AngelWater

I HAVE tried to help him with school and do his applications with him. I am still going to do it, I don't know how this time will be any different though. Now this is the new update. He came home for lunch today. I went to the gym because I wasn't going to wait around for when he got here. He got home a little bit before I did, but we still had time to eat lunch together. During lunch, he told me he had the best sleep ever lastnight sleeping in our bed. (Because he's been sleeping on a couch the last week or so.) He told me that he is going to stay here again tonight. I am so confused as to what his intentions are. I personally think he doesn't know what he wants. It's so stupid! I think that he is starting to change his mind about not wanting to be with me, yet he won't let his heart talk because he keeps ignoring his feelings. I think he feels like he HAS to not be with me...that it is the ONLY way he will accomplish his goals. I reassure him that this is not the case, that he can still do everything he wants to do and be with me, but he thinks it can't be done! I don't know what to do. Should I stay here and sleep in the same bed as him.....or should I stay here sleep on the couch...should I go somewhere else???? I just don't know. I almost want to just coast and see how things go, but at the same time I don't want to screw myself over.....I HATE this!!! But yet I LOVE it too!!!! Arrrgggghhh!!!

First off all...I'm not pregnant!!! *LOL* Well could be...but will just have to wait and see. As for him...he thinks that I am holding him back. This is because in the past I did hold him back....not my fault though. I was really sick and unable to work for alot of the relationship and the stress of paying the bills and the mortgage fell upon him. Also, we racked up alot of debt because I was unable to work. He told me he has some anger and resentment towards me and doesn't want to have these feelings for me. His exact words yesterday were "For our whole relationship I put 80% into eveything YOU wanted and 20% for myself" He said now he needs to put 100% towards himself. He said it's not that he doesn't want to be with ME....it's that he can't...he can't be with anyone right now. We also still have our house together. So there is no way we can do the whole NC thing. We have to see eachother quite often to get our affairs in order. We still have joint bank accounts...still have debts together...bills in both our names, etc, etc. Beec, he hates his job right now and wants to go to school. I know that because of my past situation, he feels like he can't go because he has to support me.....both financially and emotionally...(this is not the case now because I am doing fine, but I think he is just so affraid) He said he is affraid of dying and not being able to do eveything he wants to do. The main thing going to school to become a teacher. He also said that he wants to save up some money of his own. Just like you said...I DO want him to be the best that he can be....and he wants the same for me. This is just so messed up!!!

Thanks podpod for the reply. The thing is this. He told me that of course he still wants to be with me...but he needs to accomplish personal things for himself...he still has feelings of wanting to be with me and wanting to be in the relationship, but his personal feelings about what he needs to do right now are stronger than his feelings to be with me. I know that this break needs to happen.....it is the only chance for us....but now I think what is happening is that by seeing me and being with me his feelings are just getting more confused. He's said as much as this break up sucks...it needs to be done....but it's as if neither of us can let go. This is such a difficult situation because we are best friends too. We are eachothers whole lives...it's just so messed up!!

