loner82

Hey Raggamuffin, It is so reassuring knowing that I am not alone in this situation. Well me and my ex were together for 3 years and he broke up with me to be with the girl he was cheating with for a while. Now I try to tell myself that I am happy for him because he is happy. I want to forget about all this and never think about it again.....

It has been quite a while since I have posted. After a while my life had seemed to settle and all hurt and anger that lingered after my breakup had subsided. Suddenly the new year came and then bam! A resurgence of questions suddenly came back into my head. I don't know what happened but suddenly the old feelings began to haunt me. It has been a year and half since I have seen or spoke to my ex and I have begun feeling angry and sad too. Again I felt lonely and pissed of because all around me it seems as though everyone who has had a relationship break down they all seem to have some sort of closure or justice brought to them. But with me it seems as though I am doomed to be the loser who got dumped for another, and in addition I always have this lingering feeling of how happy and lucky my ex is because: 1)he is not alone, he has someone to love 2) he doesn't have any feelings of guilt or doesn't even remember me. Inside my head I always have something racing in my head, it's non stop and annoying. Sometimes I try to recgonize the good things in my life such as: I only have one year left till I get my degree, my family but then I think that doesn't equal what he has in his life. In conclusion...I envy him. I wish I was able to not think about him anymore...and I didn't for awhile until now! And I don't know how to just see the good things in my life. I am emotionally in limbo. Is this normal after almost a year and half later to feel this way after a breakup? Will I ever get closure or does it even exist? and even If i did get closure would i even recgonize it if it were knocking at my door? Is my ex really happy as I think he is?

Being cheated on is the most devastaing thing that a person can do to another. It can cause so much damage to the other person, they will have feelings of low-self esteem and come to believe that it was there fault for their partners straying. But it seems to me as though the cheater has no remorse for what they did. I am still confused and saddened by my ex's cavorting with another girl. It has caused so much damage to my identity knowing he is with the girl that he cheated with behind my back. And it certainly doesn't help always hearing about how happy they are together. At first I had animosity toward this other girl, I wanted to hurt her and him like they hurt me. But now the way I see it is they had to put me through all this pain in order to be together, I have to be happy for them. There courtship will workout better than my 3 yr. relationship with him. Of course it hurts and some days the pain builds up so much I just burst into tears anywhere I am, be it in class or driving or in public. Your identity is shattered and you start feeling sorry for yourself cause your so lonely and constantly thinking about how happy they are together. But I guess time has its way of working things out for you and making you a better and stronger person.But indeed it is the worst feeling in the world and the lowest act a person can inflict upon another.

Personally I would recommend Jeff Buckley's album "Grace", there is so much longing in that record, that album has gotten me through many lonely nights. I personally like the tracks "Mojo Pin", "So Real" and my favorite "Lover, you should've come over". other favorites: Elvis Costello - Almost Blue Foo Fighters - Walking After You Incubus - I miss you The Smiths - I know it's over Nico - These Days Tim Buckley - Once I Was (oh! this song always manages to bring me to tears.) Blur - No distance left to run Joni Mitchell - A case of you Duran Duran - Ordinary World Joy Division - Love will tear us apart The Doors - The End The Verve - So Sister, The Drugs Don't Work, Sonnet, Space and Time Wilco - I must be high, I Thought I Held You, Should've been in love I have more but it would take me all night!

Personally, I think that you are just a very strong and independent woman who is moving on with her life. It seems that with all your hope and faith you are getting through this breakup very well. I think you really did love him it just took you a shorter time to realize that your ex is not worth stopping your life to cry over him. You are very correct on the issue of not wanting to talk to him. If you feel strongly about him lying and cheating then you should not have to talk to him. Personally I feel you should just remember the 4 years with him and leave him behind. Walk on and take some pride with you......When you posted about how faith in god has helped you, it gave me hope that what I am going through, all my prayers are not in vain and I will get through this. If you can get over your ex and not want anything to do with him, so can I. We have to believe that everything that happens no matter how bad it is, it is for the best and it will make us stronger. Your story gives me hope.

I feel relieved knowing you feel the same way........ Except I am ashamed that I still love my ex, even after he cheated and dumped me for her. But it baffles me that he doesn't care that while she was sleeping with him she was still with her boyfriend.....and from what I heard it took her a while to break up with the other boyfriend. I never cheated on my ex and he would always tell me that girls that mess around with guys are wh*r*s or sl*ts. I guess he just said that to make me feel like he would never hurt me. I know he will always be happy with that girl....it hurts cause he won't ever regret hurting me like he did. Oh well...life is not fair.

