KillTheSilence

wow that's really encouraging! thank you! i wish it'd rain soon, but i doubt it in this weather. rain always maked me think straight 4 some reason... anyways, i'm going to bed for now, but i tried to make things more relevant to what i had in mind for this already, so here it is, colorless and a bit more abstract than it should be: I find irony in the drops of rain that end up in a sewer are distinct only in their position; the only real ideosyncrasy that defines a role in its entourage. Where one drop sees the future, the other sees the past; where one finds the fault in its own ways, the other seeks to find its own ways' fault. the one who finds the brightness in change can be contradicted by the one who found the brightness of the change and realized the beauty of the temptation to shine it on the rest, ever present as the temptation to send them to the skies with it. but what if one of the drops finds out that this change is no different from the rest? that these lines they follow lead to a place they've already crossed? where one found the path to the future, the other found the fault of the future; it was the mirror of a past. when one way seemed forward, the others seemed irrelevant; when the irrelevant was ignored, it traumatized the forward. how different is this from the inward spiral of a troubled mind who was always thinking itself is the change to make but not realizing the fault is in the trouble and not its mind? is there a reason why finding no difference in the drop who found the future and the drop who found the past or the difference in the drop that found the brightness in change whilst another found the brightness of the change should stop the flow of time and resist the temptations of the sky?

really? i wish i could get them better. it's hard to express myself straight from myself. it'll get better though. just as soon as i take a shower, think about what i should write, forget it, try to remember it, and end up falling short but with an entirely acceptable way of putting things together (plz read sig).

finished...hmm.... you know, i usually don't consider finishing a poem this widescale within a week (i edit it with my mind and new ideas come out of nowhere just like the idea for this poem came naturally when i was thinking of rain). it's not a rough draft, but there will definitely be more drafts to come as soon as i have the time for them. i kinda liked it too and i'm glad u agree with me. it's not often i remember good poems like this cause they're too natural for me to get back together sometimes ](*,) u mite wanna subscribe to this cause i'll post the newer drafts instead of editing the main one.

I find irony in the fact that rain, the best thing i find in life, ends up in a sewer where the only thing that makes one drop unique is its position; the only thing that it can make a difference in its pack. Where one sees the future, the other sees the past; where one finds the fault in its own ways, the other seeks to find its own ways' fault. where one finds the brightness in change, the other finds the brightness of the change and realizes the beauty that can only be found in the tempting urge to shine it on the rest while sending them to the skies with it. but what if one of the drops finds out that this change is no different from the rest? that these lines they follow lead to a place they've already crossed? where one found the path to the future, the other found the fault of the future: it was a mirror of the past. when one way seems forward, the other seems irrelevant; when the irrelevant was ignored, it posed a threat to the forward. this is no different than any inward spiral of a troubled mind; always thinking itself is the change to make but not realizing the fault is in the trouble and not the mind.

btw he's on medical drugs. not anywhere near addiction considering how he fails to take them quite often. thanks for the compliments i've always thought about martial arts but have never really had time for them ](*,) my school schedule is a little less hectic (i quit basketball cause our team wasn't much of a team at all) considering i'm only doing track and cross country (with a mix of marching band and working out at my local gym). Tae Kwon Doe sounded nice cause it's all about countering stuff. i'll be posting my progress in my journal (anyone can comment in it. it's called KillTS's life or something like that) and about showing my parents, they would flip out if they knew i was even on a message board like this. i disobey for my own reasons (and it helps), but it's not an option. I can think of a way to make the problem more noticeable though (without making it more stressful)

i'd ask watshappenin and if it was someone who was attractive i'd carry on with something like, 'of course nothing's goin on now--i meant watshappenin tonight?' she'd be like 'well nothing really...' and i'd be thinkin score number X and say 'wanna do somethin with me?' if she rejected i'd be like 'man life gets boring with no one around' and walk off feeling good that i came up with the courage to do something like that. chances are she wouldn't reject (y else would she be there and why else would i ask if i knew it was for somethin else?), so i'd end up having to make arrangments for a night on the town or something like that. comments or suggestions? that was what came out of me naturally, so god help me

most of the time, i'd get over my ex when I found a new girlfriend.

