Andrina

IMO, those words he said are normal coming from a friend. But, of course, as you know, those feelings should have transformed to love after a whole year with you. Doesn't really matter why, as people are complex, plus they might not be truthful if you asked the reason. If it were me, I couldn't feel comfortable moving on with someone in this one-sided situation. If you continue, I'd definitely set a timeline of no more than 4 months more before breaking it off. I did have a female friend who dated a guy and he never told her he loved her, and she refused to say it unless he did. They dated a year and a half and broke up for a bit when she found he was still in communication with exes. They got back together and were planning on buying a house together. I told her I'd never buy a house with a man who never told me he loved me. She did so anyway, and sure enough, after another year and a half together, she found out he was once again communicating with exes. It was true that he didn't love her since a man who loved a woman wouldn't do her dirty like this. She ended up buying him out of the house. Just one instance that I know of where a man didn't break up with a woman he didn't love, for whatever reason, and how it all did not end well.

Listen, most people do things in life they regret and feel guilty about, including me. This moment shall pass, and you've already learned something from the experience and will likely not repeat what has made you feel crappy. Having chemistry with someone is only one element of choosing a partner. Even if she was suddenly single, you've found out her preferences for relationship boundaries greatly differ from yours. That in itself makes a romance with her unwise to pursue. You've barely ever been in each other's lives, so it should be easy for you to go back to that or totally cut her off. If you still plan on seeing her at any time, it's totally okay to stop her from discussing any off-limit topics with you like she did on this occasion.

The way I think of it is, that if I'm in a melancholy mood, listening to, plus sometimes singing the song, is like speaking to a friend who either just listens with a sympathetic nod or even relates their own similarly sad experience so that you know you're not the only one. Versus if you actually vented or shared something irritating or sad with a friend and they said something like, "Well look on the bright side." Or, "Tomorrow will be a better day." Would end up irritating you in that moment just as a bouncy song would, like, I'm Walking on Sunshine. In your mind you'd just think, "Oh, shut up."

This post had me thinking of the hilarious scene in The Hangover, when the groom and groomsmen are having a bachelor party in Vegas. All the guys are dressed to the nines except the bride's dorky brother. (I actually went to this movie with a guy from OLD many moons ago.)

It's like you sabotage yourself with this negative self-talk. I'm guessing you're convincing yourself of this so you can stay holed up and wallow, which is safer than getting out into the world and being vulnerable to meeting men in 3D. Most people do have preferences for personality traits and physical attributes they like, but to think that nobody in your town and surrounding towns will attract you in the least is a ridiculous notion. How about joining some Meetup.com groups, and do some volunteer work. Who knows? One day you might meet someone who didn't meet every little detail of your wish list and you will be pleasantly surprised. Being open to this instead of closed off in what you think is a safe bubble is in your best interest. As you can see, "safe bubbles" are really fantasies that end in people leading lonely lives.

Can I ask why you even wish to continue since you don't enjoy his company? He's not affectionate. Your involvement in his life is stagnant at perhaps what might be normal at the four month mark in dating. Your reasonable requests of things that would make you happy were pooh-poohed. Isn't that a sign he doesn't care about you the way your SO should? For women, having sex is said to have a biological effect that'll have you wanting to bond with a man, even if he's not an appropriate partner. Could that be the reason you're wanting to keep him, plus perhaps you feel like you've invested 2 years of your life into him? If so, those are not good reasons to stay with someone leagues below what you deserve. Why not free yourself and stay single a while to mourn, heal, and move on? With this dating experience under your belt, you will have learned more about your must-haves and dealbreakers, which will help you in any future dating experiences. Take care.

