Dre_7

I do not object to the idea that a person has inherent preferences. What I object to is the person who allows his preferences to go unexamined. If he can maintain a preference that is unchallenged by any ethical/moral standards, I think that his preferences are fine. It is a fine distinction to know what preferences are healthy and what aren't. I used an extreme to drive home the point that certain preferences must be changed, despite recognizing that other preferences are okay. Your preferences are of course a product of your environment. YOu cannot know something unless you encounter it. Everything you encounter is in some form, from your environment. I dont' care what a stranger decides to date, but because of my fundamental desires to know what is right and wrong, I have a desire to let others know what I have discovered, and to continue to seek what I havne't discovered... I get what you're saying about examining preferences. But then again, you can't use an extreme example to explain the average. The average person is not into paedophelia. So what preferences raised in this thread do you take exception to? You mentioned your preferences are a product of your environment while growing up, I was alluding to the "while growing up" part. I know that of course your preferences are in part due to your environment. At which stage of life varies, it's not only while growing up they are formed. If it is part of your fundamental desire to know what it right and wrong, can you also judge others by those standards? What is right and wrong depends on the person's morals and ethics, thereforeeee, you cannot hold others to the same standards to which you hold yourself.

I'd like to add that along with love, you will probably find friends along the way too. It's not only about the destination, but the journey can be a great experience too.

Preferences are good to have, but shouldn't be absolute. You never know who you will be attracted to, so no need to limit yourself too much. I don't necessarily mean that you will fall in love with someone who is the exact opposite of what you want, because I've never seen the logic in that statement. But be open minded. Caterina, I agree with you where you say some preferences should be changed, and you used preferences for young children as an example. That is sort of extreme though, and you can't compare that with a desire to be with someone of a certain race, or to be with a virgin etc. While paedophelia (sp?) is sick and twisted thinking, most preferences are not that extreme. I'm sure you have preferences of your own. Only desperate people don't have any preferences for a mate. Furthermore, I disagree with you where you said that preferences are the products of our environment growing up. I grew up around mostly black people, but now I have a preference for white women. It doesn't mean that I am racist by any stretch of the imagination. I just don't understand why you object so strongly with people haveing preferences. I mean, at the end of the day..does it really matter to you and I who some stranger decides to date?

I agree with that wholeheartedly

Caterina, I didn't get what you meant by the part about the "truth"..

And I say you can't take care of the world if you can't take care of yourself first. I don't understand why some of the posters have a problem with Puddle's wants, they are his. At the end of the day, he is the one who will decide how to go about finding that girl. What if he posted that he wants a girl he finds unattractive who has also been sexually promicuous? Would the naysayers then tell him he has low self esteem? Or applaud him because he wants what THEY want for him? Can't please everybody...

lol, Puddle, I like your zeal You are probably right in saying my desire for a virgin wasn't as great as it could be. I never really gave up or such, I just decided to be a bit more open minded about virginity. In saying you judge people by their past, what if they've changed? What if they're a shadow of them former selves? People do change for the better, or even for the worse. If you judge some people by their past, you might never give them a chance. When I said alot of stuff can happen, I meant the girl might have been raped, previously married, sexually abused, or had a boyfriend she slept with. There are just too many possibilities for me to shut a girl out because of her past. But that's my view, you don't have to accept it at all.

I used to have the same criteria for a woman, in terms of wanting a virgin. As I've grown older, I realize that there aren't as many virgins around as when I was a teenager. So I guess, like someone said, the probablity of finding a virgin decreases as you grow older. To be honest, it's not such a big deal to me anymore...being a virgin in itself is not an endearing quality. So many things can happen in a person's life that can cause them to lose their virginity. I'm more concerned about finding a woman who isn't sexually promiscuous, and who has morals and values. That, by itself is a great task sometimes. Puddle, I respect that fact that you want something so pure, in a world that sometimes people have twisted desires. And I do hope that you find it. But, if you find an awesome girl who just happens to not be a virgin because of something in her past, try to give her a chance Judge her based on who she is...

