Amasa

Ok, my sister who is helping me through the 30 days (I need LOTS of help) said that the work text was unneccessary and that I should go back to 0. So, I'm correcting my above post and I am on 0....for the third time.

I woke up at 3am and couldn't go to sleep because all I could think about was him. He's so quick to leave me, and how can we have the really long relationships and then he can just walk away. How is it so easy for him? I'm all upset all the time and he makes generic comments about sometime since the breakup, in passing, he has reflectively thought about me. I text him today about business, and that's it. And I actually spoke to him and made eye contact when he picked up the girls. (I said she's sick) But those are things I have to do so I'm not counting it as breaking NC. Two more days to break my record

Thinking maybe he was trying to get back together with me the whole time and I screwed it up. I'm sure I'll be back to calling him a jerk by tomorrow though

I'm such a sucker, I always fall for the fight. Everytime. Maybe I'll learn better self control from this whole thing.

Well I woke up this morning and took a shower and changed my cried all over clothes. I realized that maybe I would choose not to wallow in it today, and it feels a little better. Maybe I can do this. Maybe somewhere there is a little strength in me and I am not this pathetic psycho stalker that cannot end this relationship. Maybe I am, but not for today

Today is worse. Saw him when he picked up the girls, he was looking super hot, probably wearing new clothes his fabulous gf picked out for him. I almost started crying when he opened the door. Now they are off being a little family frolicking somewhere, while I sit here and cry. As I was driving earlier and started crying, I flashed back to the last time we broke up and I realize that I am in for that same crushing unending pain all over again. Ohh what a dark time in my life that was, and now I'm on my way back there again. Where I will sit and rot, unable to let go of what I should have let go of a long time ago. Unable to see the reality of the situation. Always holding on to this little glimmer of hope that he will realize....something. And knowing the whole time that all I need to do is let it go. Just let it go and it will be better. Sure, I will try and force myself to do that, I may go out and get a new guy that I will never care about as much as I care about my ex. The happiness will never be there like it was. And I will be a depressed shadow of myself watching my life go by. No, instead I will hold onto every email and re-read them a thousand times. Write him a million letters (that I won't send) to try and find just the right words to say so he can see he loves me. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Yesterday was not my best day ever. I cried alot and wrote ranty post on here and on a private journal. I saw him twice yesterday (pickup n dropoff) he has quit trying to make conversation when he does which is good for me. I did drive by his new house that he has with his new gf yesterday. It's on a road I go down anyway so I'm not a stalker, but I probably should have avoided it anyway, and am going to in the future. The last email I sent him I told him that he had been cheating on me since I was pregnant and that I thought he was a selfish child and I hated him. He wrote back and said that he hadn't been and I was making stuff up. I really want to write him back and tell him that an emotional affair is the same as a real affair. I remember him talking about this young girl at his work hitting on him and how dumb she was to think she could have him when he had a wife and babies and a house. Flash forward a year and look at us now. I don't think I'm going to send it (i'll probably write the email 100 times) What's the point? He's with who he wants to be with.

I know this is going to sound bad. But I used to be that girl. I could see who I used to be all over your post. I used to do exactly the same things to my b/f that your girlfriend is doing to you. The truth was that I couldnt' express how I felt at all, and I would get so angry and frustrated that I would lash out just like that. I remember one time I went on a rampage and started breaking everything in my b/f room. He was so at a loss that he hugged me and just started crying saying I love you please stop. Which of course i didn't. He tried everything, everything and I didn't want to hear any of it. Sadly, the only thing he could do to make me realize that i was the problem was to leave me. I was so crushed, I cried everyday for six months when we broke up. But, because of that, I went on a mission to figure out what the problems were and how I could go about fixing them. So, back to your situation, I think the only thing you can do to help this situation is leave. If it makes you feel better, me and the ex i did that to hooked back up after i took the time to fix myself and we have been together happily for almost a year now.

I don't really understand what your saying. I don't know if you should really be using terms like ownership when talking about a relationship. But you said I know that your worried that she will be upset that you are trying to control her, or stifle her in some way. But that is not my suggestion at all. I think you should let her know that you are having this problem and ask her to be a little more considerate of your feelings. I don't think so, but I think communication is key. You have to be able to tell her how you feel and she has to be able to do the same. Then you can work through any problems you may have together.

I think you need to look at the problem. When do you feel insecure, and why? In your first post you said that you felt insecure because she hadn't been online as much and when she did speak to you it was just to get help then she had to get offline. You also said that you called her and she didn't talk to you. So you should tell her that you feel insecure because she hasn't been around alot lately, and when you do talk to her she seems busy*. And see what she says, I'm sure it will make you feel better to talk it out. ****Don't make her feel like she did anything wrong

She has begun to move forward. When I first started talking to my ex again she got on a mad dash to find a new man. Needless to say it didn't work out. She has a 3 y/o daughter and that makes it a little harder for her, but she does have other friends, and interest. If I thought for a second she would be all alone I would have NEVER cut off the friendship. She has gone through so much including watching her husband die, and it wasn't a fast death. He was sick for almost two years before he died. Maybe I should have been more understanding of her situation at the time and not ended the friendship. Does anybody think she has a reason to hold a grudge against me now?

It sounds to me like you just want to be on an even playing field. Relationships should be happy places, where there is trust and you can be you. That's not going on here, you sound insecure. I don't think there is anything wrong with her putting in a little extra effort to make you feel secure. And if she can't do that for you, maybe you should walk away.

I haven't talked to her in a few months, I thought that if I gave her some time she would realize what was happening between us. Before when I would talk to her about it, she would just turn it around on me. I was the one making too big of a deal out of nothing. I was crazy, for even thinking she was upset. She wouldn't even take partial responsibility for the things that were happening. We've been good friends for ten years, and i really feel bad for having to abandon her in her time of need. And I feel worse knowing that the anniversary is coming and I won't be there for her/

That's what i thought but i wasn't sure Anyway, what makes you think that you are being chauvenistic (sp?) about it?

what is MCP???