Cherylyn

Was she texting a friend? Have you done the same? If it's nothing and both of you have texted friends, then don't make a big deal out of this. If both of you want to break up, then break up. If both of you wish to save your relationship, then both of you can try again. If your relationship with her is falling apart, then go your separate ways. Anytime there is continued fighting and distrust, relationships tend to continue failing.

Once trust is dead in all relationships (and friendships), there is nothing left. It's better to go your separate ways. Request NC (no contact), part ways respectfully, wish her all the best and move on. If she relentlessly contacts you and does not honor your request, then ignore, ghost, block and delete her permanently.

I agree or there are Zoom group settings during Covid.

Google "energy vampire." Your friends vacuums and drains you. Learn to enforce healthy boundaries, distance yourself politely yet firmly. Don't let her take advantage of your kind heart. Tell her to seek professional help (psychologist or therapist) and if she cuts you off, so be it. It's her loss and your gain so you can have peace and quiet.

1. No, you're not wrong. 2. No, you're not making a big deal. 3. No, it's not right for her to continue talking to him. 4. No, it's not right for her to defend the gym guy nor tell you that you shouldn't be bothered. 5. No, you're not being naive. No, she is not naive. She knows what she's doing. She's playing both sides of the fence, enjoys flirtations with the gym guy, enjoys the attention she receives from the gym guy while stringing you along. She's playing you for a fool. You shouldn't have to tell her to stop talking to him, telling her to tell him to stop sexually harassing her, telling her to tell him she doesn't like it and never do it again. She should have common sense. She should've also reported him to the gym manager. Everything is on surveillance camera or usually is. It's not uncommon to report sexual harassment at gyms yet she doesn't have common sense to take action and do the right thing. She should've told the gym guy to stop talking to her and to leave her alone OR she would report him to gym management or police. And, she went to his home to deliver food and cake for his birthday? You need to dump her. Your girlfriend is disrespecting you horribly and disrespecting her relationship with you. You can't control nor change your girlfriend. She will not change for you. You don't have to like it but you have to accept her personality and character as is. The only change comes from you. You need to break up with her if you want peace of mind. Let people behave however way they prefer as long as you're not involved with their unacceptable and intolerable characters. It's better to be alone than feel lonely with the wrong person or wrong people in your life. It was not all in vain. Live and learn. You've learned to become a better judge of character which is to your benefit. Only accept very high quality people in your life. Everyone else doesn't qualify nor deserves to be with you.

Yes you should give up on that __________. Why waste your time, energy and resources on a relationship going nowhere? It defies logic and it's senseless. She's UNSTABLE. Repeat that word in your brain. She's also very insecure, overwhelmed and very distracted as a young mother with child rearing responsibilities (I know because I'm a mother) and she's not of sound mind for a relationship. She nit picked about everything she was irritated by you to give herself excuses to break up with you. She was bored and on her way out to no fault of your own. She was already preparing her exit. You need to really move on after she rejected and dumped you. I'm sorry. Don't rekindle. It's over. That's what I think.

For the faith based, I found a tremendous amount of support at church which breaks up into smaller groups whether in church rooms or in a brethren home in a group setting. I was blessed with many friends who actually walked the talk and talked the talk. There's tons of moral support, sincere, genuine compassion, prayers and solace. It's amazing.

Are you faith based? For many people, they find solace at church. With this pandemic, people wear masks, social distance and have their work around for spaced group settings. Some prayer gatherings are in people's homes with protocols in place.

During the worst years of my life, my father suddenly died and left my mother as a young widow with young children to support. She worked full time as did I with my 40 hour per week night shift job and we were crazy busy. I despised my colleagues. Between full time enrollment in college by day and full time night shift employment, I really and truly didn't have any time, energy nor brain space for anyone else. I didn't even have the time nor luxury to indulgently weep after my father's death. Life moved on and there were survival expenses to pay. As a young girl, I was too preoccupied with putting food on the table. I had to grow up very fast. On weekends, I was beyond exhausted and even then there was no such thing as rest with household duties, siblings to tend to, errands, paying bills (before the Internet) and then the dreaded grind started all over again on Monday. I resumed my friendships once life had settled down, finances were in order, education was finished and my career was on the fast track. I had the time of my life. When I met and married my husband, , we both created a great life together and eventually raised a family. Life was grand, I had more time and brain space for socializing and picking up right where I left off. Yes, I was able to reconnect.