Let's just say you two decided to become romantic. The fact you already live together would spell major disaster. It is not like the normal pace of dating, where two people live apart, see each other once or twice a week at the very beginning, with a healthy progression for each new stage of the relationship. Living together would not happen for a minimum of a year if a person is wise about dating. You're becoming way too immersed in her life. She has set a boundary about not dating, which you seem to be trying to read another way in wishful thinking. Don't become immersed in a one-sided emotional affair whereas you're not allowing yourself to fully heal from your last relationship. When you are eventually ready to date, if you get too close to this roommate, other women will spot this as a red flag and avoid dating you. Now's the time for you to spend time with supportive buddies and get on with your normal hobbies/interests. Don't get into relying on numerous time with this roommate. When she's settled, she'll likely get back into her own routine which might involve less time with you, and then you'll be reeling with grief when your expectation falls flat. How old are you two?

Hybrid, There is a clear pattern seen on this forum from other posters like you who falsely feel an emotional safety in cyber romance versus a real-life, local social life. The people who solely use the barrier of a screen and technology for romance, always LDRs, usually are insecure, feel like they lack resiliency, have emotional baggage from past cheating or family dysfunction, have low self-esteem, feel socially awkward, etc. And then the poster ends up here, emotional wrecks, because their cyber partner has so many toxic issues, aren't who they said they were, etc. There is no way to find happiness among all this dysfunction. It's time for you to take a break from the computer. You're not going to be successful in romance until you spend quite a bit of time on building a healthy, local social life. Working on being resilient to handle any of life's normal stressors. Creating a happy life solo for yourself, which will eventually be really attractive to a future mate. A woman is attracted to a man who will expand her life, not make it smaller. If all your leisure time is spent in your bedroom on your computer, that's a red flag. I'm not saying that's what you do, but guiding you out of what you believe is a safe space (it's not). Are you in college? If so, there are clubs you can join that appeal to you. If you're not in college, there are still plenty of clubs/hobbies/interests you could be passionate about. Start looking into something to join. If you're an introvert, that might be challenging to you, but it's okay to feel nervous and not confident when trying something new. It's normal. And then you'll feel proud of yourself for getting out there and doing something good for yourself. I know I was always excited to experience new things that a date would share with me about his own interests. In my life, that included: watching velodrome bicycle races, watching stock car races, seeing the family's bird farm, going to concerts for entertainers I hadn't formerly listened to but then became a fan of. Read some books on building resiliency, social skills, and a better self-esteem. There will be skills you can practice. Be proactive now and your future self will thank you. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I'm shocked you're calling him your boyfriend after 90 days of no word from him. Geez, you sure do hang in there far, far longer after mistreatment than the average person. I believe, perhaps, you will stop doing that if you ever are successful in achieving self-love.

Is she English too, or not? Just wondering if you plan on remaining in that country or moving back to your home country. It'd be so helpful right now to have supportive family around right now to help with the little ones, if in fact you have a kind family. You might also ask for mediation in hashing out rules that are in the best interest of the children. Perhaps it could be agreed upon that the children not be around adult partners until a certain timeframe has been met. Just because you're living at the golf course doesn't mean that you can't do outings solo or with the children when they are with you. Since writing things down made you feel better, make a list of priorities in order of importance. Whenever you can tick things off that you've completed, you might feel some accomplishment. Sometimes it's good to get a few lower on the list ticked off to knock a few off, even if they are not as important as the ones higher on the list. Maybe you can also get some child psychologists for the children and have a 3rd party, impartial professional to gauge why exactly they are so upset at their mother's place. Take care.

How very strange that you two didn't arrange such an important thing, a discussion about trying to date, at a place outside of her workplace. Do either of you enjoy leisure time at places that don't involve a pool bar and drinking alcohol? I'd say if I messed up this bad because of alcohol use, the way to prove this that this egregious behavior wouldn't happen again is to no longer imbibe. But apparently this seems like your social life revolves around this place and that's what your friends do, too. So I'm guessing you won't want to change a thing. If not, at least arrange for Uber or a taxi for those outings since you drove incapacitated that night, and it could happen again with worse consequences next time. She really doesn't sound that serious about taking it to a dating situation since she blew off the talk when it'd been scheduled. I'd leave the ball in her court since you already explained yourself. What's your relationship history and the reasons past relationships ended?