Hello Everyone. I've explained my situation before, but I will quickly go over it again for those of you who don't know. My ex and I were together for a little over 3 years...have a dog together and a house. We were arguing the last several months...really bad, but then things started getting better. All of a sudden he told me it wasn't going to work out between us because he needed to focus on himself...he said he knew he still loved me as a person, as a friend, wasn't sure romantically and was confused if he was "in love" with me and if I was still the person he wanted to marry. He was away for a week (on vacation with family) during which time I went out on fun casual dates...and he knew this. Anyway, when he drove back from up north, he came straight to our house after the long 8 hour drive. I was going out that night and was very non chalant with him. He told me he might come and stay at the house now....just sleep in the spare bed... When I hugged him to say goodbye he said "That wasn't a very good hug".....so he asked me to hug him again. Well after that day things started to get nasty. We were arguing about selling the house, and money and the division of our belongings...he was yelling at me on the phone and I told him I can no longer be talked to this way and was going to disconnect the phone. I was upset after the fight and called my mother....who HE had called and was talking to. I went over to my mother's house and when I got back later that night, he was at our house waiting for me to get back. Now things start to get crazy!!! He kissed me....then we slept together not once...but twice. Halfway through the second time I stopped because I started to get upset. Well he kept on going on and on about how hot I looked..(I got my hair done and lost some weight.) He said how he was really upset that other guys were going to get to sleep with me..) He left. The next morning he was supposed to drop of my credit card in the mailbox...there was a knock on the door and it was him. I went back to bed because I was tired and he crawled into bed with me, rubbing my back....cuddling with me...etc. We ended up having sex again... This is the BEST sex we have ever had......it's insane.. He's doing things that he never did before....and doing everything SOOOO much better!!! Well that morning he left and called me twice from work...for a silly reason...said he was going to come over that night to paint the house. I was at work that night... He came over, but didn't paint...instead he cleaned. I came home to an amazingly sparkling clean house. Sorry this is SO long...almost done. Yesterday he called me from work....said he was coming over that night to paint..after work he called me and asked me what I was doing for dinner.....he picked me up and we picked up some food and groceries...he also told me he was staying the night. We made dinner, talked, watched tv, had a really good time....then we had CRAZY, CRAZY sex!!!! INSANE...AMAZING!!! We were both SO shocked!! Then I got freaked out because I realized I should have gotten my period a week ago....I said don't worry, if I am pregnant I will get an abortion. (he knows I don't believe in that, but I said I would not to ruin his life.) He asked if I wanted to and I said of course not.... Then he told me that if I was pregnant, he wouldn't want to kill his child...and then he said..."Well it's not like I don't want to have a child with you....!!!!" What sense does that make!?!?! He broke up with me and then says this!!??? Anyway we went to bed together....cuddled.....(he is also being sweeter, more attentive...and more touchy feely....like the way that makes us girls feel so special....)and this morning when he left for work he told me he is coming home for lunch....we are still broken up and selling the house...but what the hell is going on!?!?!? Any advice and or opionions?????.....PLEASE!!!

Iminvertigo, I feel for you, and I know your pain and confusion. Everything you said I totally can relate to. You said I swear I feel like we are in the same boat. My guy actually said to me it's like he wants it, (meaning life) BOTH ways. He said this to me! He wants everything we have together and the life with me, yet at the same time he wants this independent life without me..(yet keep in mind he strongly stated how much he wants me a part of his "new" life, but just as friends.) Like what the hell is this!?!?! I told him I didn't think I could do the friend thing, and he said that is something he has prepared for, yet I think deep down he probably knows that I would still be friends with him. I really want to do the NC thing, but I don't think I can. The stupid thing about this situation is that it's not only like it's just him that wants me there "just in case," it's his father too! Him and even his father are still telling me how they love me, how I'm still part of the family, and how they want me in their lives no matter what. (which is of course what I want to hear.) But come on!! How am I supposed to get on with my life and over someone if I am hearing these things?? Just like your situation. How are you supposed to move on if you are getting all of these mixed signals!?!?? What you and everyone else have said make so much sense though. It seems like our guys are panicked right now. They do want the best of both worlds. It was hit right on the nail when someone said how they know what amazing people we are and want to keep us around as a backup. It's like they know that they need to do something for themselves and explore, yet at the same time although they say they "know" they are making the "right" desicion, they really aren't 100% sure. Otherwise, why would they still want us in their lives??? It's like they want to go off, do what they want to do and still know that when they have gotten this out of their system that we will still be waiting for them. I have been sitting here feeling really bad and so confused about whether or not I want to be his friend and I thought I had decided I was going to be, but you all have put it so clearly! Why should we give them the benefit of having us in their lives as friends, torturing ourselves the whole time because they are confused and unsure about what they want?? WHy should we hand everything they want and the world to them on a platter?? I think it makes alot of sense to not be friends with them, because then they will realize how stupid they were to have ever left us in the first place. And the sad thing is that you hear about this so often how the dumpee is so sad and lonely and down the road the dumpee is so happy and moved on, yet the dumper wants them back and then they are the lonely one. I have even thought of this situation, and I am affraid for HIM, that this will happen. I am affraid that I can or will move on, (even though I know things could be great with us.) but I am so affraid that in the end, I will have gotten over him and he will suffer, realizing that he's made the biggest mistake of his life. I love him so much, I don't want that to happen!!! Let me just end by saying. Relationships suck!!!!

