xmrth

He wants me to go out and do more things on my own and have FUN. And I do, too. I have fun with my friends and everything, but it's so hard to give up a weekend with my boyfriend to hang out with them-- It always ends up being with their boyfriends who don't let them drink or do anything fun. I feel like I'm hanging around a friend and one of their boring parents or something. It's seriously once in a WHILE that I really have an actual GOOD time with just them. I just don't like hanging out with friends and their boyfriends, unless they're going to let loose and have a good time and stop being all, no honey don't this or that... oh honey... let's snuggle and pretend we're the only ones here... I just want to complain... I want a girls night out. THAT will get me out the door-- no boyfriends, just the girls. Especially now that I'm 21. But all of a sudden now that a few of my friends finally turned 21 they don't like to drink, or they have to get permission, or they aren't "allowed" to. And not just to drink-- but to go anywhere that has alcohol! I am old enough now to get out of the house or restaurants and go to town! And that's what I want to do! Do I really need to get friends who are single? I don't think so, but I don't know any single girls anyway. I'm just complaining... I'll figure something out. I can't just spend a night for myself or any other alternatives because this is more like going out and having more of a life for a 21 year old. I'm not obligated to just because I'm 21-- but I want to! Stuff just won't work out that way with friends, though. Even with alcohol excluded; their boyfriends can never be out of the picture, and I don't mean exclude them completely, but just for like one night... like I'll never have a girl's night out, and that's just really sad. I want to say I can understand how they feel but at the same time I think we all really need it. These aren't my only friends for the rest of my life, but it's kind of been like this for a while now. I try to make things fun and all, but it feels like it's beyond that. I know for a while I've just needed more of a separate life, but it's just difficult. I wish I were still all in touch and close with childhood friends, all in the same town and things like that... so it wouldn't be like me and the couple who can't unlatch their arms from around the other one so I can hang out with the girl-- that kind of thing. It's more up to me but I've most definitely been having trouble with this for a while now. Martha

Hey, do you know how long both of those options last for until it's needed to be done again? Anyway, I've been using just whitening tooth paste and whitening gum which seems to work really well, and I'm a heavy coffee drinker. But some people have teeth that are just so white, like they're translucent if that makes any sense... I think laser is a good idea, and things along those lines.

I do feel like I need to more than what I've got. I feel like I'm not as close to my friends as he is to his. His friends actually care about him, as he does for them, like brothers. While my friends are people who know they probably won't keep in touch after college. I'm not sure what you mean about the small town though. You mean like the amount of people we both know? I'm disconnected from my town by going to a different high school which had some other towns going to it and the same with him. But his town is big and so is the amount of people he knows. If I were like him, I think I'd feel a lot better. I'd feel more like I had other people to care about just as much as I care for him (along those lines, at least), and to feel that same care in return from other people. It's a lot of that and all kinds of other little things. I'm completely sick of it, and I hate feeling this way and caring and just feeling like I need so much out of it. I feel like me as a person does not need so much, but things make me feel like I do. I feel like there's ways for me to relax but I'm definitely not there yet, I hate it.

I do feel like I'm completely losing myself, and before I'd just keep focusing on not allowing it to happen as best I could. Now it feels like I've almost accepted it, like it's okay, though I know it's not. I feel like no matter how busy I am with anything, it doesn't help. I'm so tired of it; it's exhausting. I'm not sure what you mean by an itch because I've always wanted the same thing from us as long as I can remember. I'm not sure what you mean; I think I answered that right but I'm not sure.

