royalwolf

Your letter: Remember that it is 99% for your own benifit. That being said, don't put anything in it that's vindictive, petty, or otherwise intended to hurt your ex. You will regret it then. He knows what he wants at this point, so you won't be able to convince him of anything new -- other than how you truly do feel. And in all honesty, you don't owe him that, either. But the pain WILL go away. And this move, the closure, will speed that up immensely. Put in the letter that you DO NOT want any response. That way you won't go nuts waiting for it. Hope that helps! Tom

Sometimes anger can be great medicine. I personally have a few ways to handle those "bad days..." I like to fish. If I'm feeling just melancholy, a little flyfishing on a quiet stream will put me at peace with the world. It truly is medicine. I also like to shoot. I have some military style guns (I am a collector of sorts) and so I can switch between "Enemy at the Gates" precision shooting to more just plain blasting cans/bowling pins. To harness a high-powered rifle and send dirt and clay pigieons into the air is, heh, well, quite a release. The noise feels good, too. If it's too late or bad weather for either of those things, a violent video game will help. I like Raven Shield. Totally fake, but loud and fast-paced, it really holds onto your attention. It helps to be totally focused on something other than your emotions. I know I sound like a destructive kind of guy now, but I'm not. I just know what I like. And I can't get into heavy music (metal, rap etc.) so I make my own noise. Hope this helps.

Slow down everyone. I'm a guy. But I'm almost 21 years old. You're FIFTEEN! You should be out at the movies with your friends, chewing bubble gum, and riding your bike to school! NOT feeling burdened with this kind of harsh real life. But the truth is, for whatever reason, you're in a very adult situation and feeling way too much pain. I say this not at all to trivialize what you're going through; I am sure that it hurts more than I can imagine. But this is to give you hope! You are a child, a girl who doesn't even know what high school will bring, let alone college and the rest of your childhood and young womanhood. Nobody can know who they want to marry (well, okay, some people probably can) at your age. But the pointy end of that stick is that everyone thinks they can. I know I did. Neither you nor your ex is in a position to be making choices like this. And you're both so young that emotions felt now won't even really have a bearing on who you are at 20, or 25. You will be a different person then. Simple and plain. (I hope and pray that the choices you make won't stick with you that long either. I hope you're using protection.) I would venture to guess that you'll be feeling better within a month. Not fine, but much, much better. He's not got his head screwed on straight yet (not that it's his job, at 15 -- hello, parents??) and my guess is neither do you. You sound like a sweet girl. This in time shall pass, and you will be much stronger for it. It will teach you many things. I wish you the best. Tom

Yes. What do you hope that this move will do? How could it make him want to contact you? He might give up hope (if that's what he's thinking). The best thing you can do is be patient and HONEST. This does not mean go crying to him about how sad you are, but just tell him how you really feel. Hopefully it will allow him to do the same and then, at least, you will both know where the other stands. Yes, it could. You need to be patient. I know it's hard. It could be any one of those things you rattled off in your post. The only REAL way to know is to ask him... but I'm guessing he doesn't really know either. TIME is what you both need. I know it sucks, because you want to fix the pain RIGHT NOW but please trust me, it will get better - a little each day. And only then can you even think about making clear decisions and evaluations of the situation. You are in a position in which he could hurt you badly (again?), so be careful. guard yourself against him (like you've been doing) and try to keep your mind off of him. Good luck and remember to pray. It helps, even if you think it doesn't. Tom

