whitegarden

Alright some good points. So if I can reflect back what I'm hearing. Overall I should tell him so he can take time and adjust to this information. Be supportive but take a huge step back to allow their family the time to handle this any way they see fit. I am going to sit on this for at least 24 hours so I can get some emotional distance on this. I need to be less emotional before I can have any conversation with him. Avman, I do want to focus on the child and I agree this is a horrible situation, but here we are. NOt making any excuses just trying to walk through life. Since you seem to be the most objective and are close in age to the man involved how would you want this information brought to you. How can I handle this with the best respect i know I need to get out not the point right now I am just so stunned and dont know how to take any action. I am scared to death. I can accept my own failings but I am going to bring him and his family life altering information - life altering no going back. I'm not sure how to do that, if I should do that.

Thank you for your concern about me and this relationship but that isn't the question right now. I know it is easy to can to a canned response of get out he's using you - not judging but you should know better. I am actually freaking out about a 2 year old child, a man that I love and a mother in tremoil. What do you think you would do with this information if this was a friend of yours. Our relationship just makes that fact that I know worse (not better). But what if it was your friend would you tell him or not. This isn't about me and I get that (I asking for you to too). But he is my friend and my friend's wife has passed off his child as his for 2 years. What does one do turn your back and walk away - you are all screwed up good luck to you or confrotn take the blame. I know peolpe have strong opinions regarding affairs but I am asking for your help on a specific matter I will deal with my own messed up responsibilities another day.

There's my point exactly. You state that you hope against hope that I am not using this to force the issue. I am not, but I don't think he will be able to see this any other way because of our relationship. I am leaning towards letting her know the secret is out and she needs to come clean. I don't want this for him or for anyone but wont this come out at some point. The child is about to turn 2yrs old. I am just at a loss as to what I am supposed to do with this information. I would prefer not to know or for it to not be true. Maybe I will just stay out of this but then I will always know and at some point it will come out. Oh dear this complicated. Would you want to know - knowing that you love your child and believe with out a shadow of a doubt this is your child.

Don't you think he will hate the messanger? And in a way also believe I have an alternative motive. Which normally I would but this is too big. Also I agree this information messes up the child more than anyone. I am just in shock. She was out of the country and they were having some problems and apparently that when she strayed. But this was before he and I got together. She no longer sees the biological father since he lives in England but they have begun to communicate by email, which is what brought allthis up. She doesn't know about he and I at all. But he would be crushed to find out his child wasn't his. I don't know if I can deliver that news but..... Help anything.

How did I end up on a soap opera and way does the story line keep getting stranger. Here's the short story. A guy I use to work with and I have been having an afair for a year and a half. I got a divorce, he didn't, things continued the same. Recently, a friend of a friend who knows the wife, found out that their child isn't his. It's fact not speculation - I know I know but it is. Anyway, he doesn't know. I know but he doesn't. SO I am struggling with what to do. There are a few directions I can take this and I'm looking for all your opinions: 1) DO nothing say nothing - stay out of it. 2) do a paternity test on him and his child, without his knowledge to have absolute indisputable proof (even though this confession came from the wife) 3) send her an anonymous email letting her know the story is out and she has "X" amount of time to straighten it out. 4) confront him with the story and deal with the out come 5) confront her with the story and deal with the out come Please even if you just pick a number I am looking for some focus in this huge dilemma. Thanks for listening.

It might be that he just wants to slow things down. I am recently out of a relationship and met someone new. Well before I knew it we were spending everyday together. It was too much too fast for me. I don't want to stop seeing him or even discuss it with him because it might hurt his feelings so I've just backed off. Make sense. I just want to slow some things down not remove them. It may take some getting use to but if you do want to be with him give him some space without making it an issue and see how things go. Find out if your comfortable with it and if he still wants to be there. Just a thought since I seem to be doing the same thing.

Thank you both for the advise. I appreciate your help. I have to begin to open up to others because this has become my whole world. We know each too well and I have trust issue to begin with so I have no idea what I'm doing. I know I need to get and move on. I've even gone out on dates with other uys just to try and move on but all I do is compair them with him. I can't get past how close we are. I can't get past how little I care how this might effect her. It's gross I know but it's honest. I am just reaching a point where I want the relationship to go forward or go away. That said I can't seem to move beyond it. He gets to have the best of both worlds and wont let go with out a fight. And that in it's self makes me feel loved even though it's messed up. I am so down today I just need some help and feed back to help clear my head.

I am completely stuck and need help. I want to get out of this destructive behavior and at the same time I want to be with him forever. Ever time I get the courage to step back he comes right back to me. We have been having an affair for over a year and a half. We started off as good friends, just friends not even a thought. I started having problems in my marriage and confided in him and the domino's feel from there. Well after a year and a half I have gotten a divorce and he is still married. It's the usual story of cake and eat it too. The hang up here, for me, is that I seem to be content in this situation. I can't seem to snap myself out of it. I know he wont leave her until I leave him and I know if I leave him it doesn't mean he'll leave her. Arrrggg. I just wish there was some way to either get over him or get him in to my public life. Can anyone who has gone through this help me out here. Why does it feel so right when it's only half a relationship but it feels like your entire world.

