PJ

I have posted in other forums and you may have read my posts. I am in a marriage...that I don't want to be. I don't know why and I can't explain it. It's like I'm living with a roommate instead of a wife. But when dealing with stuff I try to figure out, why. There must be something causing it..how can you figure it out. I feel so depressed but when I lookat my life I think, why, I have so much. A loving wife and beautiful daughter. Why?

These are my thoughts too. A lot of people are settling..and by that I don't mean they don't love the person...because they do. But they are settling for the first "love" that comes along where marriage is asked. If they are like I was, so scared that they will miss that someone, or in such a hurry to find them..that you sometimes think you found them when you didn't. I also think that living with someone first is a good idea. Because of religious reasons I normally would NEVER agree with this. But so many people get married then realize once they live together that it wont work..I have SO switched on this issue. *sigh* what to do

I agree with the crowd that porn is pretty normal for a guy. I do have a little different perspective though. This could just be my own opinion. I think if a guy has an active sex life with his parner and its a satisfying one that he would have no need for porn...at least that's the way I feel..but that's just me. I'm pretty sure almost every male looks at porn some time or another. Anyways the real reason I replied to the post was to say something about the cheating. Again this is my opinion only but it can most likely be backed up by facts (or other guys). I think if a guy cheats on you once, there is always a chance it will happen again...in fact is probably more likely to happen if it has before..than if it had not happened at all. However, he may have just made a huge mistake and realized it..and could honestly mean he will not do it again. As for watching porn together..I only wish my wife could get into something like that..she's not into porn at all heh. But he probably feels that way because..well kinda the same reason you don't want him looking at porn when you are not there..because it's other women..and he probably just feels uncomfortable looking at other women in front of you. As for watching it when you are in the hospital...maybe that was just something to fill the "sex" part of life while you were away..not necessarily a bad thing.. Now don't take what I say too roughly..I am here for advice just like you but just wanted to tell you my opinions on this..

Morning everyone. Going to try to address/answer some of the questions you guys have asked. Richgabe: "Are they real (the doubts) or are they a reaction to the sudden responsibiliity of being a father.." I have had the same feelings since before being a father. And don't misunderstand, I love being a father..it's just that I wasn't quite ready and yes it does involve a lot of responsibility...But I handle it well. Crashnburn: " I can't imagine that having a few things not in common would trigger this. Trust me NO MARRIAGE IS PERFECT!" I agree. There is more to it than that, it's everything together I guess. It's very hard for me to explain because I don't quite understand it myself. Perhaps I am just not attracted to her as I was was and I pick it apart to find reasons..I really don't know. That's why I came here..heh.. "Also I was wondering are you getting more attention from other girls then your used to? now that you are not a dork any more? " No this is not an issue. After I was not a dork anymore I dated her for about 3 years..other girls were never an issue..in fact noone hits on me because I never go out..going out is not my thing.. "Sure these girls you talk to might have certain qualities that you want right now, but chances are they also have qualities you don't like, and what happens when you find you need another quality you are looking for in a women, are you going to end that relationship as well? " Perhaps I should clarify on that a little. I really havn't talked to like tons of girls..I have had a few friends online..just friends that I could talk to..and there is one in particular that I really clicked with..you know the way you click with someone when they have potential to fall in love with. Part of my problem is, with my wife I never really had that completel click. I think more so than not I just settled..and No I am not saying she wasn't good enough for me because she is an amazing women..probably too good for me. But I was ready (so I thought) to get married..and since my first True Love failed I felt I should take the one that was there..This new girl..I have not met..I met her by mistake (and I know this could cause a lot of crap..internet type relationships often stir up some debate) playing a game online, and we startedout innocently flirting as game characters..but clicked so well we ended up talking on the phone and sharing pictures and viewing webcams of each other etc..so anyways..that initially click that you feel..the one I always looked for..I had with her..and we have been talking etc and the more I find out about her the more we have in common (you know how this story goes).. Now I know part of the reason my doubts have gotten stronger lately are because of this woman..but it's not like I want to leave my wife just to persue this woman. She too is married..but her marriage is also lacking and she has similar "married too young" feelings..but she goes about it different. She is happy in her marriage and believes shes going through a phase that will pass. So If I was being selfish thinking I want to separate with my wife to be with this women.. I would be sadly mistaken because I can't be with this women...she just projects the doubts that were already there....if that makes sense. "Or is the fact that you think your immature the real issue at hand? and what exactly do you mean by that? Is marriage and having the responsibilities of a family just too much for you? Is that what you mean? Did you tell your wife that you where not ready to be mature? " I'm not real sure here. It kind of goes back to the too young to get married thing. I think I rushed marriage and picked the first person I could have in fear of being alone and you know how passionate a young person can be..so I thought it was right. But now I feel I am missing something..you know..youth only lasts for awhile..and its something noone should miss out...but perhaps I am just being selfish and immature there..hard to explain.. Segagirl: "Or is the fact that you think your immature the real issue at hand? and what exactly do you mean by that? Is marriage and having the responsibilities of a family just too much for you? Is that what you mean? Did you tell your wife that you where not ready to be mature? " Don't get me wrong, I want to. I know you don't know me but I am one of the most sensitive and emotional guys out there..which happens to be one of my downfalls..I do care about other peoples feelings..not just my own..or my wifes..but anyone..I don't like to see people hurting or in trouble. My point is I do want to talk to her..badly..but I am trying to get things straight in my mind first..make sure what I am feeling is even really there and not just something I'm going through.. I will just kinda repsond to the rest of your post without quotes. As for doing fun things together..that is one of our differences..she loves to go out and I hate going out..but that is one easily compromised..I taker her to dinner pretty often which is her favorite thing to do..we go shopping together..things like that..taking baby to the park..etc. As for keeping the romance fresh..there really hasnt been any romance...she has never really been much of a romancer or lover..and I have tried to create some sparks but she's just not into romance..or sex..our sex life is close to none. And that's another one of the issues..but not a big deal because sex isn't everything. Thank you for the replies everyone hope this reply helps to clarify myself a little more. I have been so confused and it's just really hard. I want to do right and staymarried to my wife but at the same time I don't want to be unhappy in life and cause her to be unhappy and ruin my daughters life as well.. .I didn't really mention it before but I think I have fallen for the other woman that I clicked with..yet that would never happen because she is happily married so that is not the issue. She just helped to show me how unhappy I am..where I am. Maybe I am just being totally selfish..maybe I want to be with someone else who makes me feel the way this other woman can..where things just feel "right"..and my mind is set on finding something wrong with my marriage more than is really there? I don't really know.. The only conclusions I can come to is that I think I married too young..may have rushed it a bit and ended up not finding the things I truly wanted. I also am determined..although I could be wrong..that something must not be right if I am able to fall for someone else. If I was happy with my marriage and it was right..why would I fall forsomeone else or even put myself in a situation to fall for someone else? Small conclusions that still leave confusion and doubt in my mind...alright I am stopping now this is long enough..and my head hurts now...plus I am at work..have things to do..but with the emotion and stuff going on in my head I may not get anything done forquite some time...ugh.

