saku

i have alot of things that i want to get out of me but i don't know if it will sound right. i haven't posted here in awhile only becuase i hate having problems all the time. but i'm going to try to sayi this and i hope someone here can understand. the one thing i have had to deal with in life is who i am. emotionally is one thing but i mean physically. i don't have much time, but how is it that some people are ugly but others aren't? to be called ugly by someone is one thing, but to be called ugly by many over the years is even worse. some people believe God created us in his own image but why would he do this. i try really hard to be accepted. i'm sorry but i must go now. i hope someone understood all th8is.

the last time i posted i wrote how i like this girl at my college. she's the leader of this bible study thing that i go to there. i think she's a year or two older than me but the thing is, i went to her office todat. i hadn't seen her in two weeks cause she went out of town. and all i wanted to do was ask her when the car wash we were having was gonna take place on campus. we started talking about different things. when i thought about asking her out for coffee or soemthing like a few people suggested on this site. i started by asking her if she ever wanted to say something but she wasn't sure how. after she said yeah she's felt that way, i froze up and lied saying i forgot what i wanted to say. after i left her office, i felt so embarrassed because i didn't want to make the wrong impression. next week me, her, and some other people from the bible study rhing are going to charleston south carolina and i really want make alot of good impressions. she's a really nice person and doesn;t seem like she would be mean to me if i told her how i kinda feel. when i wrote my secret admirer letter to her a few months ago, i said in it that my feelings wern't based on deep love or lust so i hope it sounded good hearted to her. anyway i guess that's it. sorry if this didn't make any sense. bye for now

i'm gonna try to make this as short as possible but there's this girl who is the leader of this bible study thing at my college. she is really nice and all and over the past few semesters i've developed a crush on her. for valentine's, i gave her a card and poem and left it by her office signed under secret admirer. i don't have deep feelings for her, but i'd like to try to tell her how i sorta feel. next week the bible study group is going to charleston SC for spring break. i'm a little nervous about going becuase i have a hard time fitting in but i guess the bible study poeple have been nice to me and all, i mean, they give me a chance which is more than most poeple have. is there any way of telling her how i feel without being too blunt and forword? there's more i want to ask about this but i have to go now. sorry if this sounds dumb. bye for now.

i haven't posted in awhile but i'm gonna say this first before i say what's wrong. (actually this is also part of the problem) i do alot to help myself. i go to college and i try to work. basically i am trying really hard to have a purpose in my life. but you know what/ it's all in vain. nobody cares about me and i say this because it's true. when i see other guys my age, they get accepted. some of them are duece bags but they get acceptance no less. i try to be sincere and considerate but that means nothing to people. i am so sick and tired of getting hurt all the time while i watch jerks and thugs get all the good stuff in life. but as much as i'm sick of my life, the one thing i'm sick of more than anything is people giving me vague advice and solutions as if they know how the hell i feel. first off, i appreciate a person's help, but everyone from my family to my therapist cannot seem to get what i'm saying. all they tell me to do is "just change" or "just do it" and honestly i think that's a load of pure crap. it would be different if i wasn't trying to "change" or "just do it" but i am and have been for along time. the problem is is that evrything i do is in vain. i was brought up to believe in God and right now in my life, i am very angry at God. i don't expect him to give me a perfect life, but i was led to believe he's there for people when they're hurting and he basically helps them especially if they're putting forth the effort like i AM. but he doesn't care either. what no one realizes is just because they might not have a hard time dealing with the problems i have doesn't mean they're easy to get through. they think i choose to be lonely or i like to be called names. well that's not true. i would trade all the money in the world to find love and happiness but since i'm not God or don't posses powers, there's only so much i can do. i know i'm rambling right now and i'm typing too much and i'm sorry. it's just that i'm really upset and tired of living in vain. some people don't do anyhitng with their lives, but i try to do as much as possible. sometimes i have a hard time being social and all but i still try to make an effort. i don't understand why nothing good happens to me. i'm just sick of living period. i'm sorry if all this sounds stupid but i hope at least one person can understand what i'm trying to say bye for now