I feel like I'm going backwards again, and getting so anxious about everything. I feel like I can calm down eventually, which wasn't possible for me some months ago, but I feel absolutely miserable. Misery. Just full of it. It's like the same things in my relationship bother me, even though things are so much better now: two major things. The biggest thing is I feel like I'm more of my bf's life, and he takes me out without question-- but I'm not convinced. My problem with that is it's still very soon, only within the past few months (been together almost 7 yrs, and he didn't include me w/friends for any of the more recent years) and there's times coming up that I'm actually freaking out over if I'm not included. Like I'm making sure he knows I should be there, and I should. Has everything to do with the fact I don't know some of those people yet. The second improvement is our communication, which we used to talk only like once or twice on the phone during the week. Now we talk several times a day and for as long as we can!! I think that's our biggest improvement. It goes both ways now too instead of just me calling. I get called at surprising times, finally. I just feel so miserable and anxious. It makes me hate myself, and I hate my life because of it. I'm so sick of feeling this way. I'd feel worse without him, but living like this is so unbearable. I don't think therapy helps me, but I don't see how medication will help me. I don't think I'm feeling miserable and anxious over imaginary things, or problems I've created myself in my own head. I feel like there's things that should work a little more on my side. Things like oh I'd probably feel better if I had more to do instead of see him. My life really is involving him more than anything else in it. I have my friends but more of a desire to see him than them. And with him inviting me out, I feel like I'll feel better once I've met everyone he knows, mostly because that was such an issue, and there's still people I haven't met which makes me uncomfortable. He doesn't go out without me anymore, but he's been so busy with work he hasn't seen much of anyone but me or then WITH me. So I still feel bothered even though that situation is a bit better. And living at home... doesn't help. I have a good family situation. But I can't stand that after nearly 7 years, we're not living together yet. No money to do so, and I'm in college. I know our reasons for not living together yet are right, but it sucks. I'm miserable. I hate it. It makes me hate life. I wish I didn't care about him so much. I wish I could take him for granted so badly. Martha

Hi, no I didn't get to yet but she's friends with my boyfriend's buddy and that whole group of friends-- the guy should be in town in another couple of weeks. I was hoping I'd be there and then get to meet her. I was thinking these past couple of days that I should call it because I was talking to him the other night about how when he (this buddy) is coming around town and it will be nice to see him, and he was just saying old things he used to say-- I had like 5 things to say to everything he said, but I do still feel like I'm taking the blame, so to speak. He was even like, oh you're trying to be all tough now. So that to me just says I should call this number and check this out. He seems so open about bringing me along, and he has been. But things he has been saying is oh, I want to just go out and have fun sometimes, which is fine-- with any of the people I've already hung with, but not when that guy is in town and that whole situation with what's going on and the secrets and all of that. I haven't seen him in years, and I haven't met that group yet. I know this sounds terrible, but we're definitely in a better place than before because I'm always out with him and his friends now, and he's like yeah she's 21 she's coming out with us-- but it's all taken away by this whole situation. I hope it's nothing but until I feel really sure it's nothing, it's definitely something.

yup, it was and it is : )

I think it was because he didn't know how I'd be around his friends as it had been so very long, as now I'm included without question. It's funny though because this girl was supposed to meet up with my boyfriend's buddies while we were out with them but she didn't make it. I just wonder if it would have saved a lot of grief over this, probably. It wasn't because I was there or any of that because of everything going on that night not too long ago. Otherwise I'd definitely get all over that, haha.

He says it's just a friend that he's known for years as it's his friend's ex girlfriend or something. He hasn't kept me separate at all in recent months, but I've still had no way of meeting this person because I wasn't 21 and when his friends come back on leave, they all went to town and she's good friends with them and all that. But I will finally be 21 in about 24.5 hours! I don't want him to keep it from me... I know that there's so many guys who talk to girls and have female friends just as I'm sure there's guys who don't, but I can't get comfortable because after going on 7 years this sort of thing pops up and it's so foreign and different-- like there must be something special, then. I do trust him that he'd never physically do anything or mentally do anything unfaithful, but I don't trust that he'd tell me the complete truth and I know a lot of it has to do with how he knows I'd get upset. But it crushes me to find things out like this, even though it's not like I innocently stumbled upon it. It pretty much provoked me because of the phone and the secrecy around it. I don't think it's her her her, but if that number is really hers, then I don't know. I think it's hers, but I can tell just by skimming her page she's just a really talkative girl to the guys. And that's all I really know about her. I know I'll meet her soon, but I don't know how I'll feel. We'll see, though.

I feel like I'm ruining my relationship over this. I talked to him tonight and he's just so angry with me and saying how I don't trust him. But honestly, I really believed this was enough reason to just look into it some more to protect myself. I mean, with everything I described in the original post, I really thought that was enough even though I knew it risked me getting this all turned around onto me. I just feel stupid.. I'll be honest; I have this person's number because after all this time of a year and my suspicions and his secrecy, I figure why not jot it down. But I have no desire to call it because I know he's not going to DO anything, but I just want the truth-- but from him. He's just telling me casually that it's not this girl, and this and that, but I'm so sure... I don't want to call because I don't want to know like that, either. It's weird I feel that way when I can get all my answers by being like oh, who's this, wrong number. He says he doesn't have girl's numbers but is like, what's the big deal anyway. And he's throwing around the words of breaking up and things like that between last night and tonight. I just really wonder if I should drop it or something.