You're right. Thank you for your words. I got a long email from my ex when I got home from work yesterday and then we ended up talking on AIM for almost an hour. She's gone back to school now, and so she has left behind all the new friends and the new life (partying) she built over the summer. The gravity of her leaving me finally hit her this weekend -- she's solo-housesitting in a house where she and I housesat for her relatives many times. They have a hot tub and a big house... perfect for two youngsters in love but b-a-a-a-d for one broken-hearted girl. She and I had a lot of "firsts" there, if you know what I mean. She is finally feeling the pain and loss that I felt from the beginning. She is dazed and confused, and feeling incredibly guilty for putting me through this. She made it clear that she doesn't think she deserves forgiveness, but she wanted me to know she's sorry about everything. This was the first time I've talked to her since we broke up that SHE was the one who was weak, and I was strong. It was a huge change. It felt good to hear that she was feeling something -- anything -- but at the same time, to hear her pain through her words just tore at my heart. I wanted to give her this website address so she could find some comfort like I have here, but I know she'd recognize my username and that would make things harder for her. What we agreed upon is time. Time will tell us what we should do, and time will heal the raw open wounds. Perhaps someday we can talk as friends agian, or even as best friends again, but not now. Even though that's what we both want more than anything in the world. We said good-bye, and it was 100 million times a better good-bye than the one from the other night. So reconciliation is not in the picture for now. We both know that she's not in a place to be in a relationship and I'm starting to think that I'm not either. And as far waiting before starting anything new with another girl, well, the childish part of me wants to point out that my ex sure didn't wait. I love her for that, and a million other reasons. I think part of me always will. This thing with the other girl -- it would not be, in any way, and no matter how much I selfishly want it, a "relatioship." I will see her tomorrow and she leaves for college (6 hours away) on saturday morning. It has boggled my mind how I could be so concerned and hung up on my ex and yet at the same time be so taken with this new girl. I don't even know her that well -- it's just a crush, I guess. And I keep thinking that, even if it were only for one night, it would be a mistake I want to make. Bear in mind, that to me, this "one night" thing is about as innocent as it gets. Just to hold someone's hand and feel that I am capable of wanting and being wanted by another girl is sooo tempting. I realize that it would only confuse me more. But the excitement -- just entertaining the prospect of the above -- drowns out the sorrow. And her -- the reboundee? Part of me wants to think that she wants it just as bad, but is stronger than I am. I wouldn't be surprised. But then again, she's having a harder time than I thought with her own breakup. I think you're right about not telling her though. I will just try to show her a good time, and let her know that if she ever wants to talk, I'll be more than happy to oblige. Because whether she knows it or not, her presense this last week has helped me move on more than any other influence so far. Thank you for your post. I appreciate it a lot.

When it comes to circumcision, hygene/sex/anything else, there is no funcional difference. He'll keep it clean if he wants you to have anything to do with it. And just ask him if you're wondering. IM very HO if you're not close enough to someone to ask a question like that, you're not close enough to be in a position to wonder...

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you are the only one who knows him well enough to know. But it sounds cool that both of you have changed so much; but then again obviously you have a weakness for him. (I know how that feels, trust me.) I'd say wait and see what happens. Don't move fast, and feel the situation out. Time is on your side -- if he is not after the Real Thing, then he'll get tired and move on. These are my thoughts. Good luck! TOm

Nope, you're just like me. Well, I guess that doesn't rule out pathetic, but... I think the nail was hit squarely on the head with the fact that she's not spending enough time considering your feelings. You need to find out once and for all what she's thinking so that you can move on. I did this, and it hurt more than any other part, but within four days now I have progressed more than I did in the first two months. If she is interested in trying again, she WILL tell you. Making ultimatums sucks, but this is for your sanity. You can't live with being friends because you are in love with her; it's that simple. As "selfish" as it sounds, it has to be all or nothing, or else you will never be happy. I think it's time to let go, though that will be the hardest thing you've done yet. But you will feel SO much better after you can face that. That's when the healing can start -- and the best part is, you've already adjusted to being on your own and won't have to spend your time grieveing and missing "your girl" at the same time. Good luck. But you don't need luck, just time. Tom

Sounds pretty complicated to me; my guess is that it really caught her off guard when you said you'd seen other girl(s). Maybe that was part of the agreement you guys had, but even so, if it wasn't something she was thinking about, then it could have hit her like a wall (ask me how I know ). Now she sees that you might not be the right person for her AND in order to try and move on, she needs to not talk to you for a while. If she wants her stuff, she'll contact you. It sounds like you are not very committed to her (the other girl(s) is(are) a tip-off) and so you have to admit you don't really deserve that level of committment from her, either. Relationships have to HAVE TO be exactly 50/50. They are best when they're 110/110, though. Just my thoughs. Tom

