Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 37

Thread: Iím confused and unsure

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Oct 2020
    Posts
    20

    Iím confused and unsure

    Warning this is going to be long but I need advice and the only way to get it is to explain everything.

    I have been trying to figure this out on my own now for going on 2 months but I still stuck at a fork in the road.

    To start at the beginning, 3 years ago. Sept 2017 I met my fiancť on POF we met in person and he was everything I ever wanted. He was helpful on the ranch from day one. Never complained, my family loved (and still does love) him. Heís tall and handsome. Everything I was looking for in one package. But something was missing.

    We started dating Oct 2017.

    Nov 2018 he proposed in the barn after the Christmas parade. It was really sweet we both shed some tears. However he didnít actually say the words ďwill you marry meĒ I asked what it meant after I put the ring on.

    Oct 2019 I packed up and moved into the fixer upper house he bought in 2017. All was going great we had our wedding was in the making. We picked our date and along we went living happy and loving each other for the most part.

    The first night I moved in and unpacked I cried because it was the first time I ever moved out excluding college and even then I cried too. I am a home girl and leaving was very hard on me. So anyways after I was done unpacking I went to have a shower. He joined with isnít new weíve showered together before. However instead of hugging me and being caring because I thought he knew how i would be feeling he kissed me until he got horny and then it felt like we had to have sex so I allowed it to happen. Never once had he made me feel this way while dating.

    It got better I learned to live in the house and live with him. I got settled in and things were going really well for the remaining of the year.

    In Feb 2020 I got a job. Everything was going great. Loved it loved the people and we were working on building a barn to move the horses up. Plus I was getting married so you could say everything was looking up Milhouse. Then like for everyone around the world. Covid hit and I got sent home for 2 months. Thankfully I didnít loose my job completely.

    Living with him for 2 months no able to go anywheres and still to cold really to go outside and work on anything we got stuck in the house doing our own thing. Where I did house work and asked him if he wanted or needed anything every time I got up from my computer. He played his game and if he got up he wouldnít ask me if I wanted anything while he was up. We had some nights were we played games together and tried to enjoy each others company. He would deny this but it literally felt like we could have gone down hill fast if my break from work would have lasted any longer.

    I come back to work from leave hating my job and crying because I didnít want to be there anymore. My fiancť was very supportive of me and my well-being. Trying to help me find something else and trying to make me happy. Thankfully the company I am with is very good and they found me a fitting job within the company. So I transferred positions and love my current role.

    And this is where it has really gone down hill. Everything was still going decent. Due to covid we had to postpone the wedding which was okay. We picked a date later in the year and went that route.

    While working my new position I meet a bunch of new people. A month went by and everything was great, home life was good and so was work life.

    Near the end of the second month of my new position I felt a draw towards one of the people I had recently met. Now when I say draw what I mean is I did not look at this person and feel an attraction as I was not here to do that I had found my person and I was just here to work. However after a couple weeks I found myself talking to them more and more. Iíd walk away but yet Iíd keep going back. In a blink I felt like I was hit by cupid and a train. I can not think of another moment where I ever felt like that. Sure my heart has skipped a beat and Iíve gotten butterflies but this was different somehow.

    In the third month they leave for school for 7 weeks and I say to myself okay this is good. Not seeing them will make these feelings go away.... well they have not. I started to not look forward to coming to work, my mother recently had said that I do not seem happy like I was. I am not sure if that has to do with them leaving or not. Anyways Iíve been counting down until they are back to work so I can look forward to work again and be able to see them everyday again. I can not stop thinking of them. I miss them.

    During this time my fiancť was away to work on contracts with my father. He isnít a big texter and Iím not a big caller but weíve made it work the same as we did before moving in together (2.5 hour distant relationship prior to living together). However I found us not wanting to talk to each other. He didnít seem interested in talking to me. He would ask me about my day and that was it. If I didnít come up with topics then we just sat on the phone and listened to each other breathe. Which is why I am not a fan of calling.

    Heís been working closer to home now which has been really nice cuz I have missed him dearly (but not the extra housework lol). However even with him home we arenít the same as we were. Iím not jumping him. Iím not overly interested in sex anymore at all. Not like I use to be which annoys him. So when he wanted it I gave in. It wasnít as bad as the first night thankfully but it wasnít overly enjoyable. Sometimes it would work that I got to enjoy it and other times not so much.

    I have been open with him to the point of saying Iím in a confusing place where I am not sure what to do. He has told me hes been concerned that one of these talks will be the last or that he will come home and Iíll be packed up and gone.

