days, can so easily dispose of their marriage. I mean the divorce rate is so high, it's like people get married and divorced with the seasons. What is that all about? I think we might have a little to many choices to choose from these days in women and men, and people just can't seem to make up their minds what they want. Sure these girls you talk to might have certain qualities that you want right now, but chances are they also have qualities you don't like, and what happens when you find you need another quality you are looking for in a women, are you going to end that relationship as well? Or is the fact that you think your immature the real issue at hand? and what exactly do you mean by that? Is marriage and having the responsibilities of a family just too much for you? Is that what you mean? Did you tell your wife that you where not ready to be mature? or did you mention that you where not happy with the things you didn't have in common with her? I don't know your wife, but maybe she would be willing to meet you half way! if she loves you as much as you think she does, I am sure she would be willing to work these things through, please don't be so quick to dump the marriage down the toilet. At least sit and talk and try and work it through, I hope you can work through this. Please keep us posted as to the outcome.

Faeriechyld, I found your question so interesting, actually I find the whole situation very interesting. I am 37 years old I have two children, one will be in Jr. High soon. The thing is, I look very young for my age, also I work for a University where there are tons of young students who volunteer in our lab. Every time a I meet a new student worker, they automatically assume I am a student at the University. And most of them can't get over my actual age, it's truly funny. One of the Nurses called me the young girl with the old soul of a personality! hahahaha when I told her I really wasn't that YOUNG she couldn't get over it, which of course explained why I have the old soul of a personality hahaha. Any how I am in constant contact with these students some as young as you. And it never once occurred to me to NOT TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY. As a matter of fact I have much respect for them, they are often respectful and very intelligent and most of them have more brains and personality then some of the old farts I work with. Heck, some of the medical fellows are younger then me, with much information to offer. My outlook is.... NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER. I respect those who respect me. Age, sex, color, and religion, have nothing to do with it. Some of the students come from other parts of our world, and just the fact that they left their families and countries to come to school in the States tells me that they are serious and believe in them selves. So to answer your question. "Do you ever find yourself judging someone's knowledge just because of their age?" My answer is NO! and those who do are Ignorant. Each person has much to offer this world, we are all human we all have thoughts and feelings. Don't be discouraged please, all people are not jack ass's. Your friends boyfriend sounds like a total snob, he's probably threatened by her and feels the need to keep her down. Don't get caught up in other peoples negative outlooks in life. Just learn from this. And move forward and I suggest that to your friend as well, because in her boyfriends eyes she will never be MATURE enough for him, she will always be 6 years younger then him, right? PEACE OUT!

First of all this girl is probably RIGHT! you really do need to grow up. Revenge? are you serious?. I guess you LOVED getting treated like that when you where growing up. And you just want to transfer that LOVE to some one else???? Is that it?. I don't care if you did grow up in a house full of girls who taught you that, it's NOT right to want to take a life, especially when she hasn't attempted to take your life. You don't mention WHY you really hate her, has she hurt you in in way? regardless to want to kill someone isn't the answer. You must have a lot of anger bottled up inside. Sounds to me like you might be jealous? why do you gotta HATE like that?. Do you even have a conscience? Why do you hate the fact that she is pregnant? and why do you hate that your boyfriends parents let her stay there? They are nice enough to let you stay there, hell, you keep saying he's your boyfriend, YOUR NOT EVEN MARRIED! your just shacking up with the dude. You think they like having a boarding home for their sons girl friends??. You really have a lot of insight to do, look in the mirror and ask your self, Why you don't like the person that you are, and then take it from there. Because you really just sound so mean. Sure you can blame it on the fact that you grew up that way. But you should deal with those problems and MOVE PAST THEM!. Your holding on to some kind of hate that's for sure, and that can only lead to a miserable future LIVE AND LET LIVE!!! Peace Out -CNB

aawww you brought tears to my eyes. I feel really bad for you, and I feel bad for my self now hahaha. I keep going around in my head about my own marriage, and how much I love my husband. But I know we are so different, that I don't want to make him unhappy, and if he is unhappy he should just go. I truly am happy with my self. I know I am not a bad person. I know there are things I enjoy doing such as art work, reading, home improvement projects, and my husband really discourages me from doing them, I guess it takes my attention from him. And I hold back from doing so many things I enjoy. I get angry and resentful inside, we have also gone through family comments, and personal verbal abuse. And it's so sad because I realized what a monster I had in me. I mean he would totally just rag on me, and I would go in for the verbal kill, I wouldn't hold back, I have such a mouth on me. And through it all, I would feel like sh** . But he never once realized why I had to fight back, he would be furious at me, you know like I should sit there and take the abuse. He's a stubborn man. So you see the fact that you actually are trying to get your women back is a step in the right direction I mean at least you realize that there was a communication gap, and if any thing at least you know you are trying and making the effort. I just hope your wife realizes that there wont be any one like you out there. yeah, I am sure she feels so good right now she is getting so much attention. Trust me, I can walk out the door tonight and get some attention, but that sort of attention is short lived. Gosh every time a guy try's to hit on me, all I can think is GREAT, I look good to you but THAT'S ABOUT ALL. Guys are only after ONE THING. And I hope she realizes what she has in you. She's probably loving the attention right now. That is why she isn't giving you a chance. There is no reason for kicking your self down, don't blame your self. If she had pain before, all you really did was post pone that pain. If she has past issues, she is going to have to heal her self. No one can really do that for a person. But yes, your patience support, love and affection would help.You can't really believe that at the time of your stress you failed to provide her with enough attention. At the time of your stress you should have confided in her, and she could have helped relieve some of the stress or give you moral support. Well, now you know, right? each step in life is just a learning experience. I wonder if you stop calling or sending messages to her, would she wonder why?. Or would she even notice. Maybe she needs her space to find her way home. She is living a new life now. She is excited about it. I would just worry for the kids, is she even thinking about the kids?. I have two kids, and I know that I wouldn't be able to leave them with my husband if we had to separate. Heck I don't think I would even make it a habit to stay out late at night, my children are my priority. You have to make sure you talk to your kids about this stuff, make sure they know that they are not at fault for your separation. They will need lost of attention during these times. Well do let me know how things turn out. -CNB

wooow! I hear ya, I long for the same lifestyle, living in L.A. Isn't all that either, I was born and raised here, I very much while I was growing up thought I was a city girl, but now I just want to get the hell out of here, although I know my husband will never go for it. I just wish I could win the lotto and move to a deserted Island! away for all this junk. Me and my husband are in the same situation. It's a NEVER ENDING STRUGGLE, and just when you think your an inch ahead! someone comes along and adds a foot! I really am starting to hate my hometown. IT'S SO OVER POPULATED now. It's not safe for the kids any more. We are always broke. My commute to work is an hour and half each way. UUGGH!! So you see your not the only one in that situation, and let me tell you the stress we are under, just to pay the dam mortgage. We fight so much, actually we don't even fight, it's easier not to speak to each other! We are holding on to this marriage by a thread. And as much as I love my husband. I can't stop wondering if we didn't have the kids would I still be here. I guess I am still here because I have this hope that one day we will be okay! every thing will be okay! I truly wish you much success in what you do, and I hope you and your wife can work these things out. -CNB

Okay StreetDreamer, here's the scoop so far every one has great advice. But one thing bothers me, I don't understand why you get upset. No reason too, just be happy you can share time with her. And why are you guys saying she is a PLAYER? You didn't mention if she has another man on the side. You know what? She might actually LIKE YOU! and she really is being shy about it, sometimes people can't verbally express what they want too. She might be scared too, she might just be an old fashioned girl. You gotta earn her you know what I am saying?? Have you ever attempted to kiss her? have you been in that situation with her? If that kissing moment ever comes up, ask her before you go in for the kill, Just ask her "Can you kiss you" that way you don't get that uncomfortable REJECTION when a girl turns her head away. I'd rather get verbally turned down, that way you leave the door open to your questions, if she declines the kiss, ask her why she has been stringing you along etc. or..... She might just want a friend, I have to admit since I was a child I have had many male friends and they have and are my best friends, don't get me wrong I have lots of girlfriends, but guys are different, they aren't FAKE, I guess, like many girls can be. I don't have to worry about what I say, or if I hurt their feelings, there sort of like girls but tougher hahaha. Guys are always honest when it comes to how I look, if I look like crap, trust me THEY WONT LIE TO ME! Guys have no shame to their game, they will tell me when I LOOK LIKE SHIT! plus I cuss like a pirate sometimes, and it doesn't offended them hahaha!! And another thing Guys tend to keep secrets VERY, VERY, WELL. They aren't as GOSSIPY like girls are. She might just feel comfortable with you and enjoy your company. And it's better to be a friend first any ways. Girls want a man they can talk to, don't get all upset cuz you think the girl is playing you! just be honest with her, if your really at your wits end with this ASK HER!! Tell her do you like me, LIKE ME!?? What's the worst she can say? NO? and then what you die?.... NO, LIFE GOES ON! right?. You only live once. Don't hold back be upfront. And another thing if your putting on this nice boy ACT for her, YOUR NOT BEING TRUE TO YOUR SELF! what the heck is that about, gosh that is the most annoying thing, So basically your saying your nice to her because you like her, like her. That doesn't make sense. That so WRONG!, it's funny how guys act like they really want a certain girl, and then when they get her BAM! they take her for granted! uugh!!! that is so NOT cool. DON'T DO THAT CRAP OKAY! Be your self! no one likes a fake a** Peace Out -CNB

