DiscipleOfChange

actually, I asked her, but she was the one who came up and started talking to me. Anyways, it was fun. There's a balroom dance club here which I think I'll check out sometime. I haven't been going because they've only been offering thigs like tango but I think I'll start going I need to learn a bunch of stuff. I'm just drawn to the slower tempo stuff rather than salsa. ~Mark

that's a tough one. The thing is, people have to meet each other half way. Your ex can't remain fixated on the past "you." There isn't anything specific you can do except to be yourself. It sounds cliche and maybe it is, but by consciously trying to be different, one often ends up running in circles. Change is one of those quirky things in life that just happens and the harder you try to prove you've changed the harder you "show" rather than say it, the harder it will be for him to come around. The weird thing is, a person who is obviously trying is often perceived as not making progress by those they most desperately want to convince otherwise ~Mark

I just wanted to share with those of you familiar with my thus far with another step I've made. Last night, I didn't have anything to drink and decided to go to a dance being held on campus. I basically sat and people watched for the first 45 minutes but when a slow number came on I asked a girl I knew who was there to dance and it was fun. What's more, I went on to dance with 3 additional girls that night. Here's the kicker. I was just hanging out on the dance floor near the edge and this one girl just comes up to me and asks my name. I introduce myself and we talk for a bit. Another slow number came on and I asked her to dance and she said yes. We danced all through one song and when the next one started, she didn't even make any signs of stopping so we went right into another dance. The neat thing is, I didn't know this girl at all and she came up to me. I didn't get a number or anything but I adder her as a friend on facebook and I might try to chat with her sometime. In one night, I had more dances than I had in my entire pre-university life (during which I had none LOL). I definitely plan on going to more dances and getting some skills. ~Mark

First, I would reccomend against the note idea. It sounds a bit too middle school. As far as outright telling her goes, don't. Now, I strongly encourage you to try talking with her more and pending more time with her, maybe have lunch with her someday. The thing is, regardless ofall th eplayers out there or on this forum for whom the tactics suggested above have worked, I believe that real relationships, those that are built to last, start slowly and develop from friendships into relationships unexpectedly. I must applaud you for your opinions on women and the kinds that you fancy. With regrads to the snuggling thing: some girls are indeed comfortable with snuggling with many guys, no strings attached. The kiss though man, that's a bolder move than I would take and I'd be careful with how you do that. The fact that she was asleep and that you aren't "together" yet just rubs me the wrong way...but... basically, if you play it right by trying to spend more time with her and asking her more personal questions, it should be clear to her, in a healthy subtle way, that you're interested. ~Mark

I think I may have been a bit harsh earlier. A lot of people don't realize that they're not looking at you directly or at least they don't see it as so bad. I had to train myself to keep eye contact for my job this summer and walking around camous and watching people talking I notice an interesting phenomenon: a lot of people walk looking down or if they look up as they walk, they look away or check the time when they get close to another person (perhaps unconsciously). When people have conversations, often times, people look at each other for a bit but not the whole time. I still think however that at least when you shake someone's hand there should be no question, eye contact is a must ~Mark

Yes, you should be offended. Every gentleman knows that whenever he shakes anybody's hand and througout the course of any ensuing conversation, he must maintain eye contact. This holds true especially with regards to women. Unfortunately, many people do not maintain eye contact in this manner. ~Mark

In that case, I don't see anything inherently wrong with it. I mean, 17 is young, in a sense but if you both are interested in developing a relationship you should go for it. ~Mark

I suppose it really depends on where you live. Arguably, love shouldn't make a difference when it comes to age, however, some cultures frown upon relationships between minors and non-minors especially when the age gap is 4 years or so. The other complication could be that if he is still in high school and you university and both of you are about to graduate from school, then the issue becomes how do you two live your academic lives and combine that with your relationship. ~Mark

yeah, actually, my teachers are rather nice people, except for one who's a bit condescending but otherwise they're fun people

I'm a sophmore in college and I was just wondering if there were any college students here who are also experiencing feelings of disaffection. I of course welcome input from anyone else, but I would greatly enjoy chatting with people experiencing similar things right now. I find I'm not really passionate about my classes. I occasionally neglect to do the reading that is assigned. I do the homework that has to be turned in of course. I don't have a crew of friends to chill with although I am on friendly greeting/speaking terms with a great many people. An even though I've gotten a grip on the relationship thing which messed me up a lot in the past, I stil wouldn't mind having someone to hold. If there are any college students out there experiencing the same or similar things, let me know. maybe we could chat over the forum or on IM ~Mark