This morning, I received this text message from my ex: Just like that, with the missing puncutation and seemingly unended thought. Very unlike her, and very unlike the calloused and unapologetic (not necessarily that she should have been apologetic) girl I talked with Friday night. What could I even say to that? I can't forgive her (yet?) for what she's done. But I still am very weak for her. And to see that kind of pain through something as innocuous as a text message was a warning flag -- especially for a girl who's been very depressed at times. I work with her mother (not a problem so far) so I mentioned it to her. I was almost afraid of putting her mom in the middle of this, but I think my ex needed to talk with someone and I am most definitely not that person right now. They spoke and I was glad to hear that she's okay; also I have to admit I'm glad she's having a hard time with this as well. I don't wish pain on her. But I guess it just reminds me she's human. And that the feelings that were so strong for so long have not evaporated completely. I think it was just a moment of weakness on her part; if any part of the girl I loved is still in there (I know there is) I know she's feeling incredibly guilty over this whole thing. Apart from that, I hung out with that other girl again last night. It seems very much like she's not interested in anything but being friends, and even like she's still pretty hung up on her ex as well. I will see her one more time (thursday) and I'm trying to decide if it would be good to mention to her that I became pretty taken with her in only a few days or if I should just let it go so as to avoid any awkwardness in future friendships. I always have fallen for girls so fast; why do I do that? All it takes is that she be sweet and show any interest in me at all. Wow. This is like three posts worth here. Thanks agian, everyone for your help before. And any thoughts, about any of this, would be greatly appreciated. Tom

Well, if it were me, and I was looking at you (I assume becaue I though you were cute etc.), I would not make any advance without some kind of a signal from you. A smile can go a LOOOONG way in boosting a shy guy's confidence. Eye contact, then broken, is to me a dismissal of interest.

It's hard, because the girls I fall for are always different. So. 1. Unique. Not weird, not "out there," but different in some way. 2. Friends first, with lots of laughing. 3. Pretty face, nice figure, though a good connection can trump looks, I suppose. I have to admit that I base a lot of my thoughts on visual cues. I am a sucker for a cute face and big eyes. And curves. 4. Solid foundation. I don't want a girl I can't trust or that doesn't know what she believes in. There are things in life that are wrong just because they are, and so the whole "party girl" thing turns me off. I can't respect girls who don't respect themselves or their bodies enough to see what's really important in life. So, I look for the perfect, non-existent girl. The one I thought I had found changed dramatically overnight.

I don't think that they will be able to be friends... friendly maybe but not friends. It's tough because I'm going on what they've told me. I just hope they can both get on with their lives even though they're constantly reminded.

Exactly the contrary. I don't think I was very clear on that. Being only human, and a guy, and in love, I was not able to immediately understand why my gf wanted to break up. And yet she still wanted to be friends, and she kept saying "this isn't the last time you'll be here at my house/in my bed/etc." But the end came when she broke it to me that she could not be 100% devoted to me anymore -- that is, not dating other people. But there was no way that I could be in contact with her and not be 100% devoted to HER. The only way that I have been able to move on at all is zero contact. This weekend I spoke with her and it was the biggest setback yet. However, If there is a desire by both parties to make the relationship work, it is possible. But when one person wants it the way it was and the other wants a major change, it will be difficult to compromise. Relationships exist to 1. make the other person happy and 2. make us happy. I would imagine a relationship works best (in my limited experiece, heh) when those two requirements are one and the same. But with a girl (or a guy, I guess) who doesn't even know what she wants I can't see that happening. And now, as I progress, I'm finding that I don't even know what I want. Would you really be happy with that? That's how I felt for a while too. But the reality is that it would be a compromise and neither of you would be 100% satisfied. So what's the point, again? It would just prolong the pain. I don't know your whole story of course, but if you think there's a chance that it might work and you both might be happy, then by all means, fight for it. I did. But I lost. And now I see that it was for the best, probably for me too, and I can finally move on. I "wasted my time" thinking it will work for about a month, and this was before the no contact started. But it wasn't a waste. It was very painful, but during that time I did learn how to have fun with my buddies again and distracted myself. So then when I had to face the truth (it was OVER) it was that much easier. Eventually you will have to stop living on the hope of reconciliation. This is when the turning point is. I'm sorry I'm rambling. This is so comlicated and so much of it is impossible to put into words. Just keep yourself busy and don't torture yourself thinking too hard about the past OR the future. In time it gets better. I hope that helps and doesn't just make it more muddy! Tom P.S. I learned most of this in the past two weeks or so. I'm a newbie at a lot of things, like feeling sad, and not knowing exactly what I want out of each day. But it's getting better. But being in lov e is just so much fun!

Simple: ask her first. Be curious about her childhood and her secrets -- but don't pry. It will start the conversation and you should be set.