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Thread: Do I write back or go radio silence?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What pattern is that? All you can do is determine what it is before jumping in with both feet

  2. #22
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Doing what you think is best for you in the moment is good.

    You can take a lot away from this relationship so you do not repeat it again with the next guy.

    If you ever find yourself in a similar situation reverse the roles. Say you were in a relationship with some guy and you were not really feeling it but told him to stick around to see if your feelings would change. What are the chances of that happening? People meet, are attracted to each other physically and sexually then emotionally. It should grow each day but if it stalls out it is a sign that it is not right.

    Did you wait around when you shouldn't have? Yes but at least you had an open heart willing to take a chance where he is closed off and dishonest with his heart.

    Look at it this way. Every time he sees or uses that blender he will think about the wonderful woman he let get away.


    Best wishes
    Lost

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Beetie
    Hi Cherylyn, many thanks for the encouraging words.
    I suppose I'm the most angry with myself for not trusting my gut and walking away myself - which if anything may even have reversed the situation to my benefit.
    Anyway, this has been two boyfriends in a row now with the same pattern - I hope I finally learn the third time. Geez! ;)
    I understand. Try not to be mad at yourself for too long. You need to show yourself compassion. No regrets just lessons...

    If you feel like you've been dating guys that are not 100 % into you, think about why that was ok with you.

    I generally think real love and commitment takes time. And I can be slow to judge. I think a lot and it takes me time, at times, to know how I feel about some things. And I actually like that about myself. So being hard nosed, is just that- hard for me.

    So it is a balance. I have found, that people know what they do. General interest that is growing is shown through actions. Do not attach yourself to some future version of a person based on their potential.

    Rather base it on today. the interest expressed in the present. be slow to commit one way or the other, until you have enough info to really know a person. Its no guarentee... relationships end. people change. It is what it is

    As soon as a person pulls back from you, pull back from them... don't chase. Take your time to evaluate the situation and the person.... given time, things do work themselves out.

    We get into to trouble trying to control and being attached to the outcome. Let a crummy guy be a crummy guy and don't blame yourself for him being crummy. that's him. draw your line in the sand, if you get a bad vibe or treated like you're an option, then you need to see that for what it is. And say, hey, me, this guy is yucky. I'm gonna take my focus elsewhere. Somewhere fruitful.


  4. #24
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Beetie
    Hi Cherylyn, many thanks for the encouraging words.
    I suppose I'm the most angry with myself for not trusting my gut and walking away myself - which if anything may even have reversed the situation to my benefit.
    Anyway, this has been two boyfriends in a row now with the same pattern - I hope I finally learn the third time. Geez! ;)
    You're very welcome, Beetie. I appreciate your kind words.

    I'm sorry you're experiencing bitterness and resentment following the way he rejected and disrespected you. What you're feeling is universal. Granted, my story is not the same as yours but the sentiment is the same.

    We were all naive once upon a time. I was you back in the day. Don't continue to kick yourself based upon your previous innocence. Life and people teach you how to navigate yourself wisely in the future and become a better read of people. From now on, your radar is up, you will emphasize the importance of CHARACTER when choosing whom you prefer to be with and whom you will reject easily.

    It's better to be alone and wise than feeling lonely with a man who treats you miserably.

    Time will heal your old wounds someday. Patience is key. Hang in there. Live and learn. You are wiser now and your eyes are wide open. No more naivete for you. Chin up, lady.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Beetie
    Hi Cherylyn, many thanks for the encouraging words.
    I suppose I'm the most angry with myself for not trusting my gut and walking away myself - which if anything may even have reversed the situation to my benefit.
    Anyway, this has been two boyfriends in a row now with the same pattern - I hope I finally learn the third time. Geez! ;)
    It's ok to feel frustrated. If you don't care to write, don't.

    I wouldn't date anyone seriously until you understand more about yourself and why you're vulnerable to these types of people. You're looking for something and in doing that, overlooking some red flags. Everyone is a work in progress. Don't be so hard on yourself.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    I think the place where you find "power" in a situation like this is, honestly, by cutting yourself some slack. This was four months, not four years. This does not need to be "time wasted," so much as experience, exploration, with a little more dirt on the shoes than you'd hoped for when you set out.

    Yeah, something was a little foggy about him. Yeah, you got a little a sprung on the idea that maybe you could cut through the fog by waiting it out. And, yeah, that idea didn't pan out, which stings. Still, just four months. Next dude you meet who gives off this vibe? Maybe it's three months, or maybe (ideally!) three hours. That's the win, the place of "power," in my opinion.

    Guess I'm just saying that because I can't help but see some of the phrases you're using here—"if he deserved it," "would rather it hang on his end," etc.—to be more about searching for a false sense of empowerment than a genuine one. Because that kind of thinking, about him or people in general? It's inherently disempowering, since it's predicated on the idea that people aren't just people, but boogeymen who will crush you if you're kind to them. Dig in too hard on that front and you turn something authentic about yourself (kindness) into a sort of currency, where you're either rewarded or ripped off for spending it.

