Cherylyn

You gradually recover by getting busy. You have too much time to obsess over her. Become completely immersed in your job, concentrate on your physical and mental well being, focus on health and be kind to yourself. Become a very productive and industrious person. Then you won't have time nor energy to dwell and ruminate on your past. It takes time to recover from a breakup. I've found that healthy distractions are good for one's soul. Make a positive change for yourself.

Both of you are polar opposites of the spectrum. It's best to go your separate ways permanently. You have a vision for your future. Your boyfriend is unstable, insecure regarding his future, financially dependent upon his father and eventually you will take on more of his burdens which will eventually become your financial headaches and responsibility. He is rudderless. He should be with a woman just like he is and in the same situation while you should be with a man who is a real winner just as you are. Your boyfriend is a real drag. Get rid of the dead weight.

Don't expect validation. Change the way you think, act and strategize for your mental survival. This new trajectory will benefit you tremendously in your favor and advantage. Play your cards smart. Put yourself in the driver's seat and everyone will play by YOUR rules from now on unbeknownst to them. It's very empowering. I've since had a lot of practice. Don't get involved with people who act like idiots. Steer clear.

Your mother doesn't want to get involved in what she perceives your whining as drama and she doesn't care how you feel or what you think. She wants you to keep everything light, generic, polite and very superficial regarding your relationship with her and your siblings. She doesn't wish to be bothered by your drivel. (With all due respect to you.) Your mother and sisters lack empathy. Grow accustomed to it. I know you want to express your feelings of ire, discontent and unfairness to your mother and you crave her empathy. A normal parent-child or grown adult child has an empathetic rapport. She will not be the type of mother you expect, want and wish for and you will not have the idyllic sister relationships you prefer. This is how it is for millions of families. Everyone won't agree with each other regarding how to treat each other with love and respect. This is the norm for many. I'm sorry. Accept it even though you don't like it because life is unfair. Lower your expectations to nil. The less you expect of others, the less you'll get hurt. Since you'll never be able to change people or change how they think, stop trying to instill values in them because it's a lost cause. Accept that they are who they are and there's nothing you can do about them or situations. Therefore, you're the one who has to change, change dynamics, enforce strong, healthy boundaries for yourself and learn to adapt. With your sister's deception, disrespect and narcissism, avoid her. You can still remain polite and well mannered while maintaining a safe, cool distance. With your mother, keep your opinions to yourself. She doesn't want to hear it so back off. Play nice with her and leave it at that. Don't get close to people if they don't treat you the way you should be treated. Do that in order to keep the peace for yourself and your sisters. As for the lack of invitation to you, let it go. Don't pout, stew nor get steamed for being excluded. Accept that you're rejected and their heart's not into you despite the last minute invite. Be a good sport because you're teaching your child how to have class, behave with dignity, poise and aplomb during challenging situations. Be the bigger person and take the high road. Don't force yourself to be with people when you know you're not well liked nor welcome. Go with the flow to your advantage! Go your own way in life by creating your own happiness for yourself, your child and be with considerate, mindful people who treat you with respect. Don't expect explanations regarding your ostracism. Accept it and go about raising your child properly and set a fine example. Don't complain, explain nor make excuses because you can't change ignorance. Gaslighting is the oldest, nastiest, deflective, most manipulative, ugly, psychological warfare. It is a mental disorder for which there is no cure. Steer clear and never allow any conversation to escalate to gaslighting. Keep a frosty, respectful, well mannered distance at all times. Play it safe for yourself and your child. Stay away from weird people who lack moral character. Change the way you think if you want to feel and become strong and tough. Treat them the same way they treat you so this relationship is fair and balanced. Become dismissive, indifferent, apathetic, unemotional, emotionally detached and numb. Do less, say less, write less. Keep certain people at arm's length for your own safety. Learn to protect yourself and your feelings. Once you transform and evolve yourself, you will feel cool and resilient. I speak from experience. I've tried all sorts of tactics all to no avail. It was all an effort in futility trying to reason with unreasonable, illogical, unstable, insecure, emotionally unintelligent people which was like administering medicine to the dead. Either you'll feel defeated each and every time, you'll be gaslit or you'll cause unnecessary turmoil, distress and discord. It's never worth it. It's a waste of your time and energy. Don't get hurt anymore. Get smarter. Don't try to force people, dynamics and relationships to change in your favor. Change your trajectory and change YOUR behavior if you want healthy control in your life. Google "emotional intelligence." You can never reason with those who lack emotional intelligence. Therefore, strategize yourself, change your tactic and become very shrewd. You will feel permanently unwavering, steadfast, absolute, very secure, cool and content with yourself.