i've posted alot of times now and the thing is while i appreciate the advice i get from people, alot of times i feel so alone in this world. i'm 22 now, i don't have a gf and i never have really. to make things worst, i feel so akward around people. sometimes i stumble over my words and i feel so retarded in front of others. i posted awhile back about a girl i liked, but i haven't talked to her since november and i'm not sure what i want to say to her. i really liked her but it was in vain. i wrote a story for her cause writing is sorta a talent of mine and while she said she liked it honestly...i don't know if that's true anymore. i want to te;ll her how she's hurt me but i'm not about to have my words and heart crapped on again by her or anyone else. love happens to everyone it seems but me. and it's not like i don't try or nothing no one cares and that hurts. it hurts even more when i see girls falling for duece bags who take love for granted. with this last girl i like people say just to move on and to that i feel luike this: everyday i get up go to school, go through the day (usually depressed as hell but no less i go through with it) get home and go to sleep and wake up to do it all again....i think i am moving on. if i wasn't moving on, i think i would have already killed myself. but as an individual, i can't feel a certain way just cause someone else can easily "get over it". some days i don't want to live cause it hurts to know i may be alone in this. i can't go to the mall or movies because i see the majority of people around me holding hands with their gf or bf. i can't even stand to hear someoen talk about their boyfriend or girlfriend without feeling embarrassed and frustrated about my own lack of a girlfriend. look i know i've said alot and i tried not to make this sound stupid. it's just that i can't really talk to my family and i don't have anyone my own age that can really relate since everyone my age has a gf or bf. so that's why i come here and write all this. that's all i guess. bye for now. also, i don't expect God to do evryhting for me, but i wish he would send a miracle in my life like i've heard others say they've gotten. i don't have a whole lot of faith, but i try to believe and i wish he cared about me. sorry if this was too long and dumb.

i'm tired of people not understanding my problems. i can't talk to anyone in my family because they make little of my problems. my mother is a hypocrite and doesn't want me to do the things i want to do in life...not like i do much anyway. but i'm tired of that and the fact that no matter what, life is really pissing me off now. i'm 21 almost 22 and i haven't found love yet but i get the ''privilage" of watching other deuce bags get girlfriends only to take it for granted. no body cares about me and i hate that. school is frustrating and i think of dying often but am a bit hesitant on going through with suicide. so what can i do? live and deal with this crap life? well the way i see it i already have hence why i'm still alive. what are you supposed to do when you're doing as much as you already can. i can't control the universe so it's not like i ask to have a worthless life. i just want a purpose like everyone else. sorry if this sounds stupid.

i've been posting here for almost a year now mainly about a girl i like. when i first got my chance to talk to her i was very grateful for the chance because not many people give me the chance in getting to know me and vice versa...but lately, she's been really insensitive to me. i try to look friendly and all, but it doesn't matter. basically i don't have the time to go through how she's hurt me, but i know this: she's only doing this to me. i try to be a considerate and sincere person but those things don't matter to her. in fact, this isn't the first time i've been unnappreciated. alot of people don't care how they treat me. the girl i liked b4 this one was just the same. she would put me on hold for a long time when i called and wouldn't treat me the same like everyone else cause i was '' different'' as she said. in different i wasn't the thug bad boy type she and i guess alot of other girls are used to. i like to write poems and i guess i'm a little humble than most guys. but it's not just being hurt, it's also school and my family. i want to major in theatre but i'm not sure if i'm going the right way in this. i mean i don't want to do soemthing else, i really want to show people i have talent, i'm just afraid it may be too late. and my family...i guess thay care, but they don't understand what i want. they want me to only focus on school and nothing else. my mother has a fit if i play video games in my spare time worse...she gets on me about buying magazines. i don't go to parties because i have a hard time fitting in and i don't have alot of other things to look forward to in my life so when i can't do something simple like read a magazine then i know something is wrong with my life. and also since people don't care about me yet are nice o others (some who are jerks) then i also know something is wrong with me. so after this semester ends, i'm leaving this crap place south carolina. i'll only have around $500 or maybe a little more and i know i won't be finding a place of luxury to live but i am trying to find some place i can go at least for a while. i'm 21 and i know this isn't a age considered to be a runaway, but i still don't know everything in the world just cause i'm an adult. i've written alot so i'm sorry if all this is confusing. no one's making me leave, but i'm tired of living here and getting hurt. i mean i know it won't be any easier out on my own, but i may not have to worry about getting close to anyone anymore so i won't get hurt like i am now. can anyone offer any places to go? i wanted to go out west or maybe new york. bye for now