I was really upset lastnight and talked to a friend who was so tramatized by her last breakup that she hasn't been in a serious relationship again. She said something to me that I didn't even think of. Let me tell you, that SHE was the one that ended it with her long time relationship. I think sometimes we are so focused on our pain and hurt and "how could they do this to US." Well she told me that as hard as is it is for me to imagine this, the Dumper usually is actually more upset than we are. She told me that she just knew it had to be ended, and sometimes you just know this. (Keep in mind I still don't understand how you can just "know.") Anyway she said imagine all the pain that I am going through right now...and then imagine the person that you still love but just "know" you can't be with them...well imagine that they are feeling just as bad and YOU caused it. She told me that as bad as we the dumpee feels, the dumper feels even worse because they have to deal with their own feelings of sadness, not to mention the feelings associated with how bad they have hurt us...the person that they still love. (Because usually they still do love us.) I know what you are saying about them being selfish, I still think that too...but she told me, that is this person really being selfish. THey are doing what you can't do.... I mean we are upset because they hurt us...and just assume that they aren't hurting....well all the pain that we are going through was caused by someone else....their sadness was caused by themselves.....so yeah, they could stay in the relationship and not have us sad, and not have them sad...but if they really need to do something and feel that something is not right, they are being selfless by ending it. Maybe they are affraid of hurting us even more in the long run and would rather have them be sad too right now if it means be honnest with themselves and with us. I don't know what anyone else's situation is, but mine is a little odd. My man did tell me that he needs to do is own things, but he is was very strong about saying he wants me to be a part of it...just not as his girlfriend.....his father even told me this saying that they both had talked about it and I was still part of the family and they wanted me in their lives no matter what. So it's not that he's being selfish and running away from me....because he still wants me there. He just can't give the relationship everything because of his needs right now and doesn't want to possibly hurt me more in the long run. As much as it hurts me to say it...he's actually doing something very mature. My friend also said to me this. "You have to realize that it's staying in the relationship is the easy way to go....sometimes even though it is the hardest thing to do, the relationship needs to be ended and you just know it's the right thing to do." So for all of you who think this was "done to you." (that's me included) Just remember that your ex probably still does love you and they are hurting too. This wasn't icing on the cake for them. Think how bad they are feeling knowing they love you but for some strange reason, they KNOW it's better this way, or at least think they do....and also knowing that they are hurting you...the person they love. We are not the only ones hurting. As much as we want to hate them and despise them, just remember this. If we projet hate into this world, it will come back to us...and if we project love and understanding, that will come back to us. Whether it be with the person you are thinking of now, or someone else, what do you want coming back to you?????

Hey everyone. I just need someone to listen today. I had a really rough night lastnight...no reason in particular just lots and lots of memories. Everything I do and everywhere I look are full of so much happiness. Aren't you supposed to remember all the bad times once it's over with someone and how bad they treated you?? Aren't you supposed to become angry with them and remember all the annoying things they did?? Why do I keep thinking about the times that I thought were SO bad and they really weren't?? Or how I took EVERYTHING that he did for me for granted?? I keep thinking of all the amazing times we had together and how some people never were treated how we treated eachother. (In a good way.) None of this makes sense to me. I guarantee that any one of you could post a random word and I would have a great memory to go along with it. I just keep hoping and wishing and hoping and wishing that he will realize how great we really had it and that he will come back to me. I feel so empty and alone right now, like my heart was ripped out...or at least the majority of it and I have this tiny, pathetic piece of a heart left. The hardest part is because we have a house to sell, I am not going to be able to do NC...so how am I ever going to stop feeling this way!?!?!? I just am filled with such a tremendous sadness. Yeah sure, I can go out and have fun...or even laugh, but it's all a front. I actually feel physically sick when I think about the situation. I can't eat all day...and by the time the day is half over, I realize I HAVE to eat, so I make myself eat something....then I feel even more sick than I did in the first place. I can't sleep, I am having nightmares and waking up just having a night terror. I don't think this is normal!!! I truly, more than anything really believed that I was going to marry this man and have children with him. I can't accept the fact that I'm not going to anymore. I keep holding on to a false hope that I will and that everything will be ok once he gets whatever is going on with him out of his system. I keep on telling myself that once he is away from me for a little while he will go crazy without my love. I mean, I imagined myself getting old with him and growing old with him. I actually had a vision in my head and pictured us old with our children grown up and with grandchildren. HE even talked about it. I know it is so cliche to say this and it is all supposed to get better, but how can you get on with your life, when this other person was supposed to be in your life until the day you DIE???? And we even talked about how we would still be together after we died......I remember once telling him if he died, I would never marry or be with anyone else.....so really what's the difference now?? I gave him everything I had and we had such a special bond....I just can't understand how and/or why it was broken...The sad thing is I know that it's not broken because when I see him I can tell he still wants us....but for some reason another part of him is saying no to us. I HATE THIS!!!!!

