LONESOUL

Desert, no one is perfect. You are no exception. You were not perfect in your last relationship and you will not be perfect in the next one..but you can be better. First we must learn and grow. You can't do that if you keep sowing seeds in the same ole played out dirt. All of the nutriants have been sucked up in that dirt, nothing can grow there right now. It needs to be refertalized. Please begin to try to focus on you. What sort of things did you enjoy before 4 years ago? What were you goals then? Do you remember a time when you and your ex were together and you really wanted to do something but couldn't because of her? Hanging out with the guys or joining a sports team or..think~push her out of your head and think about you. YOU DESERVE BETTER. She hurt you bad, I can tell from your posts, and I am not making light of that at all. I KNOW it seems nearly impossible sometimes to move on. But it only SEEMS that way~it feels like that right now to us...but it isn't. She wasn't perfect, and she wasn't perfect for you~or she would not have hurt you. But if you allow yourself to heal, and stop beating yourself up, you will be so much better for the right woman who may be right around the corner.

Hi Desert, sorry it's starting out as another rough one. Yesterday was like that for me. Keep going over it and over it in your head like a bad movie don't you? I know. And you need to reflect sometimes, it true. But at some point you should try to stop doing that~I know for me, the movie always ends the same way, with me hurt and confused. The answers I may never know. period. My ex and I were either awesome together (when life was fun and stress was low) OR we were like oil and water. When it was good, it was great, when it was bad it was like well...you said armageddon. We didn't fight too much either, but that was because I was always walking on egg shells not to upset her, or deal with her drama. It sounds to me like maybe you were allot like me and you just gave too much, sacraficed too much for HER happiness, almost like making her happy was what made you happy. Thats how it was for me. But the thing is she didn't really even try to make me happy. I guess that wasn't really her job anyway. All the time along I should have been trying to make myself happy, and she should have been doing the same for herself...I think when that happens that is when you really have something~thats a real realtionship~when both people are happy as individuals and then come together to love and support one another with acceptance. I wonder sometimes too if she ever thinks about me. Desert, we just don't know. My guess would be yes, how could she not after all those years? But, the real question is, How often are you and I and the others here thinking about ourselves? Becuase that is who needs YOU right now Desert, YOU. Not your ex, she's okay (and if shes not...I know it sounds harsh but oh well, right now that is not your probelm.) This is hard, it is very very hard. But the reality is she is gone for now~we have no control over that. (and do you really want someone back who could hurt you like this??) You have to start caring about YOU. You hang in there now, and post as often as you need. Tons of support here!!

Hey Heartlessagain, I hear ya. I gave up way too much of myself for my ex too. Way way too much. KayRAY was so right on with everything she said. Right now I am still at the point where I want to be there at that moment to capture that photo of my ex too. The thing is though, I won't ever see that, because I hope that by the time that ever happens I won't give a crap anymore...gotta keep going forward and to see that, I would have to go back. Not Happening~(and sometimes that feels like it's ripping my heart out...BUT) I am worth getting through this, and the H*ll away from her. Take care Loved the joke.

CAB~thanks! So true, so true. I hope I can trust again though, life is so short. Plus this I am just completely not myself right now, and I don't know who besides myself to trust at all anyway...thanks again for the help.

Icnoland, Sounds like you had a rough road too. I miss our cat too, I'm sorry about your dogs, I totally get that. I was the one paying for everything too, with our friends, last November I took the whole crew to an Elton John concert, nobody paid for a thing. I did it because I wanted to, not because I expected anything in return, except for what I thought I already had, their love and friendship. WRONG. I know I am better off, but it really stinks. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for the reply Dako. You are SO right, breaking up sucks for so many reasons I have lost count.. I lost my home, I lost my family, I am not from this town (my ex is~ and has a huge family) and I have lost my only local close friend. But you know, the more I post and the more I read of other peoples posts the more I really do become convinced that SOMEDAY (pray pray..) I will truly KNOW in my heart that I am not the one who lost anything at all and that I gained so much more than I ever dreamed just by knowing I deserved better and entering the fight of my life (literally...with myself) for my future happiness and my dignity.