All of your insights are really helpful and I just pray that someday I will not have this feeling of sadness and pain. It is so weird about a month ago I was feeling so good about things, I thought to myself,"i can make it without ever seeing him or hearing him again in my lifetime" but then suddenly these feelings of "why doesn't he think about me?" and "why is he so happy when he hurt me so much by leaving?" I can honestly say that I did truly love him but now I just want to move on and never think about him just like he doesn't give a s**t about me. It's strange the way things worked out....he lied and left me behind and is truly happy, while I am just still trying to put my world back together alone and all by myself. Being alone for 9 months I have had a lot of dark times, wondering about what I did wrong, will I find somebody just like he did? Anyways, I sound like a broken record even I am tired of myself. Thanx guys....I just hope someday I will be able to look back and just laugh about what happened.

I am very disappointed in myself, after 9 months since he's left me for her, I still cry at night thinking about him. I overanalyze everything that went wrong and I get so sad thinking about how happy he is with her. I still get depressed some days to the point where I don't want to shower and I don't want to do anything, I just want to watch tv or sleep. Sometimes I think about why doesn't he call me or after three years of being with me why doesn't he want to see me. I have tried to move on...I went back to school and I try to meet new people but I still think about him. I miss him so much and I haven't seen or talked to him in like 8 months but what hurts the most is that he is so happy and living a stable life with her. It's hard keeping everthing inside and telling everyone that your fine and moved on when in reality I still hurt so much and still love him with all my heart. Right now I am crying as I write this wondering when will my life get better and when will I be happy just like he is. People say these things take time but I feel so pathetic that after 9 months I still cry and feel pain from him leaving me and just knowing he is with her. You may think I am crazy but I feel like she is so lucky cause she has him and she must be so perfect and beautiful because she took him from me. Will the pain ever end? When am I going to find my happiness? What did I do to deserve this? I tried to make him happy and all I wanted to do was love him. I feel so sad......

Bamber432 said moment of every day I want to see him, I want to call him. My life is nothing without him in it. Your life is worth more than him! I know it is hard to think that you will be a better person without him. But in time you will realize that you are going to come out of this 10x stronger. You need to let go and cut off all contact and slowly move on with your life, if he really loved you and cared for you he would not be putting you through this turmoil. You need take control of your life and not put it on hold for this guy who obviously does not have control of his life and his emotions. He is indifferent to what he is putting you through, it's just a game to him and it sounds like he is leading you on until something better comes along. Life is too short to let someone play with your emotions and to belittle yourself by putting all things on hold and groveling for this disgusting human beings love. This is coming from a woman who just stopped living because her boyfriend left her for someone else. I dropped out of school, I begged him for his love, I wanted to die if it meant not being able to be with him. And I kick myself today to realize that it took me 9 months to accept that he is not worth my tears and that I am worthy of someone who will love me no matter what. This breakup will make you grow as a person and you will be more smarter in your next relationship. If you need someone to talk to just email me @ email removed

Here is an update from my first post: link removed Hey Guys I just wanted to rant about how I have been feeling these days. I have been feeling good and I have improved (it has already been like 8 months since it happened). Then a setback....I have reamained friends with the girl who's boyfriend is still friends with my ex. She has really helped me through this and we would always talk. But then I felt I needed to just work my way through this alone and we didn't talk as much and I never called her anymore. Suddenly these past few weeks I she called me and informed me that my ex and his girlfriend (the one he cheated with and left me for) were in town and asked if they wanted to go out with them. She told me that she said no and that she would never want to be around that girl. I told her that she could do whatever she wanted to do and that I was happy for my ex that he found someone and was in love. I thought it would bother me but suprisingly I just felt that in order to move on i have to accept things. I was feeling fine after this news but then this week she calls me again to tell me that she and her boyfriend got in a fight and it involved us. She said that her boyfriend was boasting so much about my ex's girlfriend and how my ex said that she was "cooler and better than me and that they never fought" and then she said that my ex called me psycho and didn't want me to know that he was in town this week. uhhh...ok....listen I have not tried to contact this guy since the last time I saw him which was like in late october 2002. I just let things go and left him alone because he was happy now and even though I was hurting becausing all the lying and cheating he did behind my back I accepted it. It just baffles me that I truly loved this guy and I gave my all to him (including money and gifts which I don't regret today because I did it cause I loved him) and he can just make it known that those three years we were together meant nothing to him and I was just an object to compare to something else. I truly did think that in the end he would apologize for what he did to me but now it hurts (but it has made me wiser and stronger ) to know that he just used me. As for the psycho part I didn't stalk him I called him for like 2 and a half weeks after he broke up with me begging him to take me back and crying pleading with all my heart to love me. But then I just let it go knowing that he wanted to be with the girl he was cheating with behind my back. At first I cried a little but then I stopped and I didn't feel that much hurt and something inside me said that they are just words and they can't hurt me and they shouldn't curb my progress to finding happiness and trying to put back the pieces of my broken heart. In someways I am confused as to why he is so happy and in love when he caused all the pain and hurt....but I assume that is just the way life works the bad intentions always get good rewards. Maybe you guys can just give me some words of encouragement but I don't feel awful like i thought I would. I wonder when I will be able to look back and not feel a thing about this.....i guess time needs to run its course.....thanx guys for listening....any of you can email me...I really need someone to just lift my spirits because I just feel that I can't console in my friend anymore...sad to say this but I just don't trust her anymore...And she is the one who brings him up! I always tell her that I have moved on and I am just happy for him in finding his happiness But In my last sentence I will say this I won't waste my tears on him anymore.

Just give it time....people change and if you really love him let him find his happiness...i know it's hard to let go but in time you will realize why this happened and I know it is so sickening to imagine him with someone else but you will have to accept it and now there is no turning back in his decision...if his quest turns out to be miserable maybe he will realize what he had in you.....but only time can tell.....It has been a long 7 months but I find myself growing stronger and accepting that my ex has found happiness with someone else.....I know what your going through let's give each other strength by posting once in while and fuming out our feelings..... loner82

jdratx: that was a very beautifully written letter and I pray to god that this girl will read it and realize what a great guy that you are. But you wanted people's opinion so here's mine: I believe that if she truly did want to remain friends with you she would have contacted you by now. Maybe she just wants a fresh start wherever she is or maybe she has found somebody else (I have hoped everyday that my ex would call me these last 7 months but he is with someone else now, even if we were together for 3 years) sometimes people feel better running away from situations and not having to feel guilty about what happened....which I'm pretty sure she is feeling because of what she is doing to you by not trying to at least salvage your friendship....I know it's hard but maybe you should just not have any contact with her.....in time who knows what will happen but in the meantime I think you still are very hurt and not yet over this girl.....I just feel that if she was interested in anyway she would have made some contact by now in the 3 months since your breakup....sometimes I wonder what is going on in my ex's head if he still thinks about me or misses me regardless of his new girlfriend....you will have those feelings of emptiness and confusion but in time they slowly subside.....i hope my insight in your dilemma was much help.

I think if you send the letter he will most likely read it and then show it to his new girlfriend thus confirming that you are still not over him and boosting his ego. Don't give him that satisfaction.....you should take things into perspective and realize that he is not worth your time and effort....i know what your going through.....i still butcher myself about my ex and his new girlfriend (whom he was cheating with while with me), I get all sad and sappy just thinking how happy and in love they are but then i have to slap myself and realize that life goes on.....sure I'm lonely but I know in my heart I was faithful and truly loved this person. Just try to become a better person and improve on yourself and I know it's hard to try and not care what he is thinking or doing or saying but you have to move on and in time when you do he will come to realize what he did to you and maybe....just maybe.....in this all too cynical world....he will come to a crossroads and find that he could've had gold but instead he settled for bronze......

eNotalone has helped me greatly to cope with my breakup of my three yr. relationship. But I have to admit that sometimes when I read about other people's breakup I get so emotional....it seems as if the majority still have contact with their ex (with the ex who broke it off still calling or emailing the person in pain). It somehow makes me question what I did wrong in my relationship to the point where he makes no contact (added to the fact that maybe it's because he is in a happy relationship with the girl he was cheating with while with me). And like you said everyone's situtation is different, but gilgamesh is right when he says we don't see or hear what we want people to say. I will admit that i wish that someone could tell me the why's and if's of all my questions.....but i know that in my heart i will never have those anwers and no calls or emails....thus that is why at times i leave this forum full of good advice but in a way disappointed and unfulfilled. I know what I should do but find it hard to move on without closure or answers....but I think you made a strong point in saying that when something disastrious happens you right away want to know why??? but it takes time and patience to find out the reasons to this traumatic event.... if this sounds crazy I am sorry I am just trying to busy myself so I don't do something stupid like call or email my ex or pass by his house.......7 months you think i would be over it....it seems as if the pain is getting worser.......

Suzanne1281: It's very hard and frustrating with what your going through. I am pretty sure the majority of us have gone through the same ordeal. I was in a 3 yr. relationship with my ex who cheated behind my back and broke up with me to be with the girl he was cheating with. Do not feel as if your crazy for having feelings of revenge, anger, hate. But what I have found out these last seven months since this has happened to me....it just makes things worse and harder on you to think about the past and question if he is happy or will he stay with her. I know you so badly want him to feel the pain he has inflicted on you but it will only make you feel worse because it doesn't change what he did to you and you will always have that memory of what he did. Just be glad that you have a life going for you... your in school and you've got friends, and your young....I wish that I was in your shoes....I so badly want to move on with my life but I find it hard...it's as if I am stuck in limbo.....i put my life on hold for this person and he deserted me....look at the things that you have not at what you don't have. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.