I don't think it's super personal because I can tell this girl is just friends with a lot of guys, but that doesn't matter to me either. The thing is also that he still hasn't admitted it to me that this number is hers though, but I know almost 110% sure that it's hers-- it makes TOO much sense. I KNOW it is, I'm very sure. And so here he is, still not admitting after about a year. I have no way of knowing if he'd stop, and no way of knowing exactly how much longer it will go on for. I want to know what they talk about and why it has to be MY boyfriend... I don't know why he'd not be worried of me knowing, or worried of how that looks: like, why is this girl calling Martha's boyfriend, and why is Martha's boyfriend calling this girl? Her name has been mentioned casually to my boyfriend from his buddies when I was out with them all, too. I imagine since he, hopefully, only sees this girl when he's out with his buddies that maybe they were around and he didn't want to be all weird with the phone, but then why does he continue to call and receive and all of that. I feel like a horrible person. I don't know what to say yet and I keep running all through my head but then I remember there's probably nothing I can do anyway. I feel terrible.

Thank so much; I feel like absolute * * * * about myself. I feel like I must not be fun or something; he's looking like he's having this grand old time and he's calling this girl frequently, and for the past year using this lame excuse as to who it is. I just think of all the times I turn down a number and am like hey I'll just see you around, to another guy, and think of where the hell was I when this happened that he's exchanging numbers and talking all the time. I do remember times where it was on there a lot, but on his new phone it was only twice. Of course, now that I think of it, his new phone is only like a week old. I could touch it then when it was brand new, but not now of course. I'm seeing him today; don't know what to say to him... calling some girl at 2am, I don't care if it's related to their friend I'm guessing. I remember that night; had to leave my house at 11pm to get home to sleep and he's calling places at 2am. I know one guy is a time zone difference but I don't care. I want that girl off his phone; there's plenty of other guys she can cling on to that she can call. I want him to block it from his phone. I can't believe I have to deal with this; I'm never going to just be comfortable with it. I don't even know who this person is in person or anything and I'm probably going to be like "And so, why are you calling my boyfriend?" Because I'd like to know. I don't like it... he's been hiding it and everything. Must be such a better person than me, sure seems that way. And of course it's all my fault and if I say anything to him, he's not going to care and he can't feel threatened by me and our relationship on the line or anything. It's like there's nothing I can do. I don't know what to do to make it better; I don't think he really cares and things like that, but I don't know.

I know it's completely my own fault for looking and for all of it, but it's so hard when my gut is telling me I deserve to know, and that something is not right. My boyfriend has always been secretive of his phone. I have checked it out, even with him right there and just skimmed on down his list of contacts. He doesn't spell out his contacts, and puts abbreviations. One spelled out a girl who I know is friends with some of his buddies (and I know this through just what I've learned from names his friends have said and things like that), but it was still abbreviated. He has been telling me for the past year now that it's not a girl, and after I learned the name and who it is, he kept making this excuse it's this foreign guy with this female kind of name, ooookay. So now it's the next summer and this number is still on his phone. Still grabbing his phone from me, and all of that. Of course I'm going to look-- you grab that thing away from me, let me see what the hell is on it. I know my boyfriend would never cheat on me... I know that with all my heart, but this hurts so much. I know it's a girl, and I know who it is; I'm not stupid, I know. He can't fool me. MySpace, the most ridiculous website on the internet has basically a database of the whole world on it. So I say what the hell. I haven't been ridiculous myself and looked at his friends pages since December-ish (neither of us have pages, but his friends do) And I look and lo-and-behold the girl who I suspected, not a surprise. She's got pictures of my boyfriend up (with his buddies-- not alone) and they're all matching and all out and this and that. I mean, really. I don't want to see something like that! I think, where was I this night? What are they doing? Why does my boyfriend have a shirt matching this * * * *ing girl? I don't like it; I'm not used to it. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years, and so as I've been with him for this long, I'm just not used to this. This isn't a big deal to the majority of couples with talking to the opposite sex, but when you come accross things like this and you've been with the person for 7 years and you're just seeing it now, it hurts. It's hard to get comfortable and realize hey there's girls who are going to talk to your boyfriend and be friendly. Now, it bothers me he's keeping the number from me. And no I don't care at all, I looked. It doesn't appear to be for longer than about 1 minute and 30 seconds long convos, and far far in between, but excuse me but who is this person that you're calling at 2am? (right after this girl's best friend, so I'm sure it was something like passing a message along) Still won't admit it's a girl, because he knows I'll be upset. But I KNOW. I've called him up tonight and talked to him about it, and he's really furious at me for looking, and I know that already and knew it ahead of time. I knew it before I even looked and called him, but it was killing me and I knew I was right. He threw around the words of it being over between us, but then is saying it's fine but he's pissed. I'm scared he means it's over, but he told me yea we're still together when I asked. Because it's so ridiculous for me to look into these things and be paranoid like this. And I don't know, I don't want him to mention this to other people or anything, either... I don't know what I'm supposed to do or to say. It's one of those things where it gets turned around completely onto you, and I knew that's how these type of things can turn out, but I just had to know. I don't know if it was worth it because if I know he'd never do anything to hurt me, then... you know, why bother with it? But I'm so uncomfortable and upset. I'm not used to this with him and girls, after all these years especially. Sorry that's long; I hope people read it all at least. Martha