I'm not you. However, if it were me, I'd jump at the chance for the $27K increase at a large corporation with great benefits! 🙂 It sounds to me, you would have better stability, a steady pay check and job security. To me, money matters. $27K isn't peanuts. I think it's a great opportunity for you. Since you have flexibility in your future, you always have the option to job hop if you bide your time at the corporation and mull your options then. I think the experience would look great on your resume IMHO.

I agree with others. Both of you have different lifestyles, preferences and values. Both of you won't mesh and click. Both of you are not in lockstep nor on the same page. Since there is no compromise and both sides have their differences in opinion, I agree with others, this relationship is not working. Be with a more compatible man. I remember when I was dating my husband. I joined his friendship group, enjoyed being with his friends, we had mutual friends and we both socialized with separate friends. Note that our socializing with others was infrequent and only occasional. Our families reside locally so we were with them as well whether together or separately. We also spent time together doing what we enjoyed such as various outings, dining out and the like. A happy medium is important. Either both of you need to strike a balance somewhere or go your separate ways.

Realize and know that your boyfriend is NOT the same as men from your previous relationships. Everyone is an individual. Give him that respect. After a year and a half, everything is going great so don't jeopardize nor create unnecessary drama for yourself in your mind or otherwise. If he's earned your trust, yes, trust him. Since your boyfriend is an amazing person as you say, don't let a good one get away otherwise you'll sorely regret it. Be grateful for your kind, caring, very loving boyfriend because finding a man like him is like winning the lottery. Enjoy not having troubles with a man because what you have is priceless.

Apologize humbly and sincerely. Explain why you lied. Say, "I'm sorry . . . " Hopefully, he'll forgive you. Forgive does not mean forget, condone nor trust easily again. You have to rebuild trust by being an honest, truthful person. Be all in with integrity and be the type of moral lady you feel comfortable looking at in the mirror every morning. Be prepared. Rebuilding and earning new trust again takes a long time as in many months or sometimes years. Either he'll prevent risking future possible lies by breaking up with you or he'll give you second chance so you can prove to him that you can be a changed, trustworthy person. The longer you postpone telling him the truth, the more likely he'll break up with you. It's better to be quick. Get it over and done with. Remain realistic. Live and learn. I've found that lying creates future hot messes. It's better to tell the truth. Deception and betrayal of trust is a terrible thing. Naivete is no more. Try not to fear nor predict the future. He has to realize that everyone makes mistakes and I'm sure in some ways, he's not a perfect angel himself. Learning to forgive is a huge part of the healing process for both of you. He has to learn to forgive if he wants to keep you in his life. After you confess, explain why you lied, humbly and sincerely apologize. Express your sincere regret and remorse to him. He should give you a second chance if he thinks you're extra special in his life. Since your offense is not on par with something more serious such as cheating, stealing and you have a conscience to make an immediate wrong right, hopefully he'll have compassion and he himself can do the right thing as well. I usually look at the offense. If it's a minor offense and sincere, humble amends are attempted early on and immediately, I tend to forgive and moving on is the mature way to go. As long as you've since learned how to be honest with yourself and others from this day forward, you still have a nub of chance for patching things up and starting anew with a clean slate. See how this goes and then take it from there. I hope you're ok with traveling to his hometown. It's odd how insistent he is for you to travel long distance to see him as opposed to his traveling at least halfway to see you for your birthday celebration. Be safe during your travels. Don't fret too much. Usually, a humble apology tends to work in your favor if the offense was minor. Chin up. You'll be okay!

Thank you, boltnrun. OP, bajolas. You will find someone else. This someone else will deserve you. For the time being, it's better to be alone than feeling lonely with a very toxic, immoral man in your life. Your self confidence will grow over time. The stronger and tougher you grow, the more you can afford to become very picky and choosy. In the future, you won't settle for a man who is mediocre or subpar in CHARACTER. Don't consider this negative experience as failure. I always see poor choices as not all in vain. You've learned priceless yet harsh lessons in life. What you gain is wisdom for today and your future. This is your key takeaway so run with it.

