Russo
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Say, you're getting dumped. The ex comes with the famous line "it's not you, it's me yaddieyadda" She leaves. She wants to initiate NC. Why would somebody do that? And I'm not wanting to hear the obvious stuff like: "she's met someone else" More along the likes of: the dumper needs to heal too? or the dumper does not want to be confronted with your pain? Why the NC from the dumpers side? I can fully understand it from the dumpees' perspective, but why from the dumper? I'm seriously interested in your opinions. And no, she isn't a callous heartless scumsucking bottomdweller, although at times I wish she was.
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Bill Withers: Lean on me Sometimes in our lives we all have pain We all have sorrow But if we are wise We know that there's always tomorrow Lean on me, when you're not strong And I'll be your friend I'll help you carry on For it won't be long 'Til I'm gonna need Somebody to lean on Please swallow your pride If I have things you need to borrow For no one can fill those of your needs That you don't let show Lean on me, when you're not strong And I'll be your friend I'll help you carry on For it won't be long 'Til I'm gonna need Somebody to lean on If there is a load you have to bear That you can't carry I'm right up the road I'll share your load If you just call me So just call on me brother, when you need a hand We all need somebody to lean on I just might have a problem that you'd understand We all need somebody to lean on Lean on me when you're not strong And I'll be your friend I'll help you carry on For it won't be long Till I'm gonna need Somebody to lean on Lean on me... No worries friend. The bighearted are the ones who carry the torch for others, and those who selflessly carry others will be rewarded. It might not be now, but it will come some day. Keep that heart of yours big, even if it's cracked a bit now. This world needs big hearts. I'm the same way.
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I've tried it today, I broke NC. You know what it did? It crushed me completely. I'm not doing it anymore, sure I'll think of her, sure I'll hurt. Lots even. Everytime I remember the good things. But that's what they are, memories. Past tense. You got full control now, it might not feel that way at first, but you'll feel it eventually. It's your life, you can do whatever you want, with the person you (should) love most. Yourself. Stay strong.
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Holding On/Focus on the Negative or Positive?
Russo replied to rimshot22's topic in Breaking Up Advice
I agree. I've been there, VERY recently. I left the door open, she came back in. Guess who got the door slammed in his face? Not her. It's unfair, it's cruel and it sucks! But a relationship only works if it's equal. I need some time for myself is saying something else than: WE need to fix this. there is no I in team. -
Pfew, just after I posted that last post, I immediately went out, to be out of the house, away from the computer and away from all electric forms of communication. I took my cell though and called two friends. They let me vent for over an hour. (don't wanna see that phonebill) I smoked what felt like a full carton of luckies (Im an emo smoker. the more emo the more carcinogens, bad habit kids, don't start!) but I feel less stressed now. Going out with some friends tomorrow and I have decided to go back to work on Monday. I'm going to spend this weekend with friends only, they're gonna keep me busy enough and hold me back if I attempt something stupid. (which doesn't make sense because I'm the resident beerchugging champion and recordholder of consecutive tequila shots thanks to THEM!) but you get my point, I thought I'd end on a high note for today. No use of ruining your entire day over one phone call right?
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I feel I want to do it right now! This friggin' urge is just soaring through me, this voice in my head is screaming to resist, to fight it, it just screams "DON'T LET IT ALL SLIP AWAY! DO SOMETHING!" I feel like I'm standing here watching everything about my life fall apart and I can't do anything about it. JESUS!