I agree with catfeeder. No one is forthcoming with admitting wrongdoing, no one will apologize nor give you what you want. Lower your expectations to nil. The less you expect, the less you'll hurt. Enforce boundaries.

I could tell you very bad stories about my relatives and in-laws which would curl your toes! 😒 Like you, I've been burned countless times. Live and learn. With all due respect, you are no longer naive. Insults, not getting paid for items, ingratitude, snide comments, insults, offensive remarks, disrespect, rudeness and all of it is "been there, done that" for me. I've heard and seen it all. ☹️ Forget about the payment for the cupcakes. You won't see the money paid to you. As for his obnoxious comments, he won't change for you. YOU are the one who has to change and change your dynamics with your brother and sister-in-law (SIL). I've learned this hard lesson long ago. And, his comment about how he should be honest and you're being overly sensitive as if you baked them. Ahhh, classic gaslighting. Gaslighting is deflecting, changing the subject, turning your complaint back to you as if you're insane and in the wrong and not him. Gaslighting is forcing you to change your perception of the facts. It's nothing I hadn't heard before! Never fall for that old trick and psychological warfare. People who gaslight lack emotional intelligence. (Google "emotional intelligence.") People who lack emotional intelligence, lack empathy. You can't cure nor fix them. They are who they are. You can't change them. Here's what you do: Dial it back. Don't be so nice or too nice. If there are any future birthday parties, attend as a guest, bring a gift just like any other guest but don't partake as part of the party planning committee. Stay out of it. It's your nephew's parents' show and they're responsible for the party, NOT you. Your heart was in the right place. However, your sincere intentions sorely backfired. It happens. Enforce strong, healthy boundaries. Don't try to get close anymore. From now on, maintain a cool, frosty, safe distance. This is what I do with some people who have a track record of being inappropriate and UNKIND. The secret is to STAY AWAY. Make yourself unavailable. Here's the deal: "I won't bother you and you will not bother me." Don't be helpful. You meant well and look at your disastrous results. Don't care and don't bother. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Also, "what goes around comes around." If people treat you badly, give them what they deserve which is your apathy and indifference. Change the way you think and you won't get hurt anymore. Get smarter and tougher. This is how you feel and be sure of it. Change your tack. Always outsmart and then you will build your self confidence, security and strength which you'll use to your advantage.

You get through it by accepting the fact that your relationship with them wasn't meant to be. Some people have wonderful family relationships whereas others don't. It's the way it is. Some people are luckier and more fortunate than others. You get through it by feeling tougher instead of weak and defeated. Change the way you think and you will become resilient. What helps me is knowing that enforced healthy boundaries is a way to have peace between all relationships. There is peace within your soul knowing you've eliminated unnecessary, extra stress and angst. Have a "Good Riddance!" mentality and you will feel relieved as opposed to feeling that you need them more than they need you. Once you become realistic, your pain diminishes over time. This has been my experience. Don't place so much importance on others. Prioritize yourself, take good care of your health, get distracted and focus on your interests. Create your own safety net. It's all about respect. Whenever anyone doesn't treat you with respect, they don't deserve your time, attention, energy, labor and resources. You need to take good care of yourself including your mental health. It's better to be alone and peaceful than feeling lonely with wrong people in your life. Just because they're family, it doesn't mean you don't have the right to judge them harshly. Judging harshly is a reminder to yourself regarding how others either treat you with fairness or perpetrators are eliminated from your life. Or, your enforced boundaries grow even stronger.

You're NOT a failure. Pick yourself up, study harder, be better prepared and you will pass. Never give up. You are NOT a dummy. There is nothing wrong with you! You can do this!