    If you need more details or have questions ask and Iíll answer the best I can.

    Thank you for your advice. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2

    Join Date
    Oct 2020
    Posts
    20
    Also to add the wedding is off for this year.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    23,430
    I think that it is good that the wedding is off.

    Have you considered couples counseling. I think that something is off in your relationship, and this is why you are attracted to the other guy.

  4. #4
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    86
    Originally Posted by unsure27

    To start at the beginning, 3 years ago. Sept 2017 I met my fiancť on POF we met in person and he was everything I ever wanted. He was helpful on the ranch from day one. Never complained, my family loved (and still does love) him. Heís tall and handsome. Everything I was looking for in one package. But something was missing.

    Could you elaborate on this part right here? What, exactly, was "missing" in this person you met three years ago?

  5.  

  6. #5

    Join Date
    Oct 2020
    Posts
    20
    Originally Posted by JenCrowley
    Could you elaborate on this part right here? What, exactly, was "missing" in this person you met three years ago?
    Thatís the thing I unfortunately have not been able to pin point what Exactly is missing with him. I have been trying to figure it out but so far nothing.

  7. #6

    Join Date
    Oct 2020
    Posts
    20
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I think that it is good that the wedding is off.

    Have you considered couples counseling. I think that something is off in your relationship, and this is why you are attracted to the other guy.
    I have thought of counselling I just have yet looked into it. I will start researching however to see if there is any around.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    40,645
    Gender
    Male
    So you had just 6 mos living together when COVID hit. That's a lot of adjustment. Moving in together, jobs, covid, staying confined, etc.
    The good news is you seem to have a good foundation and relationship.

    This work crush seems to represent, not a departure from you relationship but rather a departure from all the recent stresses. A return to socializing and some sort of normality. So keep that in mind.

    Connectedness and sex/intimacy can suffer with too many changes at once. Plus the realization that well, you're not dating, you're living together. Sweats, tv, schlumping around, etc. Then multiply that by 1000 a la covid.

    Ride it out. However if you feel the stress is taking a toll on you and the relationship some short term counseling could help out. In fact there will be doldrums at times during marriage. However you know each other well beforehand and given the too much/too soon aspect to changes and stress, ride this storm out.

    If you are interested, there is a standard stress scale/test you can take: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by unsure27
    Oct 2019 I packed up and moved into the fixer upper house he bought in 2017.
    In Feb 2020 I got a job. Covid hit and I got sent home for 2 months. Thankfully I didnít loose my job completely.

    My fiancť was very supportive of me and my well-being. Trying to help me find something else and trying to make me happy.

    If I didnít come up with topics then we just sat on the phone and listened to each other breathe.

    Iím not overly interested in sex anymore at all. Not like I use to be which annoys him.

  9. #8
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    86
    Originally Posted by unsure27
    Thatís the thing I unfortunately have not been able to pin point what Exactly is missing with him. I have been trying to figure it out but so far nothing.
    Interesting. Well, I think that this is your key right here, the root of the problem in the relationship so to speak: this something missing. I agree with others that you should look into counseling and, hopefully, through counseling you may discover what this missing something is.

    Have you had any serious relationships before the one you are in now? If so, how did your past relationships compare to your current one?

  10. #9

    Join Date
    Oct 2020
    Posts
    20
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    So you had just 6 mos living together when COVID hit. That's a lot of adjustment. Moving in together, jobs, covid, staying confined, etc.
    The good news is you seem to have a good foundation and relationship.

    This work crush seems to represent, not a departure from you relationship but rather a departure from all the recent stresses. A return to socializing and some sort of normality. So keep that in mind.

    Connectedness and sex/intimacy can suffer with too many changes at once. Plus the realization that well, you're not dating, you're living together. Sweats, tv, schlumping around, etc. Then multiply that by 1000 a la covid.

    Ride it out. However if you feel the stress is taking a toll on you and the relationship some short term counseling could help out. In fact there will be doldrums at times during marriage. However you know each other well beforehand and given the too much/too soon aspect to changes and stress, ride this storm out.

    ]
    Thank you very much. Stress has definitely taken its toll on the both of us and we both deal with it differently therefore adding more stress because we are not understanding what each other is going through so weíre trying to fight our battles on our own instead of together. Iím trying to open myself up to him more so he understands. However he does not. He sees it as heís the man and is not suppose to be vulnerable. Heís suppose to be strong and tough no tears. (This is all him btw I do not see that is how a man is suppose to be especially with his future wife. Which Iíve explained to him as well).

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    23,317
    Gender
    Female
    What's the outcome that you want?

Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •