HeavenLee

There shouldn't be anything there though... see this is the problem. While her husband is chatting to this "friend", he is neglecting his own relationship. This is where it all falls apart. He feels that he can "communicate" to this girl, so he does... while his wife, who has all the real life responsibility misses out. They can become addictive. They can break up marriages, and it is a growing phenomenon. Why? It may not be a physical betrayal, but emotionally it sure is, especially if they are talking in a sexual or desiring kind of way... even if it is not meant to be serious... I don't think his wife would find it particularly funny. For many people the lines between "fantasy" and "reality" become blurred and people get hurt. Very badly. Believe me, I know. The fact is, his behaviour is not acceptable if it hurts his wife, just like physical cheating would not be either. Full stop. Whether there is something there or not... too bad. If he needs someone to talk to he should try reconnecting and communicating to his wife. But as I said, if he wants to chat to her that's fine. But you have to draw the lines somewhere. Just because they are on the net doesn't mean he should not be honest about his family life, and put her straight when she starts on about how she desires him or whatever. To let her keep going is only boosting his ego, and also leading the poor girl on. She could get hurt too. It's just not admirable, and it needs to stop because it's a lie to both his wife and this other girl. There are too many people that can get hurt here... the only one that won't is him because he's too happy having his ego stroked. I have no problem with just chatting in a friendly nature. It's when it becomes more than that, that it can become very, very dangerous. I just don't see how anyone can justify THIS circumstance. I'm not having a go at all cyber relationships, but surely everyone can see that there is something just not quite right here.

Yes she does appear to be a serial liar... no doubt about it. And let's face it, we both know it. It's nice that you tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but all that managed to do was give her the chance she wanted to treat you like a fool. Do you really believe that other people are the ones telling lies when her behaviour is soooooo questionable? The question is, are you willing to give her more chances? Or is it time for you to pack up your dignity and find someone who will at least be honest with you?

Hmmmm, seen it all before. Been there... I agree with imdragonlady, he needs to respect your feelings. There is nothing wrong with having her as a friend, but do you talk in a sexual nature to all of your male friends? And would he find that appropriate? I wouldn't think so. The thing is, he doesn't see that he's doing anything wrong - but if you were to do it - I'm sure he would. He may not physically cheat, but emotionally he is. If he wants to chat to her, fine. But if it can't be without a relationship/sexual content, then it's time to put your foot down and stop taking his excuses of "it's only fantasy", "it's not real" etc. He needs to let her know that she should respect the fact that he has a wife, and that it's only a friendship. Nothing more. Don't let him bluff you. You can find many friends online other than a 16 year old girl. What could they possibly have in common other than sex talk?

Yes, I would say very "coincidental", and yet so convenient for him. Ugh, he makes me sick that he got out of it the easy way. What a coward. He may not have actually fired her, but I bet he didn't put up any kind of fight whatsoever... And sisterlynch is right, not all men are this scummy, so don't become bitter.

The good thing to have come out of this is that you have learned many lessons... the hard way, yes... but they will be beneficial for you in life. Yes, you did do the wrong thing in engaging in an affair with a married man. Your judgement will be better next time though. We all learn through our mistakes. I've been there too many years ago... not with a married man, but one who was close to it. And I learned that hard way too. I look back now and cringe at how I could have fallen for it... but the only reason is because I learnt my lesson. So I'm grateful that I have the rationality and perspective now to be able to cringe about it!!! I think he definitely took advantage of your age and naivety. Being young and inexperienced of course you would be more likely to fall for his BS stories. He sounds like a seasoned player, and I'm sorry for his wife (if she doesn't know of course). Look at it as a life lessoned learned. Some hurt feelings, but learning them now could have saved you for much more heartbreak later on down the track in life. Move on to bigger and better things now.

It sure is... and you know, everything you wrote gives people so much hope... it just takes a while to realise it. Because when you are at rock bottom and suffering through heartbreak, it is hard to believe these things because you hurt so, so much. But it's things like what you mentioned that keep people going and trying to reach upwards towards the moment of healing. Thanks for you insight... sometimes it helps to have it reinforced. I know that you made my heartache a little easier to bear today after reading it...

JukeBox, you raise a good point that perhaps he is not being fulfilled in his sex life. But when you take into consideration the type of porn he is looking at, it's hardly something that the poster can help him with. It's quite disturbing stuff. I also agree that people need their privacy, but when you run on gut instinct and someone is being overly secretive, sometimes it is better to know these things. The inappropriate chat is truly a betrayal and can break up many marriages and relationships. It means that while he is in his "fantasy" world, someone else is getting his emotional attention and it is taken away from the person who, obviously in this case, needs it. How can you trust someone who is giving there attention to other women, even if it is only online. It has a bigger impact on reality than most people are aware of, and the rate of bust ups because of the "online" phenomenon is growing in alarming numbers. While some may argue that it's wrong to pry, it's also wrong to hurt your partner with these behaviours. And it also shows some really deep seated problems within him.

Well that's great to hear Tsunami... hopefully her actions will also back up her words. I guess it all comes down to her choice of making her fantasy a reality, or potentially ruining her marriage because she has hurt her husband. Thankfully she has realised that having sex with someone else just isn't worth hurting you for. And remember Tsunami, start spicing things up!!! That way, she'll never even think about wanting to have sex with someone else... you will be all that she needs or thinks of!!! Best of luck to you both and I hope things work out so that you can have a happy marriage. I love happy endings!!!

It is a big red flag. Chatting inappropriately is not only lying and betraying you, but I feel that it is emotional cheating. Anyone who tries to get away with this type of thing uses the old "but it's only fantasy" excuse. Believe me, because I've heard it so many times it makes me sick. If it is all fantasy though, why is he so secretive about it, and why does it hurt you in your "reality" so much? Because it's wrong. The porn is disturbing (not that there is anything wrong with looking at porn - but it's the type that is disturbing), and I wonder if he has shown any signs of enjoying this type of thing in real life? I agree that he really should see someone about all of this. It's not healthy for him, your relationship, or potentially your children. It is an addiction. I've seen it too many times. People have a hard time dealing with reality so they hide in the "fantasy" of being online way too much. The inappropriate chat is a betrayal to you, the porn would make me very uneasy and you mention he gets aggressive when questioned... may he also have an anger management problem? If he will not see anyone (because I'm sure he doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing), I'd seriously consider leaving... even if it is only until he agrees to seek some professional help. Good luck to you, and please do not live with these types of things that make you uncomfortable. It will not change, at least not without the help of a professional, and even then, there's no guarantee.

Okay I'm sorry too, it's just that the written word can sometimes be misconstrued and I thought I might offer some advice that may help you. Honestly, not all women are like this. If we were to generalise I could say that if some women were like this, it could be because they have been burnt by some guy who was a player or treated them badly. But, not all men are like this either, although sometimes it may feel like it. In the dating game, you win some and you lose some. Who knows why it happens... maybe it is to teach you some valuable lessons for when you do find your Mrs Right. All it really means is that you haven't yet come accross the woman who is right for you just yet. Don't let it sour you or give you a negative attitude towards dating and women... you are young and will have many more opportunities. And when the "one" does come knocking at your door, you will appreciate her so much more because she doesn't play games with you or mess you around. I am a woman who, like you, has been messed around plenty by men. But I keep the hope that not all men are like that. So please believe that not all women are like the ones you have experienced. There are plenty of us who are looking for our soulmate too, and who we want to give our all to and not waste time playing silly games. I hope you find her soon...

Wow, that is some great advice and something that could be useful to everyone. However, when it comes to heartbreak, it's not always so easy to apply such logic. There are so many more issues to deal with that get in the way of being able to effectively apply these to the situation.

I think you should try to re-establish the friendship. She may not have treated you in the right way, but I'm sure it was because she was hurting and did not know how to control it. I can't imagine her devastation, and she may have even been a bit jealous and was lashing out because it didn't seem fair for her to have suffered. Although it doesn't justify how she reacted, until one has been in her position, it's hard to say that one wouldn't do the same thing. I would hope that she doesn't hold a grudge. Even if she does, at least then you will know that you tried and gave the friendship a go, and that you tried your best to be there for her. I would talk to her about your reasons for cutting off the friendship. Let her know that it's not because you don't love her, it's just because you were hurt by the way she was treating you and you thought that perhaps it was best because it seemed to be hurting the both of you. Tell her you care for her very much and would just like to connect with her again in some way, for both of your benefits. I'm sure she will appreciate it. You can never have too many friends.

Hmmmm okay, I'm not sure if you were trying to get a response from your title... so I'm going to be very honest and let you know what I think. When I read your post initially, I found it a little arrogant and a bit egotistical - sort of like you expect these girls to fall madly in love with you. This may have something to do with the things that are happening. You may not mean it, but it may be coming accross to some of the women this way. I may be wrong, but that's just the impression I got from your post. I also got the feeling (and I may be wrong again) that you put yourself above these women and feel that all of your moves are right. It could also be an immaturity thing, but I would suggest that it may come a bit from both sides. Please don't think I'm trying to criticise you, I'm just offering constructive criticism. It may be the type of girl you are going for, but not all girls are like that, so it may also be helpful to look at your own approach.

Tsunami, her allowing you to go to a striptease bar, and her expecting you to accept her sleeping with your friend (or any other guy for that matter) are two very different things. She may very well be open to sex outside of the marriage, but if she was really put to the test, I wonder if she'd change her tune? It changes alot of things and invokes feelings that I'm sure she couldn't possibly imagine. I should also mention that you both seem to have very different ideas of how a marriage should work. That is not a good sign. She thinks one way is "normal" and you think your way is (which I'm inclined to agree with). Actually, neither of you are probably wrong, but if you don't see eye to eye you will always be fighting against this. It is something that really needs to be addressed, otherwise this will always be an issue. Again I must stress that it's time for her to respect your feelings and for both of you to start reinvesting yourselves into rejuvenating your sex life.

I agree that if you really want to stay with him and make it work, then a marriage counsellor is the way to go. Not only will it help you try to deal with your feelings of betrayal, loss of trust, blame etc and talk in an open and frank manner, but it will also make him acknowledge that what he did was wrong and will make him take some responsibility. It may even help you to sort out what the source of the problem is. He may appear to be sorry for what he has done, but there are no excuses for what he's put you and your children through. Only his actions will show you if he really is sorry or feels some remorse. Don't make this too easy for him - he has alot of work to do to regain your trust. It wasn't your fault, and you shouldn't have to be suffering like this. If there was a problem to begin with, then he should have communicated this to you to give you a chance to fix it... not simply go to someone else's arms. If he loves you, he will be willing to attend to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work, and that means admitting to his mistakes and communicating to yourself and a third party about it in a controlled manner. Don't think of it as admitting defeat or anything, but as a professional means of giving your relationship the best chance to survive. I'm sure he's sorry for what he's done (in some capacity), but does he truly understand the damage that he's done? Good luck to you and I hope that you can seek help and work things out. Actually, I just hope that you can find some happiness again, whether things work out or not.