    At the end of the day, the earth isn't going to rotate at a different speed, and neither is your personal world, if you reply or don't reply. Where you may find it spins more smoothly, in the wake of this? By giving yourself a minute to reflect, address some of the fog in your own lens, so the experiment and experience of romance (always a risky one!) isn't about extracting qualities from others but finding others with qualities that meet you on whatever level you want to be met at.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    What pattern is that? All you can do is determine what it is before jumping in with both feet
    the pattern is not raising the conversation and walking away when I see the guy is losing interest, instead I just bury my head in the sand and let the guy call the shots. I need to take more of a stance for myself which ironically may even have the reverse affect of keeping the guy

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    Doing what you think is best for you in the moment is good.

    You can take a lot away from this relationship so you do not repeat it again with the next guy.

    If you ever find yourself in a similar situation reverse the roles. Say you were in a relationship with some guy and you were not really feeling it but told him to stick around to see if your feelings would change. What are the chances of that happening? People meet, are attracted to each other physically and sexually then emotionally. It should grow each day but if it stalls out it is a sign that it is not right.

    Did you wait around when you shouldn't have? Yes but at least you had an open heart willing to take a chance where he is closed off and dishonest with his heart.

    Look at it this way. Every time he sees or uses that blender he will think about the wonderful woman he let get away.


    Best wishes
    Lost
    Hi Lost, thank you for the kind and encouraging words. yes, I need to not repeat this with the next guy. I often think how would it be if the roles were reversed, and honestly I probably value him more if he was threatening to pull away vs. sticking around like a puppy dog waiting for my feelings to change. So I unterstand where I went wrong, but in the moment, with the person in front of me its just hard to walk away but I can't keep taking the easy-in-the-moment way out, otherwise ill never get ahead.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    I understand. Try not to be mad at yourself for too long. You need to show yourself compassion. No regrets just lessons...

    If you feel like you've been dating guys that are not 100 % into you, think about why that was ok with you.

    I generally think real love and commitment takes time. And I can be slow to judge. I think a lot and it takes me time, at times, to know how I feel about some things. And I actually like that about myself. So being hard nosed, is just that- hard for me.

    So it is a balance. I have found, that people know what they do. General interest that is growing is shown through actions. Do not attach yourself to some future version of a person based on their potential.

    Rather base it on today. the interest expressed in the present. be slow to commit one way or the other, until you have enough info to really know a person. Its no guarentee... relationships end. people change. It is what it is

    As soon as a person pulls back from you, pull back from them... don't chase. Take your time to evaluate the situation and the person.... given time, things do work themselves out.

    We get into to trouble trying to control and being attached to the outcome. Let a crummy guy be a crummy guy and don't blame yourself for him being crummy. that's him. draw your line in the sand, if you get a bad vibe or treated like you're an option, then you need to see that for what it is. And say, hey, me, this guy is yucky. I'm gonna take my focus elsewhere. Somewhere fruitful.

    Hi Lambert, thank you for your words. yes Im trying to be compassionate with myself, but I need to learn, otherwise Ill never get ahead. I also agree I just havent met the one yet that is fully into me, which is where I feel like these games are happening in the first place. And yes I need to ask myself why I stick around with guys who arent 100% - I think I don't trust my intuition, because then those breadcrumbing moments arise where I think, oh maybe that is all in my head. And yes things do take time sometimes, which is again why I keep sticking around and telling myself lets just give it more time, maybe he'll come around - the classic making excuses for the guy and using the tiniest bit of reassurance he gives me as justification.
    Then yes, I make the mistake of falling too soon, before I really know his personality. Like with this last guy, there were a few things in his personality that I didnt really like actually but I'd already fallen. I have no problem dumping a guy after say the 3rd or 4th date if Im not feeling it, but after that I find it hard to break loose...and that's where I get in trouble.
    No I dont go chasing a guy, I always just try to mirror the energy he is giving me - but that's the point, he does then at some point give me the energy which is when I drop my guard again and think it was all in my head, because I know I tend to overthink.

    Thank you again for your encouraging words <3

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    You're very welcome, Beetie. I appreciate your kind words.

    I'm sorry you're experiencing bitterness and resentment following the way he rejected and disrespected you. What you're feeling is universal. Granted, my story is not the same as yours but the sentiment is the same.

    We were all naive once upon a time. I was you back in the day. Don't continue to kick yourself based upon your previous innocence. Life and people teach you how to navigate yourself wisely in the future and become a better read of people. From now on, your radar is up, you will emphasize the importance of CHARACTER when choosing whom you prefer to be with and whom you will reject easily.

    It's better to be alone and wise than feeling lonely with a man who treats you miserably.

    Time will heal your old wounds someday. Patience is key. Hang in there. Live and learn. You are wiser now and your eyes are wide open. No more naivete for you. Chin up, lady.
    Thank you for the encouragement Cherylyn. Yes fully agree, and radar is up, but patience is dwindling ;) ugh, just want to find my other half already and experience this planet together.

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