when i say pain i mean emotionally. people say we control how we feel and that's probably true and all, but will say this. some people can lift 300 lbs and others can barely lift 30. i don't know....maybe 5 or ten years from now, i'll look back and see how easy my problems were (maybe) but for now, the hurt is too overwhelming. i'm having a hartd time academically at school and i'm not sure if i want to go back next semester. not only that the girl i've been talking to since april...i've already mentioned she has someone (i guess they're still together) but i haven't talked to her in a few weeks now. i've been having a hard time wanting to talk to her. i want to call her tonight, but i have had bad experinces talking to girls on the phone in the past and i really don't feel like going through this anymore. some one told me to just face my fear and i want to but i'm so tired right now. if things keep getting worse, i'm going to leave live the rest of my life alone. it's not something i want to do, but i don't see any other way. with the holidays coming up, it's only gonna make things harder. i just want to let this girl know i've been wanting to talk to her and that i'm also thinking of leaving...i just don't know how. i'm afraid she'll spit on my words. can anyone relate or have an idea of how i should go through this? bye for now

i've posted before so i'm sorry. but the thing is, my life is really frrustrating right now. it's not just the fact i'm lonely, it's also how it feels like i have no purpose whatso ever. i'm going to college but the last couple of semesters i've been struggling and i'm not sure if i'll ever suceed. to make matters worse, i have a hard time going out in public sometimes. i mean i feel so inferior to all the other people especially guys i see because they have girlfriends and look like they have a reason to live. i like to write poems and stories...it's the one thing i like abouot myself and yet most times when i write soemthing from my heart to someone, they don't care at all. so i'm both hjealous and mad at the other guys i see doing better than me because a majority of them are jerkfaces who are inconsiderate but good things just keep happening to them. the thing is, i have no real support in my life, i want to believe my family cares but they really don't understand what i'm going through. and i have a therapist, but despite the efforts i've put in trying to break out of this sadness, she thinks i haven't made any progress. i know i haven't made progress to the point where i feel better about myself, but i know i've learned to open up more to people and i think that should mean something. but since i have no one to really go to, i think of leaving where i'm at now and just find a place where there aren't alot of people. i don't really want to do it and even though i'm not going to feel any better once i live in the middle of nowhere, at least there's a chance i won't have to see alot of poeple doing better than me...maybe my biggest fear in life is that one day i'd only have one of those weird cults to turn to like that jim jones thing. and just like all those people, i'll be in somekind of mass suicide and like most of those people, i'll die unknown and forgotten. if i don't end up leaving, i want to not give up on school. i want to one day live in new york and hopefully one day find love soon. i don't know if anyone reading this will understand, i hope at least one person does. sorry it was so long and sorry if it didn't make much sense. but like everything i've written so before, this is also from my heart. bye for now

i've posted before and i'm sorry i'm posting again. but for me, life is really becoming too much. i am extrmely angry at the fact that if their is a God he doesn't care at all about me. and i know he cares about other people because he helps all the stupid thugs and ganstas all the freakin time. i try to be a good person, but now i'm just tired of trying anything. and it's not just God that doesn't care, my family could care less about my feelings. they thinkg all my problems are nothing. how would you like it if something really bothered you and everyone just blew it off? because i think it's stupid. today i got up and i didn't want to. i wished God would've ended my life in my sleep or maybe a big truck hit me on the way to school. i'm in love and that hurts too cause the girl i like has a stupid bf already. for me it was a big step to go up to her cause i'm not like all these other guys who are apparently better than me. and yes i do blame God cause as all those gospel songs i hear, he's in control and he doesn't give up on people....well he gave up on me. i feel like a horse and God is always dangling a carrot or something in front of me. close enough for me to smell it but never able to really have it. if someone reads this please understand, i've truly tried to make things right in my worthless life so that's why i blame God. i mean, i'm not blaming people, and i think God can be blamed cause i didn't ask to be born. i didn't ask to be without a purpose and i didn't ask to always be punished all the time. like i said he doesn't punish the thugs and bad people who do wrong on purpose, so why the hell does he punish someone who tries to be considerate of others. i don't think i'm a saint, but i don't want to think i'm a horrible person either. i just wish things would get better. but if they don't i'm gonna just give up before it gets even worse. to anyone who took the time to read this thank you and i'm sorry if it sounds stupid. but it's how i honestly feel