With the kissing and feeling up as you mentioned, I would base it on how frequently she initiates it, and how you can see she's comfortable with doing that. Even then she could say no, and she could say no to anything else, but just to base it off something, as long as you go with the flow of the progression and what she initiates or at least what she seems comfortable doing, then that is really how you're going to tell when is the appropriate time to ask her.

I wonder a little if it's because that's your boyfriend so your friends all wonder if he really WAS at fault, and you gave him "special treatment" by not defending your friend against your boyfriend-- that kind of thing. I don't see why you are obligated to stick up for your friend unless your boyfriend was REALLY in the wrong-- but even so, as that's your boyfriend involved, if it was his fault I'd just have done what you did and concentrated on separating them and talking to him about it afterwards and just play it neutral so it doesn't seem like you're playing sides, but it sounds like your friends all kind of jumped to you taking the "wrong side." But really, I don't know. What words were exchanged? I understand some guys will say little stupid things that blow up, but it would still help to know exactly what was said just so we know here and all that and can help you as best we can, you know? Because it could be either that it's your boyfriend and they think oh "special treatment, of course she's not going to yell at her boyfriend" or it really could have been what was said and more of the reason behind it. A push near a balcony is pretty big though too.

Is his "goofyness" just what his maturity level is, or is it strictly just to make you laugh? I can understand that; you used to find it cute, and now you think it's a little too much, that's all. Talk to him about it and let him know, "hey that gets on my nerves, it used to be cute but it's kind of getting old now. You can be cute in different ways, though." Something like that just to get it rolling and see what he'll do and take it from there. Honestly, I don't think it flat out means you're breaking up or you need to reconsider anything. There's more steps to come before that all happens-- you're just starting to sort this all out, so take it from there after you actually see about talking to him about it and seeing where it actually goes.

Yeah I was definitely ripped off, aaghhh. I never really knew what else to use from drugstores and was afraid I'd use something that would make me burn just like this SMALL, maybe 4" tall, $15.00 bottle did. If I could do it all over again I would love to have gone to a drugstore and saved me like $100 in their lotions... and little "tingle tan" nightmare product.. I'm afraid because it's on my thumb and my toes, which seem like place never meant to be burned... like maybe my body can't properly repair itself somehow. I haven't tanned or been burned since I was 11 years old, so I forget what it's like and how long but I look at my siblings who were out too long in the sun and their redness goes away by the next day and mine seems worse. That's something I'd really like to try, Annie. I honestly don't trust these people at the salon at all, not even a little bit after this so I will ask you! haha, how are those booths/spray? Do you wear it all day long, does it smell bad, and how often do you need to go to maintain? Spray booths I will try now... I always used lotions but they just smell so bad and are uncomfortable. I have been uneasy about tanning ever since I made that in-the-moment decision to try it out... this seriously finishes it-- I don't think my skin can handle anything else ever after that.