Believe me music for the soul, I do indeed understand. My guy, I still can't even bear to use the other word....well he feels that he needs to go through personal changes, just as I feel I need to....he said he wants us to go through these changes together.....just not as a couple....as friends. I know how you feel. You want to cut of all contact to make it easier on yourself, yet you still want to take a chance...you want there to be hope. Only you can decide if you are willing to risk it all and get hurt again. It is 50/50 either way, but you have to prepare yourself for the outcome...either way. What I am talking about focusing on yourself, this still can be done, even if you decide you want/need him in your life. Instead of putting all the focus on him and your friendship/relatioship with him, the focus has to be on yourself. Bettering yourself, loving yourself, and accpeting yourself. By the time you feel so amazing and love the person you are, you won't care if you are with him or not. I keep on crying and getting sad on and off all day long...I was crying because I saw the toothpaste in our sink..(it's his favourite kind that we used to use.) I mean I cry opening the cupboards and I see nuts that we bought last week at the market. I KNOW it is difficult. You just have to try and be true to yourself as cliche as that sounds and fight for yourself to pull yourself together. You have to try to take your own advice if you were telling this to a friend. It is hard, but in the end, you will know why it happened...at least that's what I am telling myself to try and feel better.

Music for the soul, You said: You have to realize what you have said. You tried to change. Was it for him? Probably. Was it not to lose him and to try to hold on to the relationship? Most definitely yes. YOu need to want these changes for yourself. You need to strive to make yourself a better person. Also, whatever happened was not all of your fault, a relationship is about TWO people, not just one. I know what you are saying about how neediness can poision a relationship. This happened to mine also. I also tried to change...MANY times...but for the wrong reasons...for him....to keep him.....to have the relationship. Now I have come to realize that yes.....not just one, but many things I did in the relationship were unhealthy and did contribute to my breakup, but so did things he did. However, I can only focus on what I did and how I can improve myself as a human being. I have realized that if I don't change these negative patterns in my life and I don't take full control and responsibility of MY SELF, all of my relationships will be doomed. They will be great and work out for so long, but they will never, ever reach their full potential. And by relationships I mean with everyone. Friends, family, lovers, etc. I turned into a needy, insecure, volatile person. Someone I did not want to be. I have two choices, and so do you. You can feel sorry for yourself and blame yourself how everything was your fault. You can be destructive and never move on......or..... You can take full responsibity of your half of the problems that contributed to the end of the relationship, stand up and decide that you want to change yourself for YOU, for YOUR future, and to improve, YOUR life. Which person do you want to be?

Brandell, I don't know what you, or anyone else has experienced, but the week before the breakup, and more so the past couple of days when I pretty much knew it was coming, and then it did come, I have been having these crazy spiritual experiences. And by crazy I mean, I thought all the talk about God (not trying to offend anyone) but I thought it was stupid and silly and so pointless. I thought that people praying were wasting their time. Now I am experiencing and feeling that there is someone out there, and it feels crazy to me...it is so foreign. I am one of the people that I used to look at and think, they just don't have enought strength to do it on their own, so they have to believe in this fake entity. All I know is that there is something out there and the strange thing is that something spiritual has been happening to my ex too.....his father told me taht he noticed this. And my ex was even more of a disbeliever than me.....just some interesting things to think about. Also, I have hit rock bottom, I truly have. It's not just losing someone for me, it's losing my whole life as I knew it. We lived together, have a house together, dog together, debt together....everything together. So I have hit rock bottom and now I've realized that I need to change myself before I can truly be happy with him, or anyone else. So my opinion is that as much as you want to change and try to change, #1 it will never happen unless the changes are for yourself and #2 these changes can only happen if you hit rock bottom. The worst possible time in your life so that you realize these changes are nessessary so that you don't continue the same destructive patterns and so that you change your whole life.