sorry, i know i've posted many times already but there aren't many places to go where people feel like i do. as i've posted, i like this girl who has a stupid butthole boyfriend already. AND i know i'm not supposed to like her but i do and i'm not gonna "just stop" for some other guy's benfit. i mean, he doesn't have to stop liking her so.... anyway today i decided to go to school even though i didn't feel like dealing with any disappointments or frustrations that would come my way. i wrote a poem for the girl i like and i waited for her to show up at school. i was scared and frustrated at the same time. when she came around, i didn't think she would want to talk to me. i called her name and she stopped. i felt so stupid and annoying. i asked her if she had any free time between classes but she said she usually studies around that time. she told me where she is usually at (i don't know if that means that she does want to keep talking to me despite her jerkface boyfriend but...) but as we were walking, she went up to this guy and tapped him on the back. i don't know if it was her boyfriend, but i felt embarrased. she didn't do that to me when she walked by, but the guy looked like he was better than me. anyway i gave her the poem and left. i was glad i got to see her, but was frustrated that i didn't make a good impression. i mean so many people around me has someone in their life. even jerkface guys who don't deserve love. it's all too depressing and it makes me sick. i try really hard to make good impressions but it's all in vain. last week, i thought of how i would take my life for the first time in years. it's not just because of the lonliness in my life, it's because of how nothing seems to go right no matter what i do. i could've and probably should've stayed in bed but i but forth the effort to go to school today and all i asked from God was to just be there and help me get through all this. and he didn't. the way i see it, he helps really bad people in the world like thugs and abusers, but not someone who really tries. i mean i'm not a saint or nothing, but i don't want to think i'm somekind of bad person either. i know i've written alot and i'm sorry. soon, i may be leaving. i'm thinking if things keep getting worse, i'm gonna leave mainstream society and live out in the middle of nowhere. i mean i won't be any happier or nothing, but at least i won't have see what everyone else has that i don't. if anyone took the time to read this thank you. so bye for now i guess

my life is filled with nothing but sadness. my feelings for love are no different. i like this girl who has a boyfriend. and before anyone gets on my case how i shouldn't like her because of that all i have to say is BACK OFF!! i'm not somekind of lightswitch so don't treat me like i am. if i sound bitter and somewhat angry it's because i am. aside from the fact that i like her, i hate my life. it's full of disappointment and lonliness. and don't assume i don't try to find happiness cause i do...it's just all in vain. look, i just want to get to know her and vice versa. it sucks enough that she has someone, but i at least want to do that. i'm so socially pathetic though and talking is a pain for me. in the mean time, i write notes and poems cause it's the best way to express my feelings. that's all i guess...i'm just really sad and frustrated. i wish a miracle would happen in my life. i really do alot of things from me heart, and i wish it would come back around to me. not in money, not in fame...i want it in love[/code]