thanks nottoogreen. you've been a helluva lot more help than I expected

my dad is a great doctor. I have met many people (friends, school staff, people i just met) who agree with me. my brother would reject any offer for therapy, as they have been given before. he isn't always like this, btw. sometimes he acts like nothing ever happened like that and just lives normally. his self-esteem seems normal, as far as i know. he sometimes boasts about his build (mostly gained from eating too much junk food and his body adapting to the process), but his weekness comes from lowering my self-esteem (doesn't work too well, but he thinks it does) by criticizing me as much as he needs to. I do believe it gets low when reaching certain subjects that may compromise his self-esteem. in those situations, he changes the subject of conversation to something random. in fact, he's a big talker around my parents. it's hard to get him to shut up so I can talk sometimes (that thought pops up every time i feel i'm being a weak link in a conversation. it's my boxed-in-over-time excuse that i tell myself when i lack social achievment, not to say that that's always the case). helping my brother would be hard. every time i think about it (and I do think about it), it seems as hopeless as converting a drug addict by myself. yet to mention the amount of trust i have for him. he lies so much i think he believes himself (may be why he ignores his status quo after an argument). either way, it affects my respect for him in a negative way. but trying to help him has never been a new thought, only a failed one. i know there's some compromise that can be worked within our family so gradually that it seems natural. something tells me that should start with me. ironically, it's me trying to improve myself that's been internally disdaining my progress with the matter of trying to go through with a gradual compromise as i previously mentioned. it's agreeable that one should fix themselves over such a matter as mine before fixing one of an even greater magnitude that (to me) seems more like someone else's problem rather than the problem of the youngest person in the family. as such, i'd like to help my family (in general) with the arguing. that's been the biggest problem for me to witness and has played a major role in the family's negative progress of it's own status quo. above all that, it's individually degrading, too.

i'll probably end up editing this all day, but i'll start with this: my brother and I were adopted at birth (I've always been curious who my real parents were, but my bro doesn't seem to care). he's 16 y/o now (i'm 14, as u can see under my non-existent avatar). he was either born slightly LD (learning disabled) or something, but it started showing in his 2nd grade year. it's nothing severe. in fact, i have some friends of my own who are as challenged as he is (most of them with ADD, but some aren't). he was behind on some things like math and reading (normally i wouldn't tell you this, but i'm for sure not mentioning his name), but was doing well in areas like science (he's at his own grade level with it). He suffers from his own procrastination (of homework usually) and is punished for it in a fitting manner (in my parents eyes. this is where my dad comes down a little harder on him than my mom). His procrastination leads to many, many arguments over why he shouldn't be doing this (he tends to argue back with something similar to a last-hope struggle lie like "I didn't know it was due then," or "well if you'd stop frustrating me maybe i could get my work done now!" (after his work was due a few days back. his teachers know of his disabilities and are more passive than normal when it comes to his work being late). this problem inclined with his grade level and grew visibly much worse in high school as tensions grew for the past few years. I've always been the one on the sideline of things trying to make sense of all this while sometimes regretting his being a part of my family. He always seemed to push things farther than they need be in his arguments. Even over simple things like forgetting to do something like if he washed his face (he has some of the worst acne outbreaks and is given proactive to counter them), if he did his work, if he played golf today (he's part of the high school golf team), if he had a soda (he's allowed only one per day thanks to my dad after he realized that my brother's sugar intake may be reaching a thin line between stable and diabetic. btw, my dad's a family practice doctor), or even if he did his chores. the arguments last quite a while because of this and, as i said before, has a negative impact on me. i've never seem to have found any way to control this and nothing has ever been done about it besides putting him on medication (it helped with his attention deficiency. he has never been diagnosed with ADD, but he has many of the symptoms). looking at that, it's a bit easier understanding where his growing frustration evolved from and where it could be heading, so i'd like to tell you about his social life. overall, he's the average kid in high school. not too many friends, but a lot of them are cool people. there was a problem one time, though, when i was heading into 6th grade (being a transfer into the same school as my brother had been goiong to for 2 years and was in the same building as an 8th grader). some of the people in the hallways would talk behind my back (i heard some of them) about how my bro said i was a geek because i was 2 grade levels ahead in math (being in his grade level for the subject). a few times during that year, and that year only, random people would pop up to me and either mock me as they walked by or ask me something regarding what my brother had said. being the new kid and everything, it was mildly depressing to go through that. I was making friends quite rapidly, though, as I had gained popularity when i met people in my classes in the upper grade levels (i was also a grade level ahead in band because the school i was attending started band in 6th grade while my old school started band in 5th grade). my problems seemed to disappear in the second nine weeks of school as my socia life improved dramatically (i was once an extremely shy boy, coming out of a private school and being a sort of nerd for a while. although it was worth the academic experience, i still regret my social life developement in that school). just so you know (and not to make you read this long reply for a while longer), 6th grade was one of the most controversial years of my life. being exposed to life in a public school was a tremendous difference to that of a private school. also, it was the beginning of the second year i had been talking to my online friends i met in the RPG. in the second semester of that school year, i met a girl online that fell in love with me (or was one of those sexual predators) and i with her. she lived somewhere else in the country though, so we just chatted online. my english teacher (one of the best teachers i've ever met in my life for more than english. i did very well in her class as her curriculum covered the grammar aspects of the English language. we became friends in a teacher-student kind of bond. she was impressed with my academic prowess in her class as I excelled most pre-AP students and she even nominated me for a leadership conference (NYLSC) in 8th grade) gave out an assignment to write our feelings in a journal and she would grade the grammatical part of our writings. i, of course, wrote about my online social life and a bit about my brother (we had a fight over something and he ended up kicking me in front of my mom. it was a good day for me ). i learned that expressing my feelings by writing them down helped, and so i continued after the assignment was over (but that's another story). anyways , around february of my 6th grade year (i met the girl during Christmas break on the day the school dance was cancelled), my dad caught me chatting with her. i'm pretty sure i told u what happened after that (severe depression, a new perspective of life, a change in attitude, ridicule from my brother). that should cover most of it. if you've gotten this far, i thank you deeply. it takes a lot of time and patience to read something that long.