First of all, I want to say that I truly feel for all of you and the pain you are going through. Just remember that if we stick together, we can and will heal, even if it takes a long time. *LOL* I agree with what you were saying about someone sorting out their self first before they can be in a relationship. Look at it this way. For something to work out and be successful, no matter what it is, you need to have a stong foundation, whether it be a house, a relationship, anything. In a relationship, what is the foundation? TWO people, TWO individuals, TWO hearts. Now what happens, say if one person starts losing themselves....or what if that person has never fully experienced life to the fullest and hasn't found themselves in the first place? You put this into the equation of a relationship, and really, what can anyone expect but disaster. I'm not a pessimist, it just makes sense. Many people feel like they have not "seen the world," or experienced everything they wanted to or felt they need to experience. If a person feeling this way is in a relationship, even if they love the person with all of their heart, and are affraid of losing this person.....even if they can't imagine their life without this person, they may still realize that they need to focus on themselves first. Because if they are not happy with their individual life, there is no possible way that no matter how great....or even how bad a relationship is for that matter, that they will be happy with you. It is not your fault. They need things for themselves, that it is impossible for you to provide. In the end they will probably find themselves....and maybe they will come back to you....maybe you will find eachother, but no one knows. Here's a point to consider: Maybe our exes are not the only ones that need to find themselves. Remember, our exes should not be in control of our happiness, we should.

Reborn, I know what you are going through and something that I can say really helps is coming to this site. I just found it on Tuesday before my breakup actually happened, and I liked it. Now that my break up has happened, (on Thursday night), I love this. I truly don't know what I would do without all of the wonderful, supportive people here. I hope we can make a difference to you, just like you all are making a difference to me. I actually came on here crying yesterday and after reading the pain and sorrow that so many others are going through, I didn't feel so alone. After reading all the positive things people who have been here but overcome it, I realized I too can get through it. Reborn, or anyone else for that matter, if you need someone to talk PM me...or continue to write and come on this....all day if you have to for the next weeks or months to come. I know that together, we can get through this and will come out on the other side as stronger, better people.

Hey David! Thanks for your insight. It is so true about wanting happiness for the other person. That is actually what I told him. I love him so much, with all of my heart that ultimately if he is happier without me, than I would rather have him be out of my life. But the weird thing is that just today he told me that he really does want me in his life. His father told me this too and said how I am still a part of the family and that they love me and that they want me to be in there life some way. My guy told me that of course he could never just cut of contact with me because I am still one his best friends. I feel like there are all these signs that he doesn't want it to be over, but he just keeps on saying that "its the way it has to be." I love the words of the poet you mentioned: "Absense lessens the minor passions and increases the great ones, as the wind douses a candle and kindles a fire". I truly hope that our love is strong enough and that our passion is one of the great ones. I feel that sometimes for two people to be together, they have to find themselves and become better people, before they can be healthy together and reach the full joy and capacity of what it really means to be "in love." And what it really means to be a couple. We have both realized that we lost ourselves in the relationship, and now realize that to live a full, happy life, we have to be content with ourselves first. We weren't content with ourselves, neither of us and that is mainly what lead to our downfall. I hope that by doing what both of us need to do separately for our own individual selves, that we can end up together in the strongest, relationship with an amazing foundation. I just hope that we really are a great passion.