THEY KEY WORD most of you guys used, is "GIRLS" girls who play games, that's the problem they are JUST GIRLS!!! Women don't f* around. Charmed asks: Why is this happening ? because you let it happen. You know the old saying NICE GUYS FINISH LAST! And nice guys tend to be attracted to the WRONG GIRLS!!! DoblersDream: That was a way cool forum hahaha and as for your quote: well I guess as long as he gets up there, I don't think he cares how. Hahaha And trust me all women ARE NOT like this, only the one's with low-self esteem issues, you know the type that are attracted to so called BAD BOYS!!! I personally think it's a cycle, it goes something like this. Bad Boys like NICE GRILS, (you know the type of girls they can bring home to mom) but on the side, they tend to USE Ho's (these would be your typical GAME PLAYING GIRLS!) The Bad boys then use, and abuse, and confuse these loser girls. But they never surrender to these types of girls. So see, it's kind of like the old saying goes WHAT COMES AROUND GOES AROUND! Charmed, don't sweat it, because eventually that girl will be on the other end, crying over some dude that will use her ass up and toss her aside like dirty laundry! And don't be a HATER NOW!! Okay because there is no place in life for hating, just learn to pick your women a little better next time. Take this as a learning experience. Your nice-ness might just be the key to your happiness. There are still some nice girls out there who deserve a nice guy like you. Don't let others suffer because you made a mistake with this Game playing Ho. After all the reason she is probably like that is because she knows how to play guys. I mean she does all the RIGHT things to get what she wants when she wants. And most guys DON'T CARE! As long as they are getting their sh** on. It's a two way street my friend. Peace Out -CNB

Yikes!! you really need to start shopping around for another flat mate. Don't use the money thing as an excuse. I know you must deeply be in love with him and you are scared to leave, but think of what you will be staying with. You wont be happy with him, because you will be to busy worring about who he will be boinking next, and you wont be happy with out him, but at LEAST! you'll be rid of the dark cloud hanging over your head. You will have a better chance at finding someone who LOVES YOU! Give him the boot! and if he doesn't beg to stay with you, THEN YOU'LL KNOW HE'S AN ASS! I know if you sweep this under the carpet, he wont repsect you. You will be in his mind WEAK. He knows you wont leave him.

Your hurting is totally understandable. Part of being in a relationship is being able to TRUST your partner. And if you can't trust your partner who can you trust??. You are in a very hard situation because I do believe every one deserves a second chance. But the fact that the trust is gone makes the situation very difficult, I am going to be frank with you, I could never over come it, and I certainly wouldn't want to live my life having to worry about my partner's every move that would be torcher. I just couldn't do that. And I know you love him, but most people who can not stay faithful are usually unhappy in their current relationships so they seek others to fulfill what they are missing. I have had this very conversation with my male co-workers and all three agreed on one thing, if the guy can get away with it once, and the partner takes him back, he will surely do it again. Did you ask him WHY? he was a coward and didn't have the decency to break up with you if he felt the need to see other people? I mean didn't he think you deserved to have the same freedom? Did he enjoy sneaking around behind your back. I just don't get why people have to have affairs. Why can't they inform their current lovers that they feel the need to separate? I wonder if you where to leave him how would he feel? You should really consider it though. If it's meant to be, it will be. What ever you decide, it will have to come from you.

You seem to be stuck in a rut, as many people are these days with the way the economy is. It sounds like you both need a serious change. I know it's easier said then done. But it doesn't help your failing relationship to live so far apart. You know her decision to return to school is probably because she wants to improve her future. She is probably sick of struggling. Not only that you both seem like you are going in different directions. I think in this day and age so many people are suffering in the same way.Struggling just to make ends meet. If she still loves you, I believe you both may just have a chance, but something really has to change because it's obvious she is not happy in her life and she is trying to change it. Have you ever considered taking a job out of state or another country. You both need to work together at trying to improve your situation. That's what a marriage should be about sticking together when the going gets tuff. Oh I don't know the details of your marriage but I feel for you, I REALLY DO, just reading your post makes me want to cry, I so hope you both will be able to work this out.