I was just wondering if "finding love and soulmate" is the right place to post such an article? It really doesn't evoke anything in me either, you should share your own views and then we'll have more to discuss

Kyoshiro, I like when you said that you have the confidence to slove problems, to play sports, and to get good grades. Do you know why you have confidence in those things? Because you have a great understanding of yourself and thus, you developed your ability in those areas of your life. Now, let's put that in the context of attraction. Any confidence you get from your looks, the way you dress etc. is as fleeting as confidence in material things. Why? Because it's superficial. You know how people who can't get dates say that everybody is superficial? Then they go into self-defacing mode and start saying it's because they're ugly, and unattractive...Well, they're just as superficial as the so called "good-looking" people who are obsessed with their looks. Because they obsess about their looks so much, they forget to learn to love and develop themselves. That is why people complain about being ugly. Unfortunately, the seeds they plant in their mind about being ugly, start to take root in their inner person. Subsequently, they develop anger and bitterness...and become real jerks. A smile will go a long way (good that you said you smile already), a polite gesture goes a long way. If you see a person that you see frequently, look them in the eye, smile and say hi. I don't only mean girls either, be nice to everyone. For the simple fact that you just never know who's looking, you might just attract somebody being a real nice guy. Not the "nice guys" who claim to be nice because they aren't able to sleep around and have their pick of women. Over time, looks fade...then what happens? The people that relied so much on just their looks to get them by find themselves empty and unhappy. It seems unlikely now, especially since we're all in the prime of our lives. It might seem to you that the outward beauty that people have is like an infinite attribute, that is not the case. On the other hand, inner beauty lasts a lifetime, find an elderly person who has truly enjoyed the fullness of life. You'll find that they're the most pleasant people to talk to. Gain an appreciation for the things you don't understand, so that you will learn more about and appreciate what you do understand. You know how they say that love will find you when you're not looking? It's true if you spend so much time focusing on valuing yourself, you won't have time to feel lonely. You can have a relationship without loving your self, but you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself. One last thing, it's like Miss M said, stop comparing yourself to other guys. Like you, I play a sport..do you think if I compared myself to all the players above me that I'd improve? Nope, I'd get down on myself and my efforts would seem futile. On the other hand, If I tell myself that I can be better compared to what I AM, then I will improve. Always, compare yourself to what you could be, not what others are.

The right body type depends on who the right girl is lol. But generally, I like anywhere between slim and medium. I used to have an exact preference, but I've found for me anywhere within that range is fine.

The confidence I was describing is the type that covers it all. The confidence that relates to attraction and the confidence that gets one through life are the same thing as far as I'm concerned. When a guy is confident, it seems like a strength, and strength is attractive. Confidence is all about a strong sense of self-worth, and when a guy values himself, believes in himself, it seems he also will value those he loves. That's not necessarily what happens, but I think that's how I interpret confidence when I see it. If a guy is full of self-doubt, doesn't trust himself, it seems as if he also won't trust me. And I find that feels precarious, scary, insecure. And if he seems as if he is confident, able to assert himself enough to require others to treat him justly, then it seems he will also require others to give good treatment to those he loves. Again, it could be a misread, but that's how it reads at first glance. These are explanations of gut reactions to a display of confidence. On the other hand, there are women who specifically go after guys who seem to LACK confidence. Some women interpret confidence as evidence that the guy will try to dominate them, and they are afraid of that, or they don't find that appealing. Those women might specifically look for guys who lack confidence. And the type of women who likes to dominate the guy will even interpret lack of confidence as a turn-on. Fake confidence, or posturing as if one is courageous when it's not genuine, that happens a lot, but that's not what I was talking about. Some guys probably display something fake, and that might work some of the time, sure. But often the bogus stuff is easily detectable. Or else it eventually falls apart later on. When I've gotten duped by that it just felt as if I had wasted my time, like I had been lied to. If you're into faking it, you might try want to try that, but that's not what I was talking about, not what I'd recommend. Some guys fake the confidence by trying to overpower the woman. I guess he's trying to show her that he's the dominant one over her, like relationships are a hierarchy and he's in charge of her. That's not what I'm talking about either. And I don't consider any of this a final or complete definition. I really think the confidence thing is very complicated, multi-layered. Well said Miss M! lol, see what happens when guys try to discuss something related to women, it becomes a back and forth set of questions with no definitive answers lol.

Exactly, I think people are talking about something different here when they say 'confidence'. I think confidence in terms of attraction is poise, and the look of a go-getter. It has more to do with posture, gait and stature than anything else. But it stems from what Miss M and Shy talk about in their definitions. You can fake the appearance of confidence which I mentioned, but you can't fake being resillient and courageous as Miss M put it.

So how do we define confidence as it relates to attraction? Shy and Miss M gave great definitions of confidence, but is that the same confidence that people find attractive? Or is that the confidence that gets us through life? Or both? lol

I'm not sure how you'd like to define confidence, but it's not everything that it's made out to be. Like every other ingredient in attraction, it has it's role, but it is no greater than or explanatory of attraction itself.

lol, I'd never use that motto personally to justify selfish and negative behaviour.

Or its being completely honest and being ahead of our time, recognizing that the physical aspects pale in comparison and could never even begin to approach the wonder of the spiritual and emotional aspects. It's recognizing real attraction and lettting the baser, insignificant levels of attraction take their real place at the bottom of the list. I know the physical aspects pale in comparison to the deeper things, but I'll never date someone I wasn't attracted to physically. I don't even have a huge checklist for physical attractiveness. Being clean and well put together go a long way. However, we'll never agree on attraction, but I won't start a war of words with you lol, because I respect many of the things you say. And the world would be a better place if more people held some of your ideals. Remember one thing shy..to each his own lol

People don't want to admit it because they think it's shallow. It's just like people who are trying to lose weight avoid food because they think it makes them fat. lol, not the best analogy there..but what I'm saying is that attraction is important, but it's placing too much emphasis that has negative consequences. Denying the importance of attraction is denying yourself a great and essential part of life.

Eye contact on it's own means nothing, but you can tell sometimes when it does. Like if the person is smiling simulataneously while making eye contact, or they look at you while passing you, and then they turn around to look at you after you've passed by...these are excellent signs. But just glances or plain stares from someone is unreliable, I think.

I find most eye contact/smiles happen when I'm not making a conscious effort to get them. Like there are some girls I might see on the bus and look over at them a few times, if I find them attractive...But it seems like just that, a few glances. But if it's mutual and unexpected, feels alot more inviting, and I just might say hi. And in terms of bars, like Guest said, don't limit yourself to them. And don't get down on yourself when you don't meet anyone there. Love/attraction happens when you give off a carefree attitude.

It aggravates me too, but don't let it get to you otherwise you'll get depressed and look for the easy way out. Let those people be, the majority of them have no real backbone. It's not easy to openly go against the majority and to want something different and most likely more fulfilling. However, I think that that is true liberation. That's why many people decide to just fit in, doing otherwise takes work.

I want the same things you want, and it is hard because the majority of girls don't want that. But the good thing is that when you find that special person, you can feel even better because you know she's a keeper. And I also wanted to say, don't let anyone make you believe that you're too young to settle down. Anyone who believes that hasn't met the right person yet. Too often people think that us young people, should be gaining experience, which is really just another way of saying we should be accumulating baggage to burden our future significant others with. Like you, I get discouraged, but for every guy out there who wants a meaningful relationship, there's a girl out there looking for the same thing. It's just finding the person, and usually, in our case the only effort required is the waiting. After that things just fall into place natrually, or so I've seen lol.

Congrats, and you give us all hope for a better tomorrow. I hope she's all you wanted and more.

1899, that is a red flag when she's all quiet and shy around you. Especially since you know how aggressive she was in approaching you. However, if she wasn't the one to do the approaching, maybe you could assume she really is shy and that she likes you. Sometimes, the prettiest people do the ugliest things...like Kanye West said lol. But like I said, she wasn't worth it. You can find better...just look for someone you consider beautiful on the outside, with an interior to match. And don't feel sorry for yourself, because she's nothing special, well not with that sort of behaviour..and you really didn't miss out on anything.

I like them tall enough to rest their head on my shoulder, sitting or standing.