Well this is the almost perfect example of no contact working! She has come back around and now you've spent so much time working on getting over it, not contacting her, growing stronger you can't recognize it when you see. The time apart has given you some perspective. What do you want to do? It sounds like you want her back so.... Take it slow. Things are definitely bad (or not great in her current relationship - just how bad is the question? Are you strong enough to be here confidant and listen to her complain about him? Could be a good way back in. If not a once only statement of you know I care for you so hearing about your boyfriend - from you- is harder for me to take than I thought and maybe we shouldn't talk about it. This lets her know you care but aren't obsessed because it hadn't occurred to you until she started talking about it. See the difference. People will tell you to be honest "tell her how you feel" well you did that and she ran away. That is way I'm saying play it safe in this situation. I suggest you let her contact you and be responsive when she does. Be the first to get off the phone, that kind of thing. That way she knows she can talk to you but isn't so secure that you are on stand by. Thinking your ex is on stand by isn't going to win anyone back because they know they can take as long as they want. It being true and them knowing it are two different things. Good luck.

Does she eat lunch in any place regularly? Can you try a chance meeting that way? Or possibly take the direct approach and just call her at work and ask her straight out, up or down. Good luck.

Wow Big issues. I will give you my take for what it's worth and hope it helps. First, get a hold of yourself and slow it down. There are a few repeative themes of dependencey here. Emotional, chemical... so stop and think rationally. From what you wrote this is my take on her. She has children and needs some security. She leans heavily on her mother and her friend for support. She/They are using your adiction to drive a wedge between you. She loves you but is scared to death of making another wrong decision. Best advice. Backoff. Keep in contact constantly but don't talk about getting back together. Actually strange as it may seem it sounds like she is testing you. How hard can she push and will you fight for her. The trick is not to come off crazy or desperate. So, I think if you continue to text or call to see how she's "doing" not ask to be back together she will begin to feel a sense of your support. You can not cry to her, not just yet because she is looking for someone to take care of her. You need to be strong and compasionate and above all paitent. She will come around. Usually, the no contact game works but like I said you have real issues here. Your month sober is a plus not a minus. Here's why - you have discovered you have a problem and have sought help, you have made progress and stuck with the program. That is huge. She could leave you because of this dependancey but find a guy who seems fine but hasn't realized he has a problem yet. Or worse may never. So when she begins to worry about the thoughts her friends and family are giving her that is your answer. You are strong enough to admit a problem, seek help, work on it, and stick it out through the hard times. Regarding the friends and family never say a bad word against them or the fact that she listens to them. They have been there for the hard times and will be there if you get back together or not. You need to win them over for the long term. Be direct and open with them. When they try to push you away to protect her just come back with a smile. It will win them over and they'll back off. I hope some or any of that helps. Any support I can offer I am glad to do it.

in my experience it's a primal thing. The men like to chase. If you call, e-mail, call again he knows he has you and can stop chasing you. Even when he breaks it off. He breaks it off: He assumes you will react like (in his mind) the stero typical girl and yell and scream and demand respect.... Wait I am assumeing you want this person back btw. Anyway, if you don't contact him his ego will be hurt. He wont be able to tell his friends how in love with him you are, thereforeeee his friends wont be able to use it to drive the wedge deeper. See what I mean. I have always had success of no contact even if it only helps me move on with my life. You have to hang in there and start replacing the time you use to think about him with something else. It will help break up the desperation.

I am so sorry you are in pain. We have all been there at one point or another and can relate. Becareful with your feelings. If she hasn't responded to your letter she may need time to think about it, digest the information. You have to find your own way of reminding her you are thinking of her. I recognize flowers can be embarrassing and that people like to keep their personal life personal. In my experience writting everything down in a letter while in an emotional state may be hard for the other person to hear or comprehend. Be careful. Also, woman don't respond well to begging and pleading. You can cry all you want to us, to yourself - but make sure you have your game face on when you are talking to her. She will see you as sincer instead of desperate. Remember her last memories of you are at a state of depression she may think you are trying to get her back because of this. So do the best you can but pull it together infront of her. Since you are up when don't you try to think of a constructive approach to reaching out to her. Since you have the attention of two different types of women ready to help maybe we can steer you in a good direction and start you down the road with a plan of action. Your best interest at heart.

Take some time and decide if you really want her back or if you are just feeling sorry she is gone. You said you were going through a bad time and shut her out. But I figure you didn't expect her to actually leave. Once you decide if you (and only you know) truly want her back you have to change your behavior. The problem from the past was you taking her for granted. Then stop. Send her flowers with a card that just signs your name. Send them again. Do not call do not email give her her space. But if you send flowers to her work she will feel special and co-workers will ask her what's going on. This will allow her to talk about your relationship. When she's talking about you she's thinking about you, even when it's bad. When you keep sending the flowers the co-workers will start saying "he's not so bad", "I think he really cares for you". She will call you. She may ask you to stop but don't. When she says "I asked you to stop" tell her you can't just let her go. YOU HAVE TO BE PROACTIVE. The ball is in your court no matter how many times she says it's over if you pursue her she'll come around. My only advice is decide if she really is the one for you or if you are just being selfish and lonely.

Thank you so much for participating in a dialogue like this. Surprise, surprise I am in the same boat. Wow, that's the first time I have said that. I went on line trying to find something to tell me what to do. How to get him to be with me - how to get away from him. Even while writing this I feel very vulnerable because I am scared that people will judge me, hate me, find me typical or weak. After reading these postings I feel like I am not alone. Stupid maybe but not alone. I am shocked at how similar everyone's situation is. When you are in the middle of the secret you think it's just you. But these posting have helped clear some of the clouds from my head. I wanted to let you know I can relate. I have been having an affair for the past year and a half. In that time I too have divorced my husband while he has remained with his wife. He unlike "B" has never claimed he was going to leave her. But I know I wish he would. It's funny the things you can convince yourself of to get though the day. Take it one day at a time, tomorrow will be different. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for having the courage to talk about this. And thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to everyone else who has been supportive and non-judgmental even when there are backslides. I look forward to hearing how things are progressing.