it is nice to relate to someone every now and then... saved me from myself once i was once called mature for my age at my school. i dunno if it's cause i'm 6'4", which is tall for my age and makes me look older than i really am, or if it's cause i seemed calm on the surface when things were crazy on the outside compared to what it's usually like. i'm different at home (as you have read), but i only feel like i'm separate. it's kind of like being a commercial on tv...not always what you want too see when you're watching a good show, but there nonetheless

religion is the belief that we're here for a reason. we're not the middle east and organized religion is a group of people who agree with each other why we exist. religion has never been a way to unite with the world, usually just with the people of the same religion and whoever that religion converted.

i would love to, but i don't have time for chatting online half the time. we should call ourselves 'Bloodline of the Outdated Shy' cause being shy for us seems outdated or something

you seem to be doing just fine to me as for your parents, i've always seen it as this: adapt to life by keeping an independent state of mind. what that means is that everything around you is influence, not law. my parents want me to go to Texas A&M because it's an extremely nice school (which i agree with), but that's not going to stop me from going ivy league if i get the chance. your parents want you to make the right decisions, but it's only what they think is right, so that's your influence. what they think is right. don't always second guess them, though. they have lived as a teen too and were obviously brought up well, considering how far you've gotten in life without more trouble than this. i'd love to help you on how your brother is critisizing you, but i'm having troubles with that too. you should check out my post under emotions and feelings called "Boxing it all in...(long)". it's very long, but it provides insight on how to deal with your family sometimes (for me, atleast).

join the club but honestly, try changing your perspective on things. you know you're not looking at things the right way when everything seems hopeless. try imagining what they see and how they would react to it. for example, they see a shy girl. they react by getting angry at you because they can't seem to do anything about it and end up avoiding any way to help because they're not sure what's going on in your head. sometimes things aren't what they seem, though, and you'll get mixed feelings over what could be a sign of pity rather than anger. don't be afraid to explain yourself, cause we need to know more to help you