You get over it by having compassion, forgiveness and including him and his family in your daily or nightly prayers. You get over it by removing yourself from his equation and realizing that he has overwhelming and insurmountable problems which causes him to have absolutely zero brain space for you. You get over it by knowing that whenever people's lives are filled with tumult and angst, the best thing you can do is give them all the time and space they need even if it's permanent. Even though my story is different than your ex's, there was a period when my father died when I was a teenager. I had to go to work to financially support my widowed mother and younger siblings, despised my full time night shift job, despised my co-workers, was on a full time daytime college schedule and I truly didn't have any time nor energy to devote to others. I had a priority shift and unfortunately, I put many friendships on pause for several years. Forget a relationship. Food on the table and a roof over my family's heads came first and foremost! I look back on that era as the worst time of my life. Granted, I eventually recovered, however, I gave myself valid excuses for putting bread 'n butter above all else. Relief didn't arrive until years later. (I eventually married, have two amazing sons and a stable life in the suburbs.) I've noticed that usually, the happiest, smoothest relationships tend to have the least problems. Economics and health are sound, personalities and characters are compatible, values are on the same page and everyone desires light to non-existent troubles or so I've noticed. Whenever there is upheaval of any sort, relationships are the first to deteriorate rapidly. It's universal. Change the way you think and this will all make sense to you. When you become analytical and perceptive, you won't take his desertion as a personal affront. It's not about you. It's him. He's drowning in stress and his personal problems.

I agree with others. Break up now; sooner the better. You want kids someday and she says no as in NEVER. Both of you are obviously incompatible. Break up on good terms so she won't endure another heartache again as she says. Do it so you can move on and have a family someday.

Once a liar, always a liar. Beware. NEVER trust a liar. All relationships are doomed for failure whenever there is a liar. Since you're about to become a father, you are financially responsible for your child's well being until he or she reaches adulthood. Remain respectful toward the mother of your child, be a great father and responsible for life. Do what you have to do and do the right thing.

I agree with Batya33. Don't take her aloof behavior personally. I agree with others regarding the 30 year age difference. With all due respect, you're more in a "parent" type generation than someone within her age bracket. There is a generation gap. Don't take issue regarding her blocking you from her friends list. Many people prefer their privacy. I know I do. A lot of people don't like others prying into their private life such as their friends, their names, inquisitive snoopy type behavior and the like. Whenever people try to distance themselves from others, they're cool, engage in infrequent correspondence, blunt, abrupt and often times perceived as rude. There's nothing you can do. You can't force the relationship into your favor. Simply back off and follow her cue. She'll come around or your relationship had already run its course and she's drifting apart from you. That's life and it happens. She has a boyfriend. Many times, a boyfriend takes priority with her focus. Go your own way. Don't be consumed nor obsessed about her and why she acted the way she did. Accept her stance and concentrate on your own life. It's happened to me in the past and you just have to move on.

Don't compare yourself with others. Live your own life. Everyone lives their life at their own pace and on their own time. Be your own person, get busy doing what you enjoy whether it's concentrating on maintaining your health, sports, hobbies, church if you're faith based, intellectual pursuits, spending time with friends and family, etc. Build your self confidence so you will feel secure within your own skin. You have to start somewhere.

Can someone please tell me how can I meet new people (for dating)? Other than dating apps, because I tried tinder and decided to take a break from it. I would try to meeting guys based upon the activities, intellectual pursuits, hobbies, sports, church or MeetUps in your community and start there. Or, ask friends if they know any eligible bachelors as they've done their homework for you. If you're interested in a guy, suggest something casual such as meeting for coffee, a walk, then eventually graduate to meeting for lunch. Or, start out in social group settings and observe his personality and character first because it's more cautious as opposed to diving into 1:1 meetings. Be prepared for rejection because it's part of life. It hurts. However, know that not every man will reject you and if they do, don't take it personally even though it's easy to do. Some men aren't interested in you nor anyone else at the moment. You don't know if they have a special someone in their life already or they could be too busy or have their personal reasons which they will not explain. Most of all, I've found that whether male or female, most people are attracted to very independent types who are very busy with their careers, getting ahead in life, taking good care of their health and successful in their own right. These types of "winners" don't have to try so hard to attract others; it's automatic because nothing is more attractive than security and self-confidence (not to be confused with cocky). Once others discover that you have goals for your life and actually achieve them, it's like bees to honey. I was a wallflower back in the day. I never had a boyfriend throughout school. Never. I never went to any dances, formals and no one ever looked my way. I was beginning to think there was something really wrong with me! I lost hope so I said, "Forget it! I'll concentrate on my own life and get busy!" I basically gave up on men at that point. Therefore, I immersed myself into ascending in my career, prospering and before I knew it, I suddenly was thrust into social circles with others on the fast track just as I was. I garnered a lot of attention without any effort on my part whatsoever. I had the time of my life. 😋 I eventually met my husband, we have two amazing sons, the white picket fence in the suburbs and a very established, settled, stable life. Everything fell into place because I wasn't searching. People gravitated towards me; not the other way around. Funny how that worked. It was actually my mother's advice. "Birds of a feather flock together." Success automatically attracts success.