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Ok, cringe all you like guys. I broke it. Already. I caved. I broke NC. I did the stupidest thing. I called. She was cold, she was distant all the things you guys know by now. I tried to chitchat, before I started apologizing for calling. I know. Dumb mistake. She told me that she didn't want contact for a while and "a while" didn't pass yet. I explained to her that it was hard coping and that I knew I was making a mistake by doing this. I just had to. Somehow. I told her that it was difficult getting through the days without her, without talking to her. She told me she was studying and I interrupted her in her studies. I (DUMB JERK!) asked how long this nc thing would be needed. She had no idea. How she went on with things, how she could do it. "I'm just living my life, nothing fancy about it" I asked her if she felt that I was being a pain, she told me that I wasn't that big of a pain but I didn't respect her wishes of NC. I responded to that with: "you know how much this relationship meant to me, I can't just walk away like it never happened, right?" She said that it was understandable. Finally. The kicker. me: "do you ever think about me?" she: "no, I'm hanging up the phone" me: "never?" she: "sometimes" *CLICK* Alright, raze, critisize, whatever. I know from reading stuff on the boards and the advice I've been given that this was the WRONG thing to do. VERY WRONG. And I know you people have gone through the same. Somehow my brain cannot compute all of this, last week we made plans for our future, next week this. How do people just drop it and carry on like nothing happened? I just don't get it. Can people be this callous? Sorry for messing up people. I'm really sorry. God, I miss her.
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This is starting to sound like harassment. Or maybe you could confront them calmly (keyword is CALMLY) or otherwise they know they can get a emotional response by pushing your buttons this way. Just state calmly that you don't have time for this and you would appreciate it if it would stop. Or switch phones. Good luck
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I a firm believer of the "one" true love. Unfortunately, some people encounter their one "true" love several times in their lives. Mr/Mrs Right is just that, Mr/Mrs Right for that period in your life. But people are always evolving, you're always moving forward and sometimes people you walked with on your path need to make a turn because they have another destination than you. Personally I use the comparison of a trainride. Me and my ex got on the same train. We travelled together for a while each going through personal growth. I changed and so did she. But at some point I'd gotten to where I am supposed to be. It was my stop, and she had somewhere else to go. She couldn't get off with me. I miss her terribly, I really do and it hurts real bad. I'm just here standing. Waiting for the train. And that train will come. Sooner or later. Hope I could make some sense. Hang in there.
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Let's hear some post break-up stories...
Russo replied to navigator2001's topic in Breaking Up Advice
If you're dying to meet someone, rebound or not, what are you doing here then? Get out there! -
In this sentence I read two opposites. My guess is that she is conflicted (duh). To be honest I don't know in your case, I don't have knowledge of your history with this girl. I might sound a bit negative, but when someone says they love you and care for you they,most likely, aren't lying. The fact that they love you doesn't mean they wish to be with you. I think she needs some time to straighten herself out. Thank her for her thoughts but don't put too much hope into it. Don't slam the door on her, but leave it a bit open. If she wants to walk through the door on her own, fine. But don't invite her in. My two cents, the best I can do at the moment.
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Jchan, thanks for the peptalk. You've got a pm waiting on you. I locked myself in the house for the past three days, after a weekend of alcohol binging. I went out today into the sun. Only for 15 minutes, but still. Babysteps, just tiny babysteps. One at a time.
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Now that's a sick joke. I don't know your history and circumstances around your breakup, but pulling a prank like that on you is just wrong. go into the bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror, and find comfort in the fact that YOU are NOT such a person. Rise above this. Stay strong.
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Ok. Went to bed last night, after some tossing and turning finally fell asleep. waking up is a pain. Went online. Saw her on msn. I was so tempted to say something. But didn't. At one point I was cursing at the screen not to do it, and so I didn't. She went offline half an hour later. Babysteps. Tiny babysteps.
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That's one of the things I really can get ticked off about. I see it in my line of work constantly. The total INJUSTICE of certain situations. I see this no differently. Of course, there's nothing you can do but to move on and heal but doesn't it ever boil your blood that someone puts you through the ringer and gets away with it clean? I mean, you can't do nothing, but it makes you wonder why karma doesn't kick in as soon as you want it to. Yes, I know, it sounds a bit aggressive, but damn, sometimes some karmic payback would seem nice for a change. (sorry, going through an emo rollercoaster, angry, sad, alone, angry)
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yeah, that's true. thanks for your patience Bent.