when i post, someone usually says something like "it's up to you" or soemthing like that. and you know they're probably right. but what do you do if you are doing everything like say...not trying to kill yourself and it doesn't matter? then what? let me say this: God made me by accident. and for that, i hate him. i didn't ask to be bornnor did i ask for such a worthless life at that. see...i did my part this morning. i got up, walked 2 miles to school and i tried to talk to the girl that i like. let me just explain as someone with no reason to live, i have a hard time opening up to people in person or over the phone. this girl i've been talking to since april has a boyfriend. yeah i know..."you shouldn't try go after her" well you know what...it's too late to just turn off my feelings like i'm soemkind of robot! once again, all i asked from God was to make this go right. not please make her my wife or please make her fall madly in love with me...just help me get through my worry and pain of past heartache. but did he care? or course not. that's cause he was busy helping out other people like jerks who pick on other kids in school but all the good things happen to them. or those thugs like tupac who everyone treats like he was jesus, which for all i know he probably was. he doesn't have time for a piece of crap like me. but once again i didn't ask to be born, so it's his mess not mine. i try REALLY hard everyday so it's not like i'm complaining for nothing. it's not just the girl, it's me as a human in this world of billions. if i died no one will care and that really hurts. i cried today because i'm slowly realizing this may be the end. and if i don't kill myself, i'm gonna get far away from mainstream society since i don't belong anywhere around it. yet even though i hate God for never being there when i truly need him, i can't stop believing in him. i want to because he doesn't care, but i can't. i'm scared and hopeless... and by the way, i'm talking to a therapists and i take meds, so that's not the problem. the problem is no matter what i do, it's all in vain. and in two weeks, it may all come to an end. to those who can understand (all two of you probably) thanks... but to those who think this is soemkind of joke or my problems are no big deal...then you've proven my point.

i've posted before but my problems are only growing. i know this isn't a quick fix place, but it's one of the few places i feel like i can at least go to with all this. i really like someone, a girl but of course, she has a boyfriend. i've gotten to know her since april and i really don't feel like just walking away. i mean i'm not trying to steal her away, and i'm not just trying to be friends either...i just want to get to know her and make the most out of each time we talk. but my life is so worthless and i sometimes think of running away or even suicide(sometimes) all around me i see people like pretty girls and they are always with guys who are better than me. over the weekend i went to atlanta for a college fair with a group of people from my school. i only went to try to be more open and all but...it didn't really go so well. walking in the crowds, i would feel so nervous and inferior to everyone around me. then when we went to a football game, i felt so miserable, i felt hardly any emotions but sadness. it was beacause i felt so alone...at least, emotionally. i tried not to show the others how i felt but i don't think they cared anyway. if i do run away, i'm going out in the middle of nowhere. i mean, i won't feel happy, but at least i'll be away from everyone who does have a reason to live. but still...i don't want to give up, but it feels like my life is all for nothing. also...God, who's supposed to help all kinds of people forgets about me too. my prayers are never answered and yes, i know all prayers aren't always going to be answered, but mine are NEVER answered. it hurts, and at 21, i feel like this is all my life is ever gonna be. i can't stand this lonliness anymore. i'm really trying to make things better...but it's all in vain. bye for now.

i've posted a few times alreadyso i'm sorry if this seems old to some of you. at 21, i feel like my life is completely over. i've never been in a real relationship and i don't do most of the things people my age do. i'm losing faith in God, i mean, i believe in him, i just don't believe he cares about me. evertime i see other guys in public i envy them because they're always with a pretty girl. i feel like somekind of walking freak or monster when i see other people better than me. and to top it off, i like this girl. i've been talking to her since april...but she has a boyfriend. i just want to get to know her at least...that's all. since i'm not like most guys i write poems to her and usually i have to write out what i want to say because i have such a hard time when i try to talk. i've thought about if things got worse, i'd leave where i'm at and go live out in the middle of nowhere. i mean i wouldn't be happy, but at least i wouldn't have to be around others who are. but i don't want to get to that point. i'm trying really hard to make things better but it feels like it's all in vain. and for someone who thinks about dying and regretting life, that it only makes things worse when nothing ever goes right. i'm not asking for a perfect life, i just want my heart to be mended finally. it's been nroken so many times and pain from the past still hurts. i know being in a relationship doesn't make a person totally happy, but i know it will make me feel like at least there is somethng out there to live for. i'm sorry if this all sounded stupid, but it's all true. thanks to anyone who took the time to read it. bye for now

i've posted a few times now about this girl i like. well...she has a boyfriend and while i don't have any intentions about breaking them up or nothing, i do like her. see, i'm not like most guys. most guys have no problem being social but i do. and when i was able to open up and talk to her, it was a great accomplishment. the best way i show my affection is through poetry and recently a story i wrote for her. i guess she likes the poems and all, but i don't know if it's good enough. whenever she sees me, she sits down next to me and we talk a bit...at least i try to talk. like i said, i'm not good at being open so it's hard for me to hold a good conversation. i feel like such a pest when i walk next to her not saying much. i try to think of thigs but i get so nervous and doubtful it will sound good enough. i've been alone and lonely all my life and it's really depressing especially since not many people understand. although her boyfriend is better than me, i just want to still get to know her and vice versa. but i really want to make a good impression everytime i talk to her. i juust don't know all what to say. and please understand i can't give up and just walk away...it's just too hard to explain except that my life feels like it's in vain as it is. thanks to anyone who read this and can help a little. bye for now.

i am tired of my worthless life! the worse part of it: i'm all alone in this world. and soemtimes...it feels like i'm the only one. everywhere i go, it seems like everyone has a boyfriend or g/f which is very depressing because i have no idea what it feels like. i mean i can't even go to the damn grocery store without feeling inferior to everyone else. and i have a therapists but of course she doesn't seem to understand why i feel hopeless so the majority of the time i leave her, i'm in near tears. also being 21 year old lonely guy is perhaps the worst thing ever because how many people my age goes through this lonliness? according to crap like mtv and the real world, never! while everyone else is out partying, i sit at home trying to ask God why was i ever born. and don't get me wrong, God is yet another problem in my life. if he/she/it even exists, i feel as if he doesn't care at all DESPITE the fact i do my best to pray and believe things will get better. but at the moment, i am very close to hating God because while he never answers my prayers, he sure likes to help other people prosper like...i don't know osama bin laden? or how about people who has (unlike me) love and acceptance yet they abuse their girlfriends cause "they can" i try really hard to matter like those a holes and yet no one cares who i am. i've decided if things get worse, i would leave south carolina which by the way is by far the most closed minded place in the world. if i can't save up enough money to leave though....i've thought a little bit about suicide. it's been almost 3 years since i tried to kill myself and while some good things have happened since, the very bad things have outweighed it all. i don't want to die, but i don't want to live in vain either. i know i've written alot and most of it may sound like nonsense, but please believe me when i say i've tried really hard to fit in and nothing seems to matter. i just want to feel happy, find a girl who liikes me and doesn't expect me to be somekind of stupid jerkface thug, and prove everyone who ever hurt me wrong. but...are these all just pipe dreams? if anyone could understand what i wrote, then thank you. i'm sorry it was so long.

i haven't posted in awhile but my situation is still the same. i've been talking to this girl i like for a few months now. it hasn't been easy cause i'm not real good at being social. but i'm slowly finding myself opening up and being less nervous. i've sorta let her know how i wanted to do something like a movie but she hasn't said yes or no. i think it's cause i haven't asked directly. also, like i said....i'm not real social and that means i'm not as good at this as most guys. so i decided to do something for her that i can at least half way do good and that's writing. i'm going to write her a short story and not only am i putting my heart into it, i'm gonna try to make it look like a book(if that makes sense) i gave her a sneak peek of it but i havn't really told her it's especially for her. last week she gave me her number(didn't even ask for it) and i was happy but i was scared too because the last girl i liked really hurt me. she didn't like me cause i wasn't like all these other guys who call girls ho's and are disrespectful. whenever i would call her, she would put me on hold for a long time and when i did call back(she would tell me to call her back) she wouldn't even pick up. i think that sucked because in this society i'm worthless if i do things like write poems and treat a girl nice while some thug guy is respected for being a jerkface and cheating on girls(i guess girls do it to.) i really am tired of being hurt and i really want to spend more time with this girl i like now, i'm just afraid all these other guys have a better chance than me. i hope someone understands the fear i have. sorry if it all sounds dumb though. bye for now

the other day i got some pretty okay advice (except for starscream) after i got off the computer i ran into the girl i like. we talked and for the first time in a long time i really opened up. i actually smiled a few times and really felt comfortable doing it. i know someone like starscream may think this is sissy crap but for me it meant something that was pretty good. the next day she saw me and called my name out and asked me if we were gonna meet in the library again. i didn't really think she wanted to but it was great that she did. we talked....but not like the last time. sometimes i find myself holding back as to not talk too much or say something stupid. and i'm not sure the next time i see her but i know i want to ask her out. but have i proven myself any? i mean i'm not acting like ''the great starscream" here and according to him all girls like to be treated badly by the bad boy cause if you do something nice that means you a pvssy. cause if that retarded thinking is true, then i truly am not good enough for a girl. should i apologize for the times i kinda don't say much? sometimes we're on the bus and i don't really say much, i mean we talk but not the whole way home. is that okay? also, is there a particular way i should ask her out? i want to be humble but once again people like starscream think that's for the sissies. sarcasm aside, i want to do this right cause i have alot to prove. i want to believe there is something good about me that people will like. i don't want to be some stupid thug. they may have the ho's as they call them but they will never truly know what true love is. in fact i hope they all grow old and fat and suffer from alhezmers disease and end up getting treated badly in some run down nursing home. yeah that was mean but people like starscream deserve it not a pretty girl. any way i know i've written alot but i hope at least someone took the time to read all this. thanks and bye for now. (by the way starscream is a "contributor" on this site. which makes me wonder: if he's so thuggish and gets all the ho's then why the hell is he on this site. (dumba$$)

i haven't posted in awhile but i hope this makes sense. i like this girl and we've been talking for a few months now. last week i wrote her a note saying that i'd like to talk to her more and i even wrote a poem as well. that night she called me and i was glad and all but i had a hard time really saying alot. then on monday i was at the gas station and as i was walking out someone said hey to me it was her. i waved but i don't think i smiled well. then yesterday i saw her on the bus and like the conversation on the phone, i couldn't really say much. i really hate myself cause i'm not like most guys and i'm afraid that i may just end up boring her. i might see her today and ive been praying (something i have a hard doing) that i can find the strength to make a good impression. i wanted to say that she looked good on monday because she was wearing a skirt and i remember her saying she didn't like shwoing her legs but i hope it's not too late or too forward. like i said i am really trying to prove to her i'm a good guy to get to know but i feel so akward and ugly. i guess that's it for now so bye for now

i've posted before about this girl i've been talking to for a few weeks now. i have a hard time opening up sometimes to just about everyone(i guess i have social anxiety?) anyway, i really like this girl but sometimes when we're on the bus or at school, i sometimes get nervous and don't know what to say. i mean when we do talk it seems to go alright. we usually talk about school or movies or books or whatever but i'm not like most guys. seems like most girls want nothing but "a bad boy" or someone who takes love for granted. the last girl who broke my heart said things like i was nice....as if she would've perferred if i spit on her or somethng. this girl i'm talking to now seems a bit more open minded though but i know if she already has a b/f, he's probably alot better than me. i know i'm talking too negative here but i have my reasons. i'm 21 and i've never experienced love; it's both humiliating and depressing. trust me i've tried to prove to people i'm worth getting to know but it never really matters. i really want to get to know this girl i'm talking to now but i hate how i can't open up more. i guess i'm kinda cautious so not to say anything stupid. there's one other thing and i'm not sure if i can bring this up but i couldn't find any other place to talk about this: as i said, i'm 21 and i don't really have much purpose in life (least it seems that way) everything in life seems to be catered towards those who aren't lonely. for example that movie that just came out The Real Cancun. it's about people my age going to mexico for spring break drinking and partying. i doubt for one moment they've ever had to deal with the pain of lonliness. but i'm torn: part of me hates them cause they're nothng but a bunch of closed minded people who look down on people like me, but at the same time.....i wish i could experience life like that. cause through all their binge drinkin and sex orges they somehow find true love....and it's depressing. sure i know some of you wouldn't understand why i feel this way but i want to know if their is at least one person who feels lonely in this world like me. i mean they really try to fit in and find acceptance but it seems like everything they do is in vain. sorry to have written so much and i hope i haven't made anyone mad with what i wrote. bye for now

i've written about my problems for a few weeks now about this girl i like. last week i gave her a note (i'm a little shy as i said before) and today i saw her at school in the cafeteria. i was a little hesitant about going up to her but i did. she said she was wondering when i was finally gonna come up to her and offered me a seat. from the start i was nervous but i didn't really show it.i first old her i was sorry if the note seemed akward and she said it was fine and she still has it. we talked about diffrent things like school and movies and stuff like that. sometimes she seemed to smile when i talked like she asked me why i was so quiet and i tried to tell her i guess i'm just used to being that way. when she smiled and it looked like she took interest, it made me feel a little more at ease. but...she said that next week she was going to this india.arie concert with a friend and it's a guy. i don't think they bf/gf but i hope this doesn't mean i can't talk or spend time with her more. when i had to leave i couldn't help but hope i didn't make her regret talking to me. i mean she did say see you later and when i said it was nice talking to her i guess she returned the gesture. but sometimes people just say things. (like that show blind date, the people hug and talk about how they enjoyed the date but as soon as they leave each other, they talk about how it was the worst date ever!) i don't mean to overanalyze and i will admit while i don't have many good days in my life......it was pretty okay things went better than i thought it would. i did feel like i made a few mistakes (sometimes i think my nervousness showed) but i guess it could've been worse. the only other problem: i forgot her name. i mean not really forget it but i forget how to pronounce it. do you think it's okay to ask her her name again? well i'm sorry to have written so much but i'll try to post some more later. bye for now

last week i was able to give this girl i see often on the bus and at school this note i wrote. all it said was how'd i'd really like to talk and get t know her. she seemed friendly about taking the note. i saw her yesterday at the bus station and i wanted to say something but she didn't see me. i ended up sitting right in front of her. (she was sorta above me so i don't think she saw me.) she sat next to this guy on the bus and i don't think he's her b/f cause they sorta look alike. but i ended up sitting next to this guy who got off before me which meant i had to get up. i was in full view of her now and i felt so akward. she didn't say anything which makes me think she probably thought i'm a joke or something. i did think she felt the way i did....she wanted to say something but she might have felt kinda nervous. i told myself the next time i see her, i'm gonna go up to her and just let her know i only worte to her cause i was a little shy and i didn't mean for it to be akward. that is...if i even have a chance. this is a poem i came up with last night: Being lonely and in love is painful day to day you see others kissing and holding hands yet it never comes your way you wish you could go up to he and give her your heart hoping that chance would be the beginning of a beautiful start but when you find yourself feeling inferior to all the rest you can't help but feel like a failure even before taking the test All you really want is for that chance not to be in vain you hope so much that this time you'll feel small joy instead of pain but having faith is easier said than done because after so many hurts it's hard to think this could be the one and it's not like you don't want this dream to come true but it's hard to truly believe things can become anew Sometimes thinking of her you feel a sense of shame but deep down you don't want to give up and wonder what could've became So in the end you hope that this chance will go alright and despite your doubts and worries...you try not to give up on love and dreaming at night. i know this poem wasn't as deep as most out there but it came from my heart. i'm sorry if i've written too much but i hope someone did read all this and can relate. bye for now.

i've posted a few times now and my problem is i like these two girls i see often. so far i've given one girl i like a note just saying i'd like to talk sometime and the next time she saw me she said hi. but the other girl i like, i see her on the bus and at school and i've wanted to talk to her for awhile but like always i didn't feel like i could. i was gonna give her a note today at school just saying how i'd like to meet up and talk but everytime i saw her i would either hesitate or she'd be going in another direction. and as much as i try to look decent, i'm afraid i'm too weird looking to actually make a good impression. i don't know...people tell me i'm okay looking but they're usually old people not someone my age (21) so i feel pretty confused about who i am. i keep thinking about this guy i see on the bus. he's always acting weird and imagine she sees me like that. i try to look smart and attractive when she comes around. but still........ i like both girls and right now i just want to get to know them if possible. i know i've written alot and i hope it wasn't confusing. bye for now.

i finally gave the girl i like the note. she didn't seem like she was frightened and she kinda smiled but i'm not sure if it was cause she admired me going up to her or she thought i was retarded. but for me this is only the beginning. there's also another girl i want to try to talk to(i'm not trying to be somekind of two timer) but it's only cause i couldn't truly decide who should get what. but i hope this girl likes the note and maybe responds.......