Chedda~I am so sorry to hear this is hurting you so badly. When a family is no longer together it is really a tough thing. I believe it will get better in time and please remember that there really are other people who are going through just about the same thing. We can all make it~and be better off when we get through it. You are doing the right thing by posting when you feel you need to. Take care

I need to vent. It sucks when your so called friends are there for your ex and not for you. This friend was her friend first but be have all been good friends for 7 years. My ex is allot more outgoing then I am, a life of the party type person, and although my ex FRIEND kept telling me that I needed to get out of the relationship, because my ex was so screwed up, it appears she has chosen to remain friends with her and not with me. (I have called over to the house a few times and the ex was there...yet I have not been invited in 9 weeks, since the break up) But the really tricky part is that we work together (the ex friend and I) and I am always afaid I will hear things about my ex I am not ready to hear. (she has moved on etc..I am pretty sure of that anyway but...) I don't want to hear about the good times they are all having yada yada, and it sucks. It hurts, it hurts bad. I already told my ex friend all of this because she was throwing me attitude for not speaking to her, but as the ex and I were breaking up she would tell her all my business and it pissed me off. She always said she didn't want to be in the middle but she always put herself there and created drama. (which with My ex did not take much because she is a drama queen anyway!) I guess it good riddens to them both, but now I feel like I have 2 issues of mistrust to deal with, ex's and friends... This whole mess just really hurts bad. I know it is a learning experence and all of that, and I don't remember who said it but I am sort of with the poster that said they did not agree that it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. I wish this releationship had not ever happened. It has changed me, and I know it is forever, my challange is to make it a positive change...and I just don't know. One hour I am better, the next I am bittter... ***sigh**

We're human. We feel hurt and betrayed by the one person we thought would be there for us. I think what we are feeling, pretty much ALL of it is normal, including everything from not wishing them well, to not wishing them harm and everything in between. But for me, it has to STOP here and now, my focus need not be on wishing her ANYTHING. Going over it and over it in your mind is normal too I think, but I have come to the point now where I know it just isn't doing me any good doing that. Where is it getting me? Here I am still trying to figure out what went wrong and she's up and moved on and enjoying (maybe?) her life for now. Thats bullcrap. I am the one who gave their heart and soul, time, money, etc to this relationship...only to have it end with me broken hearted and with me feeling abused and unloved. To heck with that. She didn't love me enough, and she is moved on. That's a fact. Maybe one of the most painful facts I will ever have to face and accept, but it is what it is and I have to believe that I too have something very special to offer the RIGHT person~so for now I need to be taking care of me, so I can do that someday.

Wow, hey thanks for coming back and spreading the "hope" Good for you~!!!!

Fisch, Knowing who you are a wonderful thing, someone very special may admire that in you one day. Good for you!

Yeah, then the anti depressants are not for you~I have heard other people say they made them feel that way as well. Excercise is the natural way to try to get some of the same results. You have allot more to offer the new woman you will meet when you have healed from this pain Desert, but first you have to get through this, and grow from it somehow. I am right with you, all of the what if's and the how could she's? I even ask myself did I KNOW her at all? And you know what? Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I may never know, but for now I am going to try turn my focus from her, to myself, because you know what? I have to. She is gone and it hurts like H*ll, but I am worth much more then she ever gave me anyway.

I ended up going to the doc for a little help when I could not seem to pull myself out of the "deep funk" (what else would you call it?) It was all I could think about, focus on. It was CRIPPING PAIN, as you said before. The anti depressants help me some. But of course that is not going to help everyone. The doc told me that allot of times what she sees is that the people who were "healthy" (I took this to mean emotionally during the relationship) are the ones who really have a hard time getting over it. Maybe that is because of what we have all said here about loving our ex's so deeply and wanting to make those realtionships work. For me, my ex didn't want the same. I don't want to be hung up on someone who could hurt me so badly anymore. I just don't. I deserve so much better. My ex has ALLOT of issue too, allot, and I feel the same way, one day I will feel sorry for her, but today is not that day. Today (and a few tomorrrows) are going to be for me, and for healing. We can get through this, we deserve to get through this, and live wonderful lives.

Hi Desertnomad~I'm really sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I do understand how you feel "crippling pain" is a good way to describe it. It hurts really deep. Are you forcing yourself to try to do things to get your mind off of her? Are you being good to yourself? (eating right, trying to get enough sleep, excercise?) This is a long process I know, sometimes it feels like eternity..but I don't think it is. I'm sure you want to send her an e-mail, but will it get you anywhere but hurting worse? I sometimes I want to talk to my ex still (it's been 9 weeks since break up, 2 NC as of today) but you know what? She hurt me really bad, I don't want to open that door again. I WANT to heal, for me. Hang in there. Any way to change that route to work?

Kiki I don't know if you will ever get over him. I don't know if I will ever get over my ex, but that's the plan! Be glad you are not a man magnet, otherwise allot of the wrong guys might get attracted and stuck to you. I here allot of people say they usually meet someone when they are not looking. Take care of you, I am sure the rest will take care of itself.

Max1, I understand how you feel. I miss the "family" I thought we were too. But I guess that is just the point, it wasn't to the other person what it was to me. Nothing I did, in fact I was a good partner. I think you you are right when you say you need to work on yourself and your happiness. I know that is easier said then done~believe me. There are days when I still can't even believe I am going though this...but I am, and I need to be as good to myself as I was to her when we were together. Stay strong~you are beautiful and I know because you loved~and you will love again. The right guy is out there, he just was not him.

Belladonna, Thanks. I agree, and that is why as much as I love them both, I finally found the courage to leave. But that is not to say that I do not love and miss them, very much. Especally him, it really isn't his fault that his Mom has always given him his way and never really wanted to "upset him". True it has made him a spoiled bratty child, but, regardless, I love him like he was my own. I have no rights, I can't see him. I can't do anything with reagrd to them at all. I am picking up the pieces, but it is so hard. I just wondered if anyone else feel so in love with someone elses child from a gay relationship and eneded up loosing them. I thank you very much for taking the time to send me the words of truth and of encouragement that I so need right now!

Hi Folks. I need to know if anyone has been through what I am going through, and if they have any advice (I am sure someone has!) This is going to be a little long, but the background is important I think. I am almost 40. My ex is 37. I have an out lesbian since I was 18. She is bisexual (although would not ever classifly herself as that...she hates the idea of a label) Anyway, we were together 7 years. She has a son , he is now 17. She is not comfortable in an out lesbian relationship. When we first met I tried to be understanding of this, since I was her first serous realtionship with a woman. She did not want to tell her son and she wanted to....ease...everyone into this. Well, needless to say, we lived in the closet (and remember I had already been out for many years) This almost killed me, she would flirt with guys all the time, I never felt secure. I helped to raise her son, but he considered me the Nanny and not the step parent. There were allot of lies, and allot of pain. Her family is very disfunctional as well. Her Mother commited sucide when she was 10, her Father molested her and her deaf sister and has always hid himself IRL behind being a christian. She had a car accident 10 years ago in which her niece was killed. (she was driving and cited for the wreck) Her other niece who was also in the car, has grown up really messed up, drugs, etc. they were very close to their Aunt. Anyway, she has issues. As the years progressed I began to feel used, and ashamed of myself for letting me feel like I was not worth being proud to be with. 3 years ago I tried to OD. But...I went back, this time I THOUGHT on my terms...but really it wasn't that I didn't still love her and want to be with her, it was just that I couldn't take anymore and didn't know what to do. Anyway, about nine weeks ago, she went off to the beach. (she never wanted to leave me alone, she was very jealous, although I never gave her reason...I think it was becuase she may have been running around with guys some of the time) Anyway, I was supposed to come down a few days later, I did that, but I found some evidence that she had been doing some drugs and that she had been with some guys. I told her I was leaving, I brought her (our son) home with me because he wanted to go. (just to be with his friends...he is a teenager) So I stayed 2 more days at the house waiting for her to come home, because I had him) And then, I left. Like I said that was 9 weeks ago. This hurts SO bad. We satrted NC 2 weeks ago,I think she dating a guy now. That is killing me, what was I? I made her finally return my cells phones when she ran the bill up way high, and the day she got new ones, she did not give me either of their numbers! I put her though school, and I helped her raise him. I spend more time with that boy then either of this parents did in the last 7 years..homework, games, sickness everything parents do. I did. She lost her job, I supported us, the three of us. (His Dad has talked to him maybe 5 times in 7 years) Encougaged her to go back to school, which she did, and now she has a great job... I'm upset, I am angry, I am broken hearted... I feel like I have lost a child. He knew about the two of us, even though she didn't tell him, but he used to tell her he did not want her to be gay.. and he would run away. He is very spoiled. I could go on for days, you get the idea...please help.