It's not your problem. He's a grown adult and responsible for his own life; NOT you. Whether he finds someone or not, it's none of your concern. It's his business, NOT yours.

OP bajolas wrote: "Besides still having feelings for him I think I'm with him for the same reasons I was in a previous 10 year relationship that should have ended way sooner: fearful of hurting the person and fear of the possibility of being alone and not finding someone." Don't feel sorry for hurting him nor fear that he'll be alone and can't find someone. That's his problem, not yours. He's a grown adult so let him take care of himself. You're not responsible for him. Live your own life and learn to be independent minded for your own mental survival.

Say this: "We're incompatible. It's time to go our separate ways permanently. Please do not contact me anymore. Please respect my wishes. Thank you. I wish you all the best." Don't complain, explain nor make excuses. Don't discipline nor lecture him. Be respectful yet very firm and final. Be strong and tough. You can do it. Yes, it will hurt. However, the hurt fades the more steadfast, unwavering and serious you are for your best interests. You do what you have to do and think of how you are better for it in the long run. In the future, you can afford to be more picky and choosy. Pay very close attention to character because being with a moral person is tantamount. Nothing else matters in your life.

Change the way you think. I try my best to love people or some people. However, once I discover that I can't admire and respect them anymore, that love instantly dies. People who don't possess integrity and treat others with dignity are insecure which makes me feel very uncomfortable. I perceive them with sudden disdain. That discomfort is my gut instinct forewarning me to avoid them for my own well being and safety. I consider some questionable characters to be harmful, a bad influence and in a way, dangerous to engage with. Any time a person is a red flag, heed those alarm bells in your brain and learn to practice to stay away. Then it becomes a habit and any former love for them drifts away. You won't get hurt if you know how to control your life so it benefits you. Then obnoxiously rude and disrespectful people become an eventual blur due to "out of sight, out of mind" in your brain.

Resuming or rekindling relationship or friendship which went awry is often times either very difficult or impossible or so I've since learned the hard way. It's awkward, there's bitterness, resentment, distrust and try as you may, it won't work. I've found that it's best to go your separate ways permanently and start anew with your life. Any failed relationship or friendship wasn't meant to be. Accept it and move on.

Sure, you can ask if she wants to meet up as long as you're realistic that she's busier than you are because she's a mother of two daughters. (I'm a mother of two sons and I know how overwhelming motherhood responsibilities are.) Time is very limited. Then there are red flags with her ex and her kids. This dynamic with her will be challenging. Lower your expectations. Only time and your patience or lack thereof will determine whether or not this relationship with this woman will endure. Let circumstances guide you.

He has too much on his plate now with work and his Masters. He doesn't have brain space, time nor energy for you. Also, if he truly wanted you in his life, he would've somehow made the effort to keep you in his life yet he did not. He made excuses and he grew hot and cold. No one can keep up with a man who is unpredictable. Instead of trying to figure out why he let you go and expecting more clear explanations from him, just accept the fact that you were rejected by him even though it's painful to leave it at that. It doesn't matter "why" he decided to reject you. The fact is that he rejected you and this should be enough. I'm sorry. The wrong thing would be to go backwards and continue dredging up contact and correspondence with an ex. An ex is just that; an ex. He's now part of your past and should remain there. You can't move forward with your life as long as you revert to resuming communication with an ex who shouldn't matter to you anymore. Your ex was inconsistent with his behavior which doesn't make for a sound, stable, secure relationship. He's insecure and if he had to question being with you, he's not worth being with. He's unreliable and not a good anchor for you. This should be a red flag because any man who makes you feel unsteady is a waste of your time and energy. Don't bother. Don't drag out unnecessary drama. Move on.

You did the right thing by blocking him. This relationship with him was shallow, empty and going nowhere. In the future, take it very, very slow and don't rush otherwise you'll regret it again. Heed those red flag warnings and really get to know a man before you go too fast with him. Always observe character and make it your number one priority. Nothing else matters. Haste makes waste.

Become selfless. Think of her first before thinking of yourself. Practice keeping promises you make. Be good on your word and never go back on your word. A promise is a promise. Don't be manipulative otherwise your relationship will go downhill fast. Give her a break. Let her have time for herself while you take care of your daughter. During other times, while your daughter is napping or sleeping, enjoy a quiet meal together, put some candles on the table and make it special. Help with chores, tasks and errands without being asked. Be generous and selfless in that way. "Happy wife equals happy life." Even my neighbors have told me the same thing.