Hello everyone. I am going to try to explain this as best I can. I met my wife when I was a freshman in high school..at first she pretty much thought I was a dork (being one of the most popular girls in her school and church) and so I did not pursue her..I instead ended up dating another girl for almost 4 years (off and on). During that relationship somewhere in the middle she broke up with me. I was really heartbroken but I moved on..somewhere thereafter the first girl I mentioned started seeing interest in me...(I guess I wasn't a dork anymore? hehe)..and we hooked up...we dated for a week but I had so much emotions left over from the previous girlfriend that I felt I may be settling..or I wasn't really sure..so I broke up with her. Anyways..we ended up together again for several years and ended up getting married. I was in love with her and things were great. We have been married 4 years now..and recently we had a child who is now 10 months old. Now here is where the problems come into play..one of them is that I wasn't quite ready for children..but she begged and begged and I gave in..and I think I have built resentment to her for that.. Don't get me wrong I love my daughter so much but sometimes I fell I shouldn't going through fatherhood yet..it wasn't time. Also throughout the past year or so (since before the pregnancy) I started having doubts. We fought a lot and frequently..over stupid things and sometimes over valid things. We found that we had..or at least I found..that we had several opposite and things not in common...some of them which bothered me. Also I think that maybe she is very mature..but that possibly I am not mature enough..and not ready to change that yet (rushed marriage in other words). I find myself wishing to be alone more often than not..and when I think about her cheating on me or leaving me..I actually am happy about that..which is weird. I have fought with myself in my head on what is wrong and I can't figure it out.. I have met other women but nothing serious just talked to them and I have found that certain qualities my wifes lack that other women have just really makes me happy..and it makes me think what I am missing..and makes me wonder if I went wrong. Today at work my wife asked me if something was wrong, she said I have been acting strange and that she didnt think I liked her anymore..I said yes I like you..and she asked if I was leaving her..and I said no..then she asked if I had an affair..and I said no. Now I didn't lie. I do like her, I still love her..just not like it was..something feels wrong. And no I am not leaving her..or at least not that I know of yet. And about an affair..no I have never been or even dated another woman so I was honest there. Twice more during the day she brought it up and I just told her I didnt feel well..I wantto sit and talk to her but I am so afraid to hurt her. I think I want to separate and be friends..because I know we would be stronger as friends than how we are now.. What scares me is that I dont think she feels this way. I think she loves me the same as she always did and I am so scared to hurt her but I dont want to pretend to be happy and end up causing both of us more pain in the end..I dont know what to do...or why I am feeling this way..I have fought and fought with myself over it and can't figure it out. I just know the most disturbing things are that I have more happiness when I talk to some of my other female friends than I do with my wife..making me think I might be missing something or have gotten married to soon...and the fact that when I think about her leaving I actually am glad...which can't be good. Ugh..okay that was a long post I hope I made sense...I am so frustrated I have been rambling on and on to friends and have gotten advice all around..any help would be appreciated..sorry for the big huge one paragraph post I didn't know I would post that much. I am 25 by the way..and a concern I forgot to mention is my daughter. I don't think staying together for her is the right thing to do..if it brings her up in an unhappy home..anyways..any advice please. Thanks..