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gheh, I gave her the entire sex and the city boxset for christmas, and I guess you're right. She knows I'm into her, heaps even. Exactly the reason why I asked her if she was 200% certain of the fact that it would work this time. She assured me wholeheartedly it would work. And it felt genuine. Hell, she even started talking about kids and all. That's why I'm so stunned about the total 180 she pulled. I've taken a few days off of work. I am absolutely in no state to perform my job properly and safely (I'm a cop) so I don't want to endanger anyone by being down. My problem is I get attached to people. A lot. I have never dumped a person in my life even if the relationship became a total crapstorm. I always felt I needed to gut it out. Right up to the point that the other person buckles under the strain. I find that a funny trait with me, as long as I'm with someone I can take huge amounts of stress. When I'm alone and should be feeling relieved (in some cases) that's when I'm totally powerless. I guess I need something to fight for.
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Ok. Calmed down a bit. The towel thing helped some. I'm sorry folks, but I guess this thread is going to stay open a while longer. I know you all give sound advice, no doubt in my mind. I can see it clear as day, and I know rationally it's the way to go. But every fibre within my essense seems to be screaming in agony. Sounds exxagerated? perhaps. but this is burning me up.
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It's only been a couple of hours. Is todays date irony? This is hell. I also am starting to feel physically ill. I'm starting to feel chestpains and nauseau. Think I shoudl lie down now.
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yeah, I know. it sucks. but it has to be done. I know her long enough to know when she's confronted with something she doesn't want to be confronted with she clams up. She builds this emotional bombshelter around her and acts all tough and callous. One of you said that she was somewhat "cold" in her email. You should've seen her the first time she broke up with me. She was inhuman. That was one of the things that hurt me the most back then. I'm not crying now, can't bring myself to it. The crying just isn't there now. Maybe later or something. I cried my eyes out in the weekend. Had a bit of a sob today, but I just talked to her and now nothing. Weird. Guess she isn't the person she used to be anymore.
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I have lots and lots of questions. No contact rule sounds good, although I will need some incentive of you guys in my weak moments. I just talked to her on msn. here's the transcript. me: I'm out of the loop, I'll give myself a few days to mourn, after that it's a kick up the butt. Life may be hard now, it won't be forever. It needs to heal on this side, and some day I''ll meet someone who''ll make me happy, be it you or someone else. her: that's one way to look at it. me: I can get all selfdestructive if I like, but it wouldn't help me much her: that's true me: and why am I doing this? no clue, maybe it'll help to see you in a different light, not the woman I cared for, but somebody else. her: ok me: if I can have a conversation with you, without getting nervous or emotional, then one day I can set you aside. her: ok me: it's not me. not this time. I've learned from my mistakes, they only thing I regret is hurting you in the past, and that's exactly what it is. Past. her: ok (pause, didn't type for a while) her: either I'm not getting your messages, or you not sending me anything. her: ? her: ? (consideration) me: of course I don't want to understand what made you leave again. (although your email was pretty clear). Deep from within I just believe that you made a mistake. and that is yours to make, and I can be arrogant enough to say you won't ever get a guy like me again. ok, that may sound a bit mad, but I'm not. her: that's ok, but I have to go now. me: have to? or want to? her: have to, big studyproject to finish up by tomorrow. So. me: one final thing. her: yes? (pause) her: I can't read nothing. are you sending something? me: you'll encounter many things on your path in life, maybe you already have. I don't know, but what we had will not be achieved again by either of us, well maybe me but that's because I'm tha man. If you think you can achieve that with another, well fine then. her: what do you mean? what do you want? (pause) her: if you're not saying anything I'm leaving. me: I want a timemachine and a clean record. but I'm leaving now, bye bye and good luck with everything, hope I didn't tick you off. her: are you still writing? her: ok. bye. ok. I guess it wasn't the best thing to do. but it felt somewhat relieving. so I don't regret it as much. now for nc. it's gonna be a toughie. but I'll just have to do it I guess. damn.
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Las time she said the same thing. "I stand behind my decision, we're through, I'm sorry" Few days later she was in tears. aw hell. I'm just grabbing on to anything I can I guess.