I can attest to the feeling of revulsion. I've always had a lot of empathy for people but also had minor moments of being a jerk when I was a teen. When I was 18 I met an attractive guy at a dance, but was not gaga over him. I could tell the chemistry wasn't at a max for me but ended up dating him for 4 months. When I broke up with him and told him I'd met someone else, he told me he still wanted to date me even if I was also dating the other guy, but that he would not be dating any other girls. I told him no, that I'm never one to multi-date. He cried and asked if I'd mind if he jogged around my block because jogging made him feel better when he was upset. I felt like a jerk for being repulsed and just wanted him to go away. Couldn't wait until he drove off. But those were real feelings that were invoked by someone who was misguided and stuffing his dignity, value, and true wishes for measly breadcrumbs.

Is this your first attempt at an LDR? I guess what you should learn from this is that better discussions need to happen before a first meet to make sure you're not wasting a lot of money. Why hadn't you said to him something like, "Okay, if I go there and we get along, how will this work? With work, custody, arrangement, finances, how many times a year will you be able to come my way for visits? This is the amount of time I can spare..." Did you envision, or even think about, how one of you would have to totally uproot your life if things did work out? And since you say he has kids, it probably wouldn't be him. I'm just saying that I don't think people consider all of these things when dating long distance, since the Internet and modern technology makes it seem like such a small world, but it really isn't. Because LDRs have so many cons, it's the very reason I rejected LDRs when I was single. Dating is a lot like digging through a lot of sand before finding the treasure, so in doing this locally, you're never out more than a cup of coffee and a few hours of your time if it's a no-go. As you can see, you have a lot of anger because you invested much more energy, time, and money into this and expected a bigger payout for all of that. Rethink your strategy and expectations in early dating because what you're doing now isn't working for you.

If you have to feel like you're some circus performer to catch her eye, then it's obvious you sense she's just not into you as bf material. Her saying for you to contact her on some given day in the future spells more of the same. Speaking as a woman, if I were into a guy, and was truly sick on the day we were supposed to do something, I'd be the one keeping the interest alive by contacting him with flirty texts and suggesting a new, particular date to get together. Try Meetup.com groups to meet women outside of any work situation. It's less stressful than OLD and also avoiding the awkwardness of seeing a woman every day at work when the dating situation didn't work out.

Hopefully, when you get some distance from this relationship, you will realize a few things: 1. Your pool of future dating prospects will only include women with severely poor self-worth, because a mentally healthy woman won't accept you have this woman you "unconditionally loved" as a friend. A dating prospect will gather that there is something different about this friendship, and I believe it would be unethical to keep the history of who this "friend" is from a person you're dating. As a side-note, I don't believe in unconditional love for a SO. A partner needs to behave within normal, loving relationship boundaries to retain me in his life along with my love. 2. If she were a decent, caring person, she'd be intelligent enough and kind enough to know that retaining a connection with you is cruel. A lack of ethical tact will be especially revealing about her if she gets back together with her ex yet still keeps in touch with you. Do you really think her ex will be okay with this, or will she keep it a nefarious secret? Love triangles can be very dangerous, as in fodder for about 1/3 of reality murder mystery shows.

So he cares more about letting the enjoyment of her company continue on with touchy/feely behavior at the expense of your feelings? IMO, a decent man would honor a reasonable request by his gf in situations like this and put a stop to any inappropriate attention from other women in the future . An intelligent, ethical man would've never allowed the behavior in the first place. Is the normal dynamic of the whole group that people hang all over each other and sit on each other's laps? You mention that she's been flirtier with him than all the other guys in the other couples. How long has this been going on and why is she your friend when she's crossed this line? Perhaps it's good you haven't yet married. This is an important relationship boundary you two don't agree on which is paramount. You shouldn't be with someone if they don't match you in relationship rules like this.

That's disappointing, but now you can begin to emotionally move on. Now, as a new dater, you have some experience in going on dates and communicating so that experience will help you for the next time. Remember that a normal pace is is a good goal to have in future dating. Not fast, not slow, just normal. Little steps before going in for the first kiss. A woman accepting more than 3 or 4 dates obviously enjoys your company. Try holding hands to see if she is welcoming that, and keep progressing from there. Take care.