I don't think I'm going back after this. I think this is a sign that even a 3 month membership is a bad idea. They said "oh have you heard of 'tingle?'" Like it's this great thing, and the continued to say "When you get in after having it on your legs, you feel a little tingle. Then when you get out, you might feel it's a little warm, and a little red. But don't worry, it goes away in like 20 minutes." I heard this same kind of description about twice, and I thought it would just amplify it a little bit, but not this much... and not just flat out burn me. They never said it was a burn, and never implied it was just a flat out burn but described it as it being a little red somehow like it's gentle... basically saying it burns without saying it burns and trying to make it sound like that's not the purpose. It went away everywhere else except my thumb and my toes. My thumb looks worse than this afternoon, and it's just swollen. I hope it goes away because if it doesn't I have to go to the Dr, definitely... but the problem is I don't know if it should just be treated like a regular burn or not. When I press on any of these spots the blood just immediately rushes back, it's horrifying.

That's exactly what I already know, and said I don't care to hear. NOT what this post is about, NOT what I asked for. I'm the wrong person to be telling that to-- I'm not a tanning fanatic. This is a one time thing.

As if indoor tanning isn't bad enough for a person, I was having trouble getting my legs to tan. So I used this product the salon was selling (amongst other salons of course) called "Tingle" for legs. It's not a single company, but an ingredient. So this isn't about a specific company that I'm saying something negative about or anything. They basically described it COMPLETELY differently from what it actually does for real, while still telling you what it does to your skin. Basically what it does is it just plain GIVES you a sunburn. It's the whole purpose, but they made it sound like it was going to be something else, and I'm thinking oh maybe it will feel like this menthol kind of lotion I have (so you feel cooled off in the booth) and it will just make my skin a little more red. Apparently it makes your blood rush closer to the top of your skin and that helps you to burn. I missed a spot on my hands when whipping it off to get into the booth after applying, and now my thumb is swollen. It's been about 28 hours and it's awful. My toes have it, too. When you get a "regular" sunburn, and you press your finger against your skin, you see a light patch where you pressed, and you will see the red slowly rush back. But after using this stuff, you press on your skin, and the red absolutely immediately comes back.. It's awful and it's really scary. So if you really want to go indoor tanning, never ever ever ever ever get anything with "tingle" in it. And I would REALLY like to know if anyone else has used this? You get the same thing happening to you? No blunt little one sentence responses about tanning, or things like "oh tanning is bad I don't do it, the end." Because I didn't ask how you felt about tanning, thanks. Martha

It sounds like she must still love you and want to be with you which is obvious, but she's being stupid and selfish, basically. She wants to have you while she looks around and experiences other things and people, and just in case that doesn't work out for her, you're still on the end of that short leash she's got you on. Honestly, an ultimatum or not-- tell her hey, listen. I know this is what you're doing. If we're going to go together, we're going as boyfriend and girlfriend, if not see you later. Regardless if it's just for the vacation or not-- just to get some things moving so you're not stuck in this place for so long. Another point is that she may come back for that, but may leave after-- but you don't know that. I would say, your trip is paid for, she wants you to go, say the above to her and hopefully she'll realize that you're serious that if she's going to want to do things with you like that, she's got to make up her mind right this second, not take her time and waste yours.

It's a professional environment but they like us to be a little different and really friendly and open, and by the looks of it, they don't mind us to be loud but I'm not used to that especially in a workplace. I have a lot of friends but I want to have them in the workplace too, and for anywhere else to be able to make them easier. So not just people who i'd click with right away because there's people who I have things in common with but they're so hard to be myself around. It's hard for me to be open and myself around anyone really, but it takes a looooong time for me to open up. A really really long time, like months.

It seems like a problem of mine is that my first impression might be good, but then the immediate "second impression" is nothing like my first, and that kind of takes over. I just have such a hard time bringing myself out there permanently, and I also think about it so much while it's all going on. All my friends are who I was able to really get along with right from the beginning, but especially in my new workplace it's just hard to really be myself. I don't know what's acceptable, even though they pretty much prove what is. Out of everything though, the biggest issue I have is having a good sense of humor. It's not that I take everything seriously, but I kind of make myself seem shy by my response to people just joking around with me because I don't want to be loud, and I just feel strange with being myself like that. I think that shows the MOST personality, and I'm showing the least. And yeah Haven, that is what I have tried to do, too. It's hard because I don't know if what my immediate response in my head is appropriate, and sometimes it's not or people don't get it. And it's like uuughh... seriously.

You're welcome, I guess.

I think you should read this book "Feeling Good: The New mood Therapy." It's a really good book, especially from everything I've heard about it, it is extremely helpful to people in your situation, especially where it started at such a young age. It's either for before, after, or during medication and seeing a therapist-- it has helped people at any time, and very effectively. Go take it out or buy it if you're serious about feeling better.