Then do something about it. It's time to go your separate ways permanently.

Do something special for her such as for her birthday, Valentine's Day and Christmas, for example. Or, it doesn't have to be an occasion, just do it. Cook a special dinner for her if you can do it or a take out meal. Or, go on a picnic together. Take walks, be a good conversationalist, a good listener and have empathy. Demonstrate and practice good manners, never interrupt when she's speaking, have compassion, speak wisely and carefully. Same with texting. Make it brief yet considerate. Be generous with your time and energy. Be selfless and she will take notice. My husband is the very helpful type and I don't have to ask each and every time. Jump right in and help with chores, tasks and errands. Don't wait until she has to ask for help. Just do it. Always lend a helping hand without her having to ask you. Be courteous always. Actions speak louder than words.

He doesn't get to dictate what your choices are. He doesn't have to accept your efforts to break up with him. That's his problem. The right way to handle this situation is to be gentle, respectful, well mannered yet firm. Since breaking up with him diplomatically is not working for you, then be more adamant. Text this: "We're incompatible. It's time to go our separate ways permanently. Please do not contact me. I wish you all the best. Your name." You don't have to offer excuses nor explanations since both of you have already done that in the past. He should honor your request by ceasing to contact you and if he's insistent and relentless, then ignore, ghost, block and delete him. He doesn't have to like it, however, eventually, he'll finally grudgingly accept your final decision. Time will allow both of you to move on.

Get to know him better which will take months. As time goes on, both of you can determine where this relationship is going, whether it was meant to endure or not. For now, remain patient. Let the relationship take its course.

I agree. Repetitive apologies are not believable. It makes you wonder when the next apology is coming and after a while, it's just hot air. It means nothing. To OP, don't fixate on what other people think of you. Stay true to yourself and as long as you know you're a good person deep within your bones, it's good enough. Friends who nit pick your semantics and / or everything you do wrong in their eyes are the type of friends who either need to be released or replaced. Don't complicate your life unnecessarily. Keep it simple and you'll feel secure and content.

You're not a terrible parent for having an only child! It's a great big world and only children learn to adapt whether it's close relationships with their cousins, extended family members (relatives and in-laws), friends, people in their community or striking up new friends between now and years to come. You are correct. Another thing to consider is your disdain for nausea, no one enjoys feeling nauseous and then there's the tremendous financial responsibility. Not everyone has the means. If you feel overwhelmed by the thought of pregnancy and bringing another child into the world, listen to your gut instincts and intuition because it's always correct for a reason. Having a second child is a very personal decision. My husband and I felt that we wanted two children and that's it. No more. We felt settled in our suburban house, content marriage and very stable life overall. My two sons are 4-1/2 years apart. I had nausea with both pregnancies. However, I never vomited so I felt fortunate. I felt queasy from onions, garlic, orange juice and tomatoes in particular. I didn't have a hearty appetite until my second trimester. Both pregnancies were healthy. Baby #1 weighed 7 pounds and baby #2 weighed 8 pounds. Son #1 had colic and I didn't think I'd survive it. Finally, at age 2 months, no more colic. Son #2 had no colic. Both sons are healthy. Fortunately, son #1 was always the doting big brother ever since we brought son #2 home from the hospital. They have their separate friends and whenever they're together, they are EXTREMELY close so it's been a tremendous blessing knowing they have each other. We are very fortunate. I've heard some stories where some siblings are closer in age and either fought a lot or they're not close. I'm lucky to say it wasn't the case for us. Child rearing is difficult, very busy, a financial strain and requires overwhelming sacrifice. If the outcome is successful, then yes, it's worth it. If the outcome is not idyllic, then I'm sure some parents and children are miserable. You and your husband have to do what is right for you both. If you're ambivalent, doubtful and have misgivings, then having a second child is something you need to discuss in depth with your husband. Don't rely on what other parents and families do. Do what's best for your health, finances, marriage, daughter and family situation.

A chronic apologizer tends to repeat same offenses endlessly. Therefore, there are no changes for self improvement and their apologies are insincere. I've also known several people who are very narcissistic, arrogant, prideful and egotistical. They'll never admit fault nor apologize in a million years. I've since disconnected those perpetrators whether electronically or in person. Good bye and good riddance! It's a waste of energy, resources and time to force bad relationships to work. I've since learned this harsh lesson the hard way.