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For lack of knowing what I should do with it: here's the email she sent me: Hey, I'll try to explain it all to you. The reason I came back was because I thought and believed that everything would be allright, that the feeling would come back. Unfortunately, this wasn't the case and I had to hurt you again, only this time it would go calmer than the first time. I liked that, you remained calm and I remained calm. A nice goodbye, a very great time ended in a nice way. That it had to happen again was because the feeling wouldn't come back anymore. I cannot and don't want to be in a relationship that isn't equal, you love me a whole lot but I can't answer that feeling, I don't think it's fair towards you. I don't want that and I don't want to do that to you. That, in this process, I have to hurt you is unavoidable I'm afraid. I hope someday you will understand and agree with me that a relationship must be equal to those involved in it. I had a great time with you, and I learned a lot, I want to keep remembering that. That I seem so distant to you can't be helped. I know you are in pain, I can't make it go away I can't help you, You think I'm acting distant and actually I am, there is no more us and with that there's another way to interact. I don't want contact for a while, I got to get going with my life again. But I think I would be better for you as well if we don't have contact for a while. I hope it all became somewhat clearer for you. Good luck Sorry With love. damn it. DAMN IT! :sad:
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Hi folks, as many here I too suffer from being dumped. If you're interested, here's my story. I met her a year ago at a party, we hit it off instantly. She knew how I was for a while, while I had no idea who she was. Anyway, one week later we dated and it was official. We had great times. After a while, ugly things from my past reared their ugly heads. I became tense. Got angry for no reason at all. She held on for as lang as she could, then about a month ago, the bubble finally burst. She broke up with me stating she couldn't take in anymore. My fault I thought. I wept, wailed etc. It was my wake up call. Within a week, contact was initiated. I was kind, charming and turned over a new leaf. She hesitated. "maybe I needed to break up with you, so you could change" So I did. She came to miss me severely. She wanted back in. Hurrah. She came back. We had so much fun that weekend. We discussed future plans, planned a trip together, all the while she was reassuring me it was gonna be ok. We'd be fine. So everything is a-ok right? Wrong. We went to a party together, had huge amounts of fun. Happy together. Next day we were in bed sleeping of the buzz. I went downstairs for a smoke, came back up and there she was. Fully dressed, stating: "I got to go. Now." Ok. What's up? "I got a really busy week ahead of me, heaps of work. And I want some rest" Ok fine by me. I'll see you soon. Tried to call her, she was acting distant. I asked if it was us, but she reassured me all the while. "no no, I'm just really busy with college, have exams coming up and I'm coming down with something" So, I'll see you saturday? "Yeah definetly!" Saturday, june 3rd comes around. And I'm ecstatic. I bought her an expensive watch she liked as a gift. She comes in, gives me a hug and a kiss, asks me how I'm doing and we chit-chatted. Then she lit up a cigarette and gave me the look. I knew it. She was here to kill me. And she did. She told me it wasn't me. I was great. I really changed. I was sweet. The sex was awesome etc. I stayed calm. So did she. So we hugged, one final kiss. And she left. Meltdown. The second she went through the frontdoor I collapsed. I was MAD! WHY! WHAT THE HELL! Aftermath: I called the next day. She was agitated. I cried (made an * * * out of myself) she told me she couldn't help me. I had to see friends. I went out, got drunk. Send her txt msg's. After a bunch of them I sent: "Do you even read them? Or just delete immediately?" She sent a txt back: "I read every single one of them. I just can't respond to all of them. I'm sorry" Sent her an email yesterday. Stating that I'm devastated. That I care a lot. That sort of thing. Got an email back within 15 minutes. Her explaining to me that it is over and that she wants NC for a short while and that she was sorry for doing it to me again. I called her. Told her I'd always care for her and that I didn't want to say goodbye via txt of email. So, I did the speech. "I hope you'll be happy" etc. It took a lot out of me, but I didn't cry, I was calm. The response I got was: "are you finished?" ehm. yeah. I guess. Sorry that I called. "it's not a problem. Just don't make a habit out of it. Good luck, bye" and that was it. I just don't get it. help me.