Okay, well, have a wait-and-see attitude to see if there is any forward movement in the next few months. Could be that nothing you did or didn't do would've made any difference, but if it doesn't work out, please do improve in taking things on your dates, if they are going well, to the next level of kissing. Cuddling is a good sign a woman would welcome a kiss. If you reach out your hand and she takes it, if you open the door for her and place a light hand on her waist to guide her inside a restaurant and she doesn't balk at that, if you perform a loving gesture like brushing the hair back on her temple and she smiles, those are clues she would welcome a kiss. I can say that when I was in community college, there were a few frustrating incidents. One with a guy who kept asking me to do things, with friends or one-on-one, but he would never try to kiss me. It was making me nervous since I didn't know if he just wanted to be friends, or if he was on some drug that affected his libido, or if he was gay but making an attempt of dating a girl which some do. So when we were at a party (didn't go together) and another guy asked for my number, I thought, "Why not? I don't know what the heck is going on with this other guy and I don't want to let an opportunity pass me by and find that nothing ever happens with Guy number 1." I hadn't the confidence back then to just ask the guy what he wanted from getting together with me. I hope things work out the way you wish. If not, you'll join the club of millions of people who have to have numerous dating experiences before finding success.

Wow, all that time together and you never kissed? Do you lack confidence?

What is cuddling? Did you make out? What do you mean it didn't go further? Did she say she was too busy when you again asked her out? Did she ever do the initiating about asking you out? I don't get why you had to "tell" her how you feel. Isn't daily communication and asking her on dates and showing affection showing that you are infatuated and want to continue seeing if you two can build something special? If you never kissed her, maybe she grew frustrated and wondered if you two were just buddies. How far is she moving away? I agree with the other poster that texting about important topics is never a good idea. Now that I see your update, I see you've asked her twice in a row and she has not given an alternate date to the cancellation. No, do no bring it up again. The ball is in her court. You have to learn to let the other person give just as much effort in suggesting getting together. That give you a clear picture if they are invested in you just as much as you are invested in them. If she lets things fade away, it means she was too cowardly to be honest and say she is no longer interested. If she does suggest something, you can move forward with more confidence and not be in this anxious state of wondering if she's into you or not. If you ask her yet again a 3rd time in a row, it'll be hounding her. If you're the one to always initiate the texting, ease back on that as well. See if she does her own initiating. If again, she lets you fade away, take a hint. Dating involves all sorts of non-starters, but keep on trying because the reward when you find a keeper is wonderful.

That's something major that needs to match. He will be left frustrated and up in the air about no set time this will happen, and you will feel pressured. Just the fact that you're considering breaking up means you're just not into him enough for him to be your lifetime partner. Otherwise, you'd be thinking how to live within lower means, as to what he can afford plus an equal contribution by you, while you could invest the excess to be building a portfolio. And you'd also be coming up with a timeline on when to build a family, and how childcare would be handled. You list a far larger list of cons than pros. That's very telling and should sway your decision to end things.

It's certainly okay at first to wallow by listening to sad songs, watch movies that reflect how you're feeling, and to journal about the lady in question. But if this goes on more than a few months, and you're immersing yourself in everything "her" by looking at her photos, reading old messages, etc., you're keeping her very present in your life. I'm not saying you're doing all of that, but if any of that rings true, it needs to stop. I'm glad you feel some improvement, anyway. As I've often said, work on building a fulfilling life solo and then one day you will be ready to share that fun, fulfilling life with another lady. The type of man who has his own interesting life besides dating will attract decent women, versus a man who scares away women if she's the only bright light in his life.