Whatever you're thinking of doing, PLEASE DON'T! Go to a friends house or go to someone who will watch you and take care of you and get help. SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER. As dark a place as you may be in, don't take your own life. Please for the love of G-d. ~Mark

Well, as I've said on other posts, I feel that the three chief drives of all people are love, friendship and accomplishment. Love, in that we all feel compelled to love another and feel the need to be loved. Friedship, in that we need to have people on whom we can depend for non-romantic companionship and comfort. Accomplishment, in that at the end of one's life, one can say without hesitation, that they have led a good life. Now, as far as passions go, that's a slightly different matter. For many, hobbies produce and then fuel passions. Cooking, photography or playing an instrument give many people tremendous thrill. ~Mark

You sound like a really wonderful person when you describe yourself that way. A lot of people say that one needs to stand out or dress elegantly, but I think, in fact i prefer girls that match your description. The problem is, guys like me are often a lot like the girls they're interested, relatively shy and the like. thereforeeee, the liklihood of two such people meeting is rather rare. You sound like a really swell girl and I'm sure everything will work out ~Mark

I suppose the key thing is that I'm dealing with my issues but still have work to do. I may very well schedule a meeting with the psyc services on campus, just to talk about stuff. I suppose the thing is that I wish I could snap my fingers and have it all, a circle of friends, someone to hold etc. I just some days have a tough time warming up to the fact that it will take time, maybe even a long time and a lot of work. ~Mark

You what really eats me? I've certainly made a lot of progress this semester so far and I acknoledge that. I find though that some days are really good days, but then I seem to come down off the high of that good day or night and then int's like a crash. This morning for example, I was okay. All in all last night went well. This afternoon though, I find myself inside the dorm, I venture outside to see if I might be able to meet some new people but I don't stay out for long. And the craziest thing is things objectively are probably going my way, more than ever. Somedays though I think of myself as a figure in Edward Hopper's "Nighthawks" except I'm not in the cafe, I'm accross the street looking in. Of course, in a day or so, possibly less, I'll be fine, there will something that will make me smile and laugh. The truth is I don't have a crowd or a crew that I run with. Maybe this is just what I do. For years and years, I've gotten accustomed to being by myself and whenever I feel threatened by going out there and being with a lot of people, I retreat for a little while back into the comfort of solitude. I don't have any disorder. I know this because I saw a psychologist over the summer and he would have told me if I had something. But I guess my question is, if I don't have anything wrong with me, is what I'm dealing with normal?

I think there are a lot of us out here, men and women, who wouldn't mind walking up to someone and kissing them. We just keep those thoughts to ourselves is all.

well, I went to the party. I'd say after all was said and dine, the night was fun. Nothing happened, not that I expected anything too. I feel though that the next time I go out to a greek party, I'll be a little more comforatble and have a little more fun. that's my plan, gradually build up comfort with the party life so that I can approach people with greater ease and have an even better time.

I know ingeneral pick up lines or things of that nature aren't viewed as cool, but I wanted to know if anyone had any that act as nice ice breakers. I actually just thought of one, which would only work if I actually had cold beers on me. Now, I would only say this after introduictions. "Hey, you ladies (if there's more than one girl) look hot (this is where I would pause ever so slightly) would you like a cold beer?" ~Mark

Let me begin by saying I'm still getting over my shyness. I talk to more people, but I will sometimes end up eating alone or if I do join people, the conversation seems to often revolve around them rather than me. I made a decision this year though that I woul make an effort to meet new people on a greater scale than I did last year. In that regard, I have suceeded. Without a doubt, I still have a lot of work to do, but gradually, I can tell I'm getting better. One thing I have started doing this year is going out and drinking on the weekends. Last year, I only drank on about 5 occasions. There's a place on my campus called "The Wall" which is actually just a ramp, but it is where a lot of people go to drink and hang out on the weekends. I usually go there, unless I find some friends to drink with. Whether for better of for worse, alcohol has helped me loosen up and go out and meet people. Granted, I still don't approach groups of strangers with a great deal of ease, but occasionally I will. I have made great progress in interacting with women too. Though I still have work to do in that department, even the smallest ammount of progress makes a world of difference to me. I mean, if you had suggested to me that before mid-term break I would have played spin the bottle, I would have told you that you were full of it. But, two nights ago, I saw some people I knew having fun and talking on the balcony. I was even ready to go to sleep. When I looked down from the window, one girl I knew waved at me to come down and so I went. People were basically drinking and smoking and at first there were a bunch of people. After a while, some people wandered off and this one girl said we should play spin the bottle. I had not even had much to drink that night. I even almost skipped out. I stuck with it though and I had my first 5 kisses of my life, 2 with tongue. I still spend a fair ammount of time alone, wishing I had a crowd to run with, but I'm quite contented when I objectively look at how much progress I've made this semester so far. Pair that with the fact that the semester is less than half over and this year looks pretty good to me. I'm not a big party person, but I'm planning on going to a greek party tonite. My plan is maybe find someone to go with but if not I will still go. I'll use the same tactic I've been using so far, just doing it. I mean to say that heck, it's a party and I need to just walk up to people and introduce myself and have a fun time. At dances in high school and middle school, I would cling to the walls at dances. I just got fed up with missing out. Now in all fairness, I do have good days and bad days, as we all do. I deal with it for a while but realize I can't let feelings get me down, brush it off or maybe go for a run. One thing I've been doing, no matter how narcissistic some may call it, has been looking at myself in the mirror every morning and saying "Mark, you're hot!" "Who's the man? You the man!" I lost 20 pounds over the summer and that has helped boost my confidence. Confidence is key. Here's to all of us who are getting better! We may have a ways to go, but we've made tremendous progress so far.! ~Mark

points well taken. Thanks guys. I have heard a lot of the "don't plan anything" and sctually it seems to have wokren out well. I don't plan on getting extremly far gone, but I seem to be able to reach a state of drinkeness where I'm dunk enough to enjoy the drunk side of the party and sober enough still to enjoy the finer points, after all, what fun is making out if you don't remember it right? I got my tools together for the night though as was recomended to me by a man with expereince in this field: Chapstick, Mints, a lighter, a bottle opener and a good outfit and smooth style. I shall let you all know how the party goes. ~Lates

Okay. I'm totally planning on going to this party on Saturday. It will be my first greek party (it is being throiwn by a sorrority but is an all campus party) I'm not sure what the premise of the party is. I've heard they're giving out condoms at the door. Now, I have no plans to get action, not at all. I would however like to maybe have thance to make out with someone. I know of course that I can't go with that as a plan but that if it happens it happens. I figure, basically just walk up to a group of girls or a girl and start up a conversation. That should prove somewhat easier at a greek party than just on the street. I know I gotta look sharp and be cool. Any tips or suggestions out there?

well, not as in saturated, more like when you slip your tongue in a little ways, it is a little wet and if the person has wet their lips right before the kiss. Ah heck, I haven't had enough expereince to know what a good kiss vs. a bad kiss is. There's a party on Saturday I'm thinking of going to. It's a sorrority party and I've been told the basic premise is sex, since condoms are handed out at the door. ObvioulsyI'm not going to go to get laid, since I'm a man of principles. I'm not saying "oooh, no sex before marriage. However, I m definitely not a one-night stand guy. I think sex is something that should be saved until two people know that they really want it. I don't disapprove of those who chose to have one night stands, they're just not for me. But I'm sure there must be non-sex stuff happening over there. I'd go to meet people and maybe get a little more experience in kissing. I doubt I'd be propositioned, but if I were I'd say something smooth with a grin like. "Well, never on the first date, but let's make out." I'd ask for kissing tips, but that's such a cliche topic here and besides, I imagine its a bit like whislting; a person could tell you a million times over how to do it but really you just discover the way on your own.

as an afterthought, Kissing is a pretty weird thing. I mean, I think its really dramatized in the media. It's wet, and just plain starnge. But after even further consideration, ....I think I like it 8-[

Hey guys! I just wanted to announce a step of progress I made tonite. I went downstairs to the balcony where some people were chilling and hung out with them drinking and talking. So then someone suggests we play spin the bottle. Anyways, I ended up kissing 3 different girls. 2 with tongue. I wss hesitant to play at first, but then my over romantic self got slapped in the face by my realistic self. It was high time I kissed a girl and started getting kissing experience. Sure there's a difference between the first kiss and the first meaningful kiss, which I'm sure will be special when it comes along. But I'm stoked. I'm not letting anything get to my head because I KNOW everything was all just a stupid game. Everyone else had the bottle land on them more than me,but its all good, I'd say that kissing 3 girl in one nite isn't bad as far as my climbimbing the social scene goes Oh, I told this girl later she was my first kiss and asked her how I was. She said I was okay. but I don't really care what thr truth was. Heck, I'd never kissed anyone before so Im sure I was pretty shabby, but better shabby there than shabby during my first meaningfull kiss right? LATES! ~Mark

Unlike what seems to be the case with many guys my age, I'm totally interested in finding out how I can develop a meaningful relationship with someone NOT based on sex. It seems though, that I'm definitely in the minority. I'm really trying to figure out how to casually chat with girls, spend one on one time, that kind of stuff. So, take it from me, there are the kinds of guys you seem to be looking for out there. ~Mark