iminvertigo

Everyone I know and love lives at least 3 states away. We were supposed to meet tonight and do you KNOW WHAT HE DID HE TURNED OFF HIS PHONE. I feel so lonely and empty. Oh by the way I wrote I do not know how to let him go earlier. I dont know how to process all this. I feel as if I have been shot. I feel ill. I can't..

Well although I feel like a complete idiot I just need to vent and cannot put my poor friends through it anymore. We were together for two years. 3 times during the relationship he started to act distant and took time apart because he want sure if "wanted to be commited," "needed to figure things out", "didnt know if i was the one" etc. Finally 3 months ago he was starting to act weird again, so I told him I could not do it anymore and that it was not fair to me. We agreed that we would stay together to fix up the house and close on it. One week before the selling of our house we were in Vegas for a wedding and he asks me to be with him , tells me he does not want to be apart, etc. I did not respond. We get back from Vegas and I tell him we need to talk about things.He states that he wants to be together but does not want to live to gether anymore. I did not say anything. I was so confused and hurt. We closed on our house last Thursday and now are living apart and looking for apartments. I thought a lot over the weekend and realized( well I always knew but did not want to admit it to myself) that this "being together but living apart" is just a way for him to experience being a bachelor again and to not have the inconvience of a live in girlfriend. It is like I would be a girlfriend when it was convienient to him. It would also be easier for him if he did indeed decide he likes being alone instead. I understand that a relationship should be separate of your living arrangements, but I do not trust his intentions. I can see it now. 3 months ( most likely a week will go by) and he will beg for me to come back, then 6 months down the road he will do it again. I think if two people are committed in their hearts, it can work, but I do not believe he is. And until I see that I know what I have to do. I have been strung along for two years, and although he truly is my best friend and my heart, I told him last night I cannot do this. I have nothing more to give and need to come first to someone. I told him if he doesn't love me just let me go. He stated he wanted to meet face to face and I agreed, so that is the next step. I know I have to be strong and end it then. How do you end something you know is wonderful, how can you let someone go because they are scared. I do not know how to let him go and I am in agony inside. I have been through worsei n my life, but it sickens me I have met the man I want to be with and I have to let it go. I just do not know if I can do it. I am just the type who thinks that people need to work through things and not give up, but I also know I need to respect myself. I know many people say they met the one, but I really did. It was finally that feeling of finding someone who gets you, who you can be totally yourself around , someone you can tell everything... and so much more. I have posted before about this situation that I keep letting go on, I keep this vicious circle going on and on. This is hell. Any words would be appreciated. Thankyou.

Here is the story and I need to share because I am sad, angry, hurt and confused. I was in a wonderful realtionship, we had so much fun together. It was truly like dating my best friend and he felt the same. We both agreed we had never bonded with someone like this before. We could be ourselves with each other, make each other laugh and have an intense passionate time. Things started to change. He was distant to me, emotionally unavailable, and he stopped being intimate with me. This lasted for amonth and a half and everytime I had enough, he would chase me down and say he didn't want to break up. He asked me to move in with him and I did, changing my home, my job my life. One night about a week ago I sat him down and told him that it just seemed it wasn't working and as someone who cares about him that we need to end it. The next day as I was packing my things, he was so forlorn and did not want me to leave. We agreed to spend the day and night together before I lfet. It turned out to be one of the best days we had ever had together, like it was in the beginning. I left the next day and he then said he wanted to take some time and think about things and talk in tow weeks so he could figure things out. I left with a full heart but when I got to my parents ( all my things are at his house) I called him and said that was not a good idea. It was too open ended, too painful, we need to end it or not. He came over to explain things to me. He told me that about a month and a half ago that he realized he did not want to be monogamous but stayed with me because I was going through a difficult time and he thought I needed him. He said he was not ready for acommitment and was really confused, he did not know what he wants. He said he had never had a friendship with a woman like he has with me and wanted to keep that, he said he was afraid of losing it. He said he loves me ( first time I heard that) and maybe thought I was more serious that I really was. He then made it clear that he wanted to continue to hang out and quite possibly have an intimate relationship. He said he did not think we should tell each other about other people in our lives, and that it would take him a while to get over me. He also said he felt like he put me through hell and he felt terrible. He said he moved to fast and then I changed my life for us to live together and now he has put me in an awful position. He then wanted to cuddle and hang out. He also still wants to go ont he trip we had planned when we were together at the end of August to Mexico. He says there is noone else he would rather go with . It has been a week since this happened and he is emailing me everyday about the trip, he even emailed me asking me to go to dinner with him and his parents tomorrow night. He also has called several times to talk. I am so numb, hurt and confused right now. I do love him and consider him a best friend and don't want to lose that. It kills me to think of him with another woman. I wonder how can he not be sad and hurt and pick up being friends with me after this? Or if he is sad and hurt but is afraid to lose me. WHy does he still want to go on trips with me? It is just like he wants what we had but doesn't want to be tied down. I am so confused and any opinions someone can give me would be greatly appreciated. This is so hard.