Start out slow and get to know her. Meet for lunch, pay your own way and start out as casual acquaintances. Then meet for coffee, lunch or dinner, however, again, keep it as friends. Both of you don't know each other so be gradual when you get to know someone. Over time, you both will observe each others personalities and characters. Also, don't be overly enthusiastic and overzealous otherwise you'll be perceived as creepy and strange. Don't give off a weird vibe. Your impression counts and make sure she observes your character so be on your best behavior always. Exercise discretion. Don't bombard her by texting constantly. Give people breathing room, lots of time and space. If you hound her, she will feel bothered and back off. Behave with decorum, be a classy gentleman and see where this type of honorable behavior will take you. Don't rush and don't be in a hurry. Haste makes waste.

You did the right thing by blocking and deleting her from your life. You do not need toxic and abusive people in your life. Anytime a person is toxic and abusive, they're not your friend. They're merely using you. You are nobody to them. This is how cruel some people are. It's good that she removed you from her LinkedIn. It's better to sever all ties. It's healthier for both of you to permanently go your separate ways. Parting ways is a form of permanent peace. I agree about your disdain for people ignoring you in public after you've helped them or even if they know you. It's happened to me in the past and it's part of life. They've demonstrated their real character which is disgusting. You did the right thing by not being confrontational. It's better to release certain people from your life than confront them. Confrontations are very intense, stressful fights and it's not worth the aggravation and feeling worse tomorrow. It's better to stay away from people who don't behave honorably. My mother taught me to always stay away from people who don't treat you with respect, dignity and stay away from people who don't bring you joy. Don't care about her bad mouthing you behind your back to mutual friends. Whenever anyone bad mouths anyone, it's alarming because suddenly I question, "What are they bad mouthing about me?" I don't trust those who bad mouth others within mutual social circles. Your friends know who you are and know you're a decent human being. They've forewarned you about her not being a good person. I'm glad you eventually heeded their warning. The best thing you did was to get rid of her from your life. Good riddance! It's a relief. Life's experiences taught me to become very wary and jaded which is to my benefit because my guard is up and hopefully yours is, too, RuedeRivoli. In the future, beware of those who exhibit unnatural, overzealous behavior regarding interest in you. Those types of individuals have an agenda in mind, tend to use you and discard you when you no longer benefit them. Or, if they no longer need to use you, they'll discard you like garbage. This very harsh lesson happened to me. Normal people don't act off, strange and weird. Normal people know how to behave with their interpersonal skills. Normal people are empathetic and possess decorum. Normal people are moral, conscientious and extremely secure. Stay away from everyone else otherwise you'll end up getting hurt, offended, you will become infuriated and it won't end well. You'll be busy trying to eliminate toxic, dysfunctional people from your life. It's to your benefit to become a harsh and better judge of character. Live and learn. I was once you. All was not in vain. Bad experiences cause you to mature, become more intelligent and gain wisdom.

Try joining organizations or clubs at your uni. I agree with Batya33. You have to put yourself out there and be pro-active as they say. Join a church if you're faith based, charitable events which will have empathetic types, sports groups if you're athletic, intellectual gatherings, hobby groups, special interest groups, etc. Your options are limitless if you're willing to be creative and branch out. People won't come to you. You have to go to them even during covid. Where there is a will, there is a way. My college niece met a great young man through mutual friends and their various organizations which they belong to. I met him last month and he definitely has my approval! He's a catch! He's currently enrolled in a grad program at a different uni and as soon as both of them graduate, he'll propose and they'll get married. My niece and this fine young man eventually want to raise a family sometime in the future. She snatched him up. If she can do it, so can you. All is not lost!

Even though what you've said to her was very good, if you don't wish to be bothered by her anymore, give her a final message should she reach out to you again. Text her this: "I wish you all the best and please respect my wishes by not contacting me anymore. Thank you, Your Name." You do not owe her an explanation nor sympathy whatsoever. She's a grown woman so let her take care of herself. You are under no obligation to her nor are you responsible for her well being. She is responsible for her own mental state and life. You need to dissolve and exit this toxic friendship and make it final. Or, since she refuses to take a hint by your distancing yourself from her, practice ignoring her, then ghost, block and delete her. There are times when you need to take Draconian steps in order to attain your peace of mind. Whenever you sympathize people, they'll pounce on you and take advantage of your soft heart. Unfortunately, kindness is sometimes perceived as being weak, vulnerable and easy targets for some predators. In order to protect yourself in this world, you have to be cool in order to mentally survive. I was once you. Before you know it, you'll be in "doormat" mode again if you don't learn to develop a backbone and toughen up. Often times, it's to your advantage to judge harshly in order to protect yourself. This is how the world is. You have to learn to dodge a lot of bullets and ELIMINATE intolerable and unacceptable energy vampires from your life.

Thank you for your kind words, RuedeRivoli. Beware of energy vampires indeed. Remember, energy vampires exist as long as you allow them to have a grip on your life. I agree, they suck you into their endless drama and their constant "woe is me" mentality. (Same with other serious mental disorders such as narcissists, sociopaths, manipulators and other unstable types.) Whenever you're available, people will always take advantage of your softness and kind heart. Unfortunately, it's the way of the world. Over time, your radar will be up, you will become quickly alarmed from any unusual behavior, experience will teach you harsh lessons and you'll develop street smarts. Live and learn the hard way which is the best way. Never let your guard down. Always protect yourself. Better safe than sorry. Thank you for clarifying that you no longer work together anymore. Thank goodness. If she ends up joining your place of employment, remain professional, respectful, polite, well mannered yet maintain a deliberate, safe distance. Yes, those are your new enforced healthy boundaries. Of course, people are on their best behavior in public. Then when you get to know them better, you discover their real personality and character. Suddenly you'll look at them with great disdain. Your observation is typical. The problem is you have to stop being compassionate to those who take advantage of your very nice disposition. People take advantage of your niceness. You will change to be on your guard if you don't want to attract those who can find an easy, vulnerable target. I was once you. I'm compassionate towards others and include them in my prayers. However, I have my limits and I let others know this. If you don't learn to say, "NO" (or politely decline), then as long as you're available to them, they will never release you from their sick grip. They're like a spider and you're caught in their web. These types of people impose and become your stress filled burden. When you release them from your life, suddenly you're unloading dead weight, feel less stressed, relieved, feel freedom and you'll be at peace. Some people seek you or others out as therapists because it's cheaper and more convenient. Never be used as their free psychologist. I'm sorry about what you had endured with a mentally unstable parent. You will become resilient, stronger and tougher as you cut off toxic people from your life. Don't feel guilty for cutting certain people off. Either people behave properly or they're cut off. This is what I do with them. If they're in my midst such as in my case, certain relatives and in-laws, I enforce extremely strong boundaries with them. I don't allow others to disrespect me anymore because I deliberately do not make myself vulnerable to them. I'm no longer their easy target and I make myself unavailable. I stay faraway from troublemakers. I don't engage. I too have encountered those who've ignored me if I didn't play their dumb mind games, didn't acquiesce and didn't play dumb. If I was ever owed an apology, it's NEVER forthcoming. They have no moral conscience, no guilt, remorse nor human decency. Forget it. If this is the case, I've lost my former innocent desire to enthusiastically keep the relationship afloat. Sure, I'm polite and respectful. However, I maintain a very cool distance. It works for me. The way you cut people off and the way your parent cuts you or others off is different. Your parent was unreasonable whereas you cut people off because some people chronically and habitually disrespected you. There is a difference. Don't mix the two because they're not the same reasons. You're right, both situations are completely unrelated. Cutting people off is often times a form of survival. If you don't cut certain people off, you'll drown in misery and unnecessary angst. You need to save your sanity which impacts your health negatively. Eliminating certain people from your life is actually a very healthy mindset because you no longer tolerate their _ _ _ _ . Yes, I agree, we hold family and friends to a higher standard. Unfortunately, some people have terrible defects or "foibles" as my MIL (mother-in-law) prefers to call bad people. She's more old school in accepting people as they are whereas I'm more contemporary and realistic by enforcing very strong boundaries with disrespectful people or I cut them out of my life, if possible. There are no ands, ifs or buts about this. I'm steadfast, unwavering and absolute. Behave properly and I'll knock myself out for you. Misbehave and I'm gone. Sounds very good regarding taking better care of yourself. After you politely text her: "It's time to go our separate ways, I wish you all the best and request NC (no contact). Sign off with Thank you, Your Name." If she's relentless with resuming contact despite your well mannered and respectful request, then ignore, block and delete her. Over time, she will be out of sight, out of mind. If you cross paths publicly, act natural or if you prefer, you can ignore since she did the same to you when she was with her boyfriend. Follow her cue and ignore. Don't expend energy to be nice when others are unkind to you. Go your own way. I too absorb other people's problems. You will realize that you are not responsible for other people's problems and their life. You have a life, you're very busy and grown adults are responsible for themselves. They don't have the right to bother you and impose. Don't ever give others permission to abuse your good heart. As long as you keep busy with bettering yourself, you will attract those who are attracted to your positive, industrious energy. Normal friendships always have a healthy set of enforced boundaries. Normal people know how to treat others with respect, common courtesy and common decency. It's ingrained into them and they wouldn't accept anything else. Normal people adhere to "The Golden Rule:" "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." It's common sense. Some people don't have common sense. Be with those who practice common sense and you will be fine.

Your "work friend" is an energy vampire. She vacuums the life out of you and drains you dry. Google "energy vampire." Energy vampires dump on you constantly, couldn't care less about how you feel or your life. It's all about them and they cling to you like a bad rash. Then in public, they pretend they don't know you or treat you as if you don't matter much. It's nothing I hadn't experienced before. I would send her a final text if she bothers you relentlessly: "We're incompatible. I will treat you professionally at the workplace only. It is time to go our separate ways and I wish you all the best. Please do not contact me and respect my wishes. Thank you. Sign your name." It's a respectful yet firm finality. Follow through by treating her professionally at the workplace; no more no less. You're not a toxic person. It's actually good to cut people off whom you can't relate to. There is a way to do this diplomatically. There is nothing wrong with having your own set of high standards such as rules of treating each other with respect. Don't be baffled. You will have various people waft in and out of your lifetime. You weed out the bad apples by winning some new friends and dropping bad friends from your life. It's perfectly fine to say you don't want to be a doormat because it's a reflection of your common sense strength and toughness. Never be taken advantage of just because you're a nice person. Been there done that. It's also very fine to be harsh and absolute while going this route respectfully. I do it all the time. Maintain a frosty yet polite, safe distance from people who are not good for you, unrewarding and disrespectful. Or, if you've had a negative history with them. It's perfectly natural to become wary, jaded and distrustful of those who don't treat you with consistent, habitual respect. Always enforce healthy boundaries with others. Only associate with mentally stable people. Mentally ill people are to be dealt with at your own risk. Often times, you lose and regret getting entangled with people who have serious mental disorders for which there is no cure. (It runs the gamut: gaslighters, manipulators, narcissists, sociopaths, etc etc) The best thing to do is to stay away! Far away! This was my mother's advice to me long ago. It works. Protect yourself because no one else has your back except yourself. You will attract good friends in your life even if it takes a while. Patience is key. Psychologically sound and empathetic people attract alike minds. In the meantime, learn to be secure within your own skin, focus on your health, interests, hobbies, sports, etc and you will attract those who share your similar lifestyle and mindset. During your quiet moments, it's better to be alone than lonely with wrong people in your life. If you're faith based, there are a lot of people at church whom you may have in common with. Or, other organizations and groups which branch out into blossoming friendships. You have to start somewhere.