You say you've been intimate with him, so how do you picture your future with a new man in your life when you tell him your best friend is a guy you diddled with? It's not gonna fly. And you really need to reflect on why you even want to stay friends with someone who sought to embarrass you and yell at you in front of others? Are you really that desperate to cling onto him, thinking he's better than nothing since you say you have very few friends? Whatever good used to happen in the friendship shouldn't outweigh his present verbal abuse. Some think there is nothing wrong with fetishes, as long as they don't take over a huge majority of your time where you're neglecting work, relationships, etc. Mostly everyone loves a good foot massage, so that does not fall into fetish activity. But the other part you mentioned involved sites might. If you're uncomfortable by your own activity, then stop "feeding" the interest and perhaps it will fade. As far as your classmates go, bullies get bored if their prey doesn't wriggle around, so act like what they say to you doesn't bother you and they will eventually get bored and stop. Back to the "friendship," realize very few friendships remain for a lifetime, so never put all your eggs in one basket. It's best to keep up with hobbies, school clubs, sports, etc. to expand your social life. That way, if you choose to end a friendship or someone drifts away from you, other people can fill the role for your social needs.

In reading everything you've written, I'm going to guess you're a people pleaser and really don't have your own back for fear of rocking the boat. Even when a couple is well-suited, there will be bickering now and then, and you went an entire 9 months with no argument. Another point of why I've theorized this is this quote here, where you're considering it might even be a good thing if he sleeps with her ex. What??? This, especially, screams of your poor self-esteem. You also are so smitten you're giving excuses to her toxic behavior which other posters have pointed out. Whereas you welcome it as "honesty." She can see that you clearly lack basic standards in expecting a partner will act within healthy relationship boundaries. She should have blocked his number after the breakup. Leaving that connection open shows she's okay with communicating romantically with an ex, speaking to him about things nobody already taken should. She's okay risking the relationship she has with you for an ex who dumped her. If that doesn't show she's just not that into you, I don't know what does. She used you as a Band-aid after she was dumped, to prove to herself she was still desirable, and to distract her from her hurt feelings. What you assume is love for you is really her enjoying a fan. And now the fan is spineless and accepting her playing with his heart. She doesn't care about anyone but herself and an ego boost from you. I believe with time and distance away from her, plus a lot of work on yourself to have some self-worth, you will finally see this situation more objectively as we do, who are responding. Do what she should've done to her ex. Block her. Hold out for a woman who is crazy about you and wants you alone. You'll pat yourself on the back that you made what you think is a hard tactic now to reap the rewards later.

Just about everyone has things about their body they don't like, and cringe at how things age--wrinkle, pudgier around the middle, etc. I'm not making light of what you wish was different. I'm just bringing this up for the reason that I am a person who has never pointed out what I dislike about my body to a SO. I just don't see any advantage to it. To have them zero in on those things? To get reassurance, in which their words might be the opposite of what they are thinking. If you're putting it in another's mind how faulty you are, then subconsciously they might start thinking, "Hmm. Maybe there is something really wrong with him/her." I read about a guy who said he'd dated a woman who practiced such severe rules upon herself as far as food went, so that she'd be the perfect size, and would often fret about her body. Life was not fun with her. Then he dated a woman who was not fat nor thin but had someone extra pounds and loved to cook and bake and she was a joy to be around. Speaking of everything wrong is a downer. Really, you've already passed the boundary from friendship to romance so there is no going back to friendship if this doesn't work out, since that won't be fair to a new partner in your future. So I say to take the risk before you invest more emotionally to get over this hump of fear, plus to go down the path of revealing if this is an issue or a non-issue. What she thinks about this won't change if you wait another 6 months. Sorry, but there is no prediction of people's innate likes and dislikes. A male co-worker told me he couldn't get past a woman's weird belly button when he saw it at the beach, even though she looked like a model, otherwise. But he ended up marrying a chubby woman so extra weight was totally fine with him. I'm not into skinny guys, but I am okay with a guy with extra weight. Don't assume each person has the same taste nor the same dealbreakers as far as physical attractiveness/attributes goes. It's hard to be vulnerable by being naked in front of someone new. But it's something we all do on the path to finding a keeper. I hope it works out well for you. We're all cheering for you.