Hi Max, I understand where you are coming from too. It feels to me like the pain inside will cause me to explode if I don't get it out somehow. I agree with the others, go someplace and scream if you feel you need to. My relationship was 7 years. I had she and her son (he was 10 when we moved in together) I miss them both, very much. I left my ex because of 7 years of wondering if she was ever "truly" with me anyway (she had issues...long story) I knew from someplace deep down inside that I deserved more. I loved her though, and I love her still (that actaully makes me kinda mad..) I love him as well, but he is not contacting me either. (His mother lets him do whatever he wants..he doesn't want to hear me tell him he needs to be responsible for himself in life etc...) I bounce back and fourth between, extreme sadness, disbelief, anger...and I wonder everyday when this is going to ease up. It's been about 9 weeks or so, two with NC. I don't have allot of friends either most are in other states or I they were my ex's friends first. (I am not from here, my ex is) Be good to yourself, as the others have said. Know that it will get better, hold on to what the others are saying about time healing and how it really must~because it HAS to, we deserve better...and it's coming, we must have faith. We must hang in there!

I am struggling really hard with knowing how to start over again, I'll be 40 this year. I built my life around them. (yes I know it is a mistake to do that) I did it anyway. I miss my life. I miss them. But I want so much to have a real relationship with someone who is not ashamed of me, and someone who does not make me feel bad about myself. My ex is a very selfish person. I just wanted to love them, and for us to be a family. I feel so stupid.

Thanks allot for the words of encouragement. Way way too much Drama, I didn't even touch the tip of the iceberg above~nor do I really want to. Trainwreck ahhh YES~ My head knows...my heart is learning the hard way.

I have been lurking and reading here for several weeks. My heart goes out to so many of you, and I have been inspired as well by so many. Here is my story. My ex and I had been together for about 7 years. Living together and breaking up (but never REALLY breaking up) 3 times during that period. The thing is my ex is not very comfortable with her sexuality, she hates "labels" (many people do) but for the sake of understanding I will call her bi sexual. I am a lesbian, and I am comfortable out. When we met 7 years ago she was going through a divorce. We had "passion" and I feLLl in love hard. ( I was not her first woman) I thought she did as well, but she just has so many issues beyond not wanting to have an openly pubic lesbian relationship. She was in a car accident years ago her neice was killed. Her mother committed sucide when she was young, her Dad molested her, her husband beat her...lord the baggage. I fell anyway, and even harder for son. Because she was somewhat mentally unstable and not on meds (at that time) I took care of them. She lost her job and I told her to go back to school, she did that. I supported them. I finally convinced her she needed meds, shes was on them when I left. (yes I left, I never felt secure and finally I left) When I met them they were in a run down trailer shack, now they live in a beautiful home and she makes great money. She always wanted to be the fun parent to her son so she never wanted to disipline him. So when he did bad in school Iwas the one who convinced her to ground him etc...I want him to be somebody, and he can be! anyway, we spilt 8 weeks ago and nows she's with a guy. The son is glad because she hid our relationship from him for all those years for fear her would reject her. Yes, he knew anyway but pretended not to. And the person who was the rule maker is gone now, so he could care less I guess. The first few weeks I figured out pretty quick she was going into party mode, she was never home etc...she drunk dialed me... She kept up contact with me until last week when I got a huge cell bill and insisted that she get new cells phones for herself and her son. They had no home phone so I had let her keep the cell phones until she got new phones..well she got them and didn't even bother to tell me. When I finally got them back. (out of the mailbox that I had to drive too...) I haven't heard from either of them since. His Dad, pays child support but has nothing to do with him in 7 years...it's been me, and the kid. And now NOTHING.. I FEEL SO USED!! PLEASE HELP FOLKS...