It always seems that we get blamed for somone else's unhappiness. Just like you said. They are really unhappy with THEIR personal issues, and if they end up leaving us the issues that bothered them in the first place are still there. My man just told me lastnight that it was over. He told me that he still loved me, but just wasnt' sure if he was "in love" with me. He said he was really going to miss the relationship but it was something he "had" to do. He said he has gotten no sleep this past week, hardly eaten anything and that he has been crying non-stop everyday. HELLO!!!! Why would he want to end things then. It's almost as though he has convinced himself that this is the only way. Or it really is for the better. I simply asked him "If you KNOW this is the right decision then why are you so upset about it??" He couldn't really answer me on this. He said he needs time for himself, which I totally understand, but like you said I think he believes or had convinced himself that to grow as an individual he needs to end the relationship. I understand that you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. But if you already love someone else, why can't they be a part of your growth??? Ya know!? He is so weird because he even told me that he really wants me to be a part of his changes, just not as his girlfriend. Does that make sense to anyone.. come on!?!?!? I just don't understand men!

I too know how you all feel. My boyfriend just told me lastnight that he doesn't think he is "in love" with me. I guess the same sort of thing that your girlfriend said to you Chai. My man said that he knows he still loves me as a person and as a friend, but he doesn't think he loves me romantically anymore. It is just SO hard to make the pain go away. I agree with the not eating and sleeping. And maybe it's different for girls, but crying 24 hours a day while having huge pounding headaches. You are the hungriest you have ever been but every time you take a bite of food it tastes like acid, or platic, anything but food. You are so tired, yet as soon as your head hits the pillow, all you do is rethink, and drive yourself crazy about the blur of events that have just happened. I am here for you guys, 'cause I truly understand when you say this is the worst pain you have ever gone through. I am going through it too.

Hello everyone! I am going through a really complicated situation and just wondering what everyone's views are on when someone says they need space....well more like they say they think they need it but don't know and are confused.....and also ways to prevent a breakup. I'm not broken up yet, but literally hanging on a thread meaning that any little good or stupid things I do could make it or break it. At least that's how I feel now. Anyone feel free to respond, but guys out there, you think differently then us women, so please talk to me!

Hey there. I am wondering the same thing. Things have been progressively getting worse with my boyfriend and I. We have gone to 2 counselling sessions in the past 1.5 months and things were starting to look up. I realized that there was ALOT of stupid things that I was doing to poison the relationship. The main thing that I was acting and being extremely needy. We bought a house a year and a half ago and have been living together for a little over 2 years. WE have been together for 3 years. We talk about kids, marriage, the future, EVERYTHING. WE had a counselling session this past Wednesday and he talked about all the things he loved about me, one being that I love family and he knows I am going to be such a good mother. Things started going good with the counselling and me just realizing things I need to change, such as having my own life....he needs to get his own life too. In the midst of all this change, this past Sunday I made a HUGE mistake, overreacted and told him to get out. (I have never told him to leave before.) He left for the night and went to stay at his dad's. He didn't come back that night. (That has NEVER happened before either.) Sometimes he would go to a friends to cool off, but he always came home. This is where things stand now. I called him at work yesterday to appologize for being an idiot and tell him that I knew I overreacted and was embarrassed about what I did. I told him I was sorry I kicked him out and that I didn't really mean it. He said "we need to talk." He NEVER says this, it is always me. We arranged to talk lastnight and this is what happened. He came home and started unhooking our playstation 2. I asked him what he was doing and he said his dad and dad's girlfriend are going to watch a movie. I said oh, ok, and went out to the car to say hello to them. My boyfriend came outside and plopped down in his father's car. I said to him "What happened to our tal!". He said "We can talk tomorrow night, tonight I just want to relax and watch the movie. I asked him if I could talk to him privately for a second and he said yes. I quickly told him how I thought it was very rude of him to suggest we talk that night, have me wait for him, and then him blow me off, but I also said I understand he needed space and I would give that to him..but I still didn't appreciate what he did. He said that he wanted to come over tonight and that we have to have an "adult" talk. I said to him lastnight "I know we can't get into details tonight because you have to go, but could you just tell me if you want to break up, or try to work things out, and then we'll discuss details tomorrow." He said "I don't know. I'm really confused." And I just don't know what to do. The past two weeks even though everything has been going good, he started saying how he needed space and maybe a break from us. I don't know if this is the space he needed or what. I am just SO affraid that he is coming here tonight to tell me it's over. I will keep you all posted as to what happens over the course of the day, week, etc, and what works, what doesn't when someone says they need space. I am going crazy at this point in time. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. PLEASE HELP!!!!