well, my mom is always really stressed out. she works her a** off each day cause she was raised that way (her dad was in the military and lived in the deep south), but it really gets on her nerves when there's a fight between my brother and me. I tend to back off from the fighting by staying away from him more often, but that's not always possible. we get along just fine when our parents are around (of course), and it's only when they're not around that things between us get negative real fast. as a result, they don't know what happens (i generally don't tell cause it's too stressful to solve sometimes. honestly the fights are usually about how my brother thinks my friends are goths (obviously not true) and that I'm just as bad as goths are. other times it's over how i disagree that my dad is doing all the wrong things when he disciplines him more than me) and their trust in me is skewed because it's when i'm around my parents that i blow some steem. It's never too bad, but i act really negative toward my brother and it starts the day on a bad mood. it's not always like this, though. i don't think i stressed that enough in this post, but that's what happens when it is like this. I guess my dad is more passive on this... his punishments are usually temporary (instead of the full week, only a few days) and that has a lot to how his day was and if he's in a forgiving mood (which is most of the time). when it starts though, he be really straightforward on things like correcting my brother's faults on driving, telling me not to do something that seems unsafe online, and setting limits and prerequisites on what he will accept for an acceptable attitude. my brother doesn't get along with him to well when he's told to do something by my dad and another argument...you know, they really argue a helluva lot more than i feel they should. it pisses the hell out of me when it's the tenth time in two days that they argue over something stupid like who's right and why they're right. I used to get depressed about it sometimes in the morning when they'd argue on the way to school. i'd always try to get out of the car as soon as i could cause i knew i could forget it all (even though i never did...) and have some fun talkin to my friends and being away from my bro for a while. after school it was alright though cause my mom picked us up (i was in 8th grade at the time and he was a sophomore, so we were at different places even though i was dropped off at the high school everyday with my brother for math cause i was one of the two people in 8th grade who was able to learn geometry. my brother was in a separate math class, though). my brother's always been on mom's side cause she wasn't as harsh on him when he did something wrong and dad noticed it. i was indifferent, but i kinda like my dad more cause he's really cool sometimes in a way only guys can be cool. I've never figured out why my brother was like this. it's nothing in our family, though, cause we were both adopted. all through my life i tried to adapt (box it in), but it never really has gone anywhere. I just forget about it when i'm around my friends and hope it'll end when he moves. it'd be nice if it'd end sooner, though.

actually i was the only one playing an rpg. I liked talking to people i never met b4. the only problem was is that i became sort of attatched to the people i met and it was too hard to let go of that. my parents are some of the greatest you will ever meet when it comes down to unconditional love, though maybe not the best at handling the stress of everything. my brother usually watches tv when he's doing anything, though. it literally takes up half his day excluding school. thanks for reading all that, btw. it sets a good example for me

being a guy and all, if i ever gave a girl my phone number it'd be for more than a beer don't back off unless u don't like beer! u should feel lucky to meet some1 like that (unless he's an alcohlic, of course)

u know, we really should start a club, cause all of a sudden i don't feel like i'm the only one with these problems. I always thought if i did something cool like start a band that really rocks some1s head off then i'd have the chance to find something to say cause everyone who liked the band would probably feel the same way about everything as i do...

i was at my school's band camp last week. one day a friend of mine asked me to join this bible study group and so i thought i should go cause i'm really interested in people expressing their feelings in that way. has good moral values and whatnot in the package. It was a nightly thing after supper, practice, and during free time, so the whole night thing kind of set a cool mood for everyone in the hundred degree weather from earlier that day. the first few days were more like a typical bible study (Jesus died for us, it freed us from sin, some dude found something interesting in this christian rock song he listens to, etc.). many people just walking by noticed it and the whole deal spread to about 15 or so people each night. Anyways, the talks were getting more and more serious each night cause they entered topics like how people judge you on the outside instead of the inside and how it affects people. Adding on to that topic (this was on the last day, btw) was a familiar feeling we've all seemed to have had before: depression. One person in particular mentioned that she always boxed in that feeling and let it all out later on while playing it cool on the surface. It reminded me of that time when I felt my life fall apart in front of me as I was repeatedly rediculed in my family (by my only brother) on a bunch of crap over how I like to live, or when things get out of control over my brother and my parents and he (being a 16 y/o) just makes it worse when he adds on to how I'm the one to blame. It started sometime around my 6th grade year (currently going into 9th) when my parents banned me from chatting with two people (who had been best friends their entire life) after i'd been chatting with them for atleast a year. we'd do crap like play mmorpgs online or try to get one of the two straight on not trying to kill himself because he never fit in and nobody would care anyways. I became best friends with those two cause for one, i was just transferred to a new school 6th grade and i was shy as hell. for two, it was awesome talking to some people my age (except for the one who wasn't thinking straight. he was about 3 yrs older than all of us) about stuff i care about and could do that for hours each day. But after I was banned form them, i was scarred. i remembered, on that night i was at bible study, how i couldn't handle my self and decided to box it in as well. it would happen more and more often as i began to control my emotions by boxing them in more and more until one day i remembered. the memory of that day could keep me up all night because my pillow would be soaked on one side from my own tears, something that i wouldn't do if my grandma died; hell, even if my dad died it wouldn't have been that bad. It always happened when I was in trouble for fighting with my brother over something that ended up in a battle over whose trust was earned (not mine after i was banned from my best friends from another state) rather than who was telling the truth. I could control when i let it all go a little better after each time, which only means it happened when it truly hit me after a while. Soon only a song like Thrice's Stare at the Sun, Best of You by Foo Fighters, when i was talking to my friends or was banned (usually linkin park), or even ikari's Simple and Clean from Kingdom Hearts (the storyline in that game really related to mine in a way cause i also met this girl one day online but i now think she was probably one of those pedafiles. either that or i'm just so afraid she isn't that if i knew she wasn't then i'd have to go through more pain). Point is I can't stop boxing it up. things go so bad in my family sometimes that it seems like the only way to fix things, even though it ends up only numbing it down for a while... Why am i doing this? it's so stupid that i've even though about suicide more than once a month . Its gotten so bad that the last time I did let it all go (which was the week before band camp after yet another argument in the family over something that was something adding up in the same damn box i've been using for years)) that i had thought about just snapping and taking a knife to use on my brother's mouth so he would shut up for once. The next day after that, I woke up during the morning and rode my kayak (i was having a vacation at a lake in Branson, Missourri called Table Rock). i was thinking about how to fix things for myself and decided to not give a crap about anything. if i was going to make a point, i would make it in the way i thought was mature and longlasting. I wasn't going to do drugs or harm someone; I was going to not give a crap until i didn't have to, which was when i was around my friends. it's worked so far and i may have just gotten back from seeing my friends at band camp, but i know it will happen again. It never has stopped and it won't stop soon. It gets worse each time and worsens over the school year when my lazy brother does a poor job in keeping his grades up in his classes cause he didn't do/turn in his homework and there's another argument over that. I need help with this cause i know there's a brighter future out there than the one i see now and it's only because the one i see is eclipsed by my box... sorry that was long, but i needed to get that out of my system.

going up to people and greeting them out of nowhere.... doesn't sound like a bad idea really i guess it'd be a good idea to notice something ideosyncratic and positive about that person and start something off like that?

u make a fine point in labeling society. I agree, but it really isn't going to help you if you keep the scoreboard tidier than you keep yourself. Being involved in things give a better perspective on life, too; keeping the scoreboard with you or not. I realize your avatar says satan inside. why not try getting involved with a good church and see what different perspectives of life you see there? I went to church camp this summer and there was this gothic dude who really changed himself when he became involved in the small groups.

i love how i don't give up on something easily. it paid off one day and when my track team got 2nd in state

well it is dating and shy people, i thought it was a mix of the two. sry

I know I can talk to my friends for hours if i feel like it, but that's my problem: feeling like it ](*,) At parties it only takes a few minutes, at school a few hours, and sometimes when I'm on the phone it takes however long it takes to come up with something that interests both of us. I look at myself and say that I don't do enough in life to come up with the right topic at the right time Sometimes I do, but only around friends I'm comfortable with and know what to say at the right time. I have trouble around slightly older people, people who seem shy around me but can talk to their friends like it's more than natural, and people who seem a bit more dominant by how they act. Sometimes I even have problems around my own friends and just stand there looking ridiculous with nothing to say I guess I either suck at small talk around people sometimes or I just need to "warm up" to burn my shyness out How do I conquer